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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a family surname

74 replies

Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:13

I have a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship he was very abusive to us both and has no contact with dd. She has my surname although her dads name is on birth certificate. Fast forward a few years I am pregnant with dps baby, he brought dd up since she was a baby and she calls him dad, we have had a huge argument as he doesn’t want to take my surname when we marry (same as dds) which to me would be easier, as in order to change dds surname I need ex partners consent which he wouldn’t give. I also do not wish to contact him ever again due to the abuse.

My issue is dp proposed to me and it’s obvious to me that if I took his name, as dd grows up she would feel left out, not part of the family, excluded, just because of a name. I don’t ever want her to feel any of those things which is why I asked dp if he would take my name when we marry. He is so adamant he won’t and is also upset because he wanted baby to have his surname.

I don’t want babies with different surnames, to me this would make them feel like they are not related, I think we should all have the same family name but he is refusing. I can give baby mine and dds surname but I can’t force dp to take me name. I just feel like it won’t feel like a family unit if he has a seperate name. AIBU?

OP posts:
ferntwist · 26/04/2018 21:15

I’m sure can use your partner’s surname for your DD without your ex’s permission. You don’t have to legally change it.

NapQueen · 26/04/2018 21:15

I think everyone should have a choice of whether to keep or change their name on marriage. Having different names does not make you less of a family / man&wife.

All you can do is choose whether dd1s name stays or changes. Whether yours stays or changes. You cant choose what dp does its his choice. Same as yours is yours.

Compromise on dc2 with double barrelled if you cant agree.

Bambamber · 26/04/2018 21:18

You can't force him to take your name, just as he can't force you to take his. It's difficult but I would rather my children had the same name rather than the same name as my husband. Growing up I was the only one in my family with my surname and all my siblings had the same name as both my parents. It did bother me

2cats2many · 26/04/2018 21:19

What about double barrelled? Would that work?

Boredofthisnow86 · 26/04/2018 21:19

Fun fact - You only need his permission if you do it by deedpoll. You don't legally need to do it by deedpoll. It is just a way of getting an official document.

Anyone can apply for their passport or whatever in whatever name they choose as long as the supporting documents are sent and signed.

I know someone who double barrelled their kids name on one passport application and then renewed it with the unwanted name removed. Also one way of doing it apparently.

saison4 · 26/04/2018 21:21

I think you are overthinking this. DH and DC's surname is different to mine and I have a few friends with similar set ups. Doesn't make us any less a family. but then, for me it's not very important.

Are you sure you need the permission of the ex to change DDs surname? As a compromise, go double barreled for yourself and DS?

NotSinisterAtAll · 26/04/2018 21:21

A child's legal name can easily be changed by Deed Poll providing everyone with parental responsibility for the child consents to the name change. Your ex has no contact or responsibility for your child therefore you can do this without his consent.

YowserLena · 26/04/2018 21:22

You give your new baby your surname. It's your partners choice if he wants the same surname as you, you and your DC.

YowserLena · 26/04/2018 21:23

One too many you's there sorry

TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 26/04/2018 21:25

Give the baby your name. He can decide whether to keep his own name or change to yours. It is a decision thousands of women have to make every day.

YowserLena · 26/04/2018 21:26

He is so adamant he won’t - Fine

and is also upset because he wanted baby to have his surname. - Not his choice.

drspouse · 26/04/2018 21:27

Yes, as PPs, baby has your surname, everyone knows you are a family and that your DP is being childish

Original poster
Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:28

I’m not meaning to sound selfish or insult anyone. It’s my personal preference to all have the same name to not leave anyone feeling isolated. My ex is on dd birth certificate so legally has parental responsibility and as far as I am aware everyone with pr needs to agree for dds surname to be changed

OP posts:
Skinnyboneylittlepony · 26/04/2018 21:28

NotSinisterAtAll

That’s not correct. He’s on the birth certificate (after 2003) therefore automatically has parental responsibility. He will need to give permission.

HOWEVER

In day to day life I can call myself Natalie King, the school register will say Natalie King, Swimming club= Natalie King, Only my bank statement, tenancy,insurance and passport etc. need to say ‘Natalie Smith’. Most people won’t even know that’s my name.

user1493413286 · 26/04/2018 21:30

You can either keep your surname and baby can have either name or informally change your DDs surname, mainly at school tell them to use the new one really and when she is 18 she can legally change it if she wants.

RandomMess · 26/04/2018 21:30

Apart from her passport and bank accounts she can use any name she wants and when she's 16 she can change it legally via deedpoll without ex's consent.

FizzyWizzyFlash · 26/04/2018 21:33

Could you all double barrel?

That way he gets to keep his name but takes on yours too?

RandomMess · 26/04/2018 21:35

Just double checked, can change via deedpoll approaching 16th Birthday.

Original poster
Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:35

Double barrelling wouldn’t help because dd would still have the issue of not being able to legally double barrel hers without exs consent, and she would still feel the odd one out

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:37

Dps argument is I should give baby his surname and take his surname because that’s how it’s meant to be done. Telling me it’s all about what I want but I am thinking of others, he seems to be thinking of himself only. He won’t be ‘a pussy’ and take his wife’s surname, he proposed to me so I should take his name, in my care about how dd will feel not him. Seriously I’ve never heard such selfish nonsense out of him

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 26/04/2018 21:38

I may be in a minority here but I think that DP should have a say in his child's surname. It shouldn't be a decision taken unilaterally by the OP.

TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 26/04/2018 21:38

As I said-all you are asking him to do is what many if not most women have to do.

Original poster
Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:38

‘All I care about’ sorry, not in my care

OP posts:
TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 26/04/2018 21:39

"I may be in a minority here but I think that DP should have a say in his child's surname. It shouldn't be a decision taken unilaterally by the OP."
Would you say the same about a woman in the same position?

PersianCatLady · 26/04/2018 21:39

NotSinister
The ex does have PR as he is on the birth certificate so changing the DD's name by deed poll is not possible until she is 16.

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