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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reaction to 'My Housemates think you're rude'.

98 replies

Singlesoda · 29/04/2018 10:35

My housemates really aren't a fan of my boyfriend but they've only met him briefly when he apparently acted self-entitled, didn't clean up his mess and was very rude.

Once I had planned to go out for dinner with him but when he came over I had a serious house issue which he just left after 30 minutes as 'he didn't drive all that way to be sitting around'. Housemates think he's an absolute tosser for doing this and couldn't believe he made such a song and dance out of it.

A few days ago we had a chat about everything to do with our relationship and where we're at. It came up that my housemates dont like him.

What reaction would you have to being told that friends/housemates dont like you?

I don't know if I'm over thinking things.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2018 11:09

I'd agree, it's very childish to bring your housemates into it. Deal with your issues as you.

And it doesn't sound like the relationship is one which will last.

VivaKondo · 29/04/2018 11:09

But as we've only been together for a couple of months he's not ready to meet family/friends.
Family I can understand. It gives the relationship an air if seriousness neither of you might be ready fir.
But friends? Housemates? Why should you have to be ready to meet them?

Lweji · 29/04/2018 11:09

It definitely matters how he treats others.
Your problem is not his reaction to their opinion, but how he treats them.
And how he treats you.
What was the argument about? All is not well between you, is it?

Chocolate1984 · 29/04/2018 11:12

I think I'm with your housemates.

MadMags · 29/04/2018 11:13

I actually agree with him about not giving a fuck about whether they like him or not.

However, he sounds like a prick and it’s odd that he won’t meet your friends (family is more serious so slightly more understandable).

In short he’s a knob, but he doesn’t have to care about the opinions of relative strangers!

HeedMove · 29/04/2018 11:13

To be fair if people dont like me I dont give a fuck its their issue, not mine.

HeedMove · 29/04/2018 11:14

However he sounds like an arse and you need to decide what you do about that in regards to being with him.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2018 11:15

It sounds like he could be a bit of a tosser so tread carefully. However, why on earth did you tell him that your housemates don't like him? did you expect him to think that he must try harder to impress? It's more likely that he will just dislike them and make even less effort. It is human nature to not like those who dislike you. That was a bad move.

Babyplaymat · 29/04/2018 11:16

I would suggest that his reaction is more to you telling him, than them not liking him. If I were him I would be wondering what you were hoping to achieve by using other people to make a point. Tbh context is king here, if you threw this at home in an argument to back yourself up about something I can well understand his point as it is a pretty mean thing to say, especially given he will probably see them again. If said in a conversation about why you wanted to meet him outside of your home for example, calmly, as in "I think we'll meet down the pub instead"... "Why's that?" "Well, I just think it would be easier given my housemates etc etc" then I would have hoped his reaction would be more measured and desiring to rectify the problem.

But tbh, you're arguing this much this early on, is it worth it?

XiCi · 29/04/2018 11:16

What do you mean that he's not ready to meet friends and family after 2 months. Is this something he's said to you. Have you really not met any of his friends after 2 months? I'd find that really strange

Dungeondragon15 · 29/04/2018 11:19

I also think that arguing after only two months is a very bad sign for the relationship. If you argue this much early on when you should still be trying to impress each other, there isn't much chance that you will be compatible long term.

MissTeri · 29/04/2018 11:25

If a partner of mine said their housemates didn't like me I'd be suspicious of the partners motives for bringing them into our discussion like that. I'd wonder if they were trying to use the housemates opinions to add weight to their side of the argument, or perhaps they were using it as an excuse to not have me around any more or to pull me up on my behaviour because they were too coward to do it off their own back.

If you feel your housemates have a point then address it with him without tittle tattling about them not liking him or what they've said, it's childish. By all means tell him you think his behaviour makes everyone feel uncomfortable and it's not acceptable for him to make you or your housemates feel like that in your own homes but it has to be coming from you IMO and not them.

Truthfully if someone said it to me I'd possibly be considering ending the relationship.

WhoWants2Know · 29/04/2018 11:28

I think making a blanket statement about housemates "liking" him is counterproductive. When you say that, you're telling him that your housemates have analysed and dismissed his entire personality on the basis of those two incidents. Not much he can do if their minds are made up.

