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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn photo

58 replies

TheForthBeetle · 29/04/2018 09:13

Having yet another issue with family due to being NC with mother.

For the avoidance of drip feeding parents divorced when I was young and I lived with DF and sister with mother as I can't stand her.
Over the years I have been emotionally manipulated into contact with her by DF family urging me to "be the better person", even though mother always torches the bridges as quick as I build them. But after our wedding I finally put my foot down.

I am due to have DC1. We've asked that all family keep photos off social media.
In addition I've asked DF not to text a picture to my sister (who I can just about be in a room with but I dislike intensely) as she will show mother.

He's then thrown a massive strop saying he doesn't need to be piggy in the middle, citing health issues as another reason he wants "harmony".

I've pointed out this is a joint decision between me and DH, who also can't stand mother.
I told him I was putting my foot down. If he was insistent on sending a pic to Sis then I simply wouldn't send him one.

His response ..... "FUCK YOU".

AIBU?

OP posts:
MyotherUsernameisaPun · 29/04/2018 09:21

He shouldn't have said fuck you, that was incredibly rude of him.

That said I think he is in a difficult position. You're asking him to withhold a picture of his grandchild from his daughter. You must know there is no way for him to do that without it causing a huge fight. I think that is a big ask on your part.

If you really don't want your mother to see a photo of your child you may have to withhold one from your father but I don't think you can ask him to be an agent in your fight with your sister and mother.

Cathena · 29/04/2018 09:22

Wow, what a charming response. I’d be tempted to go NC with DF also!

You are definitely nbu. I don’t reallt speak to my father and am going to keep baby pictures off social media for the same reason. If anyone displayed the attitude your father has I would ban them from having their phone out around the baby. Your baby. Your rules. Stay firm.

Daddystepdaddy · 29/04/2018 09:25

Your child, your rules. But, who does it benefit here? You clearly have unresolved issues and your attempts to keep punishing your mum are affecting others. Only you can decide if that is a price worth paying or not.

SecretIsland · 29/04/2018 09:25

You must know there is no way for him to do that without it causing a huge fight

This. You're being deliberately awkward and dressing it up as an important 'parental decision'.

Let your ds and dm have a photo of a child they won't be seeing. So what? It won't change your life in any way but will make your dfs life much easier.

WonderfullySunny · 29/04/2018 09:26

It's not your DFs news to share so why should he forward it to your DSiS? Just keep it to a text no photos when your LO arrives and your DF will get to see them when they're out of hospital. He wants an easy life this will give it to him as then if DM or DSiS ask do you have a pic he can honestly say no.
I'm sorry this is happening now, good luck with the birth of your LO.

Homemenu1 · 29/04/2018 09:29

Yes I think I think you are (and I have been you but not with my mum so I understand why you feel that way)
But You are non contact with your mum, but you are asking everyone else to get involved. You are trying to manage a situation with too many people that it’s alnost impossible.
You are saying that people can’t put pictures on fb, but to a certain extend that’s unrealistic, when they are 5/6’will you not put pictures on of them, or dh’s family.

I do genuinely and can hear the distress and hate you feel towards your mum and sister, but try to let it go, you will feel better.

If your mum see a picture of your baby, why does that matter? She’s not part of your life,
Don’t give her so much control over your everyday actions. Your non contact physically so try to be emotionally non contact.
Counselling helped me

user1493413286 · 29/04/2018 09:31

That’s obviously a completely out of order thing to say but I think you are putting him in a difficult position. If you don’t want the photo shared then it’d be best not to send it and wait for people to meet the baby. Camera phones have only been around a certain amount of time so it’s a fairly new thing to do.
I do think you need to accept that your mother will see a newborn picture of the baby at some point and I don’t think you can control that unless you stop people taking photos of her

user1493413286 · 29/04/2018 09:32

And for grandparents it’s not seeing the picture that is important it’s meeting the baby which your mum won’t be doing so her seeing a photo will just bring that home to her and doesn’t take anything away from you

Bananarama12 · 29/04/2018 09:32

They are going to see a picture of your baby eventually, somehow. I assume they're not going to see your child so don't let it bother you.

jamoncrumpets · 29/04/2018 09:33

I can't imagine any circumstances under which my father would ever tell me 'fuck you'. That's hideous. Don't reply.

