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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel pressured to sell my inheritance

98 replies

sayerville · 24/04/2018 22:16

DD is 22, currently living at home, working until her teacher training in Spetember. She wants her independence, hates living with her dad and wants to move out, however she won't have enough student loan to live on so....I inherited my parents home and I am currently renting, I offered her this place rent free but she (understandably) doesn't want to live there. I am thinking should I sell, buy something else, let her live in it for a while then rent later, or use the rent from this to pay her rent next year or, re-mortgage the inherited property and buy something else? She is adamant she is moving in Sept but I have also said there are other costs and I don't think she could afford to run a house on a student loan. I feel somewhat pressured but we can't carry on in this situation! I just want us all to live together in harmony until he can get a job to fund herself a year from September, it would be a hell of a lot cheaper all round. Ideas please?

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 24/04/2018 23:34

Yes your op said you were renting, not that you were renting out the house. Anyway, now thats cleared up...

Youve spoke several times to your husband about his behaviour towards your daugter that you think is unacceptable but he refuses to stop. Thts bit clashing, is it. Bu clashing do you mean she stands uo for herself? What is he actually doing? What behaviour can she no longer take? What is he like with you?

GabsAlot · 24/04/2018 23:35

if your feeing some sort of guilt about your dh and her not getitng on dont its not youre job to sort it shes an adult you cant buy to make her happy

it seems youre not really listening and just want peoepl to agree to you giving her money for a house

Calaisienne · 24/04/2018 23:36

So..... he's always right and won't consider anyone else's opinion.

She has turned down two free options for housing but still wants someone to provide a third option.

They sound a spectacularly selfish pair, who suit each other. Sell your inheritance, but yourself a nice flat, move into it and leave them to it.

Original poster

sayerville · 24/04/2018 23:39

They clash over stupid things, they are both as bad as each other really I'm then accused by dh for not backing him up. Then I get resentful he makes her want to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

sayerville · 24/04/2018 23:40

Calais fantastic idea!!!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2018 23:42

Op, you will be doing your daughter no favors of you constantly try to solve all of her problems for her. You need to let her stand on her own two feet. Life isn't easy for anyone and she needs to experience that.

gingergenius · 24/04/2018 23:44

I'm 48, a single parent, have a job, three kids , a disabled child and mental health issues. And I've almost completed my first year at uni.

I also had a mortgage at 22.

Whilst we all want to do the best for our kids, I think you need to take a step back and think about whether she's doing enough to help herself?

PyongyangKipperbang · 24/04/2018 23:46

Am I reading a different thread?!

WHERE has the OP said that her DD is expecting her to provide DD with a home/money/third option?

From what I can see the DD is adamant she will manage and the OP is sure she wont so wants to provide her with a house. I dont see any of this expectation from the DD that others are going on about, the only pressure I can see is what the OP is putting on herself!

minipie · 24/04/2018 23:50

Yes fair point Pyongyang.

OP has your DD asked you to provide money towards her moving out? Or is it entirely your own idea?

BestZebbie · 24/04/2018 23:53

She'll be able to afford a room in a shared house with her student loan - that is why the majority of students live like that.

gillybeanz · 24/04/2018 23:54

If you are going to fund her it's hardly being independant.
What would she do if you didn't have the money? She'd cope like all the other students cope.

greenlynx · 24/04/2018 23:57

It looks for me that Dad is a main reason why your DD want to be out of the house otherwise she would stay. There is a bit of unfairness in it so I would help her.
You could rent out your inheritance and give her some money towards living costs. Or you could sell it and buy another one in an area which will be convenient for her to live and let her live for free some time.
The main thing is to talk through all options with her and work out rules in advance e.g. she will live for a year rent free and then move out. Give her some support but leave some responsibility to her as well.

Goshitshighuphere · 25/04/2018 08:25

She'll be able to afford a room in a shared house with her student loan - that is why the majority of students live like that.She'll be able to afford a room in a shared house with her student loan - that is why the majority of students live like that.

