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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

2 month old baby...Stag do

63 replies

newmum19871 · 28/04/2018 12:49

Hi Everyone,

I think I should start by saying I'm pretty sure I have bee struggling with PND, although I feel I am starting to make some progress with it now.

I am a first time mom and my daughter is 6 weeks old. My other half is going on a stag do abroad (2 nights) when she will be just 2 months old, I am wondering if I am wrong to be upset about this?

He is a great daddy and has been very supportive. A big part of my pnd was me feeling that he does a much better job than me and I don't know how to parent without him. We also have a great relationship and I know he wouldn't do anything to upset me on purpose.

I can't stop thinking about this stag do though. I keep thinking he will be out of the house all week at work, straight to the airport after work on Friday then his flight leaves at 8pm on Sunday so he will be back late - then back to another week of work. I think it's the idea of all the parenting being my responsibility and not having the support there, especially at night.

I guess I need to believe in myself a bit more...

OP posts:

LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/04/2018 12:52

You will need to look after your DD alone at some time.

Can you not arrange for family or friends to stay over?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 28/04/2018 12:54

Honestly I don't see an issue with it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/04/2018 12:56

It's just two nights and it will fly by. At two months most babies sleep a lot anyway.

Are you seeking treatment for the PND?

welshweasel · 28/04/2018 12:57

I’d arrange to go and visit a friend or have someone come and stay with me. That’s what I did when my husband had to go away with work at a similar age.

greenllicic · 28/04/2018 12:58

I could understand if the baby was a week old but they will be 2 months old and you will have had lots of practice to cope on your own. Also it may give you more confidence in yourself knowing that you can do this. I can understand your worries though

lifechangesforever · 28/04/2018 12:59

As a FTM who is facing DH not even been able to have paternity leave with me I think you are being 'unreasonable', having said that, it's obviously something you're struggling to control and just simply may not be able to help it.

Focus on the fact that you're doing a great job all week whilst he's at work, it's just one weekend, we are all still entitled to do the things we did before babies.

If there's family or friends you can rely on, ask them to come over and spend the weekend or even just an afternoon with you to break it up.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2018 13:01

I would have been like this but I can assure you it’s hornones and fear.

Life really does go on and I think you should allow him to go with grace.

In two years time when you look back this won’t be on your radar.

Congrats on the baby

RadioGaGoo · 28/04/2018 13:01

My husband went away for 10 days at a similar age. I went to visit my mother. It was mainly for company though as she is pretty useless with the baby stuff!

Original poster

newmum19871 · 28/04/2018 13:02

Thanks everyone :)

I don't have an issue with him going away, it's definitely a confidence issue. Yes I'm getting some help now I have accepted that I am finding it tough. x

Birth didn't go to plan and couldn't breastfeed and have been feeling a lot of guilt over this, but starting to see that isn't my fault now.

OP posts:

Rachie1986 · 28/04/2018 13:02

Hi OP.

I had pnd, and struggled a lot with feelings that you're describing (not being as good a parent, how to parent alone). I would not have coped very well had DH gone away when DD was 2months, would have been so worried and anxious about it.
Are you getting help - have you seen GP?
If you DH needs to go, as he's agreed, is there anyone who could come and stay with you whilst he's away?

Rachie1986 · 28/04/2018 13:05

To those suggesting at 2months most babies sleep a lot, I'm not sure that's true. Most of my friends were really struggling with not getting enough sleep thanks to baby at the 2m mark. At the weekends they often needed DH to take baby for an hour or 2 so they could sleep if they were doing night feeds all week (as husbands working). So doing all week, a whole weekend, then another whole week is a big deal at that age imo.
My daughter had reflux by the 2m mark and hated lying down. Sleep was a real issue.

MoveOnTheCards · 28/04/2018 13:06

I felt the same when my DH has to go away when Ds was so young. It was incredibly daunting and I too felt like parenting came far more naturally to him and I was just flailing around the edges, on the brink of making a massive cock-up.

However, I made plans to meet with others, ‘saved’ some errands to run (so we had excuses to go out and I could feel ‘productive’ in more ways) and I managed it! After that I felt far more confident in my own abilities as a new Mum and the next time he had to go away it was easier (he travels for work).

