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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is there another solution?

77 replies

Barbaro · 26/04/2018 11:23

My boyfriend and I live together, and for the most part it's fine, apart from our sleeping times.

I work hard all day then go look after my horse and by the end of the day from then cooking dinner, tidying up and doing coursework I'm knackered. So I go to sleep early like 10ish and wake up at half 5 for work.

My boyfriend works during the day, but it's not anywhere near as stressful or busy as my job and then he doesn't do much other than washes the dishes. So he isn't tired and wants to stay up playing games.

Which is fair enough but then he'll come to bed between 1 and 3am and everytime wakes me up. I then can't get back to sleep and am exhausted the next day.

I've suggested that we get a second bed for him to use in the spare room so that he doesn't disturb me and he can sleep too rather than sleeping downstairs like I'm currently making him do to avoid waking me up. But he doesn't like this and refuses to get separate beds, but also refuses to come to bed early and doesn't seem to care that he's making my life difficult. I don't want separate beds, I'd prefer if he came to bed with me but he won't because he can't sleep.

Is there a better solution?

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 26/04/2018 19:19

Sorry to sound harsh but why are you with this guy? Seriously!

AnathemaPulsifer · 26/04/2018 19:34

He doesn't do clothes either as he can't learn how to use a washing machine.

Gosh, he must get some funny looks at work. Because since he's a grown-up, surely you aren't doing his laundry??!

Seriously, stop enabling him. If he wakes you coming to bed, wake him getting up for work. Every. Single. Time. Don't wash his clothes. Don't cook his meals. And if that doesn't solve it pretty damn quick move on and live alone in a blissfully clean and quiet home, or find someone who genuinely cares about you rather than just saying they do.

applesisapple5 · 26/04/2018 20:34

I'm sure he is a nice person, I mean, he's not strangling kittens.

Read what you are choosing to tell us - strangers on the Internet- about your boyfriend. How much longer are you willing to go on like this; two weeks? Two years?

What's different about you that neither his mum nor any of his exes could make click WRT his laziness?

OverTheHedgeHammy · 26/04/2018 21:05

You've posted about him before, haven't you? I remember the bit about past partners thinking he cheated on them, so they cheated on him.

Doesn't he have inappropriate friendships with other women? And hides the fact that he's with you?

Original poster
Barbaro · 27/04/2018 08:31

He used to have an inappropriate relationship with his ex which when I found out I had a go at him for. He did drop it, but she continued to try to talk to him. He did recently get in contact with her for something else and didn't tell me (because he said he knew I would be annoyed) but the fact he didn't tell me and deleted the conversation pissed me off. He says he has nothing to hide but that's not the actions of someone who has nothing to hide is it? I don't think he would cheat but his actions just make me wonder at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbaro · 27/04/2018 08:53

I am just gonna have to have a long think about this relationship and then a talk with him and see if we can fix these issues. If we can't then guess it's over. Just know that no one is gonna agree with me if we split up as they all think he is amazing. Just dunno why he is such a git to me. He blames me for stuff all the time, just stupid stuff, but it pisses me off. He says he's just joking and I need to chill out, but if you got told all day everyday that everything little thing that goes wrong, even like if lights turn red, that it's your fault, what would you do? It pisses me off, I've told him that, he keeps doing it. And if I try to talk to him, I get shouted at.

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 27/04/2018 09:04

You say you don’t want children. Guess what, you already have one!

You have to constantly ask him to clean up after himself
You’ve given him a list of chores then have to nag him to do them
You’ve told him no to getting a dog as you know you’ll be the one to look after it.
He plays computer games TIL the early hours of the morning.

You don’t have a dp, you have a teenager!

Seriously, don’t worry about what other people think if you split up, they don’t have to live with him or put up with this shit.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

sunshinesupermum · 27/04/2018 09:06

Just dunno why he is such a git to me. He blames me for stuff all the time, just stupid stuff, but it pisses me off. He says he's just joking and I need to chill out, but if you got told all day everyday that everything little thing that goes wrong, even like if lights turn red, that it's your fault, what would you do?

He's gaslighting you. Get rid of him now, otherwise it will get worse and you will be left with no slef confidence at all. I wish you lots of luck.

Talcott2007 · 27/04/2018 09:41

Wow - he sounds aweful - We actually have some creaky floor boards by our wardrobes that you only really notice when its quiet so in the early hours of the morning/at night and when we first moved in, on the occasions that DH had to get up before me he would get dressed standing in that area and the squeaks would wake me up! (A whole 30mins before I needed to which is criminal as there is no point to even try to go back to sleep!!) So we had a normal conversation where I only slightly lighthearted explained that if he didn't stop standing there in the morning I would murder him and store his body under the aforementioned floorboards. He now gets dressed away from that area and I do the same if I get up first!

RiotAndAlarum · 27/04/2018 09:45

Until you got to the bit about blaming you for lights going red Hmm, it sounded as though he might be ok as a live-out boyfriend. However, taking out all his petty frustrations on you, and shouting at you when you complain makes it sound as though there's not much good wven seeing him outside of home. He sounds exhausting to be with, and not much fun in between his pettiness and the extra work he creates for you.

