Working mum Vs SAHM

[ificouldwritealettertome]

This is about the personal struggle I am facing against myself, AIBU to think that I'm just doing an absolutely shit job of everything?

I enjoyed my 9 months of maternity leave so much. It took a while to get over an EMCS and birth trauma but me and DD bonded really well over time. I embraced my new role as a mum. My house was tidy and I spent ages cooking nice veggie stuff I like (I love to cook and bake).

DH, me and the baby all had an hour of family time each evening and sat down to a nice dinner then a film once DD was in bed. All nice and settled, very happy in our routine.

Then I returned to work last month. While I've been away the place has become even more busy and I was straight back into things from day one. I work Monday to Friday and (very luckily) have help from the GPs for childcare.

But my God, it has been so hard. Getting DD up and out in the morning is a nightmare. No lazy cuddles and tea in my pyjamas... it's a big rush to get dressed and have my make up on in time to shove everything in the car and go. I am stressed. I am shattered. I felt like I was doing such a great job of being a mum and now I'm horrible, short tempered and grumpy.

My best self is saved for work (customer service) so my patience is gone. The upheaval of the routine means the baby is no longer sleeping well so I am horribly sleep deprived. We have no time for sex, I'm too bloody knackered. Weekends are spent catching up with housework and laundry and our healthy home cooked meals are turning into fish and chips thrown in the oven while we bath a screaming baby in time to get her in bed by 7:30pm. Last night, after a stressful day of cleaning, shopping for food and new work outfits (gaining weight due to poor diet) I lost my temper with the baby when she cried for 40 minutes and shouted at her then cried for the rest of the night because I felt so guilty.

I feel like a shit mum. I feel like I'm shit at work. I'm doing a bad job everywhere but the thing is I actually like my job and my team mates and aside from everything, we REALLY fucking need the money.

Please tell me I'm not alone. I already work the minimum hours I can do (no evening or weekend shifts) so is this just an adjustment period? I feel like I was a great SAHM but now I just can't do it all. I burst into tears at my parents' house this evening and they insisted on keeping DD for the night.so I could sleep. They can see my eyes are black and my skin is awful from exhaustion and stress. When we got home I told my DH he has GOT to help me out more. I feel like I'm drowning. Is it just me? Am I BU? The reality is that this is life for most women and they all seem to be coping much better than I am. Any advice welcome but please don't be too harsh as I am feeling really low

It's shocking how many men expect their wives to work full time and also do everything in the home too.

Yes DP needs to help you more. But have you also considered the option of going part time? Is this something your work would consider? Otherwise perhaps a new role as customer service is a good sector for p/t.

I found that f/t was far too much of a shock to the system and for me personally too much of time suddenly away from dc so p/t worked well.

If p/t is not an option and it’s financially viable a cleaner is a good option as it will free your time from housework to spend with DD.

DH needs to have housework jobs which are specifically his - in my house this is clothes washing, uniform ironing and washing up, things which are his responsibility so he can’t just wait to see if you will do them.

Also you need to split night times fairly if you are both working.

Plus drop your standards a little. Healthy home cooked meals might not be feasible at the moment, but fish and veg done in the microwave is still healthy but quick and easy, ditto micro veg and oven cooked chicken breasts or a quick omelette.

formerbabe well if their wives do that then they are stupid.

I do 90% of the housework but I haven't worked full time for 20 years.
My youngest is 17 and I only work 15 hours a week.

But this is bigger than us- it's completely engrained in society that the baby, the house, the shopping cooking and cleaning are all 'My jobs'.

Never mind society. Your family is about you. if your husband didn't realise this before, he needs to do it now.

There’s a few things you can do to help.

Firstly, can you put in to go part time? Or even drop just one day? Financially and will your job role allow it?

Secondly, can you afford a cleaner? It’s not that much, about the price of a takeaway a week.

Thirdly, is your DH liking his weight?