OnTheRise · 29/04/2018 09:34

I don't think you're asking too much by withholding pictures from people who can't be trusted to keep them to themselves, if that's what you want.

I am NC with my parents, and know that if they were sent photos of any of my children they would plaster them all over the internet without stopping to think about how inappropriate that might be.

Your baby, your rules. And yes, it was rude of him to tell you to fuck off.

saucepot8 · 29/04/2018 09:36

I agree with you. I don't let anyone put photos of my dcs online as I don't want them to be forwarded to my parents. They are abusive and I've been nc for five years. Your df is being unreasonable as he should respect your wishes regarding your dcs. I'm not sure I'd want to stay in contact with him after telling me to fuck off and the constant emotional blackmail.

bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 09:37

I can't imagine any circumstances under which my father would ever tell me 'fuck you'. That's hideous. Don't reply.

This ^.

GinIsIn · 29/04/2018 09:43

Your dad was rude but you are putting him in an untenable position. Photos of newborns pretty much all look like tiny drunk angry old men. What would it matter if your mother saw that? It doesn’t mean she’s meeting the baby.

User467 · 29/04/2018 09:44

I think unfortunately you have to rise above it. Realistically it's going to be almost impossible to ensure she doesn't see a picture of your child and ultimately, it's just a picture.

We are NC with my in laws but not everyone else in the family is. The situation is horrible enough without making it worse for everyone else so as much as we don't want them knowing anything about what we do, we have made it clear that we don't expect any other family members to play piggy in the middle. When we fell pregnant with dc2 we didn't want to tell the ILs but had to accept that they would find out from other family members. My MIL is a nasty woman who takes every opportunity to bad mouth us to other family members. We make a point of never discussing it unles asked. As hard as it is, it feels much better to take the higher ground. Most of the family are
now so fed up with her poison that they barely talk to them either and I think hey really appreciate that we didn't put them in awkward situations

iffyjiffybag · 29/04/2018 09:55

If you don't want any photos getting about don't send them until you're ready.

Nowadays you can't expect other people to keep your pictures private just because you ask them - they won't, sadly.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 29/04/2018 09:58

I agree with SecretIsland. This is an unnecessary drama you've created.
Going NC means choosing not to have a relationship or engaging with that person.This is making yourself involved with your mother again.

You seem to be using the newborn photo as a weapon to get at your mother and sister and trying to force your dad into taking sides.

Just drop it. It doesn't matter who sees a photo.

zen1 · 29/04/2018 09:58

He was v unreasonable in his response, but if you want all pictures to be kept off social media, couldn’t you just print him a hard copy?

bastardkitty · 29/04/2018 10:00

Oh dear. Some people have no idea about what it means to be no contact. It's debatable what input your father will have now in view of his shitty message, but if the photo issue is important to you, then don't send one to anyone in a position to pass it on.

diddl · 29/04/2018 10:02

What a drama!

If you can't trust him, why would you simply have not sent him a pic?

Why do you think that your mum or sister would even be interested in your baby?

GladAllOver · 29/04/2018 10:03

Surely there is a simple answer to this.
Don't provide anyone with photos of your child. Keep them to yourself.

pictish · 29/04/2018 10:05

Honestly? I think it’s clear you like drama.

DarkDarkNight · 29/04/2018 10:05

You are NC with your mother, your mother seeing a photo of your baby won't change that. You can't control what your other family members do.

Easier said than done I know but try to let it go. By obsessing and worrying to this extent about a photo of a baby who is not even born yet you are allowing your mother control.

pictish · 29/04/2018 10:08

I also think you are using your status as a new parent to control other people and feed into your desire for drama.

Sorry but you did ask.

BarbarianMum · 29/04/2018 10:09

NC is about your relationship to a person. You are trying to control everybody else's relationships with each other. Stop it, it's nasty behaviour.

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