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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not reply....

64 replies

jomialola · 26/04/2018 11:57

First post so please bear with me... and its a bit of a long story ! My MIL left my husband when he was 18 months old and went to live in New Zealand with another man. There was no contact between them for 20yrs or so and then his cousin got in contact and we all started talking. She came over here and tried to explain her reasons for leaving and then we visited her. My husband then decided he couldnt forgive her but I kept in contact with her mainly for the sake of our children. I then received an email from her last week saying she has made a pact with herself that she is through doing things for other people and she is now acknowledging defeat and withdrawing from it all. We can still see what each other are doing via facebook but it is now time for her to move on. So......I'm stuck between writing back to her saying what about my kids and being cross or just not replying at all....Please be kind

OP posts:

GreenEyedGoose · 26/04/2018 12:00

This woman has shown that she is not very nice. She left her 18 month old child for 20 years and now can't accept that your dh may not want to have much to do with her.

Quite frankly it is doing your dc a favour not having someone like them in her life.

I'd reply along the lines of 'history repeating itself then' and silently tell her to fuck right off.

TheStoic · 26/04/2018 12:00

“OK. Good luck, and all the best.”

Trinity66 · 26/04/2018 12:02

Oh wow what a horrible woman she is, clearly hasn't changed at all since your DH was a child. The best thing to do would be ignore the email I guess but I'm not sure I'd be able to resist replying!

DidNotThinkItWouldHappenHere · 26/04/2018 12:03

Doesn't sound like she's done much for your husband in the intervening 20 years!

I guess some people can rewrite history so they don't come out of it badly.

You, your husband and your children are better off without her imo.

Trinity66 · 26/04/2018 12:03

I'd reply along the lines of 'history repeating itself then' and silently tell her to fuck right off.

Oh yes, send this ^^

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/04/2018 12:05

I think I’d reply with “what do you think I should tell your grandchildren is the reason that you don’t want to be in touch?”. She sounds very selfish though.

bobstersmum · 26/04/2018 12:06

I would honestly say good riddance! What a horrible person, is she mentally unwell do you think? Bizarre behaviour from start to finish.

Bexter801 · 26/04/2018 12:09

Wow,she doesn't half sound self centred,I wouldn't entertain it...reply cool best of luck

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/04/2018 12:12

Byeeeeeee!

Seriously. I’d block and ignore her. What a heartless woman. Poor dh. Hope he’s ok

Joanna57 · 26/04/2018 12:14

Methinks there is far far more to the MIL's story than just leaving with another man.

Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?

mavismcruet · 26/04/2018 12:14

Wow what a cruel woman. If it were me I’d have to reply letting her know how awful she is.

Definitely something along the lines of history repeating itself and you protecting your kids from her rejection. I’d also tell her you are blocking her on Facebook and not to make contact with you again.

Possibly the most sensible thing to do would be ignore and block, rather than retaliate. I’d wouldn’t be able to do that though, I’d have to say my piece.

Sorry op, she sounds really shitty

TheViceOfReason · 26/04/2018 12:21

"Funny how history repeats itself. THIS behaviour is why DH couldn't forgive you. How very sad that having contact with your own grandchildren isn't considered good enough and "not for yourself". Well, it's you that loses out ultimately. I will be blocking you on FB immediately and do not contact us again - i will always put my kids first and will not allow them to be available when it suits you."

Lonesurvivor · 26/04/2018 12:23

Delete her from Facebook, she doesn't deserve to see what any of you are up to or be any part of your lives.

AornisHades · 26/04/2018 12:23

Have your dc got any kind of relationship with her?
If not then I'd be inclined to send a last message saying you're going to respect that choice but she is never to contact the dc. If they do then it's more complicated.

Littlechocola · 26/04/2018 12:24

I wouldn’t reply. I also wouldn’t want her to be able to watch mine and the dc life from afar (social media). She’s either in it or she’s not.

ittakes2 · 26/04/2018 12:32

I think sending her a message about history repeating itself or leopard not changing its spots and deleting her from Facebook seems a like a good idea! Once is a mistake, twice is a character flaw your kids don't need to witness!

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 12:35

Wow you should have listened to your DH.

'I wasn't aware you had ever done much for other people anyway to be honest, your track record is pretty appalling! But yep probably for the best - your grandkids won't hear your name any more, don't worry. Best of luck with living selfishly - it'll suit you down to the ground. Bye!'

QueenofSerene · 26/04/2018 12:35

What a horrible woman, I’d cut your losses, your DH did fine without her for 20yrs so surely this is no big loss. My mums family split up when she was a child and all her siblings got split off to other families in the foster system and they’ve gradually found us children via Facebook but to her they’re strangers and she doesn’t want them in her life.

HappyFeet1212 · 26/04/2018 12:35

It depends really on lots of factors

What were her reasons for leaving
What was she like when you met her
Did you like her

It's easy to judge & be harsh, but talking to her, maybe through skype is the best way to move this forward.

Maybe she always hoped that your DH would forgive her & is grieving at his decision.
Maybe it would help her to know that you value her as a grandmother & so do your children. Maybe she needs to hear that even if she can't have a relationship with your DH, there is the hope that she can have a relationship with your children & so something good can come out of this.

Just be honest & nice. There's no need to be angry, that won't help anyone.

Rafflesway · 26/04/2018 12:36

Exactly what lonesurvivor says!

Your DC do not need this woman in their lives and your DH most certainly doesn't. speaking from experience 😡

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/04/2018 12:36

Joanna57 "Methinks there is far far more to the MIL's story than just leaving with another man. Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?"

That's right, Joanna. It must be a man's fault.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 12:40

I like the “History repeating itself.”

I’d want to add. “I see you still haven’t grasped that children have feelings.”

And delete from Facebook.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 12:41

Cross post. I’ve just read Happyfeets comment. Yes, perhaps you should try this first.

Oldraver · 26/04/2018 12:42

If she was happy to fuck off half way round the world and abandon and 18 months old (who does that ?)...Then I wouldn't hold out much hope for her wanting a relationship with her grandkids..

I think the 'through doing things for other people' is crock of shit as well

SilverDoe · 26/04/2018 12:42

I like TheViceOfReason's reply. I'm sorry your DH is going through this; that must be very hard :(

Jesus, to say after all that time that she "is through with doing things for other people" is truly horrible given the context and just shows her character; you'd have hoped that she may have grown up or realised the error of her ways after 20 years.

Obviously I'm sure it's very hurtful (even though she's massively in the wrong and doesn't deserve to expect any different) that she wasn't able to reconcile with her son, but that doesn't excuse her behaviour. Do you mind me asking how many years it has been since she first got in contact? And what were her proposed reasons for leaving her small child without a mother? I understand that some circumstances are bad and nothing is black and white so I'm curious about what her motives were there.

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