Completely normal, op. The routine with a newborn didn't only take a month to settle into and neither will this one. Just keep making wee adjustments to your daily and weekly routines until you settle into something that works for you all. Definitely gets easier as the dc get older too. 👍🏻

It's shocking how many men expect their wives to work full time and also do everything in the home too.

I suspect it’s often not so much expectation as being allowed to get away with it. It’s not normally a case of men who stop doing things as soon as a baby appears, usually they’re already in this pattern from the moment they move in together and a lot of women are so brainwashed by gender roles they accept it and it’s not until they have kids and are working f/t they realise those sort of gender roles aren’t sustainable in the modern world.

This situation would so often be avoided if women didn’t accept this uneven split ever and ditched anybody who wouldn’t split the work rather than putting up with it until they have a baby then suddenly realising their DH is a selfish shiftless git who won’t help them.

[I am so much more than an employee.]

Oh God, so am I. My job isn't just employment, it's part of who I am. I do it for love as well as money. It helps me feel like I'm doing something to help the world, that I'm part of something bigger than just me (I'm a scientist). That's why I said that I personally am a better parent when I'm working, obviously, this isn't the case for everyone.

Nope not just you op I'm the same and I have an 8 year old so I sympathise. I wrote a thread last night about people who are sahm moaning about how hard Monday's are etc and it's just so much easier than this working malark.
But without work I wouldn't have a mortgage or a car or other extras we need as a family so just need to crack on but I wish I could tell you it gets easier, it's slightly easier if your organised though I guess.

Oops bold fail!

OK, you need to wean yourself out of the mindset that DH would be 'helping you'. Helping you implies that it is all your job, but he is magnanimously taking on some of your tasks as a great favour. No. It's as much his responsibility as yours to get your family life working, and that needs to be understood by all.

@Mightymucks - I absolutely agree!

It helps me feel like I'm doing something to help the world,

FFS.
I am (was ) a scientist too.

A pretty self serving bunch.

@speakout

Speak for yourself. Some are indeed self-serving, like in every profession. I personally do it because I enjoy it and because I also hope my work in some way helps the 'greater good'.

I think it takes at least 6 months to adjust to returning to work after having a baby. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I was miserable after returning to work with DC1, but we needed the money, so I went back full time when DS was 7 months old.

What I found helped was lowering my standards about household stuff and accepted that the house wasn't going to be spotless. Also, do what you can the night before to make your morning easier. For example, if your DD is liked after by GPs, maybe let them get her dressed.

It does get easier, but the first few years are really difficult.

You are not paying childcare right ? So pay a cleaner. Online shop deliveries. Food shortcuts prepared veg and packed salad.. Split chores equally.

I also found that the house was far cleaner and tidier when I was back at work as there was no-one in it for most of the day to make a mess!

OP I feel your pain. I was the same after returning to work. We literally worked out the least amount of hours we could afford for me to work (2days a week as a teacher). It means we’ve given up holidays, treats etc but I’m far less stressed. I also make sure on my work days I do nothing but work stuff; no housework, no cooking etc. I batch cook and dinners on my work days are pulled from the freezer and reheated. DD eats at nursery so just needs a sandwich for tea. I organise all clothes etc the day before my work day. I also get up ridiculously early so that by the time DD is awake I am completely ready for work meaning I can focus solely on her. DH helps more on my work days but I have to tell him what needs doing! Typical man!!

I’m due DC2 in 13 weeks and can’t wait to be a SAHM for a year again but also dreading returning with two at home! It’s hard work and we just do the best we can. X

It is stressful, VERY stressful. I am a single parent to two small boys, one goes to school one to nursery. I am doing a full time masters degree and I get very little help, sometimes my mother picks them up on a Monday. I am stressed more than not.
I remember my mat leave (I was still doing undergrad with my second, had him just before Christmas then back to uni in February, not much sabbatical!) I used to do what you describe, it’s nice isn’t it !
Previous posters have given good advice. It doesn’t matter if your home isn’t spotless anymore, wed all love our homes to sparkling but life has other plans.
Also you mention some real positives, you enjoy your job and your parents help you a lot, you’re very lucky.
Get your husband to do more, have a conversation and spilt the at home stuff. You’ll get by, and adjust and be fine

We're a full time working family with 1 child, I honestly don't think we could do it with more!

