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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to change this because ExH said I should?

97 replies

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 14:16

Have name changed for this, sorry if this is long:

I work 3 days a week; Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. ExH has DD on a Thursday but she’s in Nursery on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I am doing a degree with OU. On a Friday I put DD into Nursery again so I can get my work for my degree done. It works well, DD enjoys Nursery and still gets a day a week with each of her parents. I tend to drop her off slightly later say 9.30am so she has her breakfast with me and pick her up earlier at about 2.30/3pm on Friday as opposed to her going 8am-5.30pm on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I pay for all 3 of her days in Nursery with no help from ExH. ExH is in a low paying job and still lives with his parents. He pays me a measly £50 a month in Child Maintenance which doesn’t even cover 1 day a month at Nursery as he told the CMS that he only works 20 hours a week when he works at least double and that he earns bang on min wage when he earns 50p per hour more than that but I can’t prove it because he refuses to give his wage slips to CMS, and apart from that Thursday where he has her 8.30am to 5pm where I have to drop her with him and pick her up at the end of my work day (thankfully his house is on the way to work). He never has her overnight or for extra time, never at a weekend because then he can go out with his friends or work as he wants. On Thursdays he stays in all day, won’t even take her to the park or walk his parents dogs with her because he’s worried about what people will think of him being out with his DD – he never took her out when we were together as he’d say people where judging him and thinking badly of him. He has the same opinion about groups despite their being two local groups purely for dads on a Thursday in our local area (“Oh no I won’t like anyone there, they’re not like me” without even trying Hmm).

DD is nearly 3. We split when DD was 18m. You can imagine why.

ExH normally has no contact with the Nursery at all; apart from attending parents evening once a year. Although they have all his details due to him being named on DDs BC. He is welcome to contact them if he wishes for updates and he had their contact details, and them his.

At pickup yesterday the finance manager called me over and asked why I was considering removing DD on a Friday. I wasn’t. Turns out ExH contacted her and said he doesn’t want her in on a Friday anymore. When I’ve asked him he’s said he doesn’t see why she needs to be in when I’m at home. I’ve explained about my OU work and how I make it a shorter day, but would be happy for him to look after her on a Friday instead. No he says he’s working. But he doesn’t want her in Nursery, because I am at home and she should be with her mother.

AIBU to put DD into Nursery while I do my degree work? I feel it’s a good use of my time as it means on Mondays and at weekends I am solely focused on DD, but if MN think it’s a bad idea I’ll change it. Also means I don’t feel rushed or panicked about my degree work as I can 100% focus on it for those 5/6 hours.

So AIBU to not change how I operate for ExH? Or do I listen to him and take DD out of Nursery for that day?

OP posts:
StringandGlitter · 28/04/2018 15:00

I’d be asking the nursery if they can redo the contract in just your name.

Bramble71 · 28/04/2018 15:02

Student Finance England can and do check the declared salary of parents when assessing student loans, so I don't believe that the CMS can't do something similar. It's downright disgraceful that they seem to allow people to lie.

PS YANBU at all. It sounds great for your daughter to be in nursery that extra bit of time and helpful to you in working on your degree.

OuaisMaisBon · 28/04/2018 15:10

The more I read, the more I think that you are being unreasonable, OP - but only because you are actually considering doing what your ExP wants you to do.
Good luck with your OU course, you are doing the best for yourself and ultimately, your daughter.

Mrsmadevans · 28/04/2018 15:10

Take no notice of the rotten pig. YANBU at all.
I do think you may be sharing to much information of your life with the prick though OP. Keep the B in the dark . None of his business.

Mosaic123 · 28/04/2018 15:12

Yes, re do the contract with nursery asap.

Storminateapot · 28/04/2018 15:13

Of course they can check his actual wages. They could access his P60 details from HMRC, it's all recorded and known. The cms refusal to do that is bullshit.

I wouldn't even dignify his interference with a message. Tell nursery to on no account take instructions on her attendance from anyone except you. He's manipulating and controlling. How dare he presume to have any say in it when he chips in less than the price of a coffee per day for her care?!

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2018 15:18

It’s pretty concerning that you are even considering he might be reasonable saying this. Tell nursery you are the one who pays , nursery is on your parenting time , adjust the contract to just you and send them an email stating what contact ex can have. As for him... I suppose you could say after a year of him paying accurate cms + funding one day a week at nursery you will consider his opinion plus not being too scared to be seen with her so he doesn’t take her out of the house , then you will hear him out.

elfycat · 28/04/2018 15:19

I took an OU degree when the DDs were babies/toddlers and YADWNBU. It takes hours. Having that Friday is a necessity and not a luxury.

