Working mum Vs SAHM

[ificouldwritealettertome]

This is about the personal struggle I am facing against myself, AIBU to think that I'm just doing an absolutely shit job of everything?

I enjoyed my 9 months of maternity leave so much. It took a while to get over an EMCS and birth trauma but me and DD bonded really well over time. I embraced my new role as a mum. My house was tidy and I spent ages cooking nice veggie stuff I like (I love to cook and bake).

DH, me and the baby all had an hour of family time each evening and sat down to a nice dinner then a film once DD was in bed. All nice and settled, very happy in our routine.

Then I returned to work last month. While I've been away the place has become even more busy and I was straight back into things from day one. I work Monday to Friday and (very luckily) have help from the GPs for childcare.

But my God, it has been so hard. Getting DD up and out in the morning is a nightmare. No lazy cuddles and tea in my pyjamas... it's a big rush to get dressed and have my make up on in time to shove everything in the car and go. I am stressed. I am shattered. I felt like I was doing such a great job of being a mum and now I'm horrible, short tempered and grumpy.

My best self is saved for work (customer service) so my patience is gone. The upheaval of the routine means the baby is no longer sleeping well so I am horribly sleep deprived. We have no time for sex, I'm too bloody knackered. Weekends are spent catching up with housework and laundry and our healthy home cooked meals are turning into fish and chips thrown in the oven while we bath a screaming baby in time to get her in bed by 7:30pm. Last night, after a stressful day of cleaning, shopping for food and new work outfits (gaining weight due to poor diet) I lost my temper with the baby when she cried for 40 minutes and shouted at her then cried for the rest of the night because I felt so guilty.

I feel like a shit mum. I feel like I'm shit at work. I'm doing a bad job everywhere but the thing is I actually like my job and my team mates and aside from everything, we REALLY fucking need the money.

Please tell me I'm not alone. I already work the minimum hours I can do (no evening or weekend shifts) so is this just an adjustment period? I feel like I was a great SAHM but now I just can't do it all. I burst into tears at my parents' house this evening and they insisted on keeping DD for the night.so I could sleep. They can see my eyes are black and my skin is awful from exhaustion and stress. When we got home I told my DH he has GOT to help me out more. I feel like I'm drowning. Is it just me? Am I BU? The reality is that this is life for most women and they all seem to be coping much better than I am. Any advice welcome but please don't be too harsh as I am feeling really low

Kokeshi123 - what an excellent post. That is exactly what it was like.
I adored my toddlers but really struggled with those years.

OP - I know what that was like to be failing - or feel as if you are - at everything you do. Sensible posts on here. Some very good advice

It's totally normal to feel like you're doing a shit job. What's the phrase? We're supposed to parent as if we have no job and work like we have no kids. The first thing to acknowledge is that you're being set up for an impossible task. Understanding that took the pressure off for me.

The transistion back to work is very tough. I second everything everyone has said on here about getting DH to do his share, going part time if possible and buying in as much help as you can. Routine, routine, routine. It does get easier in time. But it's never going to be as nice and relaxed as being a SAHM.

One thing I would say is allow standards to drop. You don't need to be a superstar at work. Equally, you don't need a show home or gorgeous dinners every night. Muddling through is absolutely good enough for now.

In terms of deciding whether you want to be a SAHM or WOHM, there are significant pros and cons of both. Only you can decide what's right for you and your family. Try not to be swayed by the bun fights on here. People find it very hard to be secure in their choice on this and there's a lot of defensiveness.

Tbh I'm 9 months in to maternity leave, 6 months of which was spent crying with pnd, and the last 3 have been me trying desperately to tidy the house while dd rolls about. I try to get out most days because we both go mad otherwise. That means less time for cleaning. I'm constantly doing washing but the pile is still there. I meal plan and cook and clear up and it feels never ending.

I don't know how you all do it.

Your DH needs to help out and do some waking nights as well. You are a full time worker. Be a team!

