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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting a family surname

74 replies

Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 21:13

I have a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship he was very abusive to us both and has no contact with dd. She has my surname although her dads name is on birth certificate. Fast forward a few years I am pregnant with dps baby, he brought dd up since she was a baby and she calls him dad, we have had a huge argument as he doesn’t want to take my surname when we marry (same as dds) which to me would be easier, as in order to change dds surname I need ex partners consent which he wouldn’t give. I also do not wish to contact him ever again due to the abuse.

My issue is dp proposed to me and it’s obvious to me that if I took his name, as dd grows up she would feel left out, not part of the family, excluded, just because of a name. I don’t ever want her to feel any of those things which is why I asked dp if he would take my name when we marry. He is so adamant he won’t and is also upset because he wanted baby to have his surname.

I don’t want babies with different surnames, to me this would make them feel like they are not related, I think we should all have the same family name but he is refusing. I can give baby mine and dds surname but I can’t force dp to take me name. I just feel like it won’t feel like a family unit if he has a seperate name. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamamallow · 26/04/2018 22:10

I am concerned about the comments dp has made. I have never heard him speak like that before, and I seem to have hit a nerve somehow by asking him if he would take my name. This has helped me decide to keep my own surname, give baby my surname, and leave dds surname as it is. I am not 100% sure I even want to marry him still after this conversation, it has made me feel like dds feelings are not a priority to him. My dc will always come first

OP posts:

bigbird50 · 26/04/2018 22:11

I had a similar situation to you when I met my OH when my youngest was 4, who had my surname. He was born before 2003 and I had been to court in relation to my ex and he got NC or parental responsibility during that process. Three DC later my OH and all 4 of my DC have the same surname. I am the only one that is different. We are not married and I didn't want my DC to have a different surname so I changed it via Deed Poll and they all have there DF name. Obviously your not in a position to do that but as others have said there is nothing to stop you using a different surname at school. I think your OH is having a hard time on this thread, this man has taken on another mans child and treated them as his own. Then he is asked to take on there partners surname to prevent any undue distress to the DD he took on. Ofcourse he will want his DC to have his name or double barreled with yours. Wonder how many on here are married and have got there DH to drop there own surnames and take on there names. I bet you it is 'nil',

MacaroniPenguin · 26/04/2018 22:13

You and DD keeping yours, him keeping his and the baby double barrelling seems the most obvious answer. If you keep your name then there is no reason for DD to feel left out. OK you won't all have the same surname exactly but the children will be connected to you and each other.

I would love blokes to change their names as a matter of course, and it's sexist nonsense to expect us to change ours because we don't have willies. But equally it would be uber hypocritical of me to expect DH to change his name, when I don't want to change mine. The compromise surely has to be you both keep yours and you're the Smith-Jones family. It's pretty common these days and will become massively more so in the next couple of decades, I expect. I like the idea of you keeping your name to help your DD's name stay connected, but I think she will be totally fine being Maggie Smith, daughter of Marge Smith and sister of Bart Smith-Jones.

BewareOfDragons · 26/04/2018 22:13

I think you should think long and hard about marrying anyone who said they wouldn't be 'a pussy' and take their wife's name.

A pussy. Really?! Misogynistic bullshit that is. Is that what he's going to say to any future sons if they cry? Get beaten by a girl at something? Will any future daughters be allowed to be anything but 'nice' and 'compliant'?

Your name is equally as important as his.

Your daughter's feelings are very, very important.

He should be completely open to making sure everyone is happy, not just himself.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/04/2018 22:13

I would give my baby the same name as myself and her sister. You don't have to take your husbands name, if you marry.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 26/04/2018 22:13

Sound like you picked a real prince there.

harrypotternerd · 26/04/2018 22:14

I am in Australia so I am not sure if there is similar laws in UK or not. I am actually going to court in a month because DCs father has not had any contact with them in years and I am getting married next year. My kids call my fiancee dad and both of them (10 and 11) have expressed a wish consistently for months now to change their names to fiancee's surname when we get married. I spoke to a lawyer and to my kids psychologist about it and they said it can be done through the courts. Psychologist is giving me a letter of support saying it would be better for the kids as having the same surname will give them a better sense of belonging in the family (I am not saying kids who have different surnames to a parent feel they don't belong, it is more in my kids case and they have expressed anger that they have their fathers surname because they do not see him)

LaurelHolly · 26/04/2018 22:16

Urgh...'a pussy'? For changing his name? Evidently he thinks changing surname is the job of a 'pussy'. Something he does not want to be but expects you to be.

