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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reaction to 'My Housemates think you're rude'.

98 replies

Singlesoda · 29/04/2018 10:35

My housemates really aren't a fan of my boyfriend but they've only met him briefly when he apparently acted self-entitled, didn't clean up his mess and was very rude.

Once I had planned to go out for dinner with him but when he came over I had a serious house issue which he just left after 30 minutes as 'he didn't drive all that way to be sitting around'. Housemates think he's an absolute tosser for doing this and couldn't believe he made such a song and dance out of it.

A few days ago we had a chat about everything to do with our relationship and where we're at. It came up that my housemates dont like him.

What reaction would you have to being told that friends/housemates dont like you?

I don't know if I'm over thinking things.

OP posts:

maggiecate · 29/04/2018 12:27

I would be seriously pissed off at him being rude to the housemates because these are the people who share your home and having a good relationship with them can make a huge difference to your comfort and happiness. He's putting you in an awkward situation because he couldn't stand it not being all about him. If your at the stage of having these conversations then realistically it's not going to last.

And I think there is a difference betweentelling him 'my flatmates don't like you' for no good reason and 'my flatmates don't like you because you couldn't be arsed to make an effort for half an hour and flounced off after being bloody rude and not clearing up your shit.'

Original poster

Singlesoda · 29/04/2018 12:29

Since reading all your replies I've figured out my own thoughts which I appreciate.

My issue isn't that my housemates dont like him it's that I totally agree why they don't like him. It bothers me when I told him that 'house mate Tom' was annoyed because he demanded to be let in the house's when Tom was fixing his car. boyfriends reaction to this was 'I wasn't rude, im never rude'. If the roles has been reversed I would have felt bad and appologised.

I think I'm moreso overthinking this because these are the only people he's met. I get on fairly well with them and his first impression they've got of him is him sulking. It was humiliating but more so because he doesn't care. Is he going to act like that around my family?

OP posts:

blinkowl · 29/04/2018 12:36

Is he going to act like that around my family?

I wouldn't give him the chance to find out!

Humiliation is not a good feeling in any relationship, let alone one that's so new.

This is not going to get better. He is showing you who he is. Stop being a doormat! Your feelings matter! You don't need permission from him to put your feelings first. He's certainly not going to, he's made that clear. He not only doesn't care that your flatmates think he's rude, he doesn't care how it makes you feel.

So, you are going to have to prioritise you.

You can't explain it to him either, please don't waste your breath trying. His lack of care isn't because he doesn't understand. It's because he's a dick.

Run!!!

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 12:37

Ah, that sounds like you've got it straight then. Don't be humiliated, the shame is all his. What kind of loser can't do basic civility around people who matter to their other half?

This is one thing I miss about having housemates, they don't even have to be particularly close to you, but so long as they are basically sane people themselves there's no better bullshit detection system for new partners!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/04/2018 12:44

It's quite simple, you've said it yourself.

You're like minded with your housemates. If the roles were reversed you'd have been embarrassed and apologized. He on the other hand doesn't think he's behaved badly and doesn't care if anyone else does - and that includes your feelings.

Why on earth would you spend more time with him, let alone contemplate how it would go if he met your family?

You both need to find other people who are a better fit.

NotAgainYoda · 29/04/2018 12:56

Good that you've got this clearer in your head

Now I'd advise you to be very careful if you think that you can change him

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 13:01

You can't really have a long-term relationship with someone if he refuses to get on with the people in your life; it's just too awkward. And the fact that he's not bothered about embarrassing you is a huge red flag for me.

Ginkypig · 29/04/2018 13:01

That's what I thought might be going on singlesoda

The facts are you don't seem to be happy with him, you are already embarrassed by his behaviour and worried about introducing to your family.

This is so early on when things should still be happy and you should be excited to introduce him to the people you care about.

Don't waste anymore time on him. Don't let this drag on in the hope things will get better. Decide you deserve better.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2018 13:05

But if I cared about the relationship and wasn't a dick I'd pretty quickly go from that thought to "ok, well what do we/I do about this?"

I think that depends on in what context and how it was said..mid argument folks often won't try to appease. Especially not when they are being told they are disliked.

My issue isn't that my housemates dont like him it's that I totally agree why they don't like him

And that's where you were wrong. You should have been honest with him and not used your housemates as a way to speak for you. You should have said to him "I don't like you did this"

However I suspect this relationship is in its dying throes. Two months in and you're already arguing and both being quite dickish about it.

I'd end it and move on. If you don't I'm sure he will. One of you has to.

Lweji · 29/04/2018 13:12

My issue isn't that my housemates dont like him it's that I totally agree why they don't like him.

So, do you like him or not? Or do you like him because his bad behaviour wasn't aimed at you? Or he's behaved badly towards you but you've let it go for some reason? If so, why?

allez · 29/04/2018 13:49

You mentioning that they don't like him is childish.

I wouldn't care about them either.

TatianaLarina · 29/04/2018 13:51

Well he’s failed the friend test, the question is whether you bother to find out he’ll be equally obnoxious with your family or just dump him now.

southeastdweller · 29/04/2018 13:52

If I were you I'd now ask him to meet some of your friends.

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 29/04/2018 13:57

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life making excuses and/or apologising for him - let him go now.
Walking on eggshells is no way to live...

BewareOfDragons · 29/04/2018 13:57

You've been seeing him for 2 months. It shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be lots of arguments after 2 months.

Save yourself some time. Life is too short. You can do better.

bakingdemon · 29/04/2018 14:00

"Not ready" to meet your family and friends?!?? My then housemate and best friend met my now husband when we'd been dating for less than a month. He knew she was important to me so made a huge effort to be helpful around the house and pleasant. He met my parents when we'd been dating for two months.

Are your housemates people you didn't know before you moved in? Or are they good friends who you live with? Because if it's the latter, and they are important to you, you need to let him know that they'll always be in your life and you'd like him to make an effort for them to get on.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/04/2018 14:09

I remember one of my DCs dating someone like this. They were rude, moody and a bit arrogant. I was so relieved when they broke up!

Singlesoda, you could be in a much better relationship than this with a boyfriend who is able to get on with everybody. A decent man would make an effort with the people you live with because he knows it matters to you. This sounds like such hard work, whereas dating during the first few months should be fun.

Pressuredrip · 29/04/2018 14:13

You had an argument less than 2 months in is enough of a reason to end this relationship, surely?!

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2018 17:49

I notice lots of people are saying they would think this. Maybe I would too. But if I cared about the relationship and wasn't a dick I'd pretty quickly go from that thought to "ok, well what do we/I do about this?"

I think that would depend a lot on why I thought someone was giving me the information though. If I felt that the person was telling me because they wanted to have a go at me I certainly would say what my thoughts were. As for "caring about the relationship" they are already arguing after two weeks so he wouldn't be a dick to think that it is not going anywhere.

2andcountingtodate · 29/04/2018 18:20

2 months in this is happening? Sounds like a pretty high maintenance relationship.

eggsandchips · 29/04/2018 18:25

He sounds like a dick. But it's your feelings that matter not your housemates (unless of course he is in their living space often. That's another issue as they are paying to stay there).

You're the one going out with him.

FinallyHere · 29/04/2018 18:50

but the day he left a mess/was really rude to a housemate we had just had an argument so understandably wasn't in the best mood.

There really is no excuse, as an adult, to leave a mess behind you / be really rude. And if you make that mistake, to not accept responsibility and apologise ... Why are you making excuses for his behaviour?

angryburd · 29/04/2018 18:53

If my friends were telling me they didn't like my boyfriend, I'd be asking myself why. They can't all be wrong.

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