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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to change this because ExH said I should?

97 replies

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 14:16

Have name changed for this, sorry if this is long:

I work 3 days a week; Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. ExH has DD on a Thursday but she’s in Nursery on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I am doing a degree with OU. On a Friday I put DD into Nursery again so I can get my work for my degree done. It works well, DD enjoys Nursery and still gets a day a week with each of her parents. I tend to drop her off slightly later say 9.30am so she has her breakfast with me and pick her up earlier at about 2.30/3pm on Friday as opposed to her going 8am-5.30pm on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I pay for all 3 of her days in Nursery with no help from ExH. ExH is in a low paying job and still lives with his parents. He pays me a measly £50 a month in Child Maintenance which doesn’t even cover 1 day a month at Nursery as he told the CMS that he only works 20 hours a week when he works at least double and that he earns bang on min wage when he earns 50p per hour more than that but I can’t prove it because he refuses to give his wage slips to CMS, and apart from that Thursday where he has her 8.30am to 5pm where I have to drop her with him and pick her up at the end of my work day (thankfully his house is on the way to work). He never has her overnight or for extra time, never at a weekend because then he can go out with his friends or work as he wants. On Thursdays he stays in all day, won’t even take her to the park or walk his parents dogs with her because he’s worried about what people will think of him being out with his DD – he never took her out when we were together as he’d say people where judging him and thinking badly of him. He has the same opinion about groups despite their being two local groups purely for dads on a Thursday in our local area (“Oh no I won’t like anyone there, they’re not like me” without even trying Hmm).

DD is nearly 3. We split when DD was 18m. You can imagine why.

ExH normally has no contact with the Nursery at all; apart from attending parents evening once a year. Although they have all his details due to him being named on DDs BC. He is welcome to contact them if he wishes for updates and he had their contact details, and them his.

At pickup yesterday the finance manager called me over and asked why I was considering removing DD on a Friday. I wasn’t. Turns out ExH contacted her and said he doesn’t want her in on a Friday anymore. When I’ve asked him he’s said he doesn’t see why she needs to be in when I’m at home. I’ve explained about my OU work and how I make it a shorter day, but would be happy for him to look after her on a Friday instead. No he says he’s working. But he doesn’t want her in Nursery, because I am at home and she should be with her mother.

AIBU to put DD into Nursery while I do my degree work? I feel it’s a good use of my time as it means on Mondays and at weekends I am solely focused on DD, but if MN think it’s a bad idea I’ll change it. Also means I don’t feel rushed or panicked about my degree work as I can 100% focus on it for those 5/6 hours.

So AIBU to not change how I operate for ExH? Or do I listen to him and take DD out of Nursery for that day?

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 28/04/2018 14:36

Of course you're not being unreasonable, you are being very sensible and it is none of his business. I would avoid engaging with him on the subject altogether, you don't need to explain yourself to him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2018 14:40

I'll add to the "tell him to fuck off" chorus.
He cannot dictate to you that you should have her at home. If you were working, she'd need to be in daycare anyway - and you ARE working, you are doing work that will increase your chances of better employment etc. - so again, he can just fuck off.

Stupid wanker.

Plantlover · 28/04/2018 14:41

Can't believe how spineless and ineffective CMS is!

C0untDucku1a · 28/04/2018 14:42

fucking hell the cms really is not fit for purpose is it! But i guess it is fine and not in need of changing because the people who are mostly affected are women, and women dont matter.

He is a controlling arsehole. He is trying to control you. He doesnt have the child at weekend so you can’t go out. He tried to cancel Nursery because he wants to know you Don't have any time alone.

Tell the nursery he has no say at all in this.

Dont even speak to the arse hole if
You can help it. He will Try to Find other ways to control your time.

How old is he?

Rachie1973 · 28/04/2018 14:43

The reason she's there on a Friday is irrelevant! Its great that you're doing your degree, but quite honestly it wouldn't matter if you used the morning to sleep! Its none of his damned business.

