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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to change this because ExH said I should?

97 replies

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 14:16

Have name changed for this, sorry if this is long:

I work 3 days a week; Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. ExH has DD on a Thursday but she’s in Nursery on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I am doing a degree with OU. On a Friday I put DD into Nursery again so I can get my work for my degree done. It works well, DD enjoys Nursery and still gets a day a week with each of her parents. I tend to drop her off slightly later say 9.30am so she has her breakfast with me and pick her up earlier at about 2.30/3pm on Friday as opposed to her going 8am-5.30pm on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I pay for all 3 of her days in Nursery with no help from ExH. ExH is in a low paying job and still lives with his parents. He pays me a measly £50 a month in Child Maintenance which doesn’t even cover 1 day a month at Nursery as he told the CMS that he only works 20 hours a week when he works at least double and that he earns bang on min wage when he earns 50p per hour more than that but I can’t prove it because he refuses to give his wage slips to CMS, and apart from that Thursday where he has her 8.30am to 5pm where I have to drop her with him and pick her up at the end of my work day (thankfully his house is on the way to work). He never has her overnight or for extra time, never at a weekend because then he can go out with his friends or work as he wants. On Thursdays he stays in all day, won’t even take her to the park or walk his parents dogs with her because he’s worried about what people will think of him being out with his DD – he never took her out when we were together as he’d say people where judging him and thinking badly of him. He has the same opinion about groups despite their being two local groups purely for dads on a Thursday in our local area (“Oh no I won’t like anyone there, they’re not like me” without even trying Hmm).

DD is nearly 3. We split when DD was 18m. You can imagine why.

ExH normally has no contact with the Nursery at all; apart from attending parents evening once a year. Although they have all his details due to him being named on DDs BC. He is welcome to contact them if he wishes for updates and he had their contact details, and them his.

At pickup yesterday the finance manager called me over and asked why I was considering removing DD on a Friday. I wasn’t. Turns out ExH contacted her and said he doesn’t want her in on a Friday anymore. When I’ve asked him he’s said he doesn’t see why she needs to be in when I’m at home. I’ve explained about my OU work and how I make it a shorter day, but would be happy for him to look after her on a Friday instead. No he says he’s working. But he doesn’t want her in Nursery, because I am at home and she should be with her mother.

AIBU to put DD into Nursery while I do my degree work? I feel it’s a good use of my time as it means on Mondays and at weekends I am solely focused on DD, but if MN think it’s a bad idea I’ll change it. Also means I don’t feel rushed or panicked about my degree work as I can 100% focus on it for those 5/6 hours.

So AIBU to not change how I operate for ExH? Or do I listen to him and take DD out of Nursery for that day?

OP posts:
Eatalot · 28/04/2018 15:56

Achievement

Juells · 28/04/2018 16:00

How did he know you put her in the nursery on Fridays? Did he check with them, or did you tell him? If you mentioned it, it's a valuable lesson - he shouldn't know anything about your life or he'll try to interfere and control you. He has nothing to do all day but sit around figuring out ways to do it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/04/2018 16:03

I am fascinated on what he thinks people are judging him on when he goes out with his dd.

Another questioning if he is all there.

Original poster
WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 16:07

She's always done 3 days as my job started off as 3 days, she used to do Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but then when he said he'd have her on Thursdays I put her in on Friday instead and started my degree.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 28/04/2018 16:09

YANBU. Your ex is an immature arsehole but you already know that!

Wdigin2this · 28/04/2018 16:22

I can't believe you even considered this at all!
Tell him, that she's your responsibility on Fridays, and you'll do what you see fit, and he can sod off. Good luck with your degree!

Joanna57 · 28/04/2018 16:27

'If' MN agrees.....????

WTAF.

Are you not an adult that can make little decisions all by yourself?

Seriously.

43percentburnt · 28/04/2018 16:51

Don’t let him know you would struggle without his assistance on a Thursday, if you do he will become unreliable just to mess you around.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2018 17:03

What 43percent said.