You will be fine!

MoveOnTheCards · 28/04/2018 13:07

Just saw your post about the birth, breastfeeding and feeling guilty. You could be me. Honestly, have faith!

sprinklesandsauce · 28/04/2018 13:28

Two months is still very early days, especially if you have PND. YANBU to feel like this, but he is NBU by going.

I think you should ask a friend over for the weekend if you can, and then it will fly by for you.

Is there any way he could take the Monday off work?

notWithoutFault · 28/04/2018 13:34

If you do have PND then you are sick so I don't think anyone can really judge if he should be going as they don't exactly know the situation.

In ordinary circumstances I'd say you were being unreasonable.

How old are you? When is the stag? Babies are a very steep learning curve and a lack of confidence in ability in the first week seems to be replaced by 2-3 weeks by looking like you've been a nanny for the last decade or two.

notWithoutFault · 28/04/2018 13:35

Sorry, how old are they (the baby).

Ginger1982 · 28/04/2018 13:36

It'll be hard but the making of you. DH went to Holland for a week with Work when DS was 3 weeks old. It was the hardest week of my life but by the end of it I was confident I could care for DS on my own (which I frequently do as he often works away). You will manage.

kateandme · 28/04/2018 13:38

maybe every time the fears come up,remember to say to yourself could this be my illness talking.is thie real.remember thoughts not facts often with things like depression.pnd.anxiety etc.
your head will be telling its stories to stear you in fears way and to doubt yourself.
but your doing really well.and its ok to be scared.dnt run away from the feeling,kiind of take it on board and think."ok this is how I'm feeling how can I help myself"
could you talk it through with your help,dp.family.put some straight rational thinking in place or some way to cope.
perhaps sort out a time slot he will ring or check in.
are you hnest with dp.do they no of how much uve been struggling.this will help no end.to just feel comforted and support will give you even enough strength to remember you can cope.
have faith in yourself you've seen what pp poster have said so it can be done,so can you.
don't feel guilt or shame for anything your doing.you trying your best.you love your little one,that is all that counts no matter how many the mistakes or ups and downs along the way.
a mum never gets it right until they do lol.
so look at the time between now and the stag.what can you put in place.things that will help upon being fearfully triggered.family on board.dp on board.
have you thought about a journal.sometimes when they thought bombard you just getting them out can help.and then you come bac to it later and realise "hang on that thought came and went and I'm still ok"
it will be ok.keep getting support.

0lgaDaPolga · 28/04/2018 13:38

You will be ok. It’s a daunting prospect but honestly you will be fine. I too had a horrible birth and guilt over not bf and I know how you feel. It will get easier and you will be ok for a couple of nights with the baby.

Highhorse1981 · 28/04/2018 13:40

I’d have zero problem with this.
Zero.
But then I didn’t suffer from pnd

Cornettoninja · 28/04/2018 13:41

I think it depends on a lot of things tbh, what would be UR in one situation wouldn't be in another.

From what you've posted I think it depends a lot on your support network. Do you have people to spend a day or so with or someone to come spend stay for a few days? Babies can be very isolating and I know that I found dp would be literally the only adult I had any contact with for weeks on end sometimes. In the midst of my most difficult times I would have been distressed at the thought of losing a weekend.

pasanda · 28/04/2018 13:45

It sounds like it's not the stag do itself that's the problem but how you will cope. At 2 months old I was so fearful of being alone with ds. I had severe pnd.

I hope you have plenty of support around you. Maybe your mum could come and stay.

It's a tough time and I hope your health visitor is aware of how you feel.

Blaablaablaa · 28/04/2018 13:46

My DH went to Vietnam for a week with work when our DS was 8 weeks old. I think it was a lot worse for him as he missed us both so much.

I arranged for friends to visit and some stayed over a couple of nights. If you can do that it will help and the time will fly by.

Loandbeholdagain · 28/04/2018 13:50

You massively have my sympathy OP. My DH didn’t go away (turning down offers) until our first was 6 months. I know thats not the norm, but it was very appreciated!

MollyCule · 28/04/2018 13:54

My DH went away for work for a week when DD was 4 weeks old. My mum came to stay with me while he was away. Could anyone come and stay with you?

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