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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to just leave him?

62 replies

lunalove · 28/04/2018 10:57

I have very poor health - mentally and physically and need a lot of help from my family to keep on top of things. My husband works away during the week but is usually home at weekends.
A few weeks ago when I was very ill he made plans to spend the weekend with a friend - someone he knew for a summer abroad years ago and hadn’t seen since. The friend is visiting this weekend. I told my husband at the time I didn’t think it was fair for him to be gone all week and then spent two full days including the evening with his friend and leave me alone with the kids again. We never resolved it and now he’s off out despite me telling him I’m unhappy but he refuses to compromise or change his plans
Would I be unfair to pack a bag and go to my parents? I’m so angry and hurt and feel totally alone. What’s the point of being married if you don’t have a partner?

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 28/04/2018 11:21

it's so hard to comment...all I have to go on here OP is that you're unwell (which I sympathise with) and that your husband works all week and then spends weekends at home with you (usually as you say) also that you "need a lot of help"

Perhaps he just needs a break OP? If he is usually with you...which you say he is, perhaps it would be just as well to let him go with good grace and get someone else to help you this weekend?

Original poster

lunalove · 28/04/2018 11:23

There’s no one else to help me because they were here during the week
Maybe I’m being childish I’m just so fed up of this whole situation.

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 11:27

I'm sorry to hear you're unwell, OP.

From what you've posted, you do sound slightly unreasonable - your husband's weekend away sounds like a one-off - everyone is entitled to an occasional break. Perhaps he could reciprocate so you could get away another weekend, if your health permits.

Could your parents help out with childcare while he is away?

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 11:32

It is a tough one really because it sounds as though you both need a break/change of routine.

You've both had a few weeks notice to get you whatever help you need. Instead of 'just leaving him', could you not have planned to spend the weekend at your parent's house anyway?

Unless you actually want to leave him for good, in which case you'll both need to do a whole heap of planning.

Original poster

lunalove · 28/04/2018 11:39

I didn’t think he would keep his plans tbh. I’m quite shocked as we haven’t discussed it since and I assumed he would perhaps just spend time with him one day and then be home the other. And I don’t think I was clear he’s not going away for the weekend his friend is staying nearby so he could have been home for some of the weekend if he’d wanted to.
He leaves again Monday to go away for work. And I’ve got so much housework and laundry to do and he’s not here to help. And he’s barely seen the kids.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 11:44

How many kids and how old are they?

I think in your position I'd just do the bare minimum housework and laundry and just take them to my parent's for the weekend.

That might be nice for all of you.

Lacucuracha · 28/04/2018 11:46

Poor guy. You say he's usually home on weekends, yet you begrudge him a weekend with a friend.

And you were sick weeks ago, how did you know then that you would still be sick weeks later, unless it's a chronic illness?

And you told him you were unhappy about and just assumed he would do as you say? That's a bit controlling.

Try and get equal leisure time for yourself and let the poor man see his friends.

Does he do his fair share of housework/childcare on weekends/evenings?

ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 11:46

It sounds as though he wants a break/change of scene - something you'd probably benefit from as well!

Could your children stay with their grandparents to give you a bit of space? Does all your housework have to be done urgently - could you just do what really matters and leave the rest until your husband can give you a hand?

ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 11:47

x-post with Worra

LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/04/2018 11:47

By the sounds of it your DH needs a break.

Are your kids old enough to help out - to put things in the washing machine or do a quick hoover? Get a take away for dinner?

chocatoo · 28/04/2018 11:49

I guess he did give you warning that he wanted to see his friend - it doesn't sound as if he get's much time to see friends. If my husband wanted to meet up with an old friend I would try and accommodate that.

I suppose the problem is that you rely on him to help at home - it's a tricky one as I kind of feel he deserves a bit of fun with his friend, but I do sympathise because it makes it hard for you.

Next time I think you both need to make sure things are organised so that you have more support whilst he isn't there.

daphneduck · 28/04/2018 11:50

I think leaving him would leave you in a worse off position.

He’s entitled to a break as well.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 28/04/2018 11:51

From someone who is chronically ill I do think YABU, but I really can imagine what it must be like for you.
Your husband needs to be able to have 1 weekend away if he chooses to, agreed that it would have been good if you comprise BUT if you don’t allow his freedom he then runs the risk of becoming your carer and could end up resenting you and then where would your relationship be anyway?

