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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm pretty sure my fiancé just said pretty girls should expect to get molested

69 replies

IHeartMaryLennox · 28/04/2018 23:44

And I don't know what to do.

We were watching this travel programme where they went to Rome. I've traveled Italy pretty extensively as I used to work summer language schools over there and I said something like Rome was amazing but not my favourite. He's only ever been to Rome so was incredulous and asked why. I said 'I don't know, a few reasons, I was there during a heatwave, didn't have great food and was molested twice!' (Once sitting on a park bench an elderly man rubbed his hand on my thigh and in a bar a man put his hands on my boobs)

Fiancé said 'you are fit though, can't blame them'

This was way before I met fiancé, I was 25. I'm 32 now and we've been together three years.

So I did go a bit WTF at him. He then said oh sorry I didn't realise you meant actually physically molested I thought you just got cat called or something. He then said well it's your fault we've been together three years and you never told me this (was not a big event, though that's not the point- the point is he implied I asked for it in some way....I don't know)

He's sort of tried to apologise but it was a reallycrap one, along the lines of 'ok sorry I made a stupid comment but you'd never told me about that'

I WASN'T EVEN BOTHERED ABOUT IT. I AM bothered by his attitude though that attractive people 'incite' unwanted sexual attention....oh god am I completely over reacting? He's an intelligent man and I can't believe he said it, but instead of being mortified he went massively on the defensive.

OP posts:

TrappedWind · 29/04/2018 09:06

This is the kind of stupid, insensitive thing my partner would say.

If everything else is good in your relationship, I would let this go.

Adversecamber22 · 29/04/2018 10:13

I agree that men have no idea of how awful it is to get comments, catcalls etc and many think we should just get on with it.

I had a massive row recently with a male friend who had said something sexually innapropriate to me, I told him nicely that I didn't appreciate it and to never speak to me like that again. He lost it pretty quickly and basically said a woman of my age should be used to it by now especially as I have worked in a male dominated environment and have a hobby that is male dominated.

He is no longer my friend, I had known him for almost 2.5 years. The few times I have ever tried to explain about how this feels to men some have said they wish they got attention like that.

UpstartCrow · 29/04/2018 10:20

If he is sitting downstairs sulking then I wouldn't let it go. He's managed to turn it round so he is the victim.
You have been assaulted, but he feels like he is the victim.

What he did was a low level version of DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Ask him if he'll go for couples counselling to sort this out, and if he won't or he just stay defensive and victimised think very carefully about whether this is what you want for your future.

YouTheCat · 29/04/2018 10:58

He's sulking? He needs to grow the fuck up.

MollyDaydream · 29/04/2018 11:09

He thinks that being attractive (to him/men) is the most important thing for you/women, so in his world view he thought he was making you feel better. That's why he's sulking, because in his mind he 'said a nice thing' and you weren't grateful.

TuTru · 29/04/2018 11:14

I do think he was just trying to be nice to you and made a stupid comment instead. He was aiming to just compliment you on how you look and hope it made you feel better about things. Men are idiots.
Also they would prob like to be molested twice on holiday, so would not have the correct kind of empathy in such a scenario xx

MollyDaydream · 29/04/2018 11:23

You really think most men on holiday would like to have an old man rub their thigh, or a big bloke in a bar grope them?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2018 11:30

It's not so much the misjudged original comment that would give me the major alarm bells but his reaction to getting called on it

Oysterbabe · 29/04/2018 11:38

I think he was aiming for a compliment but got it very wrong. These misogynistic ideas are deeply ingrained and he probably didn't even realise he had them until he blurted out that nonsense without engaging his brain.
I'd forgive as he's generally a good person and hopefully it's made him think about things a bit more.

AnnieOH1 · 29/04/2018 11:46

Don't make mountains from mole hills. As previous posters have already said, only you know your other half. We are seeing a brief snapshot of conversation, we can't see nuance. We absolutely don't know your history or your interactions with each other. I do think of you ordered it the same way as here "food, weather and sexual assault" that sounds far more flippant (to my ear at least) than "I was sexually harassed twice (so identifying it isn't just a one off thing there), and besides I didn't like the food and it was far too hot."

FWIW I can imagine being in the same conversation, but I think I would have made some comment back about "oh sorry you've never looked good enough to be harassed" while possibly giving a bit of a playful slap! But that's a) because I am fitting it into my experience and b) that's just part of mine and DHs personality.

I do think rather than stewing about it on MN you need to go talk to your other half. Good luck.

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 11:55

It's not so much the misjudged original comment that would give me the major alarm bells but his reaction to getting called on it

Yeah, this.

And it bothered OP enough to post about it, which it likely wouldn't have done if he were a perfect gentleman otherwise. Because perfect gentleman don't have this attitude.

MiniMum97 · 29/04/2018 12:24

I think he made a flippant comment not realising what you meant. Also I think men are still on the catch up that a bum grope (for example) is NOT ok Have you had any other issues with him? If not try to educate him as to why this is inappropriate and why women find this unpleasant and intimidating. My husband is very thoughtful and not on any way leery and would not do anything to knowingly make a woman uncomfortable but even he says stupid things without thinking sometimes. When I explain he realises that society/upbringing has affected his thinking and he takes it on board and changes. Sadly we still have a long way to go in changing hearts and minds.

InTheGhetto · 29/04/2018 22:03

Also I think men are still on the catch up that a bum grope (for example) is NOT ok

Ask them how they feel about a man doing it to them. Then they suddenly know that groping isn’t ok. This isn’t about boundaries in general, this is about thinking women shouldn’t get them.

Lacucuracha · 29/04/2018 23:28

You know this man, we don’t.

We can still give an opinion, based on nuances in OP's posts.

And as OP says he has a sorry-not-sorry attitude then I wouldn't hesitate in telling her to dump him.

Jux · 30/04/2018 17:48

What WesternMeadowlark said explains very well why this is not an acceptable attitude. Ask him to read her post and think about it, then he should understand, but if he doesn't you will maybe have to reflect on your relationship with him.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 30/04/2018 18:59

Most of these responses make me really sad.

He said something shitty and is now sulking because you've called him on it.

He sounds like a prick.

Blaablaablaa · 30/04/2018 19:12

So he thinks physical sexual harassment is out of order but verbal sexual harassment is acceptable. And you should take it as a compliment??? Fuck that.

Some men do understand though ...I was verbally sexually harassed while out with my DH at the weekend and he is outraged and wants me to go to the police ( it was vile)

Hopefully he's taken your comments on board and realises that even low level insidious comments are unacceptable

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 01/05/2018 00:09

Just my opinion, I didn’t say such remarks. Only that people say things they don’t mean to impress others. I was just stating that the OP does know this man and can form a better judgement

AdoraBell · 01/05/2018 00:24

So it was your fault that he didn’t know you had been molested, and you should have expected it to happen because your are attractive.

So, using his logic if a gay man takes a face to him then it would be his fault if the gay man molests him.

I’m not insinuating that gay people are sexually abusive, just turning to tables on him. If he is attractive then it’s his fault if he attracts unwanted attention that makes him feel uncomfortable , just the way he thinks about you.

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