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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is there another solution?

77 replies

Barbaro · 26/04/2018 11:23

My boyfriend and I live together, and for the most part it's fine, apart from our sleeping times.

I work hard all day then go look after my horse and by the end of the day from then cooking dinner, tidying up and doing coursework I'm knackered. So I go to sleep early like 10ish and wake up at half 5 for work.

My boyfriend works during the day, but it's not anywhere near as stressful or busy as my job and then he doesn't do much other than washes the dishes. So he isn't tired and wants to stay up playing games.

Which is fair enough but then he'll come to bed between 1 and 3am and everytime wakes me up. I then can't get back to sleep and am exhausted the next day.

I've suggested that we get a second bed for him to use in the spare room so that he doesn't disturb me and he can sleep too rather than sleeping downstairs like I'm currently making him do to avoid waking me up. But he doesn't like this and refuses to get separate beds, but also refuses to come to bed early and doesn't seem to care that he's making my life difficult. I don't want separate beds, I'd prefer if he came to bed with me but he won't because he can't sleep.

Is there a better solution?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 26/04/2018 11:26

Could you wear earplugs?

Tbh I would hate being with someone who never came to bed with me it would be weird!

I think he’s being a touch unfair by not at least sleeping in another room a few times per week!

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 11:26

10 is quite early if you don't have children. Could you get earplugs so he doesn't disturb you? Could he be less noisy or not turn lights on? Would a bigger bed or bigger duvet help? What actually disturbs you? It's not reasonable to tell him when to go to bed, he's not a child.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 11:44

My husband and I go to bed at the same time every day, I would hate for it to be otherwise (although I accept this might be weird to some!). I would try a sleep mask and earplugs and if that doesn't help tell him that for at least a few nights per week he has to come to bed early to give you some rest

Original poster
Barbaro · 26/04/2018 11:45

After I've been up since half 5, worked until half 3 and then dealt with a horse, cleaning and all that, it is knackering. I'm usually falling asleep around then downstairs so I go to bed. I've asked him to be less noisy, to not switch lights on, not put his light on on his phone etc. He just doesn't care, he's not quiet.

I hate it, I wish he would just come to bed with me, but he won't.

OP posts:
Slapbetcommissioner · 26/04/2018 11:46

Maybe he should do his share of the cooking and cleaning, it might help tire him out a bit.

blackteasplease · 26/04/2018 11:47

Would it help if he picked up more work around the house? he might find himself a bit tireder .

blackteasplease · 26/04/2018 11:48

XPOST

BlingLoving · 26/04/2018 11:50

Okay, the problem is that he's not considerate. DH goes to bed much later than me. He turns on no lights and keeps his PJs separate so that he can easily slip into them and into bed. Tell him to stop being such an inconsiderate prick and start making an effort to not disturb you when he comes to bed.

I assume at 5:30 am when you're getting up you're doing so super quietly to let him carry on sleeping? If he refuses to be more considerate, it's probably time for you to leap out of bed, turn on radio, open curtains and turn on light and blast the hair dryer when you[re getting up.

Original poster
Barbaro · 26/04/2018 11:51

If he cooked we'd both get food poisoning no doubt. To be honest I've been lucky getting him to agree to do the dishes and take the bins out. He's meant to clean the bathrooms too but has yet to bother, I just do it because I'm fed up of asking.

I've tried getting him to do exercise, come for walks with me, help me with the horse, he doesn't want to do any of it. Then wonders why I refuse him asking to get a dog. I know I will get left with it too.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 11:57

doesn't seem to care that he's making my life difficult

He just doesn't care, he's not quiet.

To be honest I've been lucky getting him to agree to do the dishes and take the bins out. He's meant to clean the bathrooms too but has yet to bother, I just do it because I'm fed up of asking.

I know LTB is bandied around, but your problem here isn't out of sync schedules and lifestyle, it's because your BF is a selfish twat.

So the answer is LTB and find someone nicer. Really, it IS - and do it now and don't wante any more time.

Or one day when you have had to get rid of your horse because you're run ragged caring for three children and a dog he bullied you into plus doing everything about the house and he still does nothing but sit up late, play games, and refuse to do housework, you'll find this thread and think 'Why the FUCK didn't I see the writing on the wall and get the fuck out?'

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 11:57

wante = waste

FizzyGreenWater · 26/04/2018 12:00

Me and DH very often have very separate schedules.