OP, as soon as you can get DH on board, things will get easier. He needs to do his share.
I think you need to accept that life will be a bit more of a juggle now, and you may but be able to feel as though everything is 100% all of the time.
Buy in what help you can afford - cleaning, ironing, shopping delivery etc.
I treat myself to a Gousto or Hello Fresh delivery once a month. All the ingredients you need for 4 tasty healthy and quick to make meals for about £35 for two. I keep the recipe cards they provide so I can remake the meal another time. I also use Joe Wicks 15 min recipes - they honestly only take 15 mins and they are super healthy.
If it's any help,once you've found a routine that works for you and your family, you appreciate weekends and holidays a hell of a lot more!

I’m part time but wonder if full time might actually be easier. I’ve got too much work to do for my working days and do at least a day extra a week, often at stupid times at night or the morning. This morning I had to send a few emails on my non working day while my toddler was crying at me to play. I felt like the worst mum in the world. I think i would have actually quite liked being a SAHM but wasn’t quite ready to sacrifice my career totally. There isn’t a right answer and different things will work best for different people but I feel a bit misled by the ‘you can have it all’ rhetoric. I just don’t think you can. I also have realised that a lot of the successful women in my workplace have got partners with less full-on careers. There doesn’t seem to be as much advice on keeping two demanding careers going.

Op for me I couldn’t cope with being a sahp or working full time mum. Both are tough in different ways as highlighted by many posters.

The only thing that works well for me and my family is part time work.
You get the best of both worlds. An income obviously as well as payment in to pension, a sense you are contributing to the household budget, anther aspect of your personality can come out at work. Your can kids can go to nursery and do the the whole socialisation thing. You can really enjoy your days off with them and do fun things with them and not feel too guilty about spending money as if you were a full time mum. You can get your chores done on your days off or catch up at the weekend knowing at
Least you still have time
To spend with your kids in the week. You don’t get the relentless getting up early every morning. You get the odd day for couch cuddles with true kids in the morning which I truly appreciate.

I know part time is not possible for everyone. I am lucky enough to be in a profession that allows it but if there is any chance at all that you
Can get it, grab it with both hands.

Yes you might not get quite as much money coming in but it is worth it for your sanity. I personally find that if I worked full time, once you get into paying full tax it not not worth it as much. Especially when the kids get their 30 hours at 3. That only really stretches to 3 days childcare.

I worked full time with 1 child and found it a real struggle when I first went back but it did get better as she got older. This is also considering that DH and I split everything 50/50. There is also a big adjustment period.

I did a few things that helped. I used my lunch break at work to meal plan, do online shopping, place food delivery order and life admin stuff. It helped dramatically.

I also bought this boxcleverpress.com/family-life-book-diary-541.html and the the matching calendar to plan out my time and for meal planning. I used to use it during my commute for planning. These days I have the calendar but not the diary and instead I use a word document in one drive that has a list of everything that I/we need to do (split out per day) and DH and I both access and update it from our phones.

I have also had a housework rota of 1 job a day. So every day there is a job. Monday washing. Tuesday deep tidy of paperwork clutter . Wednesday Washing and hoovering. Thursday beds/dusting. Friday bathroom/kitchen. Saturday batch cooking and washing. When I worked full time these jobs were done after DD went to bed and now I work part time I do them in the day around work. At the end of every day we always wipe down the kitchen sides and sweep the floor and have a quick tidy. Our house is not perfect but we keep on top of it.

When I worked full time I got my clothes out for the week on a Sunday, ironed them and hung them ready. I didn't do any other ironing ever. I still don't unless something is very creased.

Lots of good advice on this thread. I would hope that once you talk to DH things will change. Mostly they are oblivious. It's not an excuse but I genuinely believe that men and women are wired very differently and that the things that we see as things that need doing just don't occur to them. I know it's not a popular opinion on here but I've seen it so many times. My DH and my dad (in his 70s) are both fantastic and understand about sharing the load but sometimes things just escape them....bringing down toilet rolls, walking past a pile of things on the stairs, folding the towels. I think they're invisible to them!! If I say something DH will not hesitate.

Do weekend shifts attract a higher rate of pay? Does your husband work Monday to Friday? If a Sunday shift is worth more, could you do a Sunday instead of 2 weekdays. Maybe even try and get a long day on a Sunday. Whilst you would have one day less at the weekend with DH you would be in a better state to enjoy it.

