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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting a family surname

74 replies

Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:13

I have a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship he was very abusive to us both and has no contact with dd. She has my surname although her dads name is on birth certificate. Fast forward a few years I am pregnant with dps baby, he brought dd up since she was a baby and she calls him dad, we have had a huge argument as he doesn’t want to take my surname when we marry (same as dds) which to me would be easier, as in order to change dds surname I need ex partners consent which he wouldn’t give. I also do not wish to contact him ever again due to the abuse.

My issue is dp proposed to me and it’s obvious to me that if I took his name, as dd grows up she would feel left out, not part of the family, excluded, just because of a name. I don’t ever want her to feel any of those things which is why I asked dp if he would take my name when we marry. He is so adamant he won’t and is also upset because he wanted baby to have his surname.

I don’t want babies with different surnames, to me this would make them feel like they are not related, I think we should all have the same family name but he is refusing. I can give baby mine and dds surname but I can’t force dp to take me name. I just feel like it won’t feel like a family unit if he has a seperate name. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 26/04/2018 21:40

I think YABU to be so dismissive of his wish to keep his surname and for the baby to have it too.

I would double barrel, give the baby both your surnames.

LunaTrap · 26/04/2018 21:41

Keep your surname, keep your DD's surname as it is and give the new baby your surname too. At least then the 3 of you share a name. It is your partner's choice not to change his.

CadyHeron · 26/04/2018 21:41

I may be in a minority here but I think that DP should have a say in his child's surname. It shouldn't be a decision taken unilaterally by the OP.

I'm with you on this one. It needs to be a joint decision, it's both your child.

NapQueen · 26/04/2018 21:41

So you keep same as dd. Then she is not alone. Dc2 has both your and dps name.

RippleEffects · 26/04/2018 21:42

DS1and dS2 shared a surname with me. I changed their name when XH walked out. They were 1 and 3 and he said he didn't want the whole family thing so signed the name change deed. When (now) DH proposed I made it clear I would be keeping a common name with my DC and if I was to be the main carer any subsequent children would also have the same name. He decided, in his own time, to change to the common family name and we now have a DD.

LunaTrap · 26/04/2018 21:44

I wouldn't be having a different name to any of my kids or making my DD the odd one out for a man who says he would be a pussy to take a woman's name and tells you what name you should take too. He sounds awful.

NotSinisterAtAll · 26/04/2018 21:44

@Skinnyboneylittlepony & @Mamamallow would there be something legally that can be done if he doesn't have contact? Looking it up on the web it suggests that the term attempts to focus on the parent’s duties towards their child rather than the parent’s rights over their child. Just wondering as he isn't involved at all?

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 26/04/2018 21:45

Mamamallow. Are you reading the posts?
I don’t understand what your issue is

You= Jane Smith
DD= Sarah Smith
DP= Roger Jones
Baby = =?

You want dp to become Roger Smith. And baby will be Sam Smith. You’re all the Smiths.

But DP has said no.
You wanted to change DDs name but ex said no.

All that means is you can’t change her birth certificate, passport or bank account.

At School she can be Sarah Rogers, at Judo, Sarah Rogers, telling new neighbors ‘Sarah Rogers’. Only when you travel on a plane you will have to use her birth certificate name.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 26/04/2018 21:46

Bugger, I messed it up. Meant to write Jones.

TheSpottedZebra · 26/04/2018 21:47

You keep your name and double barrel the new baby's name.

So you -Jane Mallow and dd Ellie Mallow.
Partner John Smith.
Baby - Baby Smith Mallow

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 21:48

Can't you all double barrel? DH and I have, because when we have children it is important for me to all have one name, I realise it's not to others, it's my preference. If I took his name I would've essentially been fashington fashy my family call my fashy anyway. DH is liberal but even he was anti at first until I asked why having a previous gave him more rights than me and if changing your name isn't a big deal would he take mine? Suddenly double barreled wasn't an issue

Idontdowindows · 26/04/2018 21:48

Simply give the baby your name, keep your name and your partner can deal. He's an adult, he can deal with his feelings of being left out as an adult.

DameLillyTillicut · 26/04/2018 21:49

If DDs dad has no contact, he won't know if you call her something different. You could call her STBHs name and she could change it by deedpoll when she is old enough. I used two names understanding that when older I would use my chosen name. It really wasn't/isn't a big deal.

Although, He won’t be ‘a pussy’ and take his wife’s surname I'd be re-thinking marrying that attitude.

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 21:50

Penis not previous!!

Awrite · 26/04/2018 21:51

I would be careful with all this 'informally you can change your child's name' crap. Schools in Scotland certainly don't allow this. It's really tightened up in recent years.

Yes, op - your point is valid. You are thinking of others, he only of his fragile masculinity.

Not sure what the answer is but please do keep putting your dd before your dp.

Thorsbitontheside · 26/04/2018 21:52

I'd be more worried that I'd had a baby with a neanderthal...

Gemini69 · 26/04/2018 21:53

Keep your surname, keep your DD's surname as it is and give the new baby your surname too. At least then the 3 of you share a name. It is your partner's choice not to change his

This Flowers

GorgonLondon · 26/04/2018 21:54

"He won’t be ‘a pussy’ and take his wife’s surname, he proposed to me so I should take his name*

I wouldn't marry a man who said that.

Sorry op that you find yourself in this situation.

Do not be pressured into changing yours or your daughter's name.

AutoFilled · 26/04/2018 21:56

It’s fine for him to not take your name, it is his choice. But he should not dictate you to take his name. In your shoes I would stick with the sa,e surname as your DD, or she will be the only one out in the family. Since the baby is both of yours, and he doesn’t want it to be in your name only, then how about double barrel?

MaisyPops · 26/04/2018 21:57

You can use whatever surname you like informally but schools will not change the register unless their legal name has changed.

I had some students a few years back who had dad's last name but wanted to go by mum's name. They went by mum's name day to day (e.g. on exercise books, reward certificates) but the register, all their important forms, exam certificates etc had to be in their legal name.

Catinthecorner · 26/04/2018 21:57

Traditionally babies to unmarried women are given their mother’s surname. You are being traditional.

When (if) you marry you can all have the conversation again.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 26/04/2018 21:59

He won’t be ‘a pussy’ and take his wife’s surname, he proposed to me so I should take his name

I'd have dumped him not accepted a marriage proposal after that. What a catch Hmm

He doesn't get to dictate to you and obviously can't care that much for your DD or he would have changed names to keep her from feeling left out.

OakIsBetterTho · 26/04/2018 22:00

I would personally go for keeping your name the same, keeping your daughters name the same and double barrelling the babies name. What your DP chooses to call himself is up to him.

I'd never marry a man with his attitude tho

BrendasUmbrella · 26/04/2018 22:03

I have my DSFs name. I'm sure my bio Dad would have agreed but they didn't ask him. It wasn't changed by deed poll, they just literally started calling me by that name. I'm in my late 40s now and have never had a problem with the fact that it wasn't changed legally.

MyNameIsTotoro · 26/04/2018 22:08

Aside from your DP sounding like a tosser for saying he won't be pussied into taking his wife's name...

I would double barrell the baby's name, with your name as the first one. Then double barrel yours on marriage if you want to. That way you're:

DD: Jane Smith
You: Mary Smith-jones
DP: knobhead Jones
Baby: baby Smith-Jones

DP would get brownie points for taking on Smith-Jones as imo that would be entirely appropriate