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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to just leave him?

62 replies

lunalove · 28/04/2018 10:57

I have very poor health - mentally and physically and need a lot of help from my family to keep on top of things. My husband works away during the week but is usually home at weekends.
A few weeks ago when I was very ill he made plans to spend the weekend with a friend - someone he knew for a summer abroad years ago and hadn’t seen since. The friend is visiting this weekend. I told my husband at the time I didn’t think it was fair for him to be gone all week and then spent two full days including the evening with his friend and leave me alone with the kids again. We never resolved it and now he’s off out despite me telling him I’m unhappy but he refuses to compromise or change his plans
Would I be unfair to pack a bag and go to my parents? I’m so angry and hurt and feel totally alone. What’s the point of being married if you don’t have a partner?

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 12:07

If he normally works all weekend, it's not surprising he wants a complete break away from it all. Would his salary pay for a cleaner to help with the housework, or some childcare to give you a break during the week?

Have you talked about why he needs to work all weekend?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2018 12:07

Has he bothered to spend anytime with his children in the last fortnight?

Agree with pp about getting in a cleaner etc

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 12:14

I am chronically ill. It took my dh years to fully understand that I wasn’t getting better. He is home every evening and is satisfied not to progress in his career as this would mean travelling and leaving me to deal with the home and dd, which is hard. I otoh do not have family locally to help me out. So what i do I do alone.

Firstly, you need to get yourself some outside help.

  1. Housework. You say your dh earns well, pay a cleaner. Pay them to change the beds as well.
  2. Send your children to nursery part time.
  3. Use your now free time to a) relax and b) get some counselling/therapy.

Your post sounds like a post I made a few years ago, where I was ripped to shreds by some posters. I have ME and was told the same sort of things as you are here. Mine was asking for advice as dh and I had been arguing for about 3 weeks because dh was failing to grasp how ill I was / am.

I have since learnt from posters on mumsnet that I am disabled. I expect you may be too. Have a read up on what disability is and if you fit the description, talk about yourself in this way, you’ll get more sympathetic responses. Another mum at school, who has similar symptoms to me has even spurned me on to apply for a disabled badge. I digress.

As for your dh, he is entitled to a break. Mine goes away every now and then with friends. However, he does need to look for a job, where he can help out too and be there every evening even if it does mean taking a pay cut.

GirlsBlouse17 · 28/04/2018 12:16

It sounds like you could both do with a break. It must be hard if DH is working away during the week. As he isn't doing this all the time, I think you should give him your blessing with a smile to have his weekend away, as hard as that may be. Sounds like he needs this release and it may help him recharge his batteries and gain a new energy. If you make him feel bad about going or stop him from going, he will resent you. Don't leave him though. He doesn't sound like a bad bloke. However, when he is back home , you should both do something relaxing, have a weekend break somewhere together. Or you have a weekend away visiting friends or family and he can do a bit of housework and look after the kids. I don't know what your illness is OP but I hope you recover soon. If it is chronic, the reality is it can get on top of you and put a strain on relationships over time when there is work, kids, housework to maintain. I think allow your husband this break as it will do him some good which will in turn do you some good.

Olympiathequeen · 28/04/2018 12:16

Great idea for you to get a cleaner In to help out. Sadly I think you are letting your illness and depression cloud the fact that he also needs a break from a stressful job and a wife who needs a lot of care. He is giving you a break every weekend so maybe he needs one too? It’s not a normal relationship by any means so I think you need to consider his mental well-being too and be happy he is having a break too.

QuiteLikely5 · 28/04/2018 12:17

I do think you have a point however how and why was it agreed that he should work away? Is this permanent?

What type of role requires you to work all day and night?

Can’t yiy move to his work location?

Also I imagine it is very hard for him to cope with the fact you are chronically ill and the long term impact that can have on a relationship

Having been in a similar situation I also cling onto Fridays so I could get a much needed break from the kids!

However if he only does this once in a blue moon it’s hardly unreasonable but that only stands if he is for the most part great and supportive

lunalove · 28/04/2018 12:24

I wouldn’t say he’s my carer. For one thing we only see him 2-3 days a week. And my illness just means I cant do a lot physically and need to rest in the afternoon. Mentally I get depression (from being ill really) and lots of panic attack’s. So it’s less taking care of me and more taking care of everything else so I can have a break.
If I moved to my parents house it would actually be easier id have someone to cover for me everyday and I wouldn’t be on my own all the time.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 28/04/2018 12:25

How far away do your parents live? Moving in with them sounds a bit drastic.

lunalove · 28/04/2018 12:26

He had a local job but wanted to open a business which involves travelling to clients. I was reluctant to agree to it but knew how important his career is to him so agreed on the condition that when he is home he’s expected to be present. Which has often not been the case.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2018 12:26

Can you get some paid help?

jedenfalls · 28/04/2018 12:37

Sounds like I’m wrong then.

Now THAT sounds like the depression talking. You aren’t wrong. Your feelings are your feelings. MH Issues make Everything feel very black and white. I’m wrong he’s right. Life isn’t like that. Evething is nuanced.

I’ve been in your DH situation. A DH with chronic ill health And im working to finance the family 100%. It IS stressful, I got myself trapped in a workaholic tizz by trying to provide.

Not saying he is right. Just that is how he might see it. My DH felt unsupported emotionally I felt unsupported financially. There is no right answer.