Motoko · 27/04/2018 09:55

It doesn't matter what other people think, they only see the side of him he projects. If he showed them that side of things, they'd be warning you to leave him, as we are, and he would lose his "nice guy" image. So, he puts on a front, so if you talk about leaving, he'll have them as allies, telling you that he's really nice, why would you leave him? etc. And if you're not strong, you'll back down and stay, and then he'll ramp up his bad behaviour, because he knows he can get away with it. He will still be nice at times, because it keeps you hooked.

The more you write about him, the worse he sounds. He'll chip away at your self esteem, which will make you doubt yourself all the time, thinking that it must be you who is being unreasonable (like what made you start this post).

It's not easy ending a relationship, practically or emotionally, but don't let that stop you from doing it, you'll only regret not doing it sooner, later down the line. You can get support from Mumsnetters, we've got the t-shirts.

SilverySurfer · 27/04/2018 16:01

If you stay with this oik, please don't post here in a few years after having had a couple of children about how your DP does absolutely nothing in the house or for the children and how trying to 'train' him failed miserably, because the only responses you will get will be a resounding 'we told you so!'

Jasmineandsunshine · 28/04/2018 11:52

I was reading the first few posts and thinking 'your solution is get rid of the dickhead', so glad other people came along and said it. He's not considerate of you, he's actively making your life more difficult, he wants you to be his servant and do all the housework while he sits on his arse, and your last post is really concerning, telling you you're overreacting when you don't appreciate his 'jokes' is at best another sign of his inconsideration i.e. his right to behave how he likes is more important than your feelings and at worst emotional abuse. I could go into a looong post about that. I wish I had had someone to warn me me all those years ago.
Best of luck OP

Goshitshighuphere · 28/04/2018 11:56

If he cooked we'd both get food poisoning no doubt.

Of course you wouldn't. This is learned uselessness that your are encouraging. Example, he shrinks something in the wash- response well he cant be trusted to do the washing. No- he keeps on doing the washing as otherwise he wont learn.

He needs to do tasks as that is the only way that he will become competent- although I suspect he is perfectly capable already and you are allowing him to be useless. You are not his mother.

WhatLineyDidNext · 28/04/2018 12:09

If he cooked we'd both get food poisoning no doubt

I wanted to comment on that as well, and agree with goshitshot.

If you really want to 'try and fix' the unfixable, call his bluff and give him a list of a week's dinners he can't fuck up except deliberately: beans on toast; tinned spaghetti / ravioli on toast; tinned tuna and chopped up salad vegetables and tinned potatoes; chips from chippy and bread; microwave vegetable curry; etc.

Then you'll really know for sure what you're dealing with, if you don't already.

Original poster
Barbaro · 28/04/2018 17:23

Well stupidly decided to give him another chance last night after we talked and he's already fucking up. Both went to see my horse today and he was being fairly good, offered to go make the horses feed and left his very very expensive supplement out in the open for anyone to take/use. When I told him not to do that, he said 'it's not like anyone would take it'. I've had a bad time of it in the past of people stealing stuff from me, including my horses feed do yeah it can happen, although hopefully not at this place as it and the people are great, but still. I even said to him how would you like it if I left your PlayStation outside, and he said I'm over reacting and finally said sorry. Maybe I am, but that stuff is very expensive, I don't have money to waste on it and my horse really needs it for his back that just had surgery.

I'm not speaking to him still and thankfully he's going out tonight. He actually asked me to drop him off, I said walk. Still no doubt going to stay with him as I have low self esteem or rather none at all. Thanks though for the advice, hopefully one day I'll have the courage to actually leave as I know I should.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 28/04/2018 17:29

Your life sounds like it would be infinitely better without him.

LannieDuck · 28/04/2018 17:32

But his mum always did everything for him and I suspect his exs have as well.

... you are as well.

RandomMess · 29/04/2018 08:34

Easier to leave now...

Sunken cost fallacy!!! You are young there are plenty of decent men out there. Go work on your self esteem.

trojanpony · 29/04/2018 08:56

Everyone had already said it, but He’s an arsehole and doesn’t care about you

You will likely find your self esteem and happiness are much higher imonce you bin him

Luckingfovely · 29/04/2018 09:10

"Still no doubt going to stay with him as I have low self esteem or rather none at all."

Don't you see that HE is the reason for this?

He has no respect for you and treats you like dirt. Your life is never going to get better, and you are never going to gain self esteem until you get rid of him. Please try and find the strength.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 29/04/2018 09:13

Without him you’d have more sleep, so more energy, a cleaner house and less mental stress. Sounds good to me.

categed · 29/04/2018 09:46

Can you afford the house and bills without him? If so try a separation. Give yourself a month no contact, if he wants to be with you he will wait. See how you feel after this, no walking on eggshells, sorry g someone else's life, things not justifying every choice you make. You may decide to just carry on with the separation.
As an aside it takes a long time before it improves, if ever. 16 years on and I still wish I could tell myself to run even though most things are much better now.
Be honest with yourself, what do you do together? If someone else came along would he chose to stay with You? Can you see yourself doing this in 10 years time. I also had the horse but my husband did help. We also have totally different sleep pattern but also manage. X

Flyme21 · 29/04/2018 09:56

The dynamics of the relationship don't sound very "adult". Do you really need to keep messing about like this? Just be pleased you aren't married and get rid.

parklives · 29/04/2018 10:01

Believe me op get out now. You might not feel like you will do better......(which isn't true)......but imagine how you will feel in 10 years time having wasted your youth with this bloke.
Leave now, while you are still young.