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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU insensitive comment from friend.

77 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 24/04/2018 19:45

Hi
I was wondering if anyone could make me see if I am being a bit over sensitive.

Bit of background
2 children at home 10 and 5.

5 year old has complex needs quite poorly.
10 year old healthy.

3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks to a baby girl.
It's been a hard long few weeks and I am a little mentally drained.

Last night daughters feeding pump was alarming a lot and I said to a friend about it as it driving me crazy.
She replied with " oh don't know what to suggest "

I eventually got some sleep. No more messages between us until 9.30 this morning when I got a message that said

" don't think you would of coped with another baby with daughters name seriously"

I haven't replied I don't even know what to reply !

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/04/2018 19:46

Fucking hell, that's a terrible thing for her to say. If you want to continue the friendship I'd probably say something like, "Did you really write that to me?" - make her think about it.

Flowers
ManicPixieDream · 24/04/2018 19:46

How insensitive of your friend.

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

JordanMcDeere · 24/04/2018 19:47

She's not a friend, OP

DuchyDuke · 24/04/2018 19:48

She’s a friend, presumably a good one if you tell her things that go on at home and about your miscarriags, only you know how she meant that text. I would suggest don’t let the grief cloud your good judgement; it’s very easy to take everything personally right now. Be stronger than that!

Tistheseason17 · 24/04/2018 19:48

Gosh, her text is bang out of order. Is she missing a sensitivity chip? Is she always like this or is it an out of character message?

Clarence123 · 24/04/2018 19:48

This is very insensitive and you are right to be upset ..sending hugs and best wishes for your recent loss

KurriKurri · 24/04/2018 19:50

I'd reply 'what a hideous thing to say' and keep my distance until she apologises (or not in which case you are well rid)

fizzymama · 24/04/2018 19:50

Not a very nice friend. Agree with PP my reply would be did you really mean to send me this message?
So sorry for your loss, take care of yourself Flowers

Ellendegeneres · 24/04/2018 19:53

What a cunt. I don’t use that word too often, but this person isn’t a friend. How bloody awful.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you’ve got a good support system for you and your family

NWQM · 24/04/2018 19:53

Oh OP you have so much going on right now. Sending a virtual hug as it doesn't sound as if this friend is being there for you right now. I'd have been upset by both texts if the first was all she said. I'm guessing you were not looking for her to solve the problem but to be there for you. If she is a good friend though I assume that this is out of character. Let her know if you feel strong enough that you are indeed upset and you may find out her own back story but if not try and ignore for now.

MakeItRain · 24/04/2018 19:55

That's unbelievably awful. What a horrible thing to say to you. Miscarriages are devastating Flowers It's left me speechless. I don't think I would bother with a reply.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/04/2018 19:56

I'm so sorry you lost your baby OP. Your friend was totally heartless. Is she normally so unthoughtful?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/04/2018 19:58

God she didn’t think there did she

But forgive if you can . She sounds like a good if thoughtless friend and sometimes people say what’s on their mind without thinking first

Sorry for the MC

Nonibaloni · 24/04/2018 19:59

What a terrible thing to say. I have no idea how to reply to that to be honest.

I didn’t know what to say to dm when she suggested ivf with genetic testing so any future kid doesn’t have the same genetic condition as ds. Condition is limiting but doesn’t reduce life expectancy or cause pain or anything. What your friend said was worse.

I am sure caring for your daughter is hard work but some people’s attitude to disabled children is horrible.

Notevilstepmother · 24/04/2018 19:59

I do think it was an insensitive text. I completely understand why you are upset. However I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she was trying to make you feel better and got it very wrong. It seems to me like she is worried about you.

2andcountingtodate · 24/04/2018 20:02

So she doesnt care about your childs needs. She minimises, is insensitive and worse than flippant about the loss of your baby.

Is she a friend?

Doesnt sound that way. Id send back

Your comment was beyond crass and insensitive. Not only only have you insulted my daughter, youve insulted my grief and the loss of my youngest daughter. You have really upset me, dont contact me again

2andcountingtodate · 24/04/2018 20:02

Im so sorry for your loss Flowers

2andcountingtodate · 24/04/2018 20:05

Im not sure why anyone is sure she was a good friend previously, there is nothing to suggest it in the OP and she has been a royal shit here.

Is she normally good OP?

dudsville · 24/04/2018 20:07

What pps have said op. I'm so sorry.

dudsville · 24/04/2018 20:08

Oh and I say that having been there. I have not seen the idiot since. I also did not give her the reason. She wasn't deserving.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 24/04/2018 20:08

Erm so she does sometimes speak before she thinks and a bit forward ( she has on occasions upset some of our other friends, actually normally about comments aimed at me )
But she has also been a helpful friend and got me out of a sticky situation.
I will admit though I do normally defend her and explain about her ways.
So maybe I am being unreasonable but this one seemed different and really took me back.
Also it was so out of the blue like there wasn't a conversation leading up to it just a random straight message hours and hours after a couple of texts.

OP posts:
seven201 · 24/04/2018 20:09

Why the hell would she ever think that's an ok thing to say?! So so insensitive and mean too. I'm sorry for your loss.

WhiteBobbles · 24/04/2018 20:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's not an insensitive comment- it's out and out appalling. Please cut her off she sounds like a prize bitch.

trueblueari · 24/04/2018 20:14

Agree with PP who said to just say "what a hideous thing to say" and keep your distance. I'd also add "I can't believe you thought that was okay."
If she's upset other people with comments about you she sounds like a bully. A particularly vile one given that comment.

geekymommy · 24/04/2018 20:16

Ugh!

What do you think would happen if you told her that her comment upset you? If you think she would apologize and try not to say stuff like that in the future, then she might be worth keeping as a friend. If you think she would double down and try to justify what she said, then cut her off.