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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give dh yesterday's tea because of his nasty drunkenness.

83 replies

littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 13:06

If he'd phoned me to let me know he was going out drinking straight after work i wouldn't have bothered cooking it. But oblivious to his drinking plan because the ignorant sod didn't ring to let me know, i'd put him a pork chop, mushrooms, peas and new potatoes on low.

He eventually turned up about 11pm absolutely steaming drunk, nasty and argumentative, couldn't even undress himself. He's gone to work today, not even an apology for all the upset, the chop, mushrooms etc still in pans. That's it, he'll have to sort it all out himself when he comes in. There's nothing else in for him.

OP posts:

Ilovecamping · 28/04/2018 13:39

If he was that drunk hoe he didn't drive to work.

OutingMyDog · 28/04/2018 13:39

I wouldn't be worrying about what he's eating at all tbh.

Ellie56 · 28/04/2018 13:40

We've been together a long time, over 30 years

Doesn't mean you have to put up with this crap for another 30 years. He sounds a right knob. You can do better than him.

MilesHuntsWig · 28/04/2018 13:42

Ditch him or go to counselling if you want to try. He doesn’t respect you and that’s not acceptable behaviour. Really sorry.

dayinlifeof · 28/04/2018 13:42

It's not your job to feed him. I'd bin the lot and let him sort out his own meal.

Original poster

littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 13:45

No he wasn't driving, his job was within walking distance. I know, it sounds ridiculous of me to be talking about his food. But for today at least it's my weapon, the satisfaction of him having to eat yesterday's tea itms.

OP posts:

BennyTheBall · 28/04/2018 13:45

More fool you, OP.

Let him sort his own food out. The last thing I would be doing is even thinking about what he is eating.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2018 13:47

I cook for my children because their children
I wouldnt cook for a belligerent adult who is mouthy when he’s drunk.no way

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/04/2018 13:48

But for today at least it's my weapon, the satisfaction of him having to eat yesterday's tea itms

Oh OP . Don't let him treat you like this. He has no respect for you. Have you ever imagined/considered a life without him?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2018 13:50

But it’s only a weapon if he’s bothered?chances are he’ll eat your delicious food and be nonplussed

LJdorothy · 28/04/2018 13:54

Take the focus off the food. Don't talk of weapons, because you're fighting a losing battle. Take the focus off him and his crap behaviour. Think about you and decide if you want him in your life the way he is, not the way you want him to be, because you cannot talk him into changing. You don't need to rush your decision, unless he is violent, but if you want a better, happier life it might be a decision worth making.

Original poster

littlesprocker · 28/04/2018 13:54

I have considered leaving him many times, but it all feels so overwhelming.

OP posts:

kateandme · 28/04/2018 13:58

sorry your going through this.and for so long.
do stuff tofay that makes you feel good.at this point his misery and treatment are still hurting you because your giving them this time.go out there and be happy doing stuff you love.this will in the insant help calm you and later too equipt you with a day full of good thoughts intead of brooding over someonthing and someone who has mae you feel shit. your instead going out there taking power back and feeling good again.you deserve to be able to do that.
and yes.give him the leftovers. don't ague.dont let him challenge simply state this is tea.if he argues he can cook for you both.if he doesn't want it.starve. take that power back to not react.its gone on too long.you deserve better.xx

TeisanLap · 28/04/2018 13:58

We've been together a long time, over 30 years.

Op, you don’t have to put up with this nonsense. Start a thread asking how you would go about making changes in your life that will mean you enjoy a good middle abd old age.

There are lots of us here who left marriages of a lifetime, 36 years in my case.

We can help you.

elisenbrunnen · 28/04/2018 14:00

Well it is ovedrwhelming. It's a big thing...

BUT -it's one step at a time. Each step can be medium-to-big. Some are small (see a solicitor) and can be done whatever the eventual outcome.

I'd be thinking about getting my affairs in order, finding out all the info I could on his earnings as well, and finding out your rights.

All small steps.

GabriellaMontez · 28/04/2018 14:02

I wouldn't be making him any tea.

He thinks he can treat you like shit and you'll never leave. Is he right?
Why not spend the afternoon planning a life without him. How old are you?

NorksAreMessy · 28/04/2018 14:04

This might just be the straw......

Can we help you to get your head straight about this horrible man?

SilverySurfer · 28/04/2018 14:05

The focus of your day and beyond should be doing what makes you happy, not wondering what to give the oik for his tea.

nocoolnamesleft · 28/04/2018 14:13

If he was genuinely a nice chap, who only ever got nasty when he was drunk, and recognised he got nasty when he was drunk, and regretted being nasty when drunk, then he'd make damn sure he never got drunk.

I'm so sorry, littlesprocker but I think the food is a distraction.

mrcharlie · 28/04/2018 14:18

I'll never understand why a woman would put up living with a drunk!

My dad was pretty much pissed every single evening throughout my childhood - infact right up until I left home at 26. I'm now almost 50, don't touch alcohol and utterly detest drunks with a hatred you can not begin to comprehend.

My vivid memories are that of living with a jackal and hyde character, not knowing which would fall through the door each evening.

Doman · 28/04/2018 14:19

I'm sorry he's been so mean to you. I agree with PP saying that you need to think about the small steps to leaving, if it feels too overwhelming at the moment.

SluttyButty · 28/04/2018 14:21

I had a husband like that many,many years ago. My tolerance for people who are nasty especially when drinking has always been low. I divorced him, best thing I ever did and we hadn't been married that long.

Let the idea of a life without this shit mull over in your mind and let us help you realise you're worth far more than this.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/04/2018 14:26

Of course it seems overwhelming he’s eroded your wellbeing and self confidence
If You seriously want to leave,make a plan.small steps,break into stages
Gather relevant documents and make copies
Get financial documentation together
Think about your next steps eg accommodation, your support network
Do you have children?

JessieMcJessie · 28/04/2018 14:29

You do realise it’s not your job to feed him don’t you? Adults cook for each other because of mutual respect and wanting to spend time together. If he can get his own pint he can get his own tea, don’t give it a second thought.

dayinlifeof · 28/04/2018 14:31

But for today at least it's my weapon, the satisfaction of him having to eat yesterday's tea itms.

Maybe you can take steps towards your satisfaction being a life carved out for you with who you want in it? Your DP only needs to be in your life if you want him to be. I'd do what others say and start gathering information about finances and so on.

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