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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reaction to 'My Housemates think you're rude'.

98 replies

Singlesoda · 29/04/2018 10:35

My housemates really aren't a fan of my boyfriend but they've only met him briefly when he apparently acted self-entitled, didn't clean up his mess and was very rude.

Once I had planned to go out for dinner with him but when he came over I had a serious house issue which he just left after 30 minutes as 'he didn't drive all that way to be sitting around'. Housemates think he's an absolute tosser for doing this and couldn't believe he made such a song and dance out of it.

A few days ago we had a chat about everything to do with our relationship and where we're at. It came up that my housemates dont like him.

What reaction would you have to being told that friends/housemates dont like you?

I don't know if I'm over thinking things.

OP posts:

Shockers · 29/04/2018 11:40

They are perfectly entitled not to like him if he comes into their home and isn’t respectful. He doesn’t care- which is his prerogative, but he caused the situation by not respecting their home.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2018 11:40

The thing is, what do you expect him to say when you tell him your housemates don't like him? Clearly you weren't telling him to be nice.

He's hardly going to fall down and say "oh god, I'm devastated" no one likes to be told they are disliked.

So his reaction is fairly normal. The real question is what was your motives in telling him?

If you were invested in their relationship you'd try to get them to spend time together so they get to know one another and defend him. Now their relationship is irrevocably damaged. So why did you do it?

YourHandInMyHand · 29/04/2018 11:40

When there's just the two of us we get on great. Hmm.
What about when it's not just the two of you? What other examples are there of this? Aside from him showing you and your housemates he has zero respect for you and them?

I sleep walked into having a child with someone who turned out to be a selfish, emotionally abusive, controlling tosser. We were together for 4 years and like you, if it was "just us" it was fine. The reason for that looking back is that I'm very easy going and also I dislike conflict so he got his own way very easily and was happy. Once I got pregnant our relationship didn't revolved around him and his true colours showed. I wish I'd had close friends in the early days asking me questions that got me thinking, or just generally looking out for me.

What's he like if plans change in a way that negatively affect him?
What's he like at spending an evening together doing something YOU like for your benefit that he's not that fussed about or keen on?
Who chooses the sorts of meals you eat or things you do together?
Does he encourage you to spend time with other people and have fun when he's not around?
What are his friends and family like and how do they describe him, and how do they all interact?
If you were to hypothetically decorate a house together, how would you decide on things like paint and furniture? (You can test this just through general conversation).
What music do you listen to together? Is there any you like and he doesn't and will he happily have it on or does it have to be what he wants.

It's interesting you say you were having a chat about your relationship. My advice is keep an open mind to what people who care about you think. Just from the brief things you've mentioned he's not coming off very well.

NotAgainYoda · 29/04/2018 11:43

Bluntness

Good question

And I would answer that my assumption there would be that the OP doesn't have the confidence to say "I don't like this about you"

Really interested to hear what you think, OP

NewYearNewMe18 · 29/04/2018 11:43

TBH you all sound a bit juvenile, running telling tales between each other , who-likes-who etc.

fcekinghell · 29/04/2018 11:43

well if I were him and I'd expected to go for dinner, I'd be pissed at having to hang around as well. They're your housemates not your family so they don't need to get on. Its whether you like each other that matters.

Jaxhog · 29/04/2018 11:44

Hmm.If he's like this now with your housemates, he's unlikely to improve. I'd get out now before you get any more emotionally attached.

boywiththebrokensmile · 29/04/2018 11:45

''But that's just me. I have no time for relationships like that.''

yep but some people love all that.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 11:55

His reaction to me saying that my housemates don't like him is that he 'couldnt give a flying f@#k what they think, nor is he going to sleep over it.

Unless you were screaming at the top of your lungs and jabbing your finger in his eye as you said this, his reaction is weird and hostile. Which sounds on a par with his earlier behaviour too.

So in two months you already have what, two, three incidents of weird dickish hostility that you're having to explain away to yourself as "oh it's because we'd just had an argument", "oh it's because he was hurt by their not liking him" etc.

Nope. This is just what he's like (and since it's early days, this is him trying to rein it in).

