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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2 month old baby...Stag do

63 replies

newmum19871 · 28/04/2018 12:49

Hi Everyone,

I think I should start by saying I'm pretty sure I have bee struggling with PND, although I feel I am starting to make some progress with it now.

I am a first time mom and my daughter is 6 weeks old. My other half is going on a stag do abroad (2 nights) when she will be just 2 months old, I am wondering if I am wrong to be upset about this?

He is a great daddy and has been very supportive. A big part of my pnd was me feeling that he does a much better job than me and I don't know how to parent without him. We also have a great relationship and I know he wouldn't do anything to upset me on purpose.

I can't stop thinking about this stag do though. I keep thinking he will be out of the house all week at work, straight to the airport after work on Friday then his flight leaves at 8pm on Sunday so he will be back late - then back to another week of work. I think it's the idea of all the parenting being my responsibility and not having the support there, especially at night.

I guess I need to believe in myself a bit more...

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 28/04/2018 14:09

If it's a good friend of his he won't want to miss the stag do. My husband went on a skiing holiday when I had a 3 month old. I took my mum to Menorca with the baby and we had a lovely time. Why not do something like that?

Oowatchasay · 28/04/2018 14:14

It'll be fine. My husband went away for the weekend when my first born was 3 months, I also I had PND (though I wasn't aware). I actually enjoyed it, I find the routine and things stay in place when DH isn't around and I get a bit of peace.

Still feel that way now with a 5,3and2yo. When he's not here all the kids are in bed early and the routine is down. When he's here it's all out of the window!

It can be daunting the first time though but I'm sure you're a great mum and will handle it just fine. Maybe make some freezer food so you can get something to eat and not have to cook.x

CaveMum · 28/04/2018 14:15

Sorry to hear you’ve been suffering from PND and glad you are getting some help with it.

Honestly, you will be fine. You are nervous and it’s understandable but you can do this! It’s only for a few nights. My DH was deployed to Afghanistan when DD was 10 weeks old it was bloody terrifying, for lots of reasons, and hard work but everyone survived.

Original poster
newmum19871 · 28/04/2018 14:23

Wow thank you so much, so many lovely replies and I can see it could be so much worse!

Unfortunately my mum died when I was 6. I've identified this as a contributing factor as I was feeling like I had no example of 'being a mum' to refer to. I can see now that 'being a mum' is an instinct and lots of great mummies are without their own mums.

Someone asked how old I am - I'm 30 - not exactly a spring chicken! Feeling like this can happen to anyone I guess. xxx

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 28/04/2018 14:23

Rachie1986
Agree 100%!
Just because your baby slept a lot at 8 weeks doesn't make it true for others.
OP I also would have been upset if DH went away for stag do at 8 weeks, its different if its for work.
I imagine if OP left her 8 week old infant with OH to go partying for the weekend some of the replies would most likely be very different

coconutpie · 28/04/2018 14:26

YANBU. Your baby is only a newborn and you have PND. Your DH's first duty is to look after his family and I think he should cancel going on the stag, you need support. I hope you are seeking help for the PND - counselling is so effective .

MissMooMoo · 28/04/2018 14:31

You will be fine!
My DH went on a stag do when our ds was 3 weeks old last June.
He was away for 2 nights.
Both nights I ordered a takeaway and I had plenty of snacks/easy food all prepared in the fridge by DH for me.
You can do it!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/04/2018 14:33

Hi OP congratulations on your baby. I didn't suffer PND but felt the same when my husband had to go away with work at 6 weeks old. It's just the support being there to have a break if baby won't stop crying etc. You will cope though I promise! Practically it will be fine, I would just plan to see people. Anyone! Even if they are no practical help with a baby it will make you feel a lot better. I goty aunt over to stay, she has health issues and can't lift babies so i did all the child care but having the company really helped. And you will be owed a night / weekend off when the baby is a bit older! If you're really stressing about it though is there any way your husband would compromise - go away for one night for example? Good luck

Oowatchasay · 28/04/2018 14:42

Unfortunately my mum died when I was 6. I've identified this as a contributing factor as I was feeling like I had no example of 'being a mum' to refer to. I can see now that 'being a mum' is an instinct and lots of great mummies are without their own mums.

Sorry for your loss OP. I haven't known my mum since I was 2 and I also felt that way and I also resented other people having their mums to turn to for a while. Like you say though, it doesn't affect your capabilities but it can be difficult in terms of that lack of support and wanting to share your child with them too. Hugs x

confusedlittleone · 28/04/2018 14:44

Only ok if he's also given you 2 days away.... otherwise he can stay home and help look after his child.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/04/2018 14:46

Also...plan. get any chores done first, sort out meals etc in advance, so you don't feel overwhelmed with tasks if it's just the two of you

Sippingmytea · 28/04/2018 14:51

I feel for you OP. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I felt the same with my first and suspect I was also struggling with PND. A huge part of my anxiety was that my partner was such a good dad, I felt it reflected badly on me and that I was an ‘unnatural’ mum for needing his help so much. Maybe use this weekend as an opportunity to build your confidence- you can do it without it - and maybe make some plans or something nice for you and your little one to do. Feel free to PM me if you need any support - I’ve been there and remember how hard it was.

