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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does life ever get less... shit?

123 replies

DameSaggyMith · 25/04/2018 22:42

Pretty much everyone (especially women) I know are in the same loop of:

Work is shit, hours are long, stressful.
Kids are hard. They cry and moan and get shit loads of parasites and viruses that make them cry and moan more, and sleep less.
There's no time for any other element of life. Even sleep.

I know it's not just me. Does it ever get better? Is retirement less grating and stressful? Wondering what it was all for. AIBU to want life to be generally less tedious?

OP posts:

blue25 · 27/04/2018 14:59

The happiest people I know don't have children. They have more freedom and spontaneity in their lives. Less day to day stresses. They also have more money to do the fun things they enjoy including travel.

speakout · 27/04/2018 15:17

blue25 I was happy before I had children, but I have been irrevocably transformed by motherhood.

Having children can lead to big personal transformation if we allow it.

I know myself more, children push us to our boundaries.
I love more, I am more compassionate, stronger, more patient, I have bigger hunger for life, more resilient, more self belief.

I can't say how I would feel without kids- but I had my first at 38 so had lived a fair time as a child free adult.

My life is ten times better after having children.

SweetSummerchild · 27/04/2018 15:36

My life is ten times better after having children.

^^this

The most unhappy people I know are those who wanted to have children but weren’t able.

Eolian · 27/04/2018 15:43

I don't feel like that about life at all, but I expect I might do if I were working 70 hour weeks! The tiredness must affect all the other stuff.
My dc (10 and 12) are pretty low maintenance tbh. Parasites - nope - and viruses have been rare. I have a great dh, I work part time and live in a nice place.

speakout · 27/04/2018 15:46

OP I would suggest it's the fact that you are working 70 hours a week is the problem.

Osopolar · 27/04/2018 16:04

I think it's your hours of work too. I am happy with my life but I only work 30 hours (so one day off a week to spend with my DS who is 2 which I love), I only have one child which is very manageable. My DH pulls his weight and we outsource quite a lot of the housework. If I were working 70 hours a week I would be miserable.

Original poster

DameSaggyMith · 27/04/2018 20:03

Thanks everyone. I feel I need to be clear that I am paid a decent amount, but not lots! I am in senior management in a school (private, so Saturday school), and pay is a bit less than the maintained sector, so not loads, but yes, I am very invested as I really care about the kids.

OP posts:

Ragusa · 27/04/2018 20:09

70 hours per week? That is definitely your problem. I work half that and have a good standard of living, hobbies, some time away on holiday alone. Teachers and school staff seem to alway be being asked to put their pupils' happiness and development above their own. Which is ridiculous and totally unwarranted.

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:09

Okay so you're invested, but nobody needs to work a 70 hour week. I think if you reduced your hours you'd feel much happier practically straight away.

I don't know why people work so many hours when it causes so many problems in other areas of their life. The world won't stop turning if you go home early sometimes.

Ragusa · 27/04/2018 20:11

And I am certain you aren't paid enough for that. Think about it: you are investing all this time and effort and heartache into the admirable task of preparing other people's children for life and success. What about you, and your children??

Original poster

DameSaggyMith · 27/04/2018 20:12

Yeah, 60 is our core hours, and I have other stuff I need to do. It's not a matter of choosing to do too much, it's the nature of the workplace. What I have realised, however, that the independent sector isn't for me, so I'm hoping that a move back to state in September will prove a better balance. That said, I'm very aware of the different pressures there, and frying pan/fire springs to mind. Might be time to consider a completely different career, is what this thread has me thinking.

OP posts:

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:18

Jesus, sixty hours a week?! Why would you subject yourself to that on a permanent basis?

Go and regain your life and sanity woman! I've never worked more than 40 hours a week and I don't feel the need to work anymore than I do. Too many people throw themselves into work and wonder why their personal life falls by the wayside.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 27/04/2018 20:22

You do need to work 70hrs a week in a boarding school. My DH is SLT is a boarding school, he does at least 70hrs a week as standard during term time.

However, he has 21 weeks a year holiday when, although he does have to work sometimes, he can do it as his pace. He also has a very lovely free house in a desirable location and we pay only a 1/3 of the school fees for DS. It's a job of two halves.

