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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend my daughters christening

67 replies

Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 15:43

I have been with my daughters mother for 5 years now. We both met at college and things were amazing.

since she had our daughter she has suffered with post natal depression and anger problems. I have been bitten in the past and my items have been destroyed. We went to the local GP to get her some help but nothing has worked.

We recently moved abroad and she has loads of family around here. We arranged to have the baptism out here and its due in a few days. However she has been getting aggressive recently here and i dont want to go to my daughters baptism because its a hostile environment and we keep fighting.

my daughter is 2 years old and none of my family will be there because its too difficult to fly here from the UK.

OP posts:
Cindie943811A · 29/04/2018 16:43

Not old but would

Wallpaper101 · 29/04/2018 16:43

If she is suffering PND then don't just abandon her, she needs to see a real psychiatrist. And very soon!

Is she aggressive to the child?

You should still go to the christening, you will regret it in years to come if you miss such a special event.

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 16:44

i work from home, that causes alot of rift between me and her family as they dont consider it a real job.

I guess I have been to comfortable being with her and so depressed that i relied on her too much.

Each time when things get back i tell myself i need to leave but when things are great i feel so happy and not depressed for a moment

when we was in the UK we went down every avenue with help, anger management, couples counselling etc

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/04/2018 16:45

If she is suffering PND then don't just abandon her, she needs to see a real psychiatrist.

But what if she won't or won't improve?

Neither the OP nor the child should suffer as well.

Lweji · 29/04/2018 16:46

Has she been treated specifically for PND?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/04/2018 16:47

A good post from @Octonaut. Is this a possibility ?
If you were my Son, considering the abuse and your misery, I would encourage you to come home, as long as your daughter will be safe.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 16:47

You want to send a message to your wife?

What about the message you will be sending your dd? If you split up, the message your wife’s family will be giving her loud and clear is that you’re a shit parent, who couldn’t even be bothered to go to their own dds christening.

You need to separate your relationship with your child from the relationship with your daughter and you have to go to this. It’s a no brained imo.

crunchymint · 29/04/2018 16:48

Don't take your DD away from her mum and go to the UK. This is legally kidnap and will result in criminal charges.

Why does her family think you are making her depressed? Are you legally married?

RomeoBunny · 29/04/2018 16:50

Crunchymint it is not kidnap if he is her bloody Dad!

Movablefeast · 29/04/2018 16:52

Which country are you in Harry?

Lweji · 29/04/2018 16:54

It's parental abduction. Just a different name.

However, if they have recently moved, legally, residence may not yet be established, and as she is 2 years old, it's not as she'll suffer from moving away from friends, etc.

Get proper legal advice, and if necessary report her for domestic violence.

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 16:55

we are not married

her family have always had a negative view on me, they think i control her and my job is not good enough

her family know she has attacked me and they just tell her to stop it

OP posts:
Movablefeast · 29/04/2018 16:57

What are your cultural backgrounds? Were you both born in the UK?

Username9876543 · 29/04/2018 16:59

You want to send a message to your wife by not attending the christening AFTER also not attending her first birthday? Did your wife get your ‘message’ when you didn’t attend the birthday? Sounds to me like you’re punishing your daughter to get at your wife. If she suffers from depression she needs your help and support, not these ‘messages’ you seem to want to send her. How is that helping at all?

crunchymint · 29/04/2018 17:01

Romeo Legally it is. No parent can take away a child permanently to live in another country without the permission of the other resident parent, unless they have permission from the courts. You may not agree with it, but legally it is kidnap. If you want to take your child away, you go to the courts.

crunchymint · 29/04/2018 17:04

Harry Why do they think you control her? Do you? And are you earning a decent wage from working from home? I ask because sometimes working from home is totally legitimate, and sometimes it is basically a hobby business for someone who does not actually want to work.

user1497991628 · 29/04/2018 17:04

You should take legal advice and find out how you can keep you and your daughter safe. There may be a solution to this.

Take responsibility and don’t deal with things by not attending functions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 17:05

Why did you agree to move abroad if things are volatile with the mother?

I think the best thing you can do is fake it until you move back to England if you think the child isn’t safe and you don’t trust the country you’re living in to award you part custody. If the child is safe, will you stay in the country or leave your dd.

This sounds like an almighty mess.

Lookingforspace · 29/04/2018 17:08

You need legal advice. You should never have agreed to move to the home country of an abusive partner as it has made you even more vulnerable.

DuchyDuke · 29/04/2018 17:08

Don’t send your dd there with her alone. Go there, take any abuse thrown at you, ensure your dd comes home safely then take your dd and leave. Contact the police. Get it on a police report that she is physically abusing you & contact social services.

crunchymint · 29/04/2018 17:09

Is your child safe? Many posters are assuming she isn't, but you haven't said anything Harry about this.

Original poster
Harryhalovics121 · 29/04/2018 17:10

I dont earn alot of money but its enough to support us and give us a good life.

They think i control her decisions or caused her to be angry. I have always asked them to talk to me if they have problems with me but it falls on deaf ears

i know this situation is a big mess but im trying to sort it. I know being only 23 means i have time to turn this around and move on

OP posts:
crunchymint · 29/04/2018 17:10

And never take legal advice from here. As you can see some posters have already suggested you abduct your DD which could lead to criminal charges, and depending on the country you are in, a prison term. Always go to an actual solicitor for advice. Unfortunately people routinely give advice on this form that legally is totally wrong.

Notevilstepmother · 29/04/2018 17:12

It is a myth that there is no help for men. See screenshot.

If you don’t go to the Christening people will think you are doing it to upset her and make her angry. Given your situation this won’t help matters.

You have a right not to be treated that way, but your daughters mother does have PND and you winding her up by not turning up to “send her a message” isn’t helping yourself. It’s also sending the wrong message about your feelings for your child. It is provocative behaviour.

Either leave completely and go back to your family, or stay and engage with your child.

Seek legal advice if you wish to split and remain involved.

My advice is to go to the christening.

To not attend my daughters christening
crunchymint · 29/04/2018 17:14

Harry You say you have already tried couples counselling in the UK. Assuming you went to a reputable counsellor, this to a stranger on the internet does not sound salvageable. Instead it would make more sense to talk about separating and about how to do that in a way that is best for your DD.

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