Newborn photo

[TheForthBeetle]

Having yet another issue with family due to being NC with mother.

For the avoidance of drip feeding parents divorced when I was young and I lived with DF and sister with mother as I can't stand her.
Over the years I have been emotionally manipulated into contact with her by DF family urging me to "be the better person", even though mother always torches the bridges as quick as I build them. But after our wedding I finally put my foot down.

I am due to have DC1. We've asked that all family keep photos off social media.
In addition I've asked DF not to text a picture to my sister (who I can just about be in a room with but I dislike intensely) as she will show mother.

He's then thrown a massive strop saying he doesn't need to be piggy in the middle, citing health issues as another reason he wants "harmony".

I've pointed out this is a joint decision between me and DH, who also can't stand mother.
I told him I was putting my foot down. If he was insistent on sending a pic to Sis then I simply wouldn't send him one.

His response ..... "FUCK YOU".

AIBU?

I agree Barb.

@diddl I said in my OP that I wasn't going to send him one if I know he will pass it on. That's what prompted the "Fuck You!" response.

I'm really not trying to put him in the middle, tbh I'm trying to keep him out of it. I know from past experience (wedding, pregnancy announcement (which I also asked him not to share and then relented)) that it results in Sis giving him grief about letting Mother have her way (attending wedding, seeing grandchild once here), which he then takes out on me.

Last time Sis didn't get her way over the pregnancy announcement (she wanted me to phone and tell mother personally) she went NC with him - even though he had nothing to do with it. It lasted until she wanted money from him.

I don't see what is so hard about NOT sending a picture- it requires absolutely no extra effort on his part and avoids reigniting the argument between him and Sis.

As for his attitude and why I still speak to him - it is hard but he does have fairly severe MH issues which sometimes manifest as extreme and irrational anger. I've lived with this since I was five years old so I'm used to it but it feels like walking a tightrope along a firing range sometimes.

Totally agree ^. You are trying to control other people relationships and in turn causing extra drama. That’s on you. I suggest you grow up and concentrate on your baby. You sound quite immature. TBH once the baby arrives, you’ll have so much on I don’t think you’ll care who has or hasnt seen the picture.

And actually I bloody hate this drama.
It wouldn't bloody exist if Sis didn't keep getting involved in what I see is an argument between me and mother.
But she refuses to keep out and uses DFs poor MH to manipulate me into doing what Mother wants (she is closer to mother). Tbh if she kept out it would be far more harmonious all round.

And I'm not using DC as a pawn, I'm refusing to expose him/her to a toxic relationship.

Also don't want pics being shared willy-billy on social media because my job makes me a target for certain types of people. My own FB is completely locked down due to past threats. That is why DH and I don't want others posting pics online - for DCs safety.

It's not hard to keep pics off Facebook or expect family to respect your wishes in that regard - SIL and BIL have managed it for years with their kids.

Given your past history, difficult relationships with both parents etc, it is really easy to see why you are trying to micromanage all of this.

But stop for a moment. Why are you still fighting that fight? Why are you still trying to protect anyone? Your DFs relationship with your DSis and DM are his... step away. Put some real distance between yourself and them, most importantly some emotional distance.

You have a DH who seems supportive. Soon you will have a DC. You seem to be trying to fit your new addition into your wider family, you really do NOT have to do that!

For your own peace of mind don't bother. Concentrate your emotions and efforts on your own nuclear family, DH and new DC. Let the rest sort themselves out!

Good luck!

Maybe he has his own agenda as a grandfather and wants to share that with his other daughter...you know, like people normally and reasonably do.

Stop being so petty and controlling is my advice. I’m sure you won’t take it though.

not sure how no contact with your mother is affected by seeing a photo of your child, I think I would let it go, share with who you want, but I dont think you should tell everyone who they can share things with. In the long run I expect your mother will see a picture one way or another so unless its a danger for her to know what your child looks like I wouldnt worry.

I agree Jayne.

If you want to control who sees photos of your new baby, don't share them with ANYONE. You can't control what other people do with them. Even if it's a printed one.

Oh dear, awful response from your father.
Having said that I think you have had some very sane responses here. You don't need to engage with your mother ( or sister or anyone else) but you can't insist that other adults do what you tell them to.DF's response sounds as if it has come out of frustration with a very unpleasant situation that( as far as we know) was not of his making.

While it is acceptable and understandable to request no photos to be posted on social media especially if you are not on it, and hopefully people will respect that. Just try and remember that other members of your family will be excited by the new addition to their family and may want to let people know.
On your DF sharing the photos with your DSis you are probably just gonna have to accept this one unfortunately, I don't speak with my mother however DSis lives with her. I never told my mother i was pregnant, or anything regarding my pregnancy and have never sent her photos and my DD will never meet her, she is only 12 weeks atm. However i sent my sister my birth announcement, regularly send photos via whatsapp and when she has visited she has taken photos of my DD/her niece. I have accepted that she has proabably seen a photo of my DD because once you send photos out you can't control who people show them to. I think other DSis showed half her school (she is a teacher) the first pic of my DD i sent her.
You have to accept that your relationship with your DF is separate from his with your DSis and hers with your DM.
You have to choose whats more important to you your relationship with your DF or the possibility that your DSis or DM might see a pic of your DC.
Me and my DSis don't discuss who she shows photos with and i'm too busy with my DD to give it much thought, though i take solace it the fact that my DD will never see my mother.

