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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell people who comment on my appearance to fuck right off?

27 replies

Letspretenditneverhappened · 27/04/2018 00:35

Why is it that some people think it’s perfectly acceptable to comment on how “tired around the eyes” I’m looking when the only potential cure for this is surgery?? I’m 37 and I don’t fancy cutting my face up thanks, would they say to someone that their nose is looking really big??

Yes I’m pregnant, massively hormonal and in a filthy mood but this really pisses me off!

If you tell people they look “tired around the eyes can you tell me why you think this isn’t massively insulting?

OP posts:
curiouserand · 27/04/2018 00:38

It is.

But take heart, once you're a few years older, you will be invisible, and no-one will comment on your appearance at all.

It's kind of freeing, actually.

Puffycat · 27/04/2018 00:39

Have you tried Rox eye cream?
Not joking, you can get up in the morning looking like total arse, pop it on, and fuck me! No need for make up!

Puffycat · 27/04/2018 00:41

Sorry, meant to add, yes it’s totally insulting.
Seriously tho, get on amazon and look at Rox miracle eyes

Original poster
Letspretenditneverhappened · 27/04/2018 00:50

Thank you. I do feel invisible most of the time and you’re right it is freeing, I used to be so self conscious when I was younger in a way it’s easier now. I just don’t get why people are so negative and why they need to say these things - it’s not at all constructive or kind! And yet I know they weren’t meaning to be mean, so I can’t justify explaining to them that it’s not a polite thing to say!

Thanks Puffycat but I have huge hollows under my eyes, no makeup or cream is going to fix that.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 27/04/2018 00:55

Rude buggers. Get straight back at them. 😎

applesandpears56 · 27/04/2018 01:01

Of course yanbu

However do be aware puffy/baggy eyes can be a sign of kidney problems

yorkshireyummymummy · 27/04/2018 01:20

I think it’s how it’s said that matters.
I have often said to people that they are looking tired or asked them if they are ok because they are looking very tired but it’s only because I give a damn! I have no qualms about saying something like that - I think it’s kinder for people to know that someone is concerned!

I commented on a physical change I noticed once......it turned out that this ‘ change’ was a symptom of something very serious and nobody else had bothered to mention it in case they were thought rude, or because it was none of their business, didn’t want the person to get offended or angry etc........
It saved her life though. She was dying and didn’t know.
So no, I will carry on commenting . Ok, it’s going to be 1/100000 that saves a life but it often opens the door for someone to tell you about a problem or for them to think that they should get some more sleep etc. It gives the asker an opportunity to help the person if they are tired or have hurt themselves.
I think to just arbitrarily tell someone to ‘ fuck off’ because they mention you are looking tired is very rude and very extreme. Can’t you just say something a little more polite rather than being so rude.....I’m sure they are saying it with your best intentions at heart, it’s not like they are saying that your nose looks really big, or your eyes are too small or your clothes are bloody awful! It’s not a cruel thing they are saying is it!
Imagine a reverse..........I bumped into someone I know today, she’s pregnant and looked incredibly tired with big black rings round her eyes. I mentioned that she looked very tired round the eyes as I wondered if she was struggling with sickness or not being able to sleep. I was going to offer to do her ironing/now her lawn/ look after her kids on Saturday so she could catch up with sleep and she told me to fuck right off! I was so upset I came straight home. I have been having anxiety problems and I try to keep busy to fend off my anxiety but I just feel so miserable now. I like this person but she obviously doesn’t like me so I will try to avoid her. Can anybody tell me if I was BU??
.........people care. Tell them to fuck right off if you want. But couldn’t you just be a bit kinder?

highinthesky · 27/04/2018 01:38

Might this be a means of expressing genuine concern and not insult?

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 27/04/2018 01:52

yorkshire what about if the person is feeling totally fine but then you asking if they’re tired makes them feel shit?

People always say I look tired if I’m not wearing make up and it pisses me off, like unless I make an effort every day people will say I look shit.

You can express concern without commenting on people’s appearance.

Copperbonnet · 27/04/2018 01:57

People say you are looking tired mostly because they are concerned about you.

They aren’t commenting on your appearance really, they are asking if you are ok.

Given that you are pregnant, it’s nice that people are keeping an eye on you.

thebewilderness · 27/04/2018 02:00

"Would you like me to share my opinion on how you look, now that you have had a go at me?"

