Aibu to just leave him?

[lunalove]

I have very poor health - mentally and physically and need a lot of help from my family to keep on top of things. My husband works away during the week but is usually home at weekends.
A few weeks ago when I was very ill he made plans to spend the weekend with a friend - someone he knew for a summer abroad years ago and hadn’t seen since. The friend is visiting this weekend. I told my husband at the time I didn’t think it was fair for him to be gone all week and then spent two full days including the evening with his friend and leave me alone with the kids again. We never resolved it and now he’s off out despite me telling him I’m unhappy but he refuses to compromise or change his plans
Would I be unfair to pack a bag and go to my parents? I’m so angry and hurt and feel totally alone. What’s the point of being married if you don’t have a partner?

The op said she has help through the week, so she obviously isn't doing childcare alone 24/5.

Maybe an au pair? Company, help with children, light housework?

Ah, i read where she said she needed a lot of help from family during the week, and interpreted that as needing to lean on family/friends because she was struggling. In which case, I don't think it's reasonable to expect her to continue to struggle over the weekend.

If it's paid-for childcare, I agree that's a bit different.

We do have a cleaner come once a week which helps enormously but obviously there’s laundry and cooking which I find difficult as standing for any length of time is draining for me.
Little ones are in nursery couple of hours in the morning but after reading all the messages I think I might extend it to a few hours in the afternoon a couple of days a week so I can focus on getting myself to appointments and try and see friends. I’ve really isolated myself the last few months and you’re all right I need to do things for myself which I don’t unless it involves being a mother.
I was in therapy but had to stop going for reasons beyond my control a few months ago and haven’t found the time or energy to look for a new counsellor. It’s not terribly easy because my mh issues aren’t straightforward but I’m going to look into it next week. I’ve just been in survival mode for so long I’ve let everything else go.

I also read it that op gets unpaid help from family /friends. I also don’t think she sounds controlling. She sounds desperate. I’ve been where she is now.

When I said he earns more than two salaries I’m coming from a very poor background. My father was the sole earner and made about 18k a year. Most people would probably consider my husbands income not very wealthy.

36k isn't an awful lot for a family of of 4 with 2 homes (he is not sleeping at home during the week so assume he pays rent), 2 children in childcare and one parent who is technically Sahm. No wonder he is working so hard.

I get you are unwell but you are at home during the week, and you have a cleaner and the children are in childcare in the morning. Do you mind saying what your condition is? you may get some more practical pointers that way.

I dont think YABU Luna. It must be a great strain on you to always be trying to dig deep and be on call fo rthe kids 24/7 while he is away so no wonder you also want support and a breather at the weekend. Whether he is having an easy or a hard time being away is not relevant (and it seems like it is his choice rather then necessity). Also I don't think YABU to want him to be 'present' as you put it to look after his children in the evening rather than just work, and also to enjoy spending time you. As you say you want a relationship not just an income into the bank.

And I do think that it is quite a change to a marriage/partnership if a spouse suddenly starts working away a lot when it wasn't previously on the cards. It is a tough one and its ok not be be fine with just being the default parent. And also if her DH is insistent on working away, even if the OP wasn't unwell it would be difficult for her to have a demanding career herself (if that is what she wanted) as she would still be the parent who has to be there for the kids, so really I think the DH is pushing it a bit. Also, he can take holidays form work, but holidays from kids is ahrder, and holidays form illness virtually impossible.

I think he needs to realise that if he wants weekends away sometimes then fine (if he is also taking responsibility at home), but he needs to arrange for someone to take his place rather than relying on you OP to just pick up the slack when you are already struggling.

It is extra challengin with illness, but you both need to be getting someting out of life, not just him calling the shots while you struggle, and I think he should be a bit more concerned for your welfare .

coffee if someone is chronically and quite seriously unwell as the OP describes, then a cleaner once a week just is not enough, especially with young children and the mess, making food, spending time with them. I would imagine that she needs at least 3 hours a day to cover the most difficult tasks and stay on top of things.

We have illness/ disability and it really isn't just a case of being at home as if you were on holiday - it actually stops you doing all manner of normal things and can mean you get no enjoyment or relief from even watching TV or just lying down. Expecially if you are falling behind. Its incredble how much time is lost just being unwell and that can be very stressful and depressing in itself.

Luna I think it is a great idea to extend the childcare hours so that you have a bit more time to get out and about more and see people. A routine (with some flexibilty for bad days) does help and if you are like us then all takes just take much longer than usual so you will need more time to fit things in gently, and spread over a few days.

Well done for surviving and getting through the tough times

Thank you for the kind messages I appreciate the support. I’ve realised I have been bitter especially in my op. I suppose I resent him for going out and enjoying himself when I’m struggling so much. But it isn’t fair for him to be miserable just because I am.
I haven’t said much about my health because I’m afraid is quite outing.
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re both in the wrong. I can’t begrudge him some fun, he works hard and life in this house is hardly a barrel of laughs. But I also feel he should have compromised and perhaps been home today and just gone for dinner tonight and out tomorrow. That would have been a huge help to me and only a few hours difference to him.
I’m glad I posted on here I don’t feel angry any more I feel quite hopeful that things can improve if I make some changes.

Could you afford to get your cleaner round a couple of times a week? That way, she could do some of the laundry and tidying up.

Another thing, you say your children have takeaways most nights as you can't stand for long. Have you tried getting a chair to sit on in the kitchen, and buying ready prepped veg? It's not good for your children's health to live on takeaways. Stick to simple foods that you don't have to stand at the cooker stirring. Try traybakes, like bunging some chicken thighs in a roasting tray, with some new potatoes, and a Mediterranean roasting vegetables mix, sprinkle with some oil and herbs, and chuck in the oven. Minimal preparation time, but much healthier than a takeaway. There are loads of recipes for traybakes online to give you inspiration. Also, get a slowcooker if you haven't got one. No need to sear the meat, just chuck it in, with some veg and a little stock. Aldi even do a pork casserole mix with the meat and veg that you just have to open and put in the pot to cook.
Supermarket ready made mash in the chiller cabinets is good.

In the summer, you can replace veg with salad. Pop a quiche, or some meat like chops or chicken thighs/drumsticks in the oven, open a bag of salad and add some cherry tomatoes, nuke some prepared potatoes, and you're done.

My dd has a disability that means food prep and cooking takes it out of her. Things that help her are a perching stool in the kitchen. Bags of pre prepared veg and salad. Lightweight pans and baking trays and lots of one pot/one tray meals. She buys portions of meat rather than joints because she struggles with the weight and she needs to not have to keep checking on food. Sometimes she buys ready meals for when she just can't manage and she regularly uses paper plates and disposable trays to cut down on washing up. She eats pretty well considering her restrictions tbh but she has to probably plan more than most.

I think YABU. You've known about this outing for a few weeks. You're ill all the time- is he just supposed to never have any time for himself. You sound quite selfish tbh...