Yes also agree with @secretisland op

I ought to add, we don't put photos of the dcs online.

Disregarding your DFs little outburst, words are cheap, he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Forgive him, and send him a picture of his precious grandchild. If he forwards it to your sister, and her to her mother, then so be it, nothing can compensate for holding the baby in her arms, it is simply a photograph.
Try not to stress Beetle, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.🌸

I agree re no photos on social media but what harm is it going to do to you or your baby if their aunt and grandmother see a photo?

Your father was very rude to say that to you, even though he's in a difficult situation it was a pretty horrible response.

You are both BU, your father shouldn’t have told you to fuck off but you shouldn’t have told him what he can or can’t do, people are going to take photos of your newborn, others are going to see them, I don’t understand what harm is done (all newborns look similar anyway). I understand why you don’t want contact with your mother or sister but you can’t dictate to your father what he can or can’t do, it puts him in a awkward position which is unfair.

You could print a single physical photo for him to have that he can then show your sister if she is over visiting but which won't then make it to your mother's house?

Also don't want pics being shared willy-billy on social media because my job makes me a target for certain types of people. My own FB is completely locked down due to past threats. That is why DH and I don't want others posting pics online - for DCs safety

in this case it's simple. Don't share photos.

Does your father know there is a question of threats? In that case he's even further out of line and I'd step back from him. Mind you if my (useless, mean father I'm nearly NC with) said that to me, I'd be stepping back a certain distance anyway. But if there is a risk of threats, he knew about them and he -still- can't guarentee not sharing a pic, then I'd keep an emotional distance and not send a pic.

Or send him a standard newborn photo from the internet from the pile available, unless you simply don't want your mother to know you've had a baby at all.

Please don't let your issue with your DSis and DM come between your DF and you. Perhaps say to your DF when he starts talking about you having contact with your DSis and DM that its your choice and while he doesn't have to agree, he should accept that and when your DSis starts with him, he should say the same to her and refuse to get involved.

OP you sound so angry and upset - that all the feelings about what happened when you were small and growing up are as inflamed and unprocessed as they were then. having a baby and making your own family with a partner stirs up lots of feelings about parents and parenting. Of course you may have 101 good reasons for not wanting contact with your mother but I think you'd benefit from having someone neutral and dispassionate to talk to about your feelings. At the moment it sounds as though you will be bringing your baby into a toxic family set up. The fact you don't see your mum does;t make it less so when your feelings are as they are.

Yeah sorry I think your still too involved with you mum and sis, you've gone NC.. anyone mentions them just a simple that's nice and ignore would suffice. Doesnt matter what happens between your dad and them as thats none of your business.

Just focus on your baby and husband, doesnt matter if they see a photo if you arnt talking to them. Not like your kids going to be in there life just because they've seen a damn photo!! I've seen many pics of peoples kids .. doesnt mean I have a relationship with them.

Personally I think your being a bit dramatic about the whole situation and trying to include everyone in it.

I have been NC with my father since well before DDS were born, he wasn't at my wedding as he want invited by my sisters were, who still were in contact.
Tbh as long as I don't have to see or hear from him I don't give a shit what he sees, it makes zero difference to me if he saw photos or baby pics.
I will admit hoping that he did at some points to see what he'd missed out on by being such a cunt.
As others are in contact it is deeply unfair to expect them to manage their behaviour for you, sorry. My sister's and I do not discuss me being NC, the few times they have I have walked off so they know I will not respond.

Try and take the view that she's not there anymore. It's hard but it's a hell of a lot easier than obsessing over what she sees/doesn't see. Just ignore the whole situation, it becomes so much easier once you decide that that person no longer exists in your mind, I promise. If you don't then they will always have that power over you.

My father died recently and because I have basically ignored his existence for years it didn't bother me in the slightest, but I was able to be upset for my sister's as they were grieving (the only emotion I felt was happiness that he died. I am not kidding)

Good luck

I agree with SecretIsland. This is an unnecessary drama you've created. Going NC means choosing not to have a relationship or engaging with that person.This is making yourself involved with your mother again. You seem to be using the newborn photo as a weapon to get at your mother and sister and trying to force your dad into taking sides. Just drop it. It doesn't matter who sees a photo

I agree. I also empathise. However, you are, inadvertently inflaming the situation, feeding the dragon.
You need to think about how to be much more neutral. I think you may gain a great deal from professional counselling.

Good luck with your pregnancy .

I don't see what is so hard about NOT sending a picture- it requires absolutely no extra effort on his part and avoids reigniting the argument between him and Sis

Surely you can see that it it does require effort, not least because if your sister asks for it and he refuses it certainly will reignite the argument?

People who are saying 'what's the harm?' have no idea what harm narcissists and psychopaths can do with a tiny amount of information. I'm speaking from personal experience. TheForthBeetle go to the stately homes page.