Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my daughters christening

67 replies

Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 15:43

I have been with my daughters mother for 5 years now. We both met at college and things were amazing.

since she had our daughter she has suffered with post natal depression and anger problems. I have been bitten in the past and my items have been destroyed. We went to the local GP to get her some help but nothing has worked.

We recently moved abroad and she has loads of family around here. We arranged to have the baptism out here and its due in a few days. However she has been getting aggressive recently here and i dont want to go to my daughters baptism because its a hostile environment and we keep fighting.

my daughter is 2 years old and none of my family will be there because its too difficult to fly here from the UK.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 29/04/2018 15:45

I think you need to separate these things out.

1 - your dd has a special day coming up. You are her parent. You should be there.

2 - your wife is physically and emotionally abusive. You should make plans to separate and co parent.

Dont punish your dd for the actions of your wife.

Dancingleopard · 29/04/2018 15:47

I think you should go because when she looks back at pictures and your missing - she will ask why.

Don’t bite at any antagonism and just keep reminding yourself the day is about your child. Then I’d concentrate on splitting up and getting your own place.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 29/04/2018 15:47

Do you think you will be unsafe if you go? I can understand you wanting to avoid it if you think she will attack you.

That said I think you would regret not going if you're just worried that she will be hostile or you'll fight - it might be worth putting on a brave face for the sake of a special occasion.

I would keep trying to get your wife help with her PND as it must be so difficult. But also make sure you're looking after and protecting yourself xx

Armadillostoes · 29/04/2018 15:52

Hi-OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do wonder if the Christening is a distraction from the bigger picture. If your DD's mother is in such poor mental health as to be physically dangerous is your DD being harmed by living with her? Even watching this kind of anger is hugely damaging for children. I appreciate that she is ill and needs help, but the innocent child has to be the first priority for all of the adults involved.

TroubledLichen · 29/04/2018 15:54

NapQueen puts it perfectly.

araiwa · 29/04/2018 15:54

I wouldnt and neither would my dd

Id be keeping both of us away from violence

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 15:55

her mother doesnt understand the depression side of things, she thinks i am causing her depression and culturally there is alot of problems.

we are both young, im 23 and she is 26.

the main reason i want to avoid it is because i feel it would send a statement to her. When i look back at my daughters first birthday i never went due to her being aggressive.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/04/2018 15:56

Would she really be aggressive during a christening, when other people were around?

BlueTrousers · 29/04/2018 15:57

You didn’t go to your daughters first birthday and you don’t want to go to her christening? Shock
Why are you taking your anger at your wife out on your daughter and missing all of her special occasions?
Do you think you subconsciously blame your daughter for your wife’s issues?

titchy · 29/04/2018 15:58

The statement it would send would be that you don't give a shit about her or your dd. Pity you sent that message when you didn't bother going to your dd's first birthday.

You're not that young, so don't use that as an excuse.

Your wife and your child are two separate people.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/04/2018 16:00

More pertinent is whether your DD is also at risk of physical abuse?

You need to makes plans to leave and to be be the primary carer if DD.

VioletCharlotte · 29/04/2018 16:00

Harry
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but not attending your own daughters christening to make a statement is just assume-aggressive and wont solve anything.

As pp have said, separate the two things out. The christening is about your daughter, it's just one day, go along and make the best of it.

Then work out what you need to do to separate from your partner. Do you live together?

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 16:00

We had two separate birthdays for our daughter.

one for her family and one for mine, I do love my daughter alot but the fighting and abuse has put me into a deep depression.

I feel embarrassed, i cant have nice things around her otherwise in an argument they get smashed and ruined. I then get blamed by her family for causing the anger.

Culturally they dont believe in post natal depression, they call it temporary blues

OP posts:
Tiddlywinks63 · 29/04/2018 16:01

I can't help wondering just why you're with your partner who clearly has no respect or love for you? Is it just because of your dd?
Is your DD in danger from her? Personally I would have thought being a co-parent was infinitely preferable to what you're going through at the moment.

Sirzy · 29/04/2018 16:02

It’s quiet worrying you have moved to another country with an abusive partner. Do you have any support?

As others have said your focusing on the wrong thing focusing on the christening

Armadillostoes · 29/04/2018 16:05

People guilt-tripping you about your Dad's first birthday should be utterly ashamed. She won't remember it and given the magnitude of what you are dealing with it is absurd. The biggest worry is keeping you DD safe, and managing what must be a terrible situation for you and her mother both.

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 16:07

the reason why im still with here is because when we go back to the UK she has no one to support her if we break up, no where to live and probably because im just scared to be alone after all the time we spent together.

I want to be there on the day but i just feel so emotionally tired and depressed

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 29/04/2018 16:19

Is there any chance that you and your DD could move out on a temporary basis and leave your DW in your UK home? Do you have parents or close friends who could help? That would give you some space and a chance to encourage her to seek medical treatment.

Lweji · 29/04/2018 16:26

I don't get it. You live with this woman, but won't be with her to your DD's birthday party or christening?

It's not her family that should understand about depression. It's her. Does she think it's normal to bite you and smash things?

You should leave her and take your daughter and provide her with a safe and calm environment.
As it stands, it looks like you'll keep boycotting special events to punish your partner while still maintaing your daughter in an unhealthy environment.

Octonaught · 29/04/2018 16:31

You sound like you are outside of Europe.
If you are not married and your are in your partner’s home country, you might find it difficult to get custody.
I would get creative and ask to have a 2nd christening in the uk with your family and keep your daughter in the uk whilst her mother gets treatment for pnd

NotTheFordType · 29/04/2018 16:36

OP do you go out to work? Because if your partner is biting you (!!) and smashing shit up, I would not be comfortable leaving your DD in her unsupervised care.

When your partner went to the GP, did she disclose that she was being violent to you?

You said that you don't want to go to the baptism as it's a "hostile environment" - are her family abusive to you as well?

BarbraDear · 29/04/2018 16:37

Go to your daughters christening, take some lovely photos and just focus on your DD.

Then for your own sake, split up with the mother. Abusive relationships aren't worth staying in because you feel sorry for her.

Ginkypig · 29/04/2018 16:38

Can I just check, sorry if I. Missed it are you a man or a woman? The reason I'm asking is because in this situation id advise you to contact women's aid or another local dv support agency but obviously you won't be able to if your a make but if that's the case I would still call them and ask if they can tell you of any organisation that can help you as a make in this situation.

I'm really sorry your going through this harry. Don't be embarrassed many of us make and female have been in abusive relationships and it's never our fault it's the abusive partners fault!

Now obviously pnd may be why she is acting this way but until she admits she needs help and then gets it that won't change things for you! You still need support.

BackforGood · 29/04/2018 16:39

What NapQueen said in the first reply.

Cindie943811A · 29/04/2018 16:43

Not many churches old permits christenings Octonaught.
OP I think yo need to go to the christening and show by your placid and cordial behaviour that you are not the cause of her behaviour.
How long does her family expect these “blues” to continue? Your chld is 2 now.
What does yr DW want? Now she has your DD does she want you to leave her?