We have a partial solution, I stepped back a t work, he stepped up a little financially by finding something he could do from home. Not ideal,

ReanimatedSGB · 28/04/2018 12:42

Have you had a diagnosis, and a treatment plan for your illness, OP? I know there are some things, like fibro and CFS, that can be tricky to diagnose, but if your symptoms are similar and your GP not much cop, there are online communities where you can get support and advice.

Also, as PP have said, it sounds like you have enough cash in the family pot to hire a cleaner and perhaps some childcare as well.

If you have a longterm condition, you will need to get some sort of paid support structure in place. It's not fair or reasonable to expect your H and your family to run round after you all the time, indefinitely. While it's understandable that someone who is in chronic pain can feel angry and sad and frustrated, it's important not to let this turn into full-time needy, whiny, self-obsessed behaviour, as this leads to friends and family members becoming more and more resentful and reluctant to have anything to do with you.

And there certainly are some people whose 'illnesses' are self-diagnosed, and who use their alleged ill health to be the centre of attention at all times, because they are basically lazy whinyarses too 'frail' for this wicked world, etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 13:00

You haven’t addressed the comments about childcare, paid cleaning or therapy. Do you think these would be a good thing?

missadasmith · 28/04/2018 13:15

OP, sorry you are feeling so unwell.

Do you get any help support at present during the week? therapy, cleaner, childcare, family, moral support etc? or are you all on your own with everything and no help whatsoever (which it sounds like)? In that case I am totally with you.

Deedee0208 · 28/04/2018 14:21

I totally understand how you feel, I've got disability's and really struggle just to get up and do school run, sometimes hubby is understanding and other times he does his hobbies all weekend with not a thought to how I will cope, youngest is asd and it can be physically and mentally really hard, most days I order takeaway for kids has haven't got the strength to even cook, don't really have any answers but have told hubby to leave on lots of times as he only thinks about himself, hope things improve for you x

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 14:50

MummyOfLittleDragon -

Firstly, you need to get yourself some outside help.

1) Housework. You say your dh earns well, pay a cleaner. Pay them to change the beds as well.
2) Send your children to nursery part time.
3) Use your now free time to a) relax and b) get some counselling/therapy.

Fair enough but then you go on to say...

However, he does need to look for a job, where he can help out too and be there every evening even if it does mean taking a pay cut.

All the things you list cost money. How can the OP do all that if her husband is to take a pay cut?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 15:14

Worra
At 11.56 op said her dh earns “way more than two salaries”.

When her children go to school, she won’t need childcare. At 3, they get free hours. Perhaps I’m reading it wrong. But I don’t think ops family are cash poor. Her dh sounds like a workaholic. Perhaps every evening will be too much of a tall order. But if op sits and asks for nothing, she will get nothing.

CocoaGin · 28/04/2018 15:27

You do sound a little self absorbed OP, being brutally honest. He also sounds like a man that needs a break.

Perhaps you could both talk it through when the dust has settled and work some ways where you both get some downtime and family time.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 15:31

True, Mummy. They probably need to sit down and price it up etc.

RomeoBunny · 28/04/2018 16:06

"I was reluctant to agree to it but knew how important his career is to him so agreed on the condition that when he is home he’s expected to be present."

Christ.

Reverse that as a man saying that and you have a controlling arse.

You're being controlling OP and frankly you need to help yourself a little more I think. If you're suffering chronically then it's down to you to get help and fix it so you can deal with things better.

A partnership swings both ways. He is not your carer. He is entitled to time off and time away just like you are.

saison4 · 28/04/2018 16:21

OP is avoiding all question as to whether she has a cleaner, other help and paid childcare. I think we can safely assume that someone other than OP is doing the cleaning and that the DC are in childcare.

You sound very anxious but also extremely controlling. Is there a possibility that DH though a role away from home to escape the situation somehow?

gingerh4ir · 28/04/2018 16:35

I was reluctant to agree to it but knew how important his career is to him so agreed on the condition that when he is home he’s expected to be present.

I think there are two issues here:
you are clearly not well and need help on a day to day basis when the DH is away. Totally understandable that you are upset and you yanbu.

however, you also come across as very bitter and controlling. I don't think both issues are necessarily connected but it sounds as if you try to use your condition to exercise control over your DH which is not ok.

I hope you find a way forward and that you can sort some good support for yourself.

LannieDuck · 28/04/2018 16:56

I disagree with the majority here, I think. YANBU.

Yes, he works away all week, but you also work all week (looking after pre-school children 24/5 by yourself with a chronic illness).
Yes, he needs a break at the weekend.... but so do you.

You say you'd be happy for him to have one day away at the weekend with his friend if he was around for the other day. That sounds very reasonable to me, and he's being unreasonable for ignoring your needs.

Can I ask how he would respond if you were to book yourself a weekend away next weekend?

I agree with those suggesting you get a cleaner. And do the kids go to nursery at all? That would be another way to give you a bit of a break.

LannieDuck · 28/04/2018 17:00

*"I was reluctant to agree to it but knew how important his career is to him so agreed on the condition that when he is home he’s expected to be present."

Christ. Reverse that as a man saying that and you have a controlling arse.*

I didn't read it that way. I read it as saying that OP's OH wanted to take his career in a direction that would mean he'd be away from home a lot more, and by extension, would push a lot more of the childcare onto OP.

She agreed, as long as he promised to actually do his share of the childcare when he wasn't working. I don't think that's unreasonable?

saison4 · 28/04/2018 17:02

it's parenting, not childcare FFS!