Does life ever get less... shit?

[DameSaggyMith]

Pretty much everyone (especially women) I know are in the same loop of:

Work is shit, hours are long, stressful.
Kids are hard. They cry and moan and get shit loads of parasites and viruses that make them cry and moan more, and sleep less.
There's no time for any other element of life. Even sleep.

I know it's not just me. Does it ever get better? Is retirement less grating and stressful? Wondering what it was all for. AIBU to want life to be generally less tedious?

Maybe it's just my perception, but I think people feel like that when they're fulfilling other people's ideas of what they should do with their lives.

They get the job that people think they should have - something basically respectable that uses your brain just enough but doesn't stray too far into the realms of creativity and doesn't take you away from your kids for too long.

They marry the guy that seems like a safe enough bet - same class, same race, similar job etc, basically attractive, basically socially acceptable etc.

They have kids because they hit 30 and everyone else is having kids so they think they should have kids too.

They buy a house because that's what you do, even if it means you stress about it for ever more.

It's so so so easy to be pushed along and do everything in the right order school university job marry kids die. And I'm not criticising anyone for it, but I do think that if you're not happy with your life, you definitely have the power to change it, even if you do something totally ridiculous like quit your job with no safety net or move to Mongolia or retrain to be a dog yoga instructor or whatever. I mean, if you're miserable anyway, then why not just change stuff?

A lot of my friends have told me I'm lucky because I moved to Korea spur of the moment and now I live here. But like, I'm not lucky, I just did it. They have the same qualifications as me, there's no reason they can't do the same, but they worry about their career and what their family would think etc. I just can't live my life like that, worrying about 'what if this happens'.

I've been in pretty disastourous situations (no money, no friends, no job etc) various times, but I've never been bored.

Like I said, no judging or criticising, but if you have a roof over your head and enough money for a meal then you have a million more ways in which you can change your life than 90% of people in the world, so why spend your life feeling shit and never changing?

It’s an interesting point that women (especially) invest so heavily in their career, relationship and children but many put almost no time or energy into what makes them happy. Many men have no such problem at all. Look at the number of women who post on here about their DP’s ‘hobby’.

There’s an old analogy about imagining a jar full of sand which repreyall the millions of tasks we do each day. If you fill that jar and then try to add three small pebbles, it’s impossible. The pebbles represent three things you will do for yourself that day. So you have to put the pebbles in first, then add the sand.

I was in therapy for a specific issue which was really stressful and the only real way to cope was to ‘buffer’ the stress with nice stuff. I’ve learned to put things in the diary for weeks and months ahead to look forward to. No guilt.

That plus a mindful approach. Nits and worms are a fucking nuisance but they will pass. Be mindful as much as possible and focus on the good stuff even the leaves on the trees. Sounds woo but it works.

My kids have grown and life is good but of course we miss the mayhem sometimes. The one real truth is that we only get one chance at life so writing off chunks as ‘this is shit but there’s nothing to be done’ isn’t ok. Not for me, not for you.

Yes, it does get better. DH and I became empty nesters last year, with both our children living a good distance away. Ancient mother's not in need of day to day support from either of us and unlikely to be so given their preferences for care. The thought of retirement in 2-4 years and yet we are fitter than we have ever been ( very touch wood).
Yes, I look at my colleagues in their late 30's and 40's and think I couldn't go through those years of huge expense, difficult parenting and never ending stress at work again. My friends who are in their early 60's are, on the whole, happier than they have ever been. WE may be in a fools paradise awaiting the grim reaper but hey, let's live for today and enjoy it. My usual part of Mumsnet is S&B where I post about wearing dungarees and other unsuitable clothes ( in the view of some) for my age, life is too short for that sort of nonsense.

Apologies for apostrophe error "mothers" is what I meant.

