Working mum Vs SAHM

[ificouldwritealettertome]

This is about the personal struggle I am facing against myself, AIBU to think that I'm just doing an absolutely shit job of everything?

I enjoyed my 9 months of maternity leave so much. It took a while to get over an EMCS and birth trauma but me and DD bonded really well over time. I embraced my new role as a mum. My house was tidy and I spent ages cooking nice veggie stuff I like (I love to cook and bake).

DH, me and the baby all had an hour of family time each evening and sat down to a nice dinner then a film once DD was in bed. All nice and settled, very happy in our routine.

Then I returned to work last month. While I've been away the place has become even more busy and I was straight back into things from day one. I work Monday to Friday and (very luckily) have help from the GPs for childcare.

But my God, it has been so hard. Getting DD up and out in the morning is a nightmare. No lazy cuddles and tea in my pyjamas... it's a big rush to get dressed and have my make up on in time to shove everything in the car and go. I am stressed. I am shattered. I felt like I was doing such a great job of being a mum and now I'm horrible, short tempered and grumpy.

My best self is saved for work (customer service) so my patience is gone. The upheaval of the routine means the baby is no longer sleeping well so I am horribly sleep deprived. We have no time for sex, I'm too bloody knackered. Weekends are spent catching up with housework and laundry and our healthy home cooked meals are turning into fish and chips thrown in the oven while we bath a screaming baby in time to get her in bed by 7:30pm. Last night, after a stressful day of cleaning, shopping for food and new work outfits (gaining weight due to poor diet) I lost my temper with the baby when she cried for 40 minutes and shouted at her then cried for the rest of the night because I felt so guilty.

I feel like a shit mum. I feel like I'm shit at work. I'm doing a bad job everywhere but the thing is I actually like my job and my team mates and aside from everything, we REALLY fucking need the money.

Please tell me I'm not alone. I already work the minimum hours I can do (no evening or weekend shifts) so is this just an adjustment period? I feel like I was a great SAHM but now I just can't do it all. I burst into tears at my parents' house this evening and they insisted on keeping DD for the night.so I could sleep. They can see my eyes are black and my skin is awful from exhaustion and stress. When we got home I told my DH he has GOT to help me out more. I feel like I'm drowning. Is it just me? Am I BU? The reality is that this is life for most women and they all seem to be coping much better than I am. Any advice welcome but please don't be too harsh as I am feeling really low

YANBU and i am really glad you have already identified that your DH needs to do more. The first 9 months have been lovely for him but now your life has massively changed and it sounds like his hasn't changed so much. You are both equally responsible for DD now and both equally committed to your work so you need to share everything else equally.

Firstly take some time out to have a think about how to share your household jobs and manage things between you fairly. Routine is the answer though it's easier to plan that it is to enact!

Secondly reassure yourself. That blissful 9 months sounds fab but it's not real life for anyone in the long term. Babies are only babies for a very short time and your LO will go through all kinds of different phases over the years. Once DD starts nursery/pre school she will need to be used to the early starts anyway. Reassure yourself that this adjustment phase for her would happen at some point anyway and she will be fine.

Thank you so much fruitcorner. Your comment about being equally committed to work is so true, I take so much pride in my job.

I've never been one for ranting about DH because any issues we have I discuss with him straight away. But this is bigger than us- it's completely engrained in society that the baby, the house, the shopping cooking and cleaning are all 'My jobs'. It's got to change, I'm running on empty.

Your dp is massively letting you down. If you are both working he needs to be doing half the childcare, half the housework and half the night waking. No wonder you are struggling!

Yes, it will get better. It did for me. My youngest is now 5 and I am very happy I stayed working (both for financial reasons and because I enjoy my job).

I think you're right. We've been so used to me doing everything that he doesn't see the need to help. Though he does do half of all night wakings and always has - but he is been away with friends this weekend so I was on my own.

*has not is

Sounds like you are doing more than 50% of the home and childcare arrangements. Organize online shopping - easy to prepare meals but you’ll save time not actually going shopping. Divide up the cleaning, laundry etc between you or can you afford a cleaner? Who does the childcare drop offs and collections - split these between you. Have a routine in the morning so that you both help to getting you all out of the house on time.