Tips from me would be to make sure all house/child jobs are shared. DP does the morning routine and school run 3 days a week as I'm at work for 7am. I collect DS on my way home from my mum/after school sports class. We get home for 5:30ish, one cooks whilst the other helps with homework/cleaning/tidying. Half an hour chill after dinner then bedtime at 7:30 for DS. One of us will be with him when getting ready for bed whilst the other does the dishes and cleans the kitchen.

I am lucky to work flexibly so on a Thursday and Friday I do condensed hours. I pick up DS from school and usually spend 3:30-5:30 doing errands out of the house including a quick trip to the park with his friends. Friday is when we chuck a pizza in the oven or grab a curry to go.

We make sure the next day is organised before we go to bed - work/school clothes ready, lunch prepped, bags ready, know who's cooking dinner and what, sports/swimming bag ready. DS is now at the age where he can do things himself so he opens his curtains, makes his bed and tidies his room.

We're both lucky to have jobs close to home and family that is willing to help. If we didn't have either of those, I would likely work part time.

DH helps more on my work days but I have to tell him what needs doing! Typical man!!

This is where you are going wrong - you shouldn't have to tell him what needs doing, you shouldn't be thinking of it as 'help' and you certainly shouldn't be excusing his failure to share the running of a household & childcare on him being a 'typical man'!

As Mightymucks pointed out up thread, it is this acceptance that men are incapable of doing their fair share just because they possess a Y chromosome that gets people into such difficult-to-change situations. When women go back to work, they are then expected to carry on with the burden of all home and child-related tasks on top of earning a living. It is not on.

Going back to work means the balance has to shift between you and your DH. You need to be clear about this with him.

It isn’t society running your house. So forget about that.

Can he change his hours? What do the working mums do at his office?

Can you afford to go down to 4 days a week? Or even 4.5?

Yes, to all that Delta said.

I'm in the process of going from being a SAHM to a part-time freelancer who has a toddler at home and I tell you now, I will not be line-managing my DH on top of all that.

I think a REALLY important fundamental change that both you and your husband (and friggin society!) is to think that your husband needs to "help" more.

He is NOT helping you. Where you are both working full time he is 50% responsible for ALL these tasks.

My suggestion would be to list down key tasks (e.g. get baby ready in the morning) and allocate them - this could be a good one to allocate as it might make him realise just HOW MUCH there is to do and think about!

OP, you do sound at your wits end, so I'm going to try and focus on some positives -

How fantastic that you have GPs to look after your DD during the day. Imagine if you were dropping her at a busy nursery where she wouldn't settle and the staff were unknown to you.

You have a job that you enjoy - many people are bored to the back teeth by their jobs and it affects their health over time.

The above positives are important because things can always be so much worse!

I think what you are struggling with, more than anything, is guilt. Your instinct is to be the one with your DD in the day, but finances mean this is not possible. This kind of emotional stress can eat away at you. It saps your energy for everything else and clouds your view of life, making you resentful.

If you are someone who took naturally to being at home (not all women do) you probably just naturally took all the baby-related stuff in your stride and didn't really need your DH's "help" that much. The majority of housework etc probably shifted to you imperceptibly for similar reasons. This kind of pattern is hard to shift because to many couples it's largely unconscious.

In other words, it's the mental load rather than individual tasks, but you have to start somewhere. Give DH set responsibilities in the week, so that these are a few things you won't have to worry about at least. Build on this as the months go by.

Stop beating yourself up. Going to work is being a parent as much as being at home because there would be no home if you couldn't afford the mortgage! I've been at home with my kids and sometimes feel guilty about not having returned to work for all these years. You can't win!