OlennasWimple · 28/04/2018 14:43

I think your set up sounds perfect TBH - DC often settle better at nursery if they have three days (rather than one or two) there. Don't change a thing, and good luck with your OU course

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 14:43

C0untDucku1a Mid 20s

OP posts:
Juells · 28/04/2018 14:44

Jealous controlling wanker. The baldfaced cheek of it!!!!

Jonbb · 28/04/2018 14:44

Do you really need to ask . . .

OuaisMaisBon · 28/04/2018 14:44

No, he is the one who is being completely unreasonable. In the circumstances you describe, I'm not even sure why you would consider his opinion at all, though? Just ignore him, it's none of his business as he does so little with and for his daughter, and you're the one who is paying for the nursery, not him.

GnotherGnu · 28/04/2018 14:45

What a pathetic little man. Tell him if he's that bothered about your daughter spending time with a parent, you're happy for him to have her on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Fridays.

Juells · 28/04/2018 14:45

If he fails to sabotage your plans in that way, be prepared for him to try another tack. He'll start having problems on Thursdays or something, or report you to CPS, or some other fuckery.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2018 14:46

Bizarre response from CM. Tell them you want to set it up and get it paid through them.

Once they find out he has been underpaying you he will owe you a small fortune.

They can and usually do contact hmrc if you tell them you want the arrangement through them

catsoup · 28/04/2018 14:48

If you know his employer details and that he earns 25% more than the income used for your calculation then that is grounds for CMS to contact the employer if he won't provide wageslips.

llangennith · 28/04/2018 14:48

OP please take on board all the good advice you’ve got on here. I’ve nothing to add except good luck with your degree.

Ofthread · 28/04/2018 14:49

You've got work on Fridays too. A hole.

Iloveacurry · 28/04/2018 14:49

Don’t listen to him. Keep her in nursery on a Friday and get on with your OU work. Its got nothing to do with him, after all you’re paying for it, apart for his measly £50 a month. He sounds like a twat, but you probably know that.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 28/04/2018 14:49

CMS is useless. I often read threads on here where posters say the Op should contact the CMS and l just think, it won't help

C0untDucku1a · 28/04/2018 14:49

What catsoup said. Dont let it drop.

Glumglowworm · 28/04/2018 14:50

YADNBU

If he cared your DDs best interests, he would do things with her on Thursdays. He doesn’t care whether DD is happy on Fridays or not, he’s trying to control you

Have a word with the nursery manager and make sure they know that any changes to hours, days, whatever, can only come from you since you’re the one paying the bill and she only attends on your days with her.

You don’t need to justify yourself to the ex.

pallisers · 28/04/2018 14:52

I actually laughed out loud when I read your bit that he told the nursery you pay for that she wouldn't be coming in on Fridays because HE had decided YOU should mind her instead.

Is he all there?

Ignore him - if he wants to talk to you about it smile and say "you know we are divorced, right?".

Tell nursery he has a bit of a problem but you hope he will get help some day and in the meantime please only take instructions about schedule or anything else from you - the person who pays for nursery (and presumably the person who has the contract with nursery).

He has some cheek.

WellYesIProbablyAm · 28/04/2018 14:56

Yes I pay and have all contact with the Nursery apart from on parents evening when he comes and speaks to her keyworker for 15-20 minutes.

The contract is technically I think with both of us as I put her in Nursery when she was 12 months old when I first got my job and he looked round and helped choose where she was going, but I pay the bill from my bank account and always have.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 28/04/2018 14:56

FFS that's a piece of cheekyfuckery right there, isn't it?

Of course you don't change your set-up, I've studied with the OU and you absolutely need that time to focus on your course work. Course work that you are undertaking to build a better future for you and your DD, after all!

I'd also be sending an email to the nursery to note that the contract for DD's care is between them and you, and your XP has no right to vary the terms and conditions.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 28/04/2018 14:56

X-post - in which case I'd be asking for the contract to be updated to include your name only.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/04/2018 14:58

Go back to CMS and if they won’t investigate you can appeal to the Tribunal.

He’s an arsehole.