Now you’re back at work can you stretch to getting a cleaner once a week? Online shop for groceries, even get your DH to do it from work on his lunch break. Meal plan things that are quick and easy, ready prepared stuff (like pre chopped veg) is your friend. Save the cooking from scratch for the weekend and share the load with DH. All house and baby related stuff needs to be 50:50, he has to realise things have changed now you’re back to work and he needs to start pulling his weight. But you are most definitely not alone, going back to work is one the hardest times and it will get better.

Agree that everything worked while you were a couple (1 job each) and then a WOHP + SAHP (1 job each). Now you have 2 jobs and he continues with 1.
Can you sit him down with a list of what needs doing and discuss how you juggle it down to 50/50 rather than the current 67/33? He doesn't see that you've doubled your load and he needs to get that into his head. He probably thinks he's doing a great job...

You do need to get DH onboard.
However a few things to make life easier.Make sure you declutte and every night a quick tidy before bed.We got a wooden toy box for the sitting room and DDS toys were tidied into it when she went to bed.( There may not be much now but you can be knee deep in plastic as they get older).
Do a meal plan together,do the shopping list and get DH to shop or order online.Make a list of quick healthy meals that take less time to cook on weekdays.
Get things for DD and you ready the night before,it just makes the morning feel less rushed.
She will soon get used to a new routine but your DH may take a little longer.

Can you get it down in paper who does what?
So Monday Wednesday Friday one does wake ups and the other gets ear plugs and alternate days like so you get a solid sleep every other night.
Her routine will settle and it will get better.

Who ever got the sleep through last night gets to cook dinner (cos the other one is knackered) and then I've washes you whilst owner does bath and bed. If bath doesn't settle her for bed, she doesn't actually bed one every night.

Everything else gets divvided up and allocated a time slot.

And def let Nan have her as often as you're all happy with and spend some time together sleeping

I too found my 5 months of maternity leave a really blissful time.

It would be really tempting to think "Oh, if only we could have done this long term!" Thing is, though, based on my experiences of my few friends who have stayed at home long term, it's not really like that. Babies and toddlers really are different ball games.

Here are instructions for being a toddler at home with mum: Make a mess with something (tipping stuff on floor, grinding plasticine into carpet, chucking toys all down the stairs etc.). Mum sighs and cleans up the mess. As she is doing so, busy yourself with messing something else up. She will clean that up. While she does that, go and create chaos with yet another thing. Rinse and repeat until mummy goes insane.

So mum tries to take the kid out of the house to escape the chaos and claustrophobia, except that everything you try to do tends to costs money, and most women have justified the decision to stay at home based on the assumption that they will be spending zero once they are at home with their children (false!). So you end up hanging around windswept parks eating sandwiches out of tupperware boxes trying to not spend any money at all, and every whiney demand for chips, ice-cream, toys, balloons, mechanical toy ride feels stressful as you have to say no no no all day long. Most of your friends have gone back to work by this stage.

As the toddler gets older you worry about them socializing, so you start enrolling them in classes and baby gym and craft time and what not (most of which they would be getting automatically as part of the program if they went to a decent nursery while you worked). Which makes you feel guilty because again, you based your SAHM decision on the idea that you would somehow be spending no money, and you are on one income and money is tight. But if you don't do these activities you feel guilty because you feel your child will be missing out. Your friends kids are mostly at nursery at this stage, after all.

I enjoyed maternity leave, but God knows I would not want to do it long term. Toddlers are hard work no matter whether you work or not, your life would be stressful whether you went to work or not, so instead of thinking "I am stressed because I have gone back to work" think "I am stressed because my baby is aging out of the baby stage and things will be hard for a while, whether I work or not." And I second all the excellent advice you have had upthread about making things easier for yourself in the meantime.

When I look back on those first few months after maternity leave ended, it is not entirely clear to me how I survived. I do remember though, that gradually, things got easier. After a bit, I weaned the baby - no more pumping at work. The baby began sleeping longer - more sleep. Spot opened up in nursery closer to home - less commuting. Child learns to speak - less frustrated. Child learns to walk - okay, this may be a net minus for you for a year or so.