I might be up late late at the pc when he has an early start, I'll leave a note in front of the bedroom door and kip in the spare room not to wake him, with the note saying don't wake me before 7.30 if possible - or similar. And he reads it and does that.

It's called CARING.

OP take heed of this. The words are being written for you on the wall in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS.

SELFISH PRICK

SELFISH PRICK

SELFISH PRICK.

don't ignore them!

This is what living together is for. To see what someone's really like.

Pratchet · 26/04/2018 12:01

Fizzy said what I was going to say. You have a nice full busy life. Doesn't sound like he adds much. Put your foot down a bit more, because he is actually damaging your health and making your life harder. Say exactly what you want to happen. His reaction will tell you what your future together would be like.

Tbh I'd just bin him.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 12:05

Remember OP: people are what they repeatedly do. If he won't be considerate or do his share or think about you, he is telling you who he is. Please listen to that!

adaline · 26/04/2018 12:07

Him waking you when he comes to bed is a symptom of a far bigger problem.

He's lazy (doesn't do any housework except wash up), he's selfish (doesn't care about waking you up, or that he makes you do all the work) and can't even be bothered to clean the bathroom.

You sound fundamentally incompatible. Why are you with him?

BlingLoving · 26/04/2018 12:10

My dad has this theory that the way a couple treat each other at the beginning of a relationship when they're all loved up is important. His view is that they're not kind and caring of each other then, when things are relatively easy, what are the chances they'll be supportive and helpful of each other when things are tough down the line (and they will be, at some point).

I think it's excellent advice and I have to say, listening to you, I am not sure why you want to stay with this man. You don't have any long term commitments and he doesn't sound like he's adding a lot to your life. It's fine to have separate interests and activities (DH and I have almost nothing in common in terms of day to day life) but you need to respect and care for each other throughout.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/04/2018 12:10

What’s in this for you? Don’t you deserve more than a selfish prick?

applesisapple5 · 26/04/2018 12:12

Agree with everything Fizzy said, do you really think you've been 'lucky' to get him to do less than his share in the house? You deserve - and this is absolutely bare minimum - to have a partner who is helpful and supportive of you, and you of them. He doesn't have to do exactly what you like to do, but he can't manage the absolute minimum courtesy and let you sleep? What do you reckon?!

UrsulaPandress · 26/04/2018 12:12

What does he actually add to your life?

Furano · 26/04/2018 12:14

DP comes to bed much later than me. He is super considerate and creeps in like a mouse and gets into bed with no light and no sound.... but it still sometimes wakes me up. Its annoying.

As a consequence, I need a good nights sleep and not get woken up at 3am he has to sleep in the spare room.

Furano · 26/04/2018 12:15

My partner works odd hours BTW, he isn't just downstairs gaming!

BarbarianMum · 26/04/2018 12:15

Yeah so sound dead "lucky" OP. Living with a selfish prick who is happy to see you run round after him and doesn't even give a shit about waking you up at 3am. No need to do anything, you're already living the dream. Hmm

Furano · 26/04/2018 12:15

And likewise, I am super considerate in the morning (clothes outside the bedroom, creep straight out as soon as alarm goes off)

adaline · 26/04/2018 12:22

My DP has to get up earlier than me for work - not by much, but still earlier than I do.

Today is my day off. He got up and out of the house so quietly, I didn't hear a thing. I woke up naturally two hours later. I didn't hear his alarm, didn't hear him go downstairs, get changed, get breakfast or leave the house, and I'm not a particularly heavy sleeper.

Likewise on his days off, I turn my alarm off straight away and go downstairs so he's not woken up. That's normal when you partner/family are still sleeping! He's not extra lovely or considerate for not waking me today - he's a normal, non-selfish adult who realises his needs don't outweigh mine in the morning.

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 12:40

I agree with PPs this is not about what time you go to bed is about lack of consideration. DH and I have different schedules and don't always go to bed together but whoever is staying up late but our getting up earlier is considerate of the other, so if I'm going to bed earlier he'll put his PJs on when I do and creep into bed no need lights, so he stent wake me, and I often get up earlier so dress in the guest bedroom so I don't wake him. We do also go to bed together at least half the week. He's a very fidgety sleeper too, so occasionally I decamp to the back bedroom if I have an especially early start, but generally we support each other and both do things around the house, he does need reminding sometimes but just forgets rather than refuses. I get the cooking thing, DH could burn water and I enjoy cooking, but surely your DP could do other household tasks? If he just doesn't want to be equal partners, what is in this for you?