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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I supppsed to beg for forgiveness for something I did in my FUCKING SLEEP

85 replies

IHeartMaryLennox · 25/04/2018 22:57

I would like to know.

DP woke up in a foul mood with me this morning. As normal getting out of the house and on the early train to work on time takes a fair bit of mental gumption, I didn't bother asking why. Then I got to work and I was busy.

He responded to a fairly jolly text from me at lunchtime ('I need Nando's soon, I got a proper craving for it just now. Saturday? Everything alright, you've been quiet')

With: 'WELL I'm over it now but I wanted to kill you last night. Seriously. I was NOT happy this morning'

I was a bit Confused

I'm not in the sort of job where I can bat back and forward in text, so I left it. But I was wracking my brains and felt a bit shit.

It has transpired, since I got in from the hellish commute at 9:30pm, that in the night I unwittingly caused DP to have no bed space by cuddling up to him in my sleep. Apparently he asked me to move and I responded 'but I love being close to you'

This isn't even true, I don't much like being close to anybody Grin

I have no recollection of this event.

DP only got four hours of sleep and therefore had to cancel his five-aside-game Hmm

I said I was asleep and didn't know what I was doing and he shouldn't have sent such an aggressive message. He says I'm emotionally manipulating him into being the wronged party.

Do you apologise for things that you have no control over? In fact I might have done if he'd not been such a bloody arse about it.

He reckons KILL YOU is just a common turn of phrase and I'm ridiculous for taking offence.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 26/04/2018 00:10

That said, when my ds was a baby and I was especially sleep deprived with children under 2, neither of which slept through, i woke up to feed him for the 7th time in 4 hours and the sight of DH SLEEPING next to me with a slight smile on his face was enough to make me physically kick him off the bed (he slept right on the very very edge, it wasn't that hard a kick!). He woke up thinking he'd fallen and took the baby off me 'because i'm awake now anyway' Blush......I'm not proud of myself, but sleep deprivation does weird things to the brain.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 26/04/2018 00:10

That's a really over the top, unfriendly and somewhat aggressive message to send. This was lunchtime and he was still stewing away?

I have very, very little time for people like that, to be honest, OP.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2018 00:29

He takes himself pretty seriously doesn't he...

Don't ever have a baby with this man.

Copperbonnet · 26/04/2018 00:38

Dear Lord! What an unattractive man.

My DH gets up at 4:45am every day. Last week I woke him at 2:30am by switching on the light while sleepwalking.

He got up, put me back in bed and just laughed about the next day.

If I took up his side of the bed he’d he just roll me over. He certainly wouldn’t be angry with me. Hmm

musicposy · 26/04/2018 00:39

caused DP to have no bed space by cuddling up to him in my sleep. Apparently he asked me to move and I responded 'but I love being close to you

I'm not suggesting the action was in any way intentional, but am I the only one thinking that if it was a woman posting that her DH had done this we'd be hearing cries of abuse rather than how unreasonable the poor person on the receiving end of this was? He didn't react well, but lack of sleep can make you very grumpy.

DoneDisappeared · 26/04/2018 01:13

FFS - people do funny things in their sleep. If it was such a big deal he could have woken you up at the time.

(One time my DH punched me in his sleep, he was far more apologetic than I was angry. It was a one off and never happened before [and something I did in my sleep myself once not to him])

AngryAttackKittens · 26/04/2018 01:34

I said I was asleep and didn't know what I was doing and he shouldn't have sent such an aggressive message. He says I'm emotionally manipulating him into being the wronged party.

He's projecting like a cinema. Wronged party? FFS.

Tell him to stop being such a petulant baby. If it was bothering him that much he could have woken you up properly (and I say this as someone who likes my space when I'm sleeping sometimes).

Octave777 · 26/04/2018 02:05

I think he was just sleep deprived and grouchy. We all have bad moody days. He doesn't actually want to kill you. He didn't shout at you this morning but calmed down and text you why you annoyed him. It's good he told you really.

I genuinely think sleep is sooooooo important. You just need few early nights, some wine and be ok.

QueenofSerene · 26/04/2018 02:11

It sounds like he's just a grouch after a bad nights sleep, the whole 'kill you' thing is just a phrase I've found but taking it a bit seriously with the whole 'emotional manipulation' aspect. I'm sure it'll blow over.

My DH gets up at 4-5am for work so his sleep is important and he can be a grouch when I've been a difficult sleeper recently.. the other night I woke him up sleep talking about the cost of avocados and the risk of import/export on the market lol (to be fair before having my DS I was working on biosecurity and doing risk analyses for avocados so it's not as random as it sounds, just weird that it's still in the back of my mind 3 months later..) he just laughs at me and calls me a weirdo..

CatRen27 · 26/04/2018 02:55

My dh is a terrible sleeper, lots of night terrors and shouting, jumping out of bed and demanding me to follow him. Its not his fault, and these days i just tell him to get back to bed, them in the morning ill regail him with that nights episode, of which he has no memory. If Ive been up 3 times with our dd (he never hears her) and he 'chooses' this night for his shenanigans then i demand a lie in. Luckily i get back to sleep ok. Meanwhile I'm a terrible snorer and he hardly complains.

What I'm spending an age trying to say is that we all have our foibles, and your dh should have dealt with it at the time (shoved you over) and left it there. So he needs to chill. But you could apologise now knowing you've kept him from sleeping, and suggest the gentle shove next time as a preferred response over his passive aggression the following day.