Everyone I know cheats and uses prepared salad mixes, microwaveable saag paneer, pasta sauce from a jar, and diaper wipes to clean the stove (and the bath/loo). We all have heaps of random stuff in at least one place in the house, and all of you fellow parents just pretend not to notice. You are after all, willing to overlook the lampshade on the pile of jumpers in their guest bedroom.

Give yourself permission to throw money at your worst problem for 6 months. If it's cleaning, hire a service. If laundry, just buy everyone more socks and pants.

Between you and DH, you still only have 48 hours in the day. Of course you can’t maintain the same standards at home as when you were in mat leave, or at work before DD was born. Something has to give.

Divide those 48 hours x 7 between you. Make sure you prioritise: paid work, all three of you staying alive and healthy, DD being nurtured and loved, personal cleanliness, house cleanliness, seeing friends and family, leisure time and so forth.

Came to say two things that have already been said so I’ll reiterate.

1: this is all DP’s fault. If he did what he should be doing you would not be this tired.

2: yes, babies up to 9 months are SO EASY. Toddlers and beyond are not, especially if you have more than one. Your house will still be a mess, you will have no time to cook those nice things, and you will want to shove a fork in your ear just so you don’t have to hear the yelling and crying and demanding for 5 peaceful minutes.

Work out what the chores are and assign DP 50%. Note that you will still end up doing the extra because like 99% of men he will only do what he’s specifically told to do and expect you to use your already vanishingly small bit of mental space and physical energy to think of everything else. Oh and bonus points if he does his assigned jobs so slowly you decide it’s easier just to do it yourself.

Op, I may be wrong but as someone with perfectionist tendencies myself, I was recognising them in your post too? You may be making yourself exhausted and miserable by trying to be the perfect employee, wife and mother when it's not possible to give each of those roles 100%. Your dp should be helping more but my dh knows all too well how hard it can be to help a perfectionist! As a working mum of a two year old and a baby, I have spent the last few years fighting my perfectionist tendencies and am finally starting to get them under control. Do you think that might be part of the problem?

It gets easier, with time.

I remember going back to work after an 8-month maternity leave with my last one and everything just seeming like an endless drag of sleepless nights and days without any time for myself whatsoever.

On maternity leave I used to be able to dress well, eat well, look styled - all while keeping the house in shape, caring for my DH and my other two, doing the school run and having everything running pretty smoothly. After returning to work I broke down crying after a few weeks and had a good long chat with my DH and with my health visitor. I then made a few changes, which have sustained my sanity since then (toddler now 1 1/2).

Here is what helped:
Batch cooking. I use one day over the weekend, where I shut myself in the kitchen for around 2 hours, leave DH with the toddler (occasionally the other two help me, but often they're shut in their rooms by choice) and prepare all the food for the week ahead, so that all I need to do during the week is shove something in the oven, slow cooker or microwave. Let's face it, a lot of cooking involves cutting veg or waiting around for rice/ potatoes/ pasta to cook, so if all of it is done at once you spend a lot less time needing to cook during the week.
Easy meals are things like bolognaise, Chicken fried rice, all pasta/ potato bakes, soups, stews, chilli etc. and most taste better re-heated anyway.

Exercise. I exercise daily when everyone is asleep. Mornings for me, but evenings may work just as well for you. If you can, buy some equipment to use at home: a bike, a weighed hula hoop, some weights etc. Keeps my sanity and releases happy hormones first thing.

Throwing a massive tantrum and making DH do the nursery run, washing up and paperwork every day. And making him look after the toddler, should he wake up in between my get-up time and his (I do this any other time during the night). Means that while I'm still doing the lion's share, I do less than I used to.

Compromise at work. It's a job, and not even a particularly well-paid one. I do what I need to, but have, for the time being, cut out all the volunteering, extra earners, unnecessary tasks and may do things to a lesser standard than before - but my standards used to be significantly above average, so I'm now more average. I have no intention of getting promoted any time soon if it means ore work, which I physically couldn't do anyway, so what's the point in over-stretching myself?

