To stop him putting our dcs into fighting classes.

[Twounder1]

My dp is a lover of MMA, used to start fights all the time in school. Loves to fight, doesn't start them anymore but I can tell in public if something kicks off he's itching to get involved. He sounds like a thug but he isn't. He won't start a fight now or anything. Quite placid and helps people. He wants to go into MMA though to get fit and help with anger and ADHD problems. I don't care. That's his perogative. If he wants to be an idiot and hurt himself. He can. He's incredibly strong and paralysed a kid in school whilst playing rugby so I worry for others. But it's their choice if they want to go into this sport.

I do not like violence. He knows this. I hate it. Personally to me, MMA, wrestling is just people trying to hurt each other.

Anyway, our dd is all him. She adores him and he adores her and he's adamant he's putting her into MMA, judo etc as soon as she turns 3. For self defense. Self defense is important. But there's a class in our village for kids and adults. It teaches around the law. How to handle situations and how to handle things if your life is in danger. That's it. I may be ignorant but dp is going on that MMA is just being put in the ring going at each other. He always goes on "wouldn't you be proud if she became a fighter" like no! My baby would be getting hurt. He then proceeded to say I'd be the most unsupportive mother if I didn't go to watch her fight etc. Why would I want to? She accidentally hurt herself this morning trying to walk and cut her mouth and the blood. I've been sobbing about it since worried.
Aibu to put a stop to this? I feel like he's trying to push his dreams onto her. I don't want any of my dds fighting. Especially not for sport.

@confused.. How?
He's not a bad dad. He adores our dcs. Does everything for them. Comforts, takes care of them, devotes all his time to her.
He was on about this for self defence and because its a hobby for him.
That comment is entirely ridiculous.

It sounds like he sees her as an extension of himself , when she is very different.

Karate / Judo / Ballet / Swimming / Gymnastics / Tight rope walking.

Get her to try the ones she is keen on / fit in with you etc.

By the time she is about 7 she will be choosing things based on what SHE enjoys or her friendship groups.

Just keep telling him you want her to try lots of things.

The situation he was in as a child, having witnessed his mum being abused, does give some light as to why he might want his daughter to be able to physically defend herself. You can, to an extent, understand how he might think that giving her ability to fight would make sure she didn't end up in the same position. I'm not convinced he's right but I can see how that might influence his thinking. Has he had any counselling to help him with what must be some traumatic memories?

I don't think that martial arts themselves are a bad thing if they're done for the right reasons, because they are all about discipline and self control, but it should be coming from a positive place of enjoyment of a skill and not a 'this is so you can handle yourself in a fight.'

OP , It is understandable that your OP has developed this FIGHT instinct over flight as he watched his Mum being beaten and was beaten himself and was unable to defend himself or her. But based on what you say, he is now too tightly wound and on-edge, always ready to step up and be the defender.

He is now talking about using MMA ( violence) to control his anger issues. This is very very worrying. What happens when he learns to use violence to deal with anger issue when he is in a stressful, potentially violent situation one day with you and your daughter at the park or a family party? He is (of course) going to lash out but will do it using very harmful skills that he has learned. He needs to realise that by following that path, he is not becoming his and his mums defender, but the very man that put them in that awful shitty position.

I would tell him that if he wants to learn MMA he needs to go to the GP and be referred for counselling and anger management sessions first. He needs to be able to diffuse his anger in a helpful, non violent way. Not learn skills to beat somebody's brains in when he decides he is threatened. THEN, after a year of counselling to deal with his and his Mum's past, and finding suitable, healthy ways to deal with his feelings, then he can do the MMA classes with your blessing.

He was on about this for self defence

MMA is not about self defence. It's about beating the shit out of someone for no reason.

If hes not a thug then you are not doing a very good job of describing him.

TBH , its sounds like hes not only a thug but a bully as well.

Thug

I wouldn’t have had a child with someone who thinks because his father beat him he should teach his child to beat other children.

He's severely depressed from it, he's has counselling but found it makes him angry going over it. He can't talk about his feelings and has to deal with them on their own but I'm the same. I lost my brother to suicide and I found him and have severe ptsd. Therapy made me miserable. I'm currently waiting for EDMR therapy but talking about it made me nervous and it made me angry going over It. I needed to deal with it alone so I can understand. He's been on antidepressants but the side effects made him unwell. He does need some more though. Our dcs and me make him really really happy but I think time will be the only thing that helps him

Children who attend MMA do not fight in a ring.

You should go with judo. The literal translation of judo is the gentle way and it's about using your partner's weight against them rather than brute force. There's no punching or kicking or touching the face.

How is he a bully?
He wants our dcs to defend themselves. But has a hobby in MMA and enjoys it. So if she does it's a plus for him but I don't want her involved in that.
But a lot of you are making it out like I'm with Charles Bronson. He doesn't hurt now and won't unless it's in that barbaric sport.