Sleep deprivation really does fuck with otherwise rational and lovely people - sorry you're struggling with that and hope you find a solution soon!

Mannix · 26/04/2018 04:23

Here’s my tip. If you can’t fit a bigger bed, just get a bigger duvet. Yes it looks a bit less neat in the daytime (as it hangs over the sides of the bed). But seriously, it makes you feel as if the bed is bigger!

Graphista · 26/04/2018 04:56

I genuinely believe ONE of the reasons couples stayed married longer in the past was separate beds/rooms. Both my granpa and ex-fil horrendous snorers (tried all sorts) and their wives and they eventually opted for separate rooms. All said if they hadn't it would've been either divorce or murder! My other grandparents had twin beds - gran had restless legs.

Would twin beds work op? If this is a regular occurrence I mean.

But yes I get him being grumpy that morning but to continue it through the day?! No he needs to get a serious grip!

Do you have DC yet? If not that'll be a rude awakening for him Grin

43percentburnt · 26/04/2018 05:30

I assume you don’t currently have children.

Dh and I were extremely sleep deprived for a very long time post twins. How would he be with a baby (or two)? Would it be your job to wake in the night while sleeping beauty gets his full 8 hours because he has work/football/reacts worse to no sleep then you?

I worked full time and at one point would have loved 4 hours sleep a night.

cook64 · 26/04/2018 05:38

single beds?

thebewilderness · 26/04/2018 06:02

If he told you he wanted to kill you for the way you were sleeping I think you would be a fool not to take it seriously. 1st stop sleeping with him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/04/2018 06:16

Op said not much room in the bedroom. What about bunk beds. Wink. I don’t get why you should apologise. I understand the getting grumpy due to sleep deprivation but not the insistence you should apologise and him still being annoyed that evening. His attitude doesn’t bode well to having children as a pp said.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 06:43

He is being a prick. It's his responsibility to deal with an issue when it arises, not stew on it and then send aggressive messages hours later.

If I roll over too close to my DH he gently pushes me back or, if he can't, wakes me and asks me to move. I almost never remember him doing this. Similarly if he's snorting I'll either nudge him til he rolls over or wake him up.

Your DH chose to put up with it rather than resolve it which is fine - but he doesn't get to sulk and he certainly doesn't get to be so aggressive.

BertieBotts · 26/04/2018 06:45

Huh? If DH is annoying me in his sleep I just wake him up. That resets the sleep cycle and it stops. It probably annoys him but oh well. At least I'm not passively aggressively cancelling my activities and being mad at him the next day!

Ohyesiam · 26/04/2018 06:50

Ooh youviscous cuddler. How can you live with yourself?

flowermug2 · 26/04/2018 06:57

Kill you is fine depending on context imo.

Tbh I get where he's coming from. My DP is the most annoying person in his sleep. Constantly rolling onto my side, pushing me to edge of bed, elbows sticking into me, or sleeping diagnolly, or taking all the cover... And I push him and shake him and he just mumbles and doesn't budge! Sometimes I might get a sleepy "fuck off irgjahsbr"

It is v vexing. Not their fault though

Joanna57 · 26/04/2018 07:28

Thank goodness for the luxury of separate bedrooms.

:)

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 26/04/2018 07:35

How very odd. I mean, DP is a snoring, quilt-stealing, bedhog, and in the middle of the night (or after the 5am fidgetting starts) I have been known to get very annoyed.

BUT... I don't hold it against him, he's asleep for goodness sake. Instead, I buy a separate duvet for me, earplugs, I kick him progressively harder, or very, very occasionally get up and sleep downstairs..

Actually, that's not completely true. I am cross that he refuses to see anyone about the snoring - he has a deviated septum, so I reckon something could be done to a certain extent, and he'd sleep better for it too, but he refuses to go to the doctor about it. Even there though, I'd not be aggressive over it, just throw my hands up at his ridiculousness.

Original poster
IHeartMaryLennox · 26/04/2018 09:38

Oh I over-reacted apparently. I got a lovely 'apology' text that basically says 'I'm sorry you felt...' bla bla bla.

Really annoys me when people say they're over something then go on like they're not over it at all.

OP posts:
MarklahMarklah · 26/04/2018 09:46

A friend of mine woke up in the night because her husband was hitting her on the head. He was sound asleep. She woke him up and he was absolutely mortified. He's apologised over and over, and she's quite accepting of the fact that he was asleep. He's the most gentle man ever. (At the time this happened he was under a lot of stress - health problems, bereavement, work).

Reacting so vehemently to someone trying to cuddle you sounds OTT. I understand being sleep deprived but he could have nudged you to make you move, or got up and gone around to the other side of the bed, or, if it was that bad, slept on the sofa.

FASH84 · 26/04/2018 10:03

@Flowermug2 my DH is the same, we've got a super king-size bed now which helps a bit. A couple of weeks ago he had a cold and my god the snoring on top of the twists, turns, duvet stealing, laying on me and what sounds like eating in his sleep, a few nights I got up and slept in the spare room, he was concerned the first time he woke up and couldn't find me, and did apologise every time he did it, and offfered to sleep in the spare room, but as much as I was annoyed the first few times before I escaped, I wasn't annoyed at him. He was asleep. I've just accepted we have the biggest bed we can comfortably fit in our room, and that's the way he sleeps. If it gets too bad or I'm suffering with a few sleepless nights in a row I'll move.

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