I appreciate all the historical baggage and societal expectations about name changing but nowadays people really need to consider options beyond tradition and be flexible and inventive.

mydietstartsmonday · 26/04/2018 22:19

I think you are being a little unfair, he doesn’t want to give up his surname. If you as a woman said you don’t want to give up your surname and someone was forcing you we would all say leave him.
I honk there needs to be compromise all round.

mydietstartsmonday · 26/04/2018 22:19

I don’t honk, I think......but then again

MyNameIsTotoro · 26/04/2018 22:21

Good for you Mama, I'd be reconsidering too

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 26/04/2018 22:23

Not sure either of you have the right to expect the other to change names, but only one of you is making pussy comments.

Cuppaoftea · 26/04/2018 22:31

Continuing the family name is important to many people, that doesn't make your DP an awful person.

You can keep your name link with your DD but really ought to consider your partner's feelings where the baby is concerned. Are you now suggesting you're not going to register the baby with him if he won't agree with you? Really think about what you're saying.

I'm sure he loves your DD and she him. For what it's worth I gave my eldest DC her bio Father's name at birth, we weren't married before we split and she has always had a different surname to me. When I married DH I took his name and we have given our three DC together our married name. My eldest now in her mid teens has chosen to keep her bio Father's name though she has no contact with him now as she sees it as her name, the one her friends know her by etc. Her having a different surname has never made her any less my daughter, she herself has never felt she isn't part of the family. My girls may well all end up with different surnames when grown up if they take their husband's name on marriage anyway.

You're overthinking this.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 26/04/2018 22:31

*I think you should think long and hard about marrying anyone who said they wouldn't be 'a pussy' and take their wife's name.

Your name is equally as important as his.

Your daughter's feelings are very, very important.

He should be completely open to making sure everyone is happy, not just himself.*

I completely agree with this.
His "pussy" comment is completely unnecessary and says something about his views of men and women.

I'd give baby my surname, so three of you have the same surname. He can chose what he does next.

Gingerninj · 26/04/2018 22:36

I understand where you're coming from. DD has her dad's surname. I met DH when she was about 5. We had two children together who both have his surname and we got married last year. She said a few months ago she would like to have DH's surname since he's been her father figure for years now. Her dad didn't give consent for it so I can't seem to find a way to do this.

LemonysSnicket · 26/04/2018 22:41

I do think it’s unfair as clearly he’s fine with women changing their names.

fannyanddick · 26/04/2018 23:04

I think the best answer from the thread is:
Double barrell your names.
Change dd's name in day to day usage.
She can fully legally change it when she is 16.

TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 26/04/2018 23:22

OP-I think you really need th think about your future with this man. I suspect that his attitude here is just the tip of the iceberg.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/04/2018 23:27

@Mamamallow, you're a great Mum, your little girl is very lucky to have you. ⭐️

Birdshitbridgegotme · 26/04/2018 23:34

As someone with a different 'family ' surname than my sister it didn't make any difference to me.

LouiseHardys · 27/04/2018 21:04

Dps argument is I should give baby his surname and take his surname because that’s how it’s meant to be done. Telling me it’s all about what I want but I am thinking of others, he seems to be thinking of himself only. He won’t be ‘a pussy’ and take his wife’s surname, he proposed to me so I should take his name, in my care about how dd will feel not him.

He sounds like a right wanker. I would rethink marrying this tool if I were you.

Gemini69 · 27/04/2018 21:44

Dps argument is I should give baby his surname and take his surname because that’s how it’s meant to be done

if he's a real traditionalist... you'd be married already OP... he's talking out his arse.. for his own benefit obviously

outofmydepth45 · 27/04/2018 22:00

Could you explore your DP adopting DD, if her father is NC you may as well explore the option. DD could change her name as part of the process?

LouiseHardys · 28/04/2018 15:23

I think (hope) the OP is reconsidering marrying this guy so I would imagine adopting her DD would be out of the question. She has one DD with a previous partner, thankfully DD has her name, she's about to have another child with this guy and given how he has behaved, his attitude and the things he's said, she's not going to be with him long term so it makes sense for both her children to have her name.

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