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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm pretty sure my fiancé just said pretty girls should expect to get molested

69 replies

IHeartMaryLennox · 28/04/2018 23:44

And I don't know what to do.

We were watching this travel programme where they went to Rome. I've traveled Italy pretty extensively as I used to work summer language schools over there and I said something like Rome was amazing but not my favourite. He's only ever been to Rome so was incredulous and asked why. I said 'I don't know, a few reasons, I was there during a heatwave, didn't have great food and was molested twice!' (Once sitting on a park bench an elderly man rubbed his hand on my thigh and in a bar a man put his hands on my boobs)

Fiancé said 'you are fit though, can't blame them'

This was way before I met fiancé, I was 25. I'm 32 now and we've been together three years.

So I did go a bit WTF at him. He then said oh sorry I didn't realise you meant actually physically molested I thought you just got cat called or something. He then said well it's your fault we've been together three years and you never told me this (was not a big event, though that's not the point- the point is he implied I asked for it in some way....I don't know)

He's sort of tried to apologise but it was a reallycrap one, along the lines of 'ok sorry I made a stupid comment but you'd never told me about that'

I WASN'T EVEN BOTHERED ABOUT IT. I AM bothered by his attitude though that attractive people 'incite' unwanted sexual attention....oh god am I completely over reacting? He's an intelligent man and I can't believe he said it, but instead of being mortified he went massively on the defensive.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 28/04/2018 23:46

Ask him how would he feel if it was his dd being molested.

OwlinaTree · 28/04/2018 23:46

Maybe he was just being light-hearted about it? He mis judged it obviously because he didn't know how serious it was. The 'you should have told me' bit is just him getting defensive.

Original poster

IHeartMaryLennox · 28/04/2018 23:50

But it's a horrible comment whether or not it relates to my own experiences surely?!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 28/04/2018 23:51

Owlina, anyone being touched by someone they don't want to touch them is serious enough. OP shouldn't have had to spell it out.

Original poster

IHeartMaryLennox · 28/04/2018 23:58

I just thought be had a better attitude towards women

OP posts:

FrancisUnderwood · 29/04/2018 00:00

I think he's made a flippant, ignorant, thoughtless comment. You have now put him well in the picture about your views regarding this.

If he's a goodun, he'll consider it, take it on board and apologise. If he's a baddun, he'll let something similar slip again.

user1495490253 · 29/04/2018 00:01

Youthecat I dunno, misogyny runs deep! I was molested, and think it would have turned to rape had help not arrived, when abroad, and my dad said something along similar lines to the OP's husband.

OP, it's a shit attitude to have but only you know if he really meant it, or if he misconstrued the situation and needs teaching how wrong he is (not that he should need it).

Original poster

IHeartMaryLennox · 29/04/2018 00:03

He also knows I was raped by my boss (he was a chef and I was a waitress) so I can't believe he'd say something like that anyway, to me, but it's a shit comment to make in any context and now he's just sitting downstairs sulking.

OP posts:

SkaterGrrrrl · 29/04/2018 00:05

Yanbu

FrancisUnderwood · 29/04/2018 00:06

Ok so that's a MASSIVE DRIP FEED.

(Sorry that happened to you)

gingergenius · 29/04/2018 00:07

Rome is shocking for this sort of behaviour. I was stalked by a flasher on my honeymoon. It was horrible. My (now ex) husband completely downplayed my experience when I told him. So no, you are not being unreasonable. But I don't think many men truly understand how threatening this sort of behaviour can be.

Original poster

IHeartMaryLennox · 29/04/2018 00:11

I didn't mean for a drip feed sorry.

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 00:20

The problem is very very few natal men can imagine how it is to be a woman or girl, vulnerable, cat called, molested, assumed to be available because they're daring to walk in public alone ... all the stuff most natal females experience.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2018 00:22

Unfortunately, I think the male attitude of a pretty girl, not 'asking for it' exactly, perhaps 'should expect' male attention is a better phrase, is pretty ingrained in the male psyche. And the thought that a woman should think it a compliment if it's insinuated she's so attractive men 'can't help themselves'.