DoneDisappeared · 27/04/2018 02:01

Tbh there is a massive difference making an off hand negative comment about someone's looks and making a comment with an, "are you ok/I'm concerned/can I help?" Added to the end of it.

Original poster
Letspretenditneverhappened · 27/04/2018 02:02

yorkshireyummymummy

  • I haven’t actually told anyone to fuck off, I’ve been polite and just moved swiftly onto another subject. I don’t think anyone has said it to me to be malicious. And I agree that they probably think they are just trying to express concern and think that what they are saying is in some way being kind. However being told you look tired really isn’t helpful or constructive and it actually is not much different to saying you look a bit shit.

I’ve never told anyone they looked tired because I know how I feel when people say it to me. I also don’t say other negative things about people’s appearance unless someone was specifically asking for my opinion and genuinely wanted me to be honest.

There are other ways to express your concern without making a comment on your physical appearance. A lot of us look tired all the time and that’s becuase of the anatomy of the face and/or because of the way our face is changing as we get older. If you were normally someone who looked great “under the eyes” and then the next day looked “puffy” then yes they would probably be less insulted as they’d know it was a temporary state. Though I still don’t think it’s a constructive comment. But when someone has eye hollows that gradually get worse over the years isn’t this clear that’s just their face? In the same way they might have more wrinkles or drooping eyelids? Would you comment on them too? I would say it’s never nice to say something negative about someone’s appearance, no matter how well meaning you might think it is.

OP posts:
CartoonsAndVodka · 27/04/2018 02:03

I get this all the time - fellow hollow eye socket owner! I channel my best fake cheeriness and say 'no, not tired, I had a great sleep actually. It's just my face.' with a head tilt and MN-endorsed tinkly laugh.

Because they've just politely told me I look like shit, I politely put them in their place.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 27/04/2018 02:08

If you think someone looks tired, bring them a cup of tea and say ‘here’s a lovely cuppa, thought you might want one, let me know if I can help you at all’ or offer to help them out in some way.

‘You look tiiiiiired are you oooookkkkk?’ is not the way to express your concern.

Learn some manners.

Original poster
Letspretenditneverhappened · 27/04/2018 03:18

thebewilderness Ha! Yes I kind of wish I could say this to make it really clear!

CartoonsAndVodka Yes! I’ve said the same before - “it’s just my face” - but you would think this would stop the same person commenting again wouldn’t you? One of these people is the same person who sent me a sample of eye cream in my 33rd birthday card.. And has suggested I get my iron levels and then looked shocked when I told her they were perfectly fine.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/04/2018 03:35

This really annoys me. If someone is concerned about you they can just ask how you are and listen. There are plenty of ways to ask about someone's wellbeing without commenting negatively on their appearance.

I also find "you look tired" intrusive. Maybe I don't want to talk to you about my being tired due to breastfeeding, or an argument with DH keeping me awake, or worrying about something I want to keep private from you eg work, finances. It's quite a personal comment to make which might well have some significant emotional content behind it.

Op no idea how to handle this. I usually just ignore the question and change the subject. But I'd like to be more assertive and challenge them.

Yorkshire if I read that in aibu I'd say "you insult a tired person and are surprised when they are snappy back....?"

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 27/04/2018 03:36

Op your eye cream/ shock that you aren't anaemic friend doesn't sound very nice

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/04/2018 06:00

Rather than comment on someone’s appearance why not ask how they are and take it from there?

Yanbu op.

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 27/04/2018 06:21

Lets pretend - When you get to my age you definitely are invisible, don't worry about what people say, lifes too short. I use to moan about my fat legs until my Mother said, I met a man who had no legs, think yourself lucky, be grateful for what you have. Sermon over!! Hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

Teateaandmoretea · 27/04/2018 06:25

Why on earth would you have an operation? In some ways I think it's easier if you've never been that good looking. I've always been average and actually in my 40s still am.

So I think yabu because life isn't a beauty contest imo.

curiouserand · 27/04/2018 08:23

Oh, and congrats on the pregnancy!

Much more important than what your eyes look like!

kezzy13 · 27/04/2018 08:25

If you don't like the way I look don't fucking look at me

Aridane · 27/04/2018 08:29

I would just take it to be concern

EasterRobin · 27/04/2018 08:52

I wouldn't say that to anyone but you can swear at me anyway if you want to get some hormonal aggression out of your system.