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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU insensitive comment from friend.

77 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 24/04/2018 19:45

Hi
I was wondering if anyone could make me see if I am being a bit over sensitive.

Bit of background
2 children at home 10 and 5.

5 year old has complex needs quite poorly.
10 year old healthy.

3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks to a baby girl.
It's been a hard long few weeks and I am a little mentally drained.

Last night daughters feeding pump was alarming a lot and I said to a friend about it as it driving me crazy.
She replied with " oh don't know what to suggest "

I eventually got some sleep. No more messages between us until 9.30 this morning when I got a message that said

" don't think you would of coped with another baby with daughters name seriously"

I haven't replied I don't even know what to reply !

OP posts:
Daifuku9 · 24/04/2018 21:50

I’m so sorry for your loss.

In regard to this “friend,” I don’t think she gets a pass just because she has a habit of “speaking before thinking.” Especially in the case when you can see your thought as it’s typed out, and still be okay with pressing send. Nor does it seem that’ it’s a fumble in trying to comfort you.

In fact, that that thought was on her mind about you says a lot to me about what kind of person she is.

Eatalot · 24/04/2018 22:24

Sorry for your loss op. There is a fine line between someone who 'speaks their mind' and someone who is a cunt that enjoys making others feel like shit. Your friend is the latter. Call her out.

MrsTommyBanks · 24/04/2018 23:16

*She said that because she feels badly for you. She feels badly that you are struggling and that you had a miscarriage. That idea, that somehow