RainbowGlitterFairy · 29/04/2018 11:58

DH's flatmates didn't like me, my reaction was 'that's ok, I don't like them either' and we tended to go to mine rather than his. A group of people not liking him doesn't make him a bad person, it could just be a personality clash. What do you think of him?

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2018 11:58

His reaction to me saying that my housemates don't like him is that he 'couldnt give a flying f@#k what they think, nor is he going to sleep over it.

I don't think it weird at all! It is exactly what I and many others would think if told virtual strangers had said that they don't like them!

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2018 12:00

Hmm.If he's like this now with your housemates, he's unlikely to improve. I'd get out now before you get any more emotionally attached.

He is especially unlikely to improve now OP has told him they don't like him...

nakedscientist · 29/04/2018 12:01

I also think that arguing after only two months is a very bad sign for the relationship. If you argue this much early on when you should still be trying to impress each other, there isn't much chance that you will be compatible long term.

I agree with this. He sounds stressful and hard work. It's more usual to be floating on a love bubble at this point in your relationship, rather than grumbling and stropping.

User467 · 29/04/2018 12:01

Why did you tell him they didn't like him? How did you expect him to react? Think I'd react similarly, it's a pretty shit thing to be told, especially if you said it to make a point.

And leaving without tidying up his mess? You'd had an argument and he was in a house where he clearly isn't made to feel welcome. If he was walking out on an arguement did they really expect him to stop to wash his dishes. He's your guest, you clean it up then it's none of your house mates business.

I think it sound very much like there's two sides to this and it would be interesting to hear his. Sounds like your housemates are being kinda arsey too.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 12:02

Btw when I thought I got on with someone better when we were alone, I subsequently realised it was because I was able to make myself small and tiptoe round and manage his moods on my own, in a way that my friends/family would have instantly picked up on.

magnetiq · 29/04/2018 12:05

Sounds like the beginning of an 'us against the world' mentality - run.

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 12:06

It doesn't matter that your housemates don't like him, as the feeling is mutual now. But it does matter how other people view him, as this draws attention to possible red flags in the future.

Telling him they didn't like him was a bit goady, though, what did it achieve? If I told my DH that about someone, he'd probably say he didn't care as well, though not so rudely.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 12:11

I notice lots of people are saying they would think this. Maybe I would too. But if I cared about the relationship and wasn't a dick I'd pretty quickly go from that thought to "ok, well what do we/I do about this?"

The answer might be nothing, maybe the housemates are dicks or maybe it is just a personality clash - that's ok, not everybody in the world is destined to be friends. Maybe it's just a case of suggesting they spend a bit more time at his place, and he will just be polite with the housemates and hope they come round, but not hold out for it.

Just some kind of actual working with the problem? I wouldn't twice at this early stage in the relationship make a point out loud about how much I didn't give a flying fuck about the whole situation. The housemates obviously matter to the OP, she lives with them.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 12:14

But yes generally this is all a distraction from the fact that you're two months in and already arguing and trying to figure stuff out and asking internet forums for guidance on what he thinks and whether it's reasonable. Not a keeper.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 29/04/2018 12:17

Also who "isn't ready" to meet friends at 2 months? It's hardly a three course meal with your parents is it. Agree with @magnetiq, this smells off.

Lweji · 29/04/2018 12:21

What was that argument about?
What other arguments have you had?

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 29/04/2018 12:25

He sounds like a bit of a prick tbh.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2018 12:26

the day he left a mess/was really rude to a housemate we had just had an argument so understandably wasn't in the best mood.

So if I'm in a bad mood, it's ok to leave my mess for other people to tidy up?

...and I don't even need to apologise afterwards?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/04/2018 12:26

You seem to be excusing the mess and rudeness because he was in a bad mood following an argument, but being in a bad mood is not a valid reason for behaving that way. Everyone has bad moods, not everyone takes it out on the people around them.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 29/04/2018 12:27

He does sound like a dick, and the arguing etc isn’t good at all, or disrespectful behaviour in the house.

BUT. All the time, and on here, we are ‘who cares what some random people think of you?’. He didn’t pick your housemates. I also wouldn’t respond well to being told a whole group of people didn’t like me, as pp have said.

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