Taking up a hobby. I love my crafts, so will put in at least an hour or two at some point over the weekend - usually when the toddler is asleep. It gives me a sense of self back.

See where you can add to your quality of life, OP, and don't think you have to do it all. It's okay to have a messy house for a while - ours is only in the last few months now not the tip it used to be - it's okay to be average at work and it's okay if food is yesterday's warmed-up second helping. Cut yourself some slack and involve your DH more in helping you out.

Yes what you are going through is normal for many. Honestly I had 7 years off( the happiest years of my life for all the reasons that you describe above) and returned when my daughter was 4.5 and I still do not feel great about it. Honestly I think kids may enjoy nursery but not for 8-12 hours a day which is not unusual for working mums. It is an inevitable conflict that is unavoidable if you work full time. However I accept that for most of us life does involve this kind of conflict. I am grateful I am a teacher and get the holidays with my kids. Our weekends find us exhausted and doing the dreaded chores that have mounted during the week. Did I prefer being a sahm- I think so but we choose to live in an expensive city and we have high outgoings but I also realise I will be grateful for my pretty rewarding job when my kids become teens and need me less. There are many mums on here who hated being off and rant on about how meaningful their jobs are. None of them will ever convince me any job is more meaningful than rearing your own child and so spending as much time as possible with them. But I am glad we live in a society where women have the choice because some are loving parents who just do not love being with their kid all the time and no doubt being at work is better for them, For the rest of us we just crack on, wishing we had the perfect balance but I think that is elusive and dependent on not having any financial pressures which most of us have. Your daughter will be fine and you will too and it will get easier.

You've had great advice about where you can simplify your life, and most importantly how your DH now needs to step up to do his share of the home and childcare, now that you are WOH.

Just want to add that this works much better if you each take whole areas of responsibility, rather than you still running the show and him "helping out" / doing specific tasks.

This cartoon about the metal load shows why that second option still leaves you short-changed and exhausted.

Btw, I know you said you enjoy cooking, but food planning, shopping and cooking (as a group) is actually a great one to hand over: clear boundaries and clear, immediate results (ie doesn't get half-done then build up until you crack and do it anyway). Men owning the shopping and cooking (rather than making the odd meal) goes against social convention, but social convention is shit for women.

Make sure you also both get lie-in and some time to yourself. That really is achievable, but only if your DH steps up

nordicwannabe would it be too cheeky to also add clearing up pots and pans to the group? I really don't know why dh requires twice as many pots and pans or why food prep needs to be across a number of different rooms, but apparently it does.

SAHM all the way for me.
We moved to the country. found a cheap rented cottage, and I ditched my career.
Two kids and we had a ball.

I think mindset has a strong effect too. I hated maternity leave (fortunately only 3/4 months here in Switzerland) and was desperate to get back to work. So I found that when I was my old working self again, everything else seemed to slot into place around that (required some planning & organisation of course).

I personally am a much better parent as I actively want to cook nice meals for my family when I come home and look forward to playing with them in the early evening. As opposed to feeling shattered and wanting them in bed after being in their company constantly.

That said, I have a DH that does at least half of everything (perhaps more as he deals with most admin; it's in his native language after all).

It is a really tough transition and I feel like we’re constantly on a knife edge with all the juggling and I’ve only got one. I think it took me 6 months to settle back into work. I found I was a lot happier when I made time for myself on a Saturday morning to do some exercise. Our biggest rows have been about cleaning. We’re often too knackered to do it during the week and end up spending the weekend doing chores which makes us all irritated with each other.

Being at home all day means I can cook early and not waste time in the kitchen when my kids are home. Kids are hungry early and after school activities mean they can shoot off once fed.

I was my old working self again
That makes me shudder.

I am so much more than an employee.

We’re often too knackered to do it during the week and end up spending the weekend doing chores which makes us all irritated with each other.

Sounds a blast.

You're household has gone from two full time jobs (yours dh's) plus some housework to three full time jobs (looking after a child/house is a full time job). You're all going to have to do more and drop/automate some jobs...