No further discussion with arsehole Ex about Fridays. Don't give him a chance to be difficult about Thursdays. And at this point I'd probably keep schtum about his earnings being wrong with CMS, too. Time enough to rattle cages when DD starts school in Sept and you are no longer depending on him for childcare.

And you are right, he's trying to sabotage your plans to improve your financial future.

sparklepops123 · 28/04/2018 19:07

What a absolute tosser ! Seems to me he doesn't like the fact your trying to better yourself, your well rid of him as a partner

PMmeHunny · 28/04/2018 19:50

I think the phrase Off ya guck to fuck off and then fuck off somemore is made for this situation…

QueenArseClangers · 28/04/2018 19:57

YANBU.
On a side note, have you applied for the 30 free hours of childcare if DD is 3?

fizzymama · 28/04/2018 20:02

Keep your routine for you and your DD. My 2 DC go to nursery on a Friday even though I am at home. I work 3 long days and this is my day to do chores/ shopping / appointments etc all of which are far easier without DC in tow. Your ex has no say as to what your DD does whilst in your care. Just as you do not tell him what to do whilst she is in his care on a Thursday. Yes it's absolutely ridiculous he spends all his time in the house with her but you have tried to suggest things rather than force which is all you can do. Just a thought when will he spend time with her when she starts school......

BellyBean · 28/04/2018 20:06

I think you're v sensible. I'm going back to work 2.5 days after mat leave but dd will be in childcare 3 full days. You'll burn out or get behind without dedicated time, or dd will suffer on Mondays.

Separate note, would you save much £ opting for full morning session on Fri instead of short day?

Original poster
WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 20:22

BellyBeans The difference in price for a full day compared to a half day is only £10 or so (£52 for full day including all meals and snacks, or £42.50 for half day for Breakfast, Lunch and Morning snack) plus a full day gives me 3 hours in the afternoon to do work and I can leave her until 5.30pm if I'm running behind/need more time to work and it doesn't cost me any extra then.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 20:23

QueenArseClangers She's not 3 yet, but will get 30 hours from September.

OP posts:
NukaColaGirl · 28/04/2018 20:30

Tell him to fuck off, and tell CMS to do their fucking jobs properly and get his wage details from HMRC and deduct it straight from his wages which they have the power to do, ffs, they are completely useless Angry

I’m a single parent to 3DC. 2DC with ExDP. I started college last September. He didn’t want them in after school clubs till 6pm 5 days a week, and so he now finishes work early 2 days a week to pick them up from school, he then takes them to my house, makes and gives them dinner, then they all get in the car at 5:15pm, he picks me up from college and then we pick up my toddler DD from day care and he drops us at home, does bedtime routine for our DC whilst I sort my toddler out. Why? Because he realises my education is important for our DDs future as well as my own and he wants to facilitate as much as he can. (Toddlers “Dad” not around.)

But if he’d had an attitude like your ex I’d have told him to fuck right off.

JoanFrenulum · 28/04/2018 20:37

He sounds like a right piece of work. My DD is also in nursery 3 days a week so I can work on my degree. You're not alone and not unreasonable.

NoFucksImAQueen · 28/04/2018 20:54

*'If' MN agrees.....????

WTAF.

Are you not an adult that can make little decisions all by yourself?

Seriously.*

Jog on Joanna. It's clear as day that ops ex is controlling. You don't have to have been in a controlling relationship to realise that those who have can doubt themselves even when it seems obvious to other people. You don't need to be so patronising

BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 21:06

What a dick.

You are going to finish your degree and have a lovely life with your DD. Be thankful you're rid of the dick.

altiara · 28/04/2018 23:06

I think you’ve organised it perfectly.
Just have more confidence in yourself. And good luck with your degree Smile

Homemenu1 · 28/04/2018 23:19

Op you can do this, you know you are putting her in nursery to Bette yourself for you dd, you are a great role model for her.
Dad on the other hand, still living with Mum and dad, not paying child support, not such a great role model.

Don’t give it any more thought. Tell the nurse it’s nothing to do with him.
Don’t tell him anything he will try to fuck You iver

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