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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not reply....

64 replies

jomialola · 26/04/2018 11:57

First post so please bear with me... and its a bit of a long story ! My MIL left my husband when he was 18 months old and went to live in New Zealand with another man. There was no contact between them for 20yrs or so and then his cousin got in contact and we all started talking. She came over here and tried to explain her reasons for leaving and then we visited her. My husband then decided he couldnt forgive her but I kept in contact with her mainly for the sake of our children. I then received an email from her last week saying she has made a pact with herself that she is through doing things for other people and she is now acknowledging defeat and withdrawing from it all. We can still see what each other are doing via facebook but it is now time for her to move on. So......I'm stuck between writing back to her saying what about my kids and being cross or just not replying at all....Please be kind

OP posts:

notanurse2017 · 26/04/2018 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoundaboutSnail · 26/04/2018 12:45

Delete and don't contact.

Redglitter · 26/04/2018 12:46

Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world

Couldn't possibly just be that she was bloody selfish and thought of herself before her child. No she must have been driven to it

londonista · 26/04/2018 12:46

Bobster I think you're right. She sounds likes she's got a lot of issues and if you don't want to show any understanding (which is completely your call as it's you and your family going through it and you'd be well within your rights to not) then you'd be best to not reply and just unfollow from FB (so you can't see her posts). I'd not block her though, seems a bit harsh to not let her see pics of her grandkids.

My view, as someone completely uninvolved who has a really broken, difficult set of parents-in-laws, is that we could all do with showing a bit of understanding. Not forgiveness necessarily, but just a bit of empathy every now and again. My husband is like yours and can't be close to his parents, but I personally try to rise above it all and try to understand what's brought my in-laws to this place. It's easy for me because my own parents are brilliant and I can only imagine the horrors that my PILs have experienced that have made them who they are (WW2 refugees).

There are an awful lot of damaged people out there. Your MIL sounds like one of them, I'm afraid, and I'm sorry. So difficult!

mimibunz · 26/04/2018 12:51

It’s one thing for an adult to show empathy, but children are innocent and shouldn’t be exposed to a grandmother who is known to be toxic.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/04/2018 12:52

seems a bit harsh to not let her see pics of her grandkids

Why?

Joanna57 · 26/04/2018 12:53

insomniac redglitter

Do you both think so?

Blimey.

That is really good of you to answer for the OP.

tellitlikeitispls · 26/04/2018 12:54

Leave it. Seriously. She made her choice the first time and now she has made it again. With all due respect, this is about your DH, not you, and you shouldn't be in communication with her. Your children don't need this woman. They really don't.

I see this from your DH's point of view, because I too was that child. Not quite the same scenario, but my mother left for good (to another country) when I was 5. I had been living with my grandmother since I was 18 months old after my mother met another man.

There were vague attempts made over the years to keep in touch, but we weren't on the same wavelength at all. I went to visit her at 15 and at 30. She visited when my eldest was born, but since he was one, I haven't heard anything at all. (He is now 11)

My DH keeps saying why don't you get in touch? Well because she just disappoints me every time, that's why. My children don't need her in their life.

Please just leave it be.

Piffle11 · 26/04/2018 12:55

Jeez ... so she's satisfied her curiosity and now she's done. I'm not sure why you thought it would be good for your DC to be in contact with her, since she clearly didn't give a shit about their DF. I really wouldn't want this woman to have ANY relationship with my DC, even over FB. Block her from any social media accounts you are on: she is clearly narcissistic and cruel (because she tried to come back into your DH's life and has now basically 'left' again). The 'through doing things for other people' is either her being massively deluded, or she's trying to lay a guilt trip on you and your DH. No decent woman leaves her 18month old child and moves to the other side of the world.

ChristmasFluff · 26/04/2018 12:56

People like this are dangerous, and it is a blessing in disguise that she is pissing off out of your lives again. I would absolutely ignore her. Any response just feeds her drama - she's doing it wanting a response, and wanting drama. All the people calling for kindness and understanding cannot have been involved with the type of person who abandons their child for 20 years and then rocks up expecting immediate forgiveness. Then when that is not forthcoming, says she is 'through doing things for other people'???? Good fucking riddance and bullet dodged are the phrases that spring to mind.

Knittedfairies · 26/04/2018 12:57

Why do you think she would want to know anything about her grandchildren when she couldn’t be bothered with her own son?
Don’t reply and block her on everything. Move on,

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 26/04/2018 13:00

Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?

Yes because a woman couldn't possibly be a horrible, nasty bitch on her own, it must be a man's fault

SilverySurfer · 26/04/2018 13:02

Joanna57
Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?