And even if all you did was have 'me' time with a cup of tea and a DVD on a Friday it's STILL none of your ex's business. You'd be reasonable to have that time for whatever purpose. It's a nursery, not a work-camp. Messy play, playdough, friends her own age etc etc.

My DDs grew up with us studying (I'm taking a gap between OU module 1 and 2 for a masters at the moment) and I've had mostly positive comments about what a good thing it is for them to see. Plus it's hard for them to argue about doing their homework when I am too.

I'll add my voice to the chorus of telling him to fuck off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 15:22

I also think it is time to update the contract to just you. He’s not very bright, is he?

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 15:23

elfycat there's always time for sneaky cup of tea when the lunchtime news is on Wink

OP posts:
catsoup · 28/04/2018 15:23

CMS will gather income from HMRC once a year at your review time. So even if he is lying now, it should (hopefully) catch up with him. I'd really encourage you to go back with employer info and what you know about his earnings.
You shouldn't have to chase this but who else will?

ferntwist · 28/04/2018 15:27

YANBU. I’m staggered at how cheeky and controlling he is given he hasn’t even got his own life together. Cannot believe he makes his own daughter stay in all day as he doesn’t want to be seen out together, that is truly bizarre.
Please don’t give up your Friday or your studies.

Cakeycakecake · 28/04/2018 15:29

Just to throw this out there- I send my ds to a childminder three days a week to have a break- and for all the benefits to him, but I need rest (disabled) so I can cope, so even if you were to have a day to yourself, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Clearly, you’re is for studying but still. Unless he’s going to have little one, or pay the fees, he can fuck right off!

Please contact cms and tell them they need to review his p60 to have an accurate amount of his earnings. He’s an absolute dickhead isn’t he- can’t imag why he’s your ex! 🙄

DPotter · 28/04/2018 15:34

I always have the highest admiration for people studying for degrees with the OU AND working AND raising a family. You are a credit to your DD. Keep you daughter where she is happy and crack on with the degree!
I second the suggestion to challenge the CMS , through CAB, MP whatever - in the spare time which I'm sure is in short supply

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 28/04/2018 15:35

IMO it doesn't matter if you spend the entire day sat on your arse eating Pringles and watching back to back episode of Top Gear on Dave every Friday. It's none of his business!

bananasplits50 · 28/04/2018 15:35

I work from home a lot and wouldn't dream of keeping my youngest who is at nursery at home. I also did an MSc too and he would be dropped in to nursery when I was studying for that too. So no YANBU. Cant believe he thinks he is in a position to dictate to you what you should and shouldn't be doing on your Friday. Wouldn't waste your energy worrying about his opinion.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/04/2018 15:36

He does realise that in a year or two she'll be at school, right? Out of the house between 8 and 5/6, 5 days a week, with neither parent.

I hope your DD gets her brains from you.

HoneyBadgerApparently · 28/04/2018 15:41

He sounds like a complete wanker. He's probably jealous that you've got your life together.

Ignore him and good luck with your studies Flowers

GeorgeTheHippo · 28/04/2018 15:44

H aha ha. What an asshole.

gillybeanz · 28/04/2018 15:46

Dont change your arrangements and tell him when he's honest about his income and starts to parent properly he's allowed to comment, not dictate how you the resident parent decides to parent.

I'd also be telling him if he pulls a stunt like that again he'll be hearing from your solicitor.
Can you not go through the courts and get his access in writing

Dieu · 28/04/2018 15:49

A waste of space AND a cunt! God OP, you are so well rid. I cannot believe he had the cheek to do this.
YADNBU. And I wish you all the best with your studies.

sonjadog · 28/04/2018 15:50

He doesn't want you to succeed because it makes him feel more inadequate about himself. Keep her in nursery and keep on studying.

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 15:50

Contact isn't ordered through the courts as I'm just glad that he spends sometime with her. She starts school Sept 19 so it won't be a problem then if he decides he doesn't want to see her anymore so just holding out until then as I can't afford to put her in Nursery 4 days a week so would then struggle to keep up with my degree and/or work.

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 28/04/2018 15:53

I agree, don’t engage with him , just advise the nursery that all instructions are to come from you as you pay the bill.

Don’t let him make you feel guilty, you are doing this for a long term gain. If he’s that worried, let him take the day off.

Eatalot · 28/04/2018 15:55

For the record yanbu and seem to have your life sorted. Doing a degree and working as a single parent is a big achievable. You should be very proud of yourself.

But....you say if mn thinks you should keep her at home you will change. Fuck that. Tou do what works for you and your family regardless of what mn says or your exh, who sounds a bit of a cunt.

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