FannyFaceAche · 28/04/2018 14:52

I feel for you, I'm guessing you feel vulnerable. It is weird being left alone with your DC while the DH is abroad. I did it for the first time the other weekend. We've recently emigrated to another country, DH flies off for work for 5 days on the other side of the world. I woke up the first morning and had a bit of a panic.... What the hell was I going to do with DC alllll weekend but I filled my days and it flew past. I didn't have any friends or family around to help either so it really was a lone effort. Bit scary but I was pleased I coped and it's character building I spose? Just take it easy on yourself. Either you lock yourself away with DC and just stay in pj's and relax or you get out and about. Or a mix of both 😊 you might secretly enjoy it? Bed to yourself, eat what/when you like etc, etc....

notWithoutFault · 28/04/2018 14:57

@newmum19871

I asked how old you were but corrected it. I meant to ask how old the baby was because I was being stupid and missed it in the OP

I wasn't doing the passive aggressive MN thing.

"I can see now that 'being a mum' is an instinct"

More trial and error Smile

"and lots of great mummies are without their own mums."

Definitely. Or great Mums who had poor parents as role models.

AngelsSins · 28/04/2018 15:01

Honestly I don't see an issue with it.

PND is the issue. Why do people minimise it?

MollyCule · 28/04/2018 15:04

Flowers sorry about your mum OP. I had DD at 31 and I didn't have pnd but I would have been anxious about something like this too. In fact I think I was in shock for a long time after giving birth (difficult labour). I hope you are able to sort something out.

Highhorse1981 · 28/04/2018 15:05

Only ok if he's also given you 2 days away.... otherwise he can stay home and help look after his child.

Such a childish narrow way to look at things.

Balance is so important but it’s not a tally.

Ketayuzu · 28/04/2018 15:24

Don't feel bad OP. I felt exactly the same for the first 4 months I'd say. I know people say you shouldn't be so worried but I found having a small baby terrifying. Anytime DH went away I went to stay with my mum until she was about 1!
Ask a friend over for at least one night. Tell them they don't have to help at night but you just need someone to reassure you you're not going crazy/doing the wrong thing! Or go stay with a friend who already has kids. At least plan busy days with stressfree friends.
Some might say I was too dependant on DH for the first few months - and I did always feel before DC arrived that he would be better at parenting than me- but I've always been pretty confident in every other respect - good job, high responsibility, travelled alone- but there was something about the responsibility of a tiny life that scared the crap out of me!

Dieu · 28/04/2018 15:56

I think you know YABU, but it is understandable!
I promise you, you will feel SO much better when the weekend is over and you think 'yay, I CAN do this'. Sometimes when we have someone else to lean on overly, we don't really see what we're capable of ourselves.
Hope that doesn't sound unkind, as I really don't mean it to Flowers
Oh, and I echo the suggestions of getting some company while he's away. Even if it's someone not particularly baby oriented, the time will go faster - and more pleasantly - if you're not completely on your own.
Good luck x

StripStripHooray · 28/04/2018 16:03

Having a new baby is terrifying. Genuinely. Add to that you're suffering with PND, I want to give you a hug.

To echo others, you will be absolutely fine. Get your favourite ready meals in, some pop, biscuits. Comfort foods that you can do in a microwave and eat with one hand. Download a few box sets ready. Get everything set up so you've got it all sorted. Have you got any nice parks nearby to go for a walk? Do you have a sling? (Sorry if I'm covering what's already been covered.) Preparation is the key. Fresh bedding on.

Massive hug, it will be fine. You'll hopefully look back on this and think I did it/thank fuck that's over/I'm a legend.

raviolidreaming · 28/04/2018 16:19

I’d have zero problem with this. Zero

Good for you. I also didn't have PND, but I had a baby who had colic, reflux, and fought sleep. I would have died the proverbial thousand deaths if my DH had gone away at 8 weeks.

raviolidreaming · 28/04/2018 16:22

PND is the issue. Why do people minimise it?

Indeed. I suspect OP would have had different answers though if she'd posted 'I have PND and my husband wants to go on a stag do when our baby is 8 weeks. AIBU?'

mindutopia · 28/04/2018 16:24

I think it depends on if you feel you’re able to manage on your own and also if it’s already been booked and paid for (I’m assuming it has).

My dh went away to a friends wedding when our first was about 3 months (it was child free hence why I stayed at home). I was really nervous about it, but actually it was totally fine. Much easier than I expected. You’ll likely find the same. Babies tend to start getting easier from 6 weeks so everything will likely be much easier by then too.

My dh is going to a stag do this summer and leaving me with two. How the hell I’ll manage to put two of them to bed on my own I have no idea! But it’s for two nights and I’ll manage. He’s otherwise supportive and spends a lot of time with us and takes on a sizeable share of parenting so I think it’s good for him to have a break. I get my breaks too though less so at the moment because I’m bf and can’t be away. Eventually though it does even out.

Maybe he could work from home or take a couple days off that week to support you more before he goes?

SunnyCoco · 28/04/2018 16:28

My husband went away with work for a week when baby was 5 weeks old. I don’t have any family nearby to help

My advice is to plan in advance. Have easy meals sorted out , plan to meet a friend during the day, both of you make sure all bins emptied and laundry done etc before he goes. You’ll be fine and you will hopefully feel more confident afterwards as it’ll have been a big achievement 👍

Best of luck

Welshmummy1 · 28/04/2018 17:08

It sounds like it might actually do you good. My hubby worked away (a flight away) Monday-Friday when I was pregnant and for the first 8 months after our little one was born. It was daunting at first but I’m very confident and able at dealing with pretty much anything that’s thrown at me now.