It's really not every woman. I'm sorry you're having a tough time but I really wish people wouldn't generalise as if we are all in the same position.

matilda agree. Men seem to have no problem putting themselves first. I think we have to. Of course not to the point of neglect, but if I am miserable, my kids are going to be miserable first. My husband and I always put ourselves and our relationship first - I see it like the glue that holds the whole thing together. If we don't make time for ourselves and each other, the whole thing - family, jobs, home, the kids education, our dog - is going to fall apart.

Plus, I just don't WANT to live only for other people. I didn't struggle through 15 years of mental illness just to give up my life for other people to be happy.

Well I'm in my fifties and no life doesn't get better. Shit doesn't get less it just changes. ie if your stress is children - your babies grow into teenagers, teenagers become adults etc and there will always be some crisis or other happening. You just move on to the next problem.

The only positive is the way you deal with it - I learned to stop worrying about it all so much.

Firstly, ILoveDolly .... am feeling your positivity. Sorry to read of your illness. Keep smiling

I can honestly say my life is good, I have to work full time following on from divorcing my Exh. My kids have had past issues that I have helped them overcome/deal with.

I am overweight but don’t stress too much over that - nobody is perfect. I have a loving partner. I try to have things to look forward to. It could be a lot worse.

TawnyPort I agree.

I am in my 50s. I wake up excited, looking forward to the day.

This morning I went to the gym, this afternoon I will decorate my house for Beltane including decorating my willow. I will then spend a few hours crafting for my business that I run from home.

Life has never been better and the future is exciting.

It's not like that here but I do genuinely believe comparison is the thief of joy.

This is life - the real one not the dress rehearsal- if you are not happy look at what you can change.

Sometimes small things - reduce the sky package and get a cleaner

Use the tumble drier more and stopped worrying about clothes when it rains or a damp flat.

Check for nits weekly in bath - they won't ever get a massive dose then.

Mostly though decide what your biggest woe is and try to sort that.

Post it on Mumsnet and somebody will have an idea for you to try.

The biggest difficulties are poverty and poor housing those are miserable and not easily changed.

minapaws I love your list too and many things on it I do as well. You are awesome to keep fighting as that's what it is, living with depression, a fight.

There is something in me, call it survivalist instinct, I don't know what it is, but even at my very worst, it eventually kicks in and I start fighting back.

I've been for a walk into town, it's sunny up here in Scotland today. There is a tree I walk past most days, I love it so much, it's huge and its branches are in the shape of a heart. I noticed today how many buds are opening and how green the hills in the distance were. Summer is coming and everything is growing. Beautiful.

Things like that don't change the stress in my life, but they greatly remind me that I'd rather be alive and one day due, than never have been alive at all.

Cute things like my ASD son watching me have a blood test and saying he thought my blood looked like it would taste of strawberries. My dog having his funny five minutes after his walk, despite his age. My husband's lovely aftershave. Even simple silly things like the smell of shake and vac on the carpet.

There are things every single day that can bring feelings of pleasure and joy. It's training yourself to look for them and to savour them. Life is a gift, however cruel and hard it can get. Sometimes I think we couldn't even know happiness unless we have felt sadness.

My life is considerably better than it used to be.

One of the things I changed was reducing my working hours.

With more time to deal with it nothing seems as much of a problem.

The problem is for many that if you dont work you will be poor...so either work hard with more money or work less and have less money...both shite tbh in different ways...
Less money to me is grinding poverty rather than forsaking treats...
Love dd but by gish i miss my freedom...

An awful lot depends on your outlook on life.

I am 43 and am going blind. I am on the work scrap heap after ill health retirement and my employment prospects are close to zero. I can’t drive, can’t read a book and can’t even cut my own toenails.

Life has never been better. I have a great DH, two fantastic kids and great friends. My pension is small, but I really don’t miss gong to work one bit. Money is tight but we get by. The most important thing is I don’t have to go to work any more.

I am genuinely happy.

My looks may be fading, but I can’t see my reflection in the mirror properly so I still look 25 in my own mind. Who cares what other people see?

