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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dh yesterday's tea because of his nasty drunkenness.

83 replies

littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 13:06

If he'd phoned me to let me know he was going out drinking straight after work i wouldn't have bothered cooking it. But oblivious to his drinking plan because the ignorant sod didn't ring to let me know, i'd put him a pork chop, mushrooms, peas and new potatoes on low.

He eventually turned up about 11pm absolutely steaming drunk, nasty and argumentative, couldn't even undress himself. He's gone to work today, not even an apology for all the upset, the chop, mushrooms etc still in pans. That's it, he'll have to sort it all out himself when he comes in. There's nothing else in for him.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 28/04/2018 14:34

I'm not sure I could be bothered to feed him ever again, tbh.

MadameJosephine · 28/04/2018 14:36

We've been together a long time, over 30 years.

All the more reason not to waste another 30 married to him!

eddielizzard · 28/04/2018 14:41

start envisaging a life without him. where would you like to live? what would you have around you? how would you spend your time differently? the logistics of leaving are too overwhelming right now, so don't think about that. instead think of where you want to end up. then you can work on how to get there. it may be with or without your dh.

Original poster
littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 14:41

Children are all grown up and left. There's no way i'd have made his tea if i'd known he was out drinking. But i'm home early on a friday so tend to throw our tea on at the same time. Tbf he often makes mine. He's fine when he doesn't drink. He can go for months without drinking but when he does it's the same old pattern. He's a horrible man when he's drunk. Im 55 btw.

OP posts:
llangennith · 28/04/2018 14:43

It’s never to late to start a new life. We only get one go at it so don’t waste another minute with him.

Idontdowindows · 28/04/2018 14:48

Yes he can't handle drink, always had this nasty streak in him when he's drunk

It's not that he can't handle drink. Alcohol removes inhibitions. If you want to see what kind of person someone really is, get them drunk.

kateandme · 28/04/2018 14:48

and then for the rest of the time you think.how can I think so badly of a man that I love.and then when hes drunk and treating you like that you think how can I love this man or he even be the same person!
and suddenly its the day after and lifes gone on.but each time the misery of the situation hurts all the same.
and it leVES confusion.

GnotherGnu · 28/04/2018 14:50

If you don't have children at home, leaving him would be really quite easy. Give him an ultimatum: if he ever repeats last night's behaviour again, you are out of there. And line everything up so you can make good on the threat if necessary - sort out separate finances, get copies of all the relevant documents, look at saving up a nest egg to cushion yourself financially.

ayeportly · 28/04/2018 14:56

You have my whole-hearted sympathy OP....I've been there/am there.
Not with the drinking, but with the lack of consideration, the lack of affection..the way the entire focus of his being is centred on himself.
Like you I thought/think long and hard about leaving and (so far) I've ignored the siren calls to LTB. Basically because he's not actually a bastard just a totally self-centred bloke in late middle age. I don't actually think I'd be a whole lot happier without him. Think really carefully about whether you'd be more content on your own. It's not just the logistics of getting your financial ducks in a row - essential as that is. It's also about knowing yourself and whether having another beating heart around the place is something you need or not. Do the less bad times make up for the rubbish ones?

cosytoaster · 28/04/2018 14:59

Oh God, you life just sounds miserable and makes me glad that I'm single. You really don't have to live like this.

speakout · 28/04/2018 15:10

Oh God, you life just sounds miserable and makes me glad that I'm single.

What a bitter thing to say.

I can assure you there are many of us extremely happy in caring relationships.

Original poster
littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 15:20

He's home now, but one of my daughters is here so nothing is being discussed. He's being extra nice atm. Just made us both a brew. Can't bring myself to be nice back.

OP posts:
FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 28/04/2018 15:25

He knows he screwed up.

I'd divorce the prick and take him to the cleaners for every penny.

Wolfiefan · 28/04/2018 15:25

He's a horrible man. As a PP said the alcohol just removes inhibitions. It shows you who he really is.
Time to get some advice and plan your out.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2018 15:25

You’re 55- your daughter must be an adult. You don’t want to be rude and abusive but no need to pretend nice for her. Tell her you’re sorry but you aren’t at your best, you’re rather unhappy with her dads drinkign today.

MargotMoon · 28/04/2018 15:27

Do you still love him, OP?

And, maybe more importantly, do you still like him?

If not it might be time to make some changes in your life.

Cambionome · 28/04/2018 16:00

I'm 57 and I've just left my dh - it's never too late, OP!

Original poster
littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 16:00

I'm not sure MargotMoon, maybe i do deep inside, but i don't feel deep love, i'm sure of that, not like i used to anyway.... I like him on the whole, we do get along most days. But he has a selfish streak. The way he didn't phone yesterday, before he even got drunk is an example of that selfishness. He can be thoughtless.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 28/04/2018 16:10

OP - You are younger than me! i'm divorced, with 3 dc who live with me (young adults) and I have my own house, my own car, my own life. And I love it!

I would not put up with that behaviour for a second.

FetchezLaVache · 28/04/2018 16:32

If he was genuinely a nice chap, who only ever got nasty when he was drunk, and recognised he got nasty when he was drunk, and regretted being nasty when drunk, then he'd make damn sure he never got drunk.

This, by nocoolnamesleft, I'm afraid.

TheParisofPeople · 28/04/2018 17:06

As a PP said the alcohol just removes inhibitions. It shows you who he really is.

Well meant but simplistic bs. Otherwise people in recovery would all 'really' be assholes (when they're some of the nicest humans on the planet). Someone who keeps on drinking even though they know it makes them a twat and is making their loved ones miserable either has a problem or is just a twat though. Sadly your H sounds like one of these. Especially without showing any of the famous addict's remorse.

Sounds like he is just selfish and used to getting his own way. You don't have to put up with it, no matter how long you've been together.

TeisanLap · 28/04/2018 17:11

What a bitter thing to say

I can assure you there are many of us extremely happy in caring relationships

The poster was referring to the Op’s Situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/04/2018 17:29

I have a feeling you and I are a bit close in age as I've also been married 30 years with grown children.

I put myself in your place and thought "My God, if I wasn't happy with DH, if deep in my heart I wanted to be free, that means I'd be spending the rest of my life just hoping he'd die first so I could have some peace".

That's no way to live. So look at it like this; you can spend the next two years getting a divorce and all the hassle and pain that entails knowing that you will live the rest of your life in freedom and peace OR you can spend the next 30 years in misery waiting for him to die. I know which I'd choose.

speakout · 28/04/2018 17:46

Teisanlap
makes me glad that I'm single

So that's no generalisation?

Soundsgood · 28/04/2018 17:51

Could you live with one of your children until you find somewhere.

You could have another 45 years of this!

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