My DH is pretty pro-woman's rights and would absolutely go nuts if a man made such a comment or inappropriately touched me or any other woman in his life. But yet, he's come out with that same shit about news reports of women being harassed. It's like it pops out his mouth before his brain gets engaged and then he's horrified that he said it and immediately retracts it. But it does show how deeply ingrained that little bit of misogyny is.

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 00:22

?? Sorry, I think I just edited out several important bits of that post before posting!

DairyisClosed · 29/04/2018 00:25

I think you are overreacting. I think that he meant it is your fault as in it is your fault that i said that (it's not obviously but whatever) as opposed to it is your fault you were sexually assaultes.

Gemini69 · 29/04/2018 00:29

You're NOT over reacting.. this is what he thinks of women... he's not very nice OP

Quimby · 29/04/2018 00:29

To be fair to him and not meaning to downplay what you experienced, the way you write the list of reasons for not liking Rome it is completely feasible that he misread the tone and tried to match banter with banter for want of a less terrible phrase.

You tacked on the sexual assault af the end of a complaint about the weather and the food.
I can see why someone might think you were being flippant so would try and match your joke or saw it as a bit/exaggeration for comedic effect

PookieDo · 29/04/2018 00:31

My young teenager and friends were followed around by men in Rome in their School trip. Hearing it recounted to me was awful. I was also subjected to a man basically wanking off opposite me, whilst staring at me at an airport in a country where that is very much frowned upon and my boyfriend complained about him and the man was escorted out by armed guards. Have also suffered many other assaults or unpleasant experiences. Not to detract from yourself but this humourous response can only come from an ignorant person who has never had the misfortune of being a woman and doesn’t seem to understand what these things are like. I’m glad you got angry, all I can say is I hope you educated him on it and he takes it on board now.
I recently had a man who was texting me in a sleazy way actually get excited when I declined his suggestion to send dirty pictures as I had had a traumatic experience with non consensual photo, he wanted to know the content... difference is he means nothing to me so I wouldn’t waste my time trying to educate him but in your case I probably would expect him to gain some insight into this attitude so your reaction was spot on

Lacucuracha · 29/04/2018 00:32

YANBU. What's worse than his comment is his attempt to shift the blame on to you by saying it's your fault for not telling him about it before.

Why should you have told him before about a man putting his hand on your breast or thigh? Does he think he owns your body?

OP, I would take a mental note and watch for any other red flags.

InTheGhetto · 29/04/2018 00:37

If we even give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he thought it was an innocent joke and not likely to upset you, let’s compare with another oppressor class vs. oppressed scenario to see how much misogyny and the abuse of women is minimised by just about everyone.

Imagine if it was a black person making a throwaway joke about being treated like a slave by a white person. You wouldn’t find it acceptable for a white person to respond with a comment about how black people should expect it, would you? You wouldn’t play it down as banter, or tolerate this level of defensiveness instead of an apology on their part.

PurpleSea · 29/04/2018 00:44

This. It sounds like he made a bad joke, not that he thinks all pretty girls deserve to be molested. Btw, I've been molested abroad so I know how it feels and am not trying to downplay what happened to you.

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 00:45

Totally agree with Quimby about the way you tagged it on at the end, which surprises me from someone who has been raped (sorry to hear)

I'm sure he was very clumsily telling you how attractive you are. Not great but I think you ABU to him to attack him for this.

If he's a great loving guy in all other aspects I would let it pass.

PurpleSea · 29/04/2018 00:49

I see what you're getting at but that's completely different. I imagine her DF mistakenly thought he was paying her a compliment by calling her beautiful.

Original poster

IHeartMaryLennox · 29/04/2018 00:53

Yeah, I can totally see it may have been a random off the cuff comment. But he's, I don't know how to explain it better than 'sorry-not-sorry' and that really bothers me.

OP posts:

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