Hi OP. I think we all have felt or feel like yourself at some point. The routine of work, kids and repeat gets most people down after a while and wondering 'is this it?'
I suffer from recurrent depression and am on AD's. Like the previous poster, I also make it my mission to pursue contentment. Not happiness as such, because happiness can be fleeting. Contentment lasts a lot longer.
It's hard in today's climate to get a good work/home balance, when a lot of people are living pay check to pay check. But sometimes for the good of your mental health, a better balance just has to be found.
My first episode of depression was all consuming and honestly, terrifying. I was a lone parent to 4dc, 2 with ASD and they were young. I also worked sometimes 50 - 60 hours a week as a manager. At one point I worked six weeks straight without a day off. I just kind of broke I suppose.
Although depression is a horrendous illness to have, I do feel it's taught me how to appreciate life and how important good mental health is.
I am married now and my DH works full time, I stay at home and sell my art work, I don't make a lot, but it still feels I am contributing. I go to Uni after the summer.
Some things that helped me:
- taking stock of my life and working out what I could do to make life less stressful. This included a better routine for myself such as making sure I ate regularly and drank enough. A better routine for my children. Changing jobs to one with less hours and making cut backs on spending to allow this.
- cutting out as many things that made me sad as possible. No more listening to sad songs. No more watching or reading the news. Removing everyone but the most important people to me from FB, so less chance of seeing horrible videos and pictures. No more horror films.
- rescuing an older dog. This obviously isn't for everyone but for me, it was a life changer. DDog was 10 when I brought him home, he is now 13 and has brought me so much happiness. Taking him for walks helps lift my mood and I use the opportunity to take photos on my phone of pretty things I see on my walk. If I am having a low day and cry, DDog just won't let me. He climbs on me and licks my face until I end up laughing.
- finding a hobby. Whilst looking for ways to calm an anxious mind, I came across mandala stones. They were so pretty, I decided I wanted to have a go making one, despite not having an artistic bone in my body. The tiny dots and patterns require a lot of focus, basically mindfulness without realising it! That hobby is now what I sell too.
- gratitude journaling. I know it seems a little cliche, but really, keeping a gratitude journal is basically a form of CBT. It teaches you to find the positives from negatives, instead of just negatives. At the end of the day, I write down the things about my day that I am thankful for and it helps life become a little brighter.
- trying to live day to day. It's so easy to start worrying about things that are months away and that just ruins the days beforehand. If I can't immediately solve something, then I don't let myself dwell on it. I remind myself that things I am worried about won't be the same things I will be worried about in say, another months time.
- reminding myself of the good things still to come, maybe. Such as my children getting married one day. Becoming a grandmother maybe. Watching and supporting my children as they go through first loves and first losses. Yes, having children can be unbelievably hard some days, but the rewards are massive. They really are.
Despite all that, there are still days where the depression wins, even with the meds I'm on to help keep it at bay. And on those days life feels cruel, I wonder what I've brought my children into, and the world is just a dark place. But I tell myself that it's just a bad day. Not a bad life.