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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU insensitive comment from friend.

77 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 24/04/2018 19:45

Hi
I was wondering if anyone could make me see if I am being a bit over sensitive.

Bit of background
2 children at home 10 and 5.

5 year old has complex needs quite poorly.
10 year old healthy.

3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks to a baby girl.
It's been a hard long few weeks and I am a little mentally drained.

Last night daughters feeding pump was alarming a lot and I said to a friend about it as it driving me crazy.
She replied with " oh don't know what to suggest "

I eventually got some sleep. No more messages between us until 9.30 this morning when I got a message that said

" don't think you would of coped with another baby with daughters name seriously"

I haven't replied I don't even know what to reply !

OP posts:
Petitepamplemousse · 24/04/2018 20:17

To be honest I wouldn’t even reply. It’s up to you, of course, but I’d just never speak to her again.

littlecabbage · 24/04/2018 20:23

I guess she didn’t mean it to be such a harsh comment if she is otherwise a supportive friend, so I wouldn't cut her off.

However, it was an incredibly hurtful and upsetting comment, and you have every right to be upset and offended. I would try and have a conversation with your friend to explain how you feel about what she said. If she is truly a good friend, she will accept the criticism and apologise, then hopefully your friendship can move on.

I’m so sorry that you lost your baby girl Flowers

Bramble71 · 24/04/2018 20:25

It does seem a hugely insensitive comment, for more reasons than one. I'd call her out on it, with something like 'I found that comment really upsetting and am surprised that you said it' then leaving it at that. See what she comes back with.

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss, OP. This comment was the last thing you need. Sending a virtual hug.

pictish · 24/04/2018 20:27

I imagine it was a clumsy, ill-conceived attempt to provide a silver lining to your sad cloud. I think it’s meant to convey ‘blessing in disguise’ sentiments. I agree it comes across badly though. Send a reply saying, “What the living fuck do you mean by that?!”
Then wait.

Gemini69 · 24/04/2018 20:29

she does sometimes speak before she thinks and a bit forward

I'm sorry but that's bullshit... this goes way deeper than speaking before thinking...Hmm

She gets away with this CRAP because people allow her to get away with it and put it down to 'oh it's just how she is' ...well Fuck that... she's a selfish insensitive witch and you need to tell her how deep painful those comments were.. she is seriously twisted OP and should not be allowed to get away with this any more ...

as others have said.. She is no friend lovely... you take care Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2018 20:29

That is beyond shocking.

You sound like superwoman OP and I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking.

She’s a stone cold bitch. I cannot imagine what would motivate someone to say something so cruel and heartless.

I couldn’t forgive it.

SandAndSea · 24/04/2018 20:31

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

bbcessex · 24/04/2018 20:34

Yes.. terrible thing to say, but would she have had unkind intent? Only you know...

Shufflebumnessie · 24/04/2018 20:35

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. That was an absolutely awful, insensitive message to send you - a true friend would never voice such a horrible statement. Personally I'd be keeping my distance.

2andcountingtodate · 24/04/2018 20:41

If you find yourself having to often defend her and listen to her making rude comments about you...is a sticky situation all she helps with? Because this doesnt sound like a friend but a bully.

Lalliella · 24/04/2018 20:41

I agree with PPs who’ve said it is very insensitive of her. But I don’t think you should cut her off or send a confrontational text back. There’s a small chance she didn’t mean to be so insensitive and just got it really really wrong. I’d text back “That has really upset me” and then see what happens next. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Caribou58 · 24/04/2018 20:43

She said this - on the basis of your remarking that the feeding pump technical problem was driving you crazy.

Jeez...what a deeply unpleasant, unhelpful and unsympathetic person she is.

Twoo · 24/04/2018 20:44

What a twunt you4 Friend is. I’m angry 😠 on your behalf!

Sorry for your loss & daughter Sad

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 20:45

Texts are like emails, there's no tone etc and they are very easy misread.

Maybe she didn't mean to say it as it's been taken but was meaning that you seemed to be struggling with life at the moment without extra pressure.

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/04/2018 20:51

People often suffer with foot in gob syndrome. W e all do it from time to time. Only you know whether there was a malice meant or whether you friend was displaying an ineptness to say 'you've got so much on your plate, another child would have stretched you so far you'd be broken'.

People just splurt out platitudes in grief it was for the best/he was a good age/time heals and miscarriages have their own set of similar platitudes (which I wont expand on, I'm sure you've heard them all )

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/04/2018 20:54

Fair play for trying to give her the benefit of the doubt BoxsetsAndPopcorn but there really is no way that “it’s a good thing you baby died” is acceptable. What a thing to wake up to Sad

rinabean · 24/04/2018 20:56

She said that because she feels badly for you. She feels badly that you are struggling and that you had a miscarriage. That idea, that somehow there was a silver lining, made her feel better. It also made you feel a lot worse. I don't think she would have said it or thought it if she didn't care about you. However only you can decide if you can forgive it.

I don't think it's possible to be oversensitive about a bereavement after only 3 weeks. But I don't think she was trying to upset you either. As I said no-one can decide whether or not you can forgive her but you.

JustHappy3 · 24/04/2018 21:00

What she said was awful - but a huge amount of people say things like this in a genuine belief they are helping. When you are emotionally exhausted it's very hard to forgive. Tell her you are so very hurt.

rcat · 24/04/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2018 21:09

You say she blurts things out without thinking. I also think it was a misguided attempt to comfort you and try to help you think of the miscarriage as a blessing in disguise.

PoorYorick · 24/04/2018 21:12

If she'd said it as soon as you had mentioned the alarm driving you mad, I'd be tempted to put it down to speaking before thinking. Given that she seems to have slept on it first, that's very very weird. If she's usually lovely, I don't see what harm it would do to tell her gently that you found it upsetting.

Viviennemary · 24/04/2018 21:21

That was a dreadful thing for her to say at such a time. I agree that you should say to her I can't believe you thought it was OK to make such a hurtful remark. YANBU to be upset about this but if she's generally helpful it's not worth falling out completely over but she should be told to think before she speaks.

BrownEyedGirlv2point0 · 24/04/2018 21:23

I'd be done with her especially if she's prone to saying stuff like that. The last thing you need on top of everything you're dealing with is to hear those comments.

Crunchymum · 24/04/2018 21:33

I'm 3 months in to feeding a baby with a rare genetic condition (she isn't able to take a feed orally! Incidentally we've just started to use a pump but God it's gruelling). If any friend of mine made any kind of disparaging comment about my DD, they would be history. Given your recent and very late loss then I think your "friend" is a complete cunt.

Please get rid. And tell her what a nasty person she is.

buckleten · 24/04/2018 21:42

It was a very insensitive thing to say! However, She may have been trying to make you feel a bit better in her own way, and not realise just how hurtful it was. Often people don't realise just what an impact something like a miscarriage can have if they have never experienced it first hand. Not trying to excuse her, but maybe talk to her and explain how she made you feel..