Actually she probably won't, that isn't how the system works. The expectation is that parents contribute and loads are based om parental income. The Op rents out a house which is now fully taxed as income. The basic loan amount for many students is not enough for rent and living even in the North. If her parents earn £30,000 the loan would be £8076 so enough to rent and live but if they earn £70,000 it would be £4054 or £60,000 it is £4331 which is not enough to pay rent even.

She will need to work or have a parental top up or use her savings from working this year.

Xenia · 25/04/2018 08:32

I couldn't quite work out if you live in the house you inherited or you rent that one out for money and live in a rented place. Anyway I would not sell anything for her. At that age they chop and change all the time. She might be off to China in a year to each or fall in love with someone in Aberdeen and move up there. She is 22 and should not be controlling what happens. At that age my 3 graduate ones came home to live. If they didnm't want to live at home I gave them advice on other options (eg you can be a guardian and live in a firestation and that kind of thing but they certainly when doing post grad could not afford to rent so it was live at home or not much other choice). She will just have to lump it and if she doesn't like her father she should keep away from him and put up with it.

BewareOfDragons · 25/04/2018 08:32

You DD can work and has a place to live. LIking it isn't the issue.

Do not sell your inheritance because she wants a higher standard of living for free. You can't borrow for your inheritance; you will need that money for your own life.

Thebluedog · 25/04/2018 08:32

She’s an adult and capable of sorting her own living arrangements out. You’ve given her several options but she’s turned these down because they don’t ‘suit’ , sorry, but boo hoo - that’s adult life for you I’m afraid!

I’m not overly keen on my house and would like to move, but guess what, I can’t afford to live in a bigger house or better area, I’m not looking to someone else to sort it out for me!

I’m all for helping out the dc, but you already have bunoffering her alternatives.. it’s her choice now!

BewareOfDragons · 25/04/2018 08:32

*retirement. You can't borrow fo ryour own retirement... which is coming a lot faster than hers! She sound spoiled.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2018 08:41

You’ve offered what you can: stay at home, or live in GP’s property. She doesn’t want either. She decides what she’s going to do in that case.

My parents didn’t house me at 22. She’s lucky you’re willing to, imo.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/04/2018 09:05

Keep the inherited property out of things. Selling it will be stressful enough without trying to fit in with you DD’s timescale and requirements. Also you will only have this inheritance once, so don’t waste it. Sell it when you have a clearer idea how it will benefit you.

As regards DD, at 22 I was in a houseshare, certainly not my own house. Your DD needs to rein in her expectations a bit!

Member984815 · 25/04/2018 09:12

Let her stand on her own two feet, you offered her a place to live rent free and she turned it down . Don't sell your inheritance that's yours . I'd never expect my parents to pay for a place for me .

applesisapple5 · 25/04/2018 09:22

You don't say how you feel about the current situation, but I'm sure it's quite stressful and that's why you're looking for a solution; for yourself as well as DD.
Sounds like the main concern is that DD moves out then gets into debt and needs help anyway, but that might not happen, or is that almost inevitable, and can you plan for that without selling the inherited house?
Also she'll only be struggling financially for the academic year, that's not a full 12 months and will go quickly, especially if it's her final year as that's generally shorter.
Do you trust that your DD can budget correctly? I'm sure she can manage a basic household budget at 22 if she's training to be a teacher.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/04/2018 11:36

Do you rent out the inherited house? Can you give her that rent as an allowance during her study year then she can live and you get to keep the house?

Though. .. emotionally it might be better to sell the house and by an investment property that you intend to keep long term as an income for yourself.

In the future, if you wanted to give DD a deposit for a house, you could either mortgage or sell again and downsize.

stateschool · 25/04/2018 11:40

She's a grown woman, I wouldn't be putting up with this from her. You've offered her rent free accommodation if she doesn't want it then she can go and find a flatshare and manage that and her finances. Sounds like she has some growing up to do. If she wants independence then she can go and get it.
She won't mature and be independent if you keep paying her way in life.

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