When I go back after maternity leave I plan to work a 12 hour shift every Sunday as in the NHS Sundays attract a 60% enhancement at my pay level, so I will maximise my earning potential whilst doing the least hours I can, and not have to worry about childcare (we have no family locally).

Is this something you could think about/ discuss with your employer?

I totally get what you are saying about society.

What a fantastic ruse men are onto: wifework/housework/childcare is simultaneously so tough that men can't possibly be asked to do it (all the "typical man", "doesn't see mess" comments on this thread), so worthless that it deserves no thanks and so easy that a woman ca do it all, work full time and still be up for a shag at the end of the day.

It is not up to you to come up with a rota, or delegate jobs to DH, or "just ask" him to do things. He is an adult, clearly functions well enough to WOH, and needs to take responsibility. However it does need to be discussed. Sit down, together, decide what to outsource, what to drop and what to simplify and then divvy up jobs once. Make it clear you expect him to get on with his. There will be a period of adjustment - there will be things forgotten. Don't have another baby until this is sorted.

If he is truly a lovely man and a devoted father he will get there. But remember: he's not doing you a favour. He's not helping. He's being an adult member of the family.

the baby, the house, the shopping cooking and cleaning are all 'My jobs'.

No, they really aren't!! Your DP needs to step up!!!

If you like cooking meal prep at weekends and freeze it, then it just needs lifted out in the morning to defrost ready to heat up when you get home. Also invest in a slow cooker!

I went back to work full time when DS was only 6 months old and even worked away 3 days a week for a couple of years but I can honestly say I haven't found it as hard as you describe, and I put this entirely down to my DH doing his fair share.

We share pick ups/drops, whoever is free takes DS to kids parties, if the house needs dusted one of us will do it while the whizzes the hoover round, if one of us cooks tea the other tidies up afterwards and we do the shopping TOGETHER.

We've had comments from "friends" about how I'm lucky to have him and not many men would do what he does...... what's that then, being a fucking adult and doing his fair share of keeping a house and parenting a child??!!

Sorry for the rant, it just gives me the rage when I hear/read about couples where everything is left to the wife

I think when couples move in together, both working full time, no children, the woman tends to do all the house stuff alongside her job. Pre children this is fairly easy. Many women also love this dynamic at first (not necessarily you op)...they love feeling needed, indispensable and showing their man what good wife material she is. Then when children come along, the man has got used to this set up whilst the woman drowns in it.

This is where you are going wrong - you shouldn't have to tell him what needs doing

I’m not sure I totally agree with this and I don’t necessarily agree with it but I don’t think ‘telling him’ is necessarily the right way of looking at it.

When two people are splitting housework there does need to be a certain level of communication and agreement on what is done and by whom to avoid duplication or things being overlooked. This doesn’t necessarily need to be done as in telling him each time, but an agreement to always split things the same way or a photocopied list that can be ticked off so both people are clear about what’s been done and what needs doing.

If your parents / in-laws are helping with childcare, for me this would be a no brainer; 100% stay at work. But, it really isn’t fair that you have work full time AND do the lion’s share of household chores. Can you afford a cleaner? (That old chestnut - sorry). Or just have a frank chat with dh about splitting the workload more fairly at home.

If you want to be a sahm that’s different and something only you can decide. I ended up being a sahm sort of by accident and, lovely as it is, it can be quite lonely and tiring in a way that work wasn’t for me. I think if you have gps around though (we don’t), it could be lovely as you might get more adult company in the week and maybe a bit of a break from entertaining children all day.

I think when couples move in together, both working full time, no children, the woman tends to do all the house stuff alongside her job.

Yes this is where it starts but it's fundamentally wrong on every level and is what as a society we should be addressing!!!

We've always done everything equally (18 & 19 when we bought our first house) and if I could teach the children of today only one thing about relationships it would be that this is sooooooo wrong!!! share EVERYTHING EQUALLY. From day 1.

OP, you say your dh is away with friends this weekend. Will you get the opportunity to also go away with friends on a weekend? If he does not step up on the childcare and domestic front, will that mean you will not get the same chance to have a break for yourself.