It might have been more useful to mention that the housemates were concerned by his behaviour on those occasions (without assassinating his entire character) and give him a chance to address it. But given that you are already having arguments a couple months into the relationship...

I think it's a lost cause. He's not going to be keen to come over to yours now, is he?

southeastdweller · 29/04/2018 11:29

They don't know him, he doesn't know them. Personally I wouldn't care what people who I've met briefly thought of me so am on his 'side'.

I think it's very early in your relationship to be so concerned about this. Yes, you're overthinking it. Just enjoy being with him and have fun!

Jaxinthebox · 29/04/2018 11:31

he sounds like a total arse to be honest.

It is early on in your relationship to be concerned about what others think, neither your housemates or your DP know each other and Im sure your housemates only get to hear the 'bad' parts about him.

boywiththebrokensmile · 29/04/2018 11:31

''One person not liking him is ok. Multiple people not liking him, well there's a reason for that.''

Actually that's not as black and white as you may think, she says it is her housemates. House shares like workplaces can be very cliquey, people are desperate to be liked and go with the crowd mentality especially if the leader dislikes somebody etc. the rest will follow. It is very easy to ostracize a person from a group if 1 or 2 person in the group take the notion the others will follow with no valid reason other than trying to fit in.

BlondeB83 · 29/04/2018 11:31

Sorry OP but he sounds like a complete twat.

DiegoMadonna · 29/04/2018 11:32

If you're arguing and shouting and swearing at each other after just a couple of months, I'd just end the relationship tbh. But that's just me. I have no time for relationships like that.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/04/2018 11:33

I think it's the distinction between him not caring if they like him or not because of who he is, which is one thing, as against them not liking him being disrespectful in their home, whether it was towards them or to you.

Instead of worrying about whether you're over thinking things, think about how you'd conduct yourself if the places were reversed. If I arrived somewhere where a kind of emergency issue was happening, I'd see what I could do to help, not tut about my wasted time and clear off. If I'd made a mess, I'd clear it up and I definitely wouldn't be rude to strangers because I'd had a row with someone else.

He sounds very unpleasant to me. Is his the kind of personality you want to be around, to have to keep excusing?

blinkowl · 29/04/2018 11:35

He's a dick. You're holding onto a rising balloon. The longer you hold on, the harder the bump will be when you let go. It's a small bump now, let go quickly!

This reminds me a lot of my friend's exH. When they met, he was a dick around her friends too. She stayed with him. Three children later and having moved to another country, she's divorced, struggling financially and stuck in the country she's in, as the law there says she can't come back to the UK with the kids without his permission, and he won't let her. Her Dad is dying and she can't be with him. So even though she's finally left him, he's still totally fucking her life up.

Find someone nicer, who knows how to be kind to people. Stop making excuses for him - would you act like that? No? Why not? Because you're a decent person - and he isn't.

Dump the loser, have a happy life, not this shit!

kissthealderman · 29/04/2018 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bringbacksideburns · 29/04/2018 11:36

I suppose the real tester will be when he meets your friends and family. Because if hes rude to them and they don't like him then that really matters.

Ginkypig · 29/04/2018 11:37

Ok singlesoda are you asking because you sort of see what they do but your too close and wanted a view from others?

None of the stuff you've described makes him seem like a "good catch" especially 2 months in when people are still in the impress him/her stage 2 months is no time at all this is meant to be the fun light happy bit! My opinion is it's not a good sign that there is arguments and it's not a good sign that everyone (not just one person) doesn't like him.

Reading between the lines you seem like your not that happy with him but your mentioning other people to him rather than your feelings as a buffer (but you feel that way too) it's ok to not be happy and it's ok to end things if they aren't right.

NotAgainYoda · 29/04/2018 11:38

Hmm.

I admit I'm quite old but part of what surprises me here is your housemates telling you they don't like him. Pretty unusual

a) That's a sign of strength of feeling and as long as you trust their judgment, should be heeded

b) They are ganging up to bully you/him

Really only you can answer this. I wonder if you have doubts about him. And yes, I also think arguing after 2 months to the extent that he can't control himself round other people is not a great sign of his maturity or your relationship. Not giving a shit what other people think of you is also a bit of a strong statement unless he believe they really are b) (bullies)

I know what I think. I also don't like the term 'overthinking'. I just call it thinking

NotAgainYoda · 29/04/2018 11:39

Sorry forgot the or between a) and b)

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