Seriously? What do you think he did that was bad enough for a mother to have no option other than to dump her 20 month old baby and run off to the other side of the world? There have been a lot of women on MN who have been through physical and emotional hell at the hands of the men in their lives but their response was to get themselves and their child/ren to safety, not abandon and run.

I would go with GreenEyedGoose's response then block.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/04/2018 13:07

Why would you want to foster this relationship knowing how your DH feels?

Reply with “Well, you know where we are if you change your mind” and let it go. The DC will forget about her quickly enough. Probably best for them in the long run, given her track record.

Cathena · 26/04/2018 13:07

'Thanks for letting me know. DH tried to convince me it was best to not get involved with you in the first place as he was certain history would repeat itself, so now that he has been proved right I think we can all agree this is the best thing for everyone involved. All the best.'

Aeroflotgirl · 26/04/2018 13:10

I would have respected my dh decision not to forgive and have anything to do with her. She was awful leaving her 18 month old just like that for another man, and waltzes back into his life wanting to play happy families like nothing has happened. She is very self centred and making it about her, some things never change. Just say ok, good luck with your life, and move on.

Treasures · 26/04/2018 13:17

Was your DH father a twat, that gave her no other option, than to move to the other side of the world?

It might surprise you to know that some mothers are just cold, heartless bitches all by themselves. Who knows if this is the case with OP's MIL, but it's certainly true for a lot of people.

BookWitch · 26/04/2018 13:20

Similar happened to my late dad, his mum left when he was about 3, never heard from her for about 40 years. She left in 1948, back in touch mid-1980s)
My dad was brought up by his paternal grandmother as his dad was a bit crap too.
When his mum did get back in touch, my dad did go and see her and some kind of relationship was there, but it certainly wasn't that close. I don't know for a fact but I am pretty sure she was told, OK we're talking but don't think you are breezing in and playing grandma (to me and my sister)
She was an odd woman, very cold. I do wonder what must have gone on to make her leave her ds, I remember by grandad, and he was a bit unreliable but a generally nice guy. BUt you never really know what goes on in a relationship, do you?
It made my dad really value family, ie his kids and then his grandkids. He would do anything for any of them.

PenCobSwan · 26/04/2018 13:21

Whilst there have been some brilliant replies to the OP. This is what I agree with most:
People like this are dangerous, and it is a blessing in disguise that she is pissing off out of your lives again. I would absolutely ignore her. Any response just feeds her drama - she's doing it wanting a response, and wanting drama. All the people calling for kindness and understanding cannot have been involved with the type of person who abandons their child for 20 years and then rocks up expecting immediate forgiveness. Then when that is not forthcoming, says she is 'through doing things for other people'???? Good fucking riddance and bullet dodged are the phrases that spring to mind.

This^ is very good advice.

fc301 · 26/04/2018 13:28

Yep ^^

UpSideDownBrain · 26/04/2018 13:28

I would not respond - there is nothing you can say that will change this so it is pointless making any comments.
But if it will make you feel better, get stuck in with some nasty comments - you've nothing to lose!

bettytaghetti · 26/04/2018 13:29

She's done with doing things for other people? What exactly has she done for your DH that she thinks is beyond the call of duty? Sheesh!

Not sure you aren't better off without her in your DC's life tbh.

My DC have never seen their paternal GM & her husband, but quite honestly, the manipulative way she treated my DH (and his sister, but not the brother that was a result of the later marriage: whole 'nother fred ) was awful and DH is quite happy not to have her in his life.

You've done the right thing and if she can't remain civil then don't waste your energy.

willynillypie · 26/04/2018 13:33

I like the “History repeating itself.”
I’d want to add. “I see you still haven’t grasped that children have feelings.”
And delete from Facebook.

Yes!!!!

Sammymommy · 26/04/2018 13:40

She sounds like she wants attention and you to beg her for contact (or she would have just gone NC). I wouldn't enter her game with some long message about never changing. That is what she wants. I would just answer "OK. All the best" and delete/block/make sure she can't see my Facebook. Cold and unemotional to take the power away from her.

bonnyshide · 26/04/2018 13:42

'I'm wondering what I should tell your grandchild is the reason you are walking out of their lives? Just like you walked out of your son's life all those years ago. You are unreliable and selfish, I hope you find the happiness and peace you crave. I will find mine in my wonderful DH & DC who will always be loved and cherished by me as the greatest things that have ever happened to me. Goodbye.'

And when she's read it....block and delete.

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