Both of you are working ft. You both need to have the same amount of leisure time spread out over the week. Your dh does not get privileged first or only dibs at free time just because he provided sperm rather than egg.

Op, I can totally relate to how you're feeling, it really takes me back to the time I went back to work after having ds. I remember feeling that I was doing neither job very well and I'd sometimes look at ds and just burst into tears. I missed him. I loved my job, but missed him terribly.

All I can say is that it does get easier, it really does, so hang in there. But I agree that your dh needs to step up, it's not fair that you're getting torn in two, especially as you both work full time. Things became a little skewed during my maternity leave and dh had just got used to me picking up the slack at home - and for my part I was a bit of a control freak about things being done my way.

We adjusted things at home and dh took an equal share of the chores and childcare and I stopped being such a control freak.

I'm pleased to say it was a much easier adjustment to make with our second child and I slipped back into work with relative ease. Likewise I haven't needed to remind dh that he should be doing an equal share. Just a small point in reference to your op, he doesn't need to 'help' you - terminology is a small but very important thing. In a family, you all support each other - he doesn't 'help', it's his house and child too!

Routine is everything. It might take a while to get it to work but things like getting a load of washing on before you leave in the morning so it’s ready to dry when you get home rather than rushing to wash and dry can make a difference. Packed lunches need to be made the night before. My dishwasher goes on in the morning with everything in it so it’s all put away when we get home - no breakfast dishes left out and a mess to come home to. I lowered my standards with hoovering, dusting etc. Or invest in a roomba. Slow cookers - a big one - are helpful and can allow you enough to freeze for meals the next week.

It takes time but do things differently until you find what works. Your life is not the same as it was so expect less from yourself because there is more to do.

Thank you so much for all this incredible advice- you are all absolutely spot on. Everything on here is true- from me initially doing everything before the baby and now being stuck with it, to being a perfectionist and not relenting on my standards. I am trying to be the perfect employee, mother and wife and no, I can't do it.

I have emailed my GM to ask for a 4 day week. We can't afford a cleaner but I am adopting the 'one job a day' trick and dividing 50/50. And I am 100% going to focus on the positives- how lucky I am to have so much support from the family and a job I really love.

Some amazing tips on here to make my life easier- the slow cooker is my new best friend. I also agree with the posts about mentality- I am going to enjoy finding myself at work again (all my colleagues are my friends too so this is a huge bonus) and just enjoy the evenings. DH is going to have to do his bit so that this is possible for all of us.

The only thing I can't do is weekends for a higher wage- my job is a flat rate and I don't get shift allowances sadly. Our belts are already pulled in, but for one day a week less I am happy to feel the extra pinch. It's worth it for my sanity.

I also really loved the post about toddlers being a different ball game, it's very true that she won't be a peaceful, snuggly little baby for long and the lifestyle I think I'm missing out on has already changed.

Thank you so much everyone, I am feeling loads better already.

When I have my neices and nephews for weeks at a time,I wake up at 4am get myself ready, have breakfast, then wake the kids up. Bathtimes are for the evening not morning; so they brush their teeth, wash their hands and faces, get dressed, have a bite to eat if they want (they are all enrolled into breakfast clubs) and then by 7am we are at the school. I then make my way on my commute and DH will arrange the evenings.

When I have my neices and nephews for weeks at a time,I wake up at 4am get myself ready,

Easy to do when this is not permanent.

@speakout - it is permanent. I do this for 13 weeks on / off.

Also many women do the same as me everyday. It can be done. You just need to want to.

Yanbu OP. I'm in the same boat as you. I never thought I would want to give up work but the toll of caring for baby, working and trying to keep a tidy home has nearly sent me to rock bottom.

I enjoyed maternity but genuinely looked forward to going back to work. Sadly I have become massively depressed and spend most lunch times sat in my car wanting to cry.

I just can't do everything I want/need to do. I feel like I'm failing at everything and just want everything to stop so I can sort myself out.

I'm sorry as this post is a bit of a downer and probably not much help to you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with this. X

DuchyDuke so you get 13 weeks off.

Hardly the same as being a parent.