@ThisIsTheFirstStep - it's really interesting reading your analysis. I wonder if it's true. Funnily enough the things that have made me happiest in life are the things you list as hemming people in: the right sort of man, the DC, the house. But I came to them late after a pretty wild and adventurous ten years post uni when I lived on thin air, but doing exactly what I wanted. And the hting that drags me down most is my 'creative' career as I'm just never as good as I want to be and never have the energy to produce as much work as I want to (to be fair, it takes a back seat to the earning-a-living career which puts a lot more money into the family accounts.)

Wow so much negativity, I love my job I have to work away about half the time, but see it as an opportunity to see new places and meet people (some colleagues don't view it that way and I'm sure it affects their experience), I have a nice life and crap things do sometimes happen, we've had a number of bereavements in the last couple of years, unexpected and younger family members, but I deal with it and move on, don't let yourself get bogged down. The glass is half full people!!

@CollyWombles Your last post is so gorgeous and uplifting to read. We have a fair bit in common (I also have an ASD son and a favourite tree that grows on the verge in the street next to ours - I gave it a pat the other day - it looked so incredible in full bloom.)

sweetsummer- that is such an inspiring post.

The biggest difficulties are poverty and poor housing those are miserable and not easily changed.

I totally agree with this- some people have a lot of crap going on, but for most of us our reality is in our own hands.

We can decide to be miserable or happy- we can decide if we want to put up with shit and stress.

I run a small successful business from home. It is in a creative field,

The number one thing I nurture in my business is my own emotional landscape.
If I care for myself first then everything else follows like the Midas touch.
My kids notice, my OH notices. I may grumble about a new product having slow sales- OH and DD are the first to suggest I go to the gym or a walk in the woods.
Getting my head in a good place and everything else follows so easily.
The creativity, my patience, my energy, my inspiration, my ideas, all flow from a happy spot in my soul.
When I care for that then life is a breeze.

fash that is a very glass half full way of reading this thread.

I haven't had an easy life and I used to fall into negative thinking patterns, it didn't make things better. If you can gain control of your emotional management and truly understand and challenge your negative thinking, it's easy to find the positive in what you have.

MinaPaws your advice is so lovely and empathetic. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years and am now working with a great counsellor.
When I feel like everything is shit I have to check whether it really is and change is needed, or if it is the black dog telling me it is/I am shit.

No. Mine was never that bad. Ds's never ill, no parasites, only work 3 days. But I guess I earn a lot less than OP. That's our choices, I guess.

minapaws im just the same, the things that have made me happy are the right man and the DC, again it took me ten years to find the right man, the DC came before him to an ex. I also have a creative career, though it's early days and won't ever make lots of money but that's not why I do it. The focus that is required and steady hand is intense and I always feel the final product could be better whilst my DH thinks what I make is fantastic.

It's so difficult sometimes to accept I will have depression for the rest of my life, when my life is the best it's ever been but it's no different than a physical illness that needs monitored and treated when it's flaring as such.

I have always firmly believed that everything happens for a reason and though it took years to discover reasons for the negative in my life, I did eventually understand. Those depressive episodes have meant I was able to really support my cousin when she developed depression after her first baby. I've been able to support my daughter through something she went through that I had too. I wouldn't have the depth of understanding without having experienced these things for myself. So I try to see negative events in a better light and it helps too.

I heard today of a really inspirational fun Auntie who (after her husband's death) sold her house and spent the rest of her life cruising, partying, and having fun. My friend and I agreed we want to be her when we grow up.

Mind you she didn't have children, so the joie de vivre hadn't been remorselessly sucked out of her.

Early childhood is a hard long slog.. and it does het easier.

I am a.single mother of two. I have Multiple sclerosis, epilepsy and panic disorder. I also work with teenagers who have suffered sexual abuse/neglect etc.. and each day I thank my lucky stars for the incredible good hand I've been delt.