We have one child, I work in a job that is interesting and challenging but well within my capability and I don't feel that life is a drudge or stressful. I think it's about recognising and staying within your capacity.

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:24

Well no, you don't need to, you choose that profession and the hours that go with it. Which works for some people, but clearly isn't working for OP.

Not many people can work that many hours, run a household and be there for their children/partner without having some kind of burnout. The holidays are a bonus but they're not enough for everyone.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 27/04/2018 20:26

I said you need to in a boarding school. Very obviously you can choose not to work in a boarding school.

Original poster

DameSaggyMith · 27/04/2018 20:31

Sadly no house and the holidays, whilst great, aren't 21 weeks. But ultimately yes, those are the hours for this job, and I'm at burnout, so this job isn't for me.

OP posts:

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:37

Hope you find a solution soon

Eolian · 28/04/2018 10:07

Boarding school hours are crazy. I work very part time in one (just a few hours a week). They wanted me to apply for a full time job which came up. I looked at the hours on the job info and went... ummmm nope! The school doesn't even pay more than the state sector, but they expect baffling levels of time commitment. I have no idea how they manage to recruit.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 28/04/2018 10:34

Boarding school hours are crazy. I have no idea how they manage to recruit.

They are crazy, but as soon as anyone is looking for a boarding school on mumsnet everyone says 'oh, make absolutely sure it is a proper 24/7 one that doesn't empty out and has lots going on during evenings and weekends.' Obviously that has to be staffed.

When we first started in boarding schools it used to be pretty common that either school owned or rented accommodation as part of the package was the norm for most staff. That made it very attractive. We've lived in house much better than those we could have afforded ourselves (and do even now) whilst accruing equity in a buy to let.

Tax rules have changed though making this less possible. I wouldn't work in a boarding school without the 'live in' element, and it's absence definitely makes recruiting more of a challenge.

WomaninGreen · 28/04/2018 11:46

OP "Might be time to consider a completely different career, is what this thread has me thinking."

I think this immediately on reading your thread!

I think teachers are amazing but as far I'm concerned, under far too much pressure. Of course in a boarding school to some extent you are in loco parentis - depending on the job? - so then it's not just a job.

I said in another thread, I have resigned from my job and the hardest thing about it has been that two people who have become quite emotionally dependent on me are very very upset. To me it's only ever a job - I didn't set out to become anyone's emotional support! If you have children feeling that way about you....

I'm sure you have loads of transferable skills, I'd look at doing something else and in order to avoid complete emotional burnout, look for something that isn't pastoral? When you said 70 hours I just assumed you were getting the cash to make it worthwhile but it doesn't sound like that either?

Eolian · 28/04/2018 17:33

school owned or rented accommodation as part of the package was the norm for most staff

Yes, I can see that would be attractive, but they are still effectively putting off a huge swathe of good potential teachers who simply can't or aren't willing to have little life beyond school. Teachers with children who aren't at the boarding school or even just with partners who understandably don't want to live in boarding school accommodation. I have a friend whose husband was a house master. I couldn't understand how they stood the lack of private life and the fact that she was effectively expected to be part if it all even though she wasn't actually employed by the school!

iveburntthetoast · 28/04/2018 17:43

My DDs are 8 and 11 & I much prefer this age. They’re good company and generally behave in a sensible/rational way. I could never go back to pregancy/baby/toddler stage.

My work hours are also crazy and I still don’t get much time to myself, but I have started doing yoga and horse riding lessons. It really makes a difference

I’m very aware that we’re on the verge of teenager-dom.

onlyjustme · 28/04/2018 17:45

DameSaggy...
Some excellent replies on here, loving the positive comments from so many others.
Totally agree with life being what you make it.
Happy people aren't happy because they have better lives.
Their lives are better because they are happy.

I love my job. Not all of it, but most of it. If you really don't like it AND know that you will be happier elsewhere then move (which you are considering, go for it!)

Kids are hard work but rewarding - and the more fun you have, the happier you will all be. Been in that shouty / miserable / louder shouty / more miserable cycle. It is hard to break but can be done.

If you want to do it you will find the time.

Exercise - the more I do, the better I feel. If I am ill and can't get out for a run for more than a few days I get worse. The more exercise I do, the more energy I have. (And the more cake I can eat!)

You might not be able to change much about your life but you can change your attitude.

Hope you find something to cheer you up soon

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