Your housework will still be there next week OP. Don’t let the housework put you in a bad mood/bad place

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 28/04/2018 11:51

I think you are being a little unreasonable. I think your DH should be allowed to take the occasional weekend away with an old friend, but you both should have sorted things before he went so you had the help you need.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2018 11:53

Leaving your ill health aside for a moment, I wouldn't be happy if he'd basically chosen to not see you our the kids for basically two weeks because he'd made weekend plans. If Friend is near surely you could have done something ask together as a family, he could have popped hinge for a few hours etc.

The fact that you have long running poor physical and mental ill health and your husband chooses to be away afford week leaving you with full care of the children makes me question how well either of you are coping and I think that needs to be addressed separately.

Yanbu to be annoyed

mistermagpie · 28/04/2018 11:54

There does need to be 'fairness' to avoid resentment building up but it sounds like he's generally with you on the weekends and this is a one-off. I think, given you have a family together, that leaving him over this would be a bit drastic. I have two very young children and my DH has had a couple of weekends away over the past year, it's not ideal (for me!) but I get that he needs a break and it's a rare treat.

Can you arrange some time for yourself for a weekend soon? Sounds like you need a break too and, as I say, fairness is important.

Original poster

lunalove · 28/04/2018 11:56

It is chronic illness. I’ve been ill for a long time and the last few months until recently I’ve been severely depressed. Kids are preschool age so not very helpful.
I understand where you’re all coming from - perhaps I am being controlling. But I would have thought compromising and just doing one day wasn’t much to ask for. I don’t know. My friends and family aren’t happy with the situation and resent that he priorises his career so much especially since it all got too much a few months ago and I got a bit suicidal.
I’ve defended him and wouldn’t let anyone criticise him but I’m thinking perhaps they’re right.
The trouble is he works constantly - even evenings and weekends he takes phone calls and emails. Just so he can earn as much money as possible. Which I understand because I can’t work so we need the money but what he earns is way more than two salaries worth.

OP posts:

Coolaschmoola · 28/04/2018 11:57

Partnership cuts both ways.

He works away all week, then cares for you every weekend. Life is therefore difficult for BOTH of you.

You need so much support that people have to step in whilst he works, which means that you must need a lot of support on a weekend too.

Of course your husband should do that, but after he does that week in week out YOU should also be happy for him to have an occasional break.

I am a carer for my DH. I also work fulltime in a very stressful, challenging role. Without my occasional breaks (recommended by my gp and local Carer Support network) I honestly think I would have a breakdown. And then we'd be fucked. As, I suspect, would you.

Your husband is there for you every weekend. He now wants ONE weekend to see his friends. It is you who isn't being fair to your partner, not him.

You had weeks to sort out help so he could see his friend, but you thought he would and SHOULD change his plans. You're being selfish.

fleshmarketclose · 28/04/2018 12:01

If he's earning well why don't you buy in services to take the pressure off? A cleaner and some childcare would help you enormously.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 12:01

It sounds tough all round.

Tough for you being unwell and having to cope with pre-schoool kids and tough for him, trying to support you all both financially and physically.

I can understand why he just wants a weekend to himself with his friend, but I can also understand that you probably need the same.

It's too late now, but next time make sure you both plan the childcare together.

Louiselouie0890 · 28/04/2018 12:02

Everyone needs a break

Original poster

lunalove · 28/04/2018 12:03

Ok. Sounds like I’m wrong then. Thanks everyone for giving me perspective

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 12:03

fleshmarketclose's idea is a good one.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/04/2018 12:03

Are you getting treatment for your MH issues? Is there any additional help that might be available to you (I appreciate that given the state of the economy and all the cuts, that might be a 'no')?

I think your H may be working so hard because he worries that there may be a time when he has to give up work and look after you full time - is that likely? Also, having a partner who is ill, particularly if there is a depression/MH element to the illness, is really draining. If his life consists of nothing but work and helping you with chores, it's not surprising he needed a break.
Last of all, the fact that you just ordered him to cancel his plans and were surprised that he didn't makes you sound a bit demanding and needy.

saison4 · 28/04/2018 12:06

Tbh, working away from home isn't the jolly you image it to be. I also have been a carer for my DP when he was very unwell with a chronic condition and depression. It was hell for him but hell for me too. Don't underestimate the impact in him.

and if he usually spends the weekend with you/DC, and you need help, he will need a break as well. I would let this go.

if you cannot even cope a weekend alone, how on earth would you do it longterm? and if you are do poorly, could you afford moving out and handling the stress of it all?

also, being the sole earner is incredibly stressful - esp when your partner is chronically ill and you know that your partner won't return to work soon. don't underestimate that either.

you say kids are pre school age. do they attend any kind of childcare? do you have family nearby? and other support?

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