Christ. I might suggest counselling tbh. My sibling was paralysed playing rugby and I know he and his fellow players are a damn sight glad they don't know who, if anyone, was directly responsible. It had a huge impact on them all.

Sounds like he's got a lot of demons in his past, and needs help to work through them.

He hasn't actually started the classes yet though, has he? He's just going on about it. He might find it's slightly different to what he imagines, once he actually starts - at the moment he is idealising it, rather than taking part. Once he starts training he might find it's a lot more work than he thinks and he may go off the idea of your DD doing it!

Can't he take up running or something in the meantime, to burn off energy and find some tranquility? Does it all have to be about 'fighting'? Because from the people I know who do MMA, it's very different to 'starting fights all the time', there's discipline involved and a LOT of training time.

I would be all for judo. My 13 yo started judo last year and he loves it. Judo is about discipline; it means “the gentle way”. It was so surprising to see ds’s sensei allow a 6 yo to pin him down in a demonstration. I think judo can teach confidence, self-control, camaraderie.
If I were you, I would get involved in selecting a dojo geared towards families and children and let her have fun!

My 2 boys (4 and 6) are both in classes at an MMS gym and have been since they were 3.
There are loads of girls in the class.

At that age, it's about discipline and fun, as well as self defence etc but the fighting part of it isn't hammered home to them. There of balancing exercises, showing them safe ways to exercise etc. It really is fantastic and it's not about violence.

The older kids in the more advanced classes are all so we'll disciplined - it is not a fight club or teaching them to be thugs. They're being taught to be safe and controlled. You will or course get the thugs attending, but the classes do not turn kids into that.

With a dad like that, id want my daughter to learn about fighting etc in a safe place where discipline is the order of the day.

*MMA gym.
Sorry for the typo!

Twounder1

Your dp used to start fights in school, still wants to jump in to fights that he has no p[art of, he is now ignoring your wishes about your one year old DD. what part of him is not a bully?

Judo is fine. There are a few years before she will be ready. He must use those years to get into counselling and therapy to address the damage caused by his upbringing.

Sorry, I'm not clear from the thread whether he himself trains mma, or just watches it?

The karate classes my DDs go to do not allow any physical contact before 5 (they started at 3), and after that it's sparring by trying to tap a shoulder or knee until they're quite a bit older (DD1 is 9 and still doesn't 'fight').

The classes teach the kicks and punches as an exercise, confidence and how to de escalate a situation, and self defence which is more about twisting out of grips and avoiding punches and then legging it

At no point has anyone encouraged my DDs to be fighters. I've told them that if they use any karate skills on other people they'd better be able to justify why to both me and their instructor.

DD1 has recently defended herself and put a friends DS another 9 year old in the mud, but only after she'd been knocked over and was being kicked at. She then ran off and got a picnic table between them. My friend's ex-DH is an aggressive twat, possibly on steroids a kickboxer type who encourages his sons to sort things out through hitting back.

While your DP is talking about fighting I would be very cautious about letting her learn any combat sports. Self defence is great, exercise is great. Teaching children to get into fights is not OK. He needs to change his language and enthusiasm so they don't pick up that it's the No1 go-to for difficult situations.

Out of all the things children could do with martial art skills getting into a cage/ring and trying to beat the shit out of another person is the LAST thing I'd be proud of.

He really does sound like a thug. My DS does Jui-Jitsu and Muay-Thai, he's always liked weapon/fighting historical things like the history of the samurai or medieval knights and vikings, but he's not at all violent.
He started Judo at 4 and 10 years of martial arts has actually influenced my son to have a healthy body and mind. He won't eat junk food and has started meditation, he is currently reading the teachings of Buddah. He's 14. He's never had a fight and has never wanted to, he likes peace and tranquillity. Not everyone that likes martial arts is a thug.

He certainly sounds like a thug, and not somebody I would like my daughter to get into a relationship with. However I do MMA kickboxing at a local Dojo, and it is anything but fighting and beating people up. Classes are run by proper qualified instructors and health and safety is paramount. The most we do is light sparring, even then, we can tell our partner to do softly. Its more about learning technique and timing. I think that she is a bit young for that. At our Dojo, classes start at 4+ and age appropriate. I do kickboxing for fun and fitness, and no fighting is involved at all. Not unless you want to get into that, but the Dojo won't allow that, unless you are up to standard.

I go to adult classes and have never fought, the most is light sparring, or tag sparring.

MMA is absolutely not about beating the shit out of people, MMA fights are properly regulated and the referee cuts it short of any of the fighters safety is at risk. I think it is very clinical as you cannot just do what you want to your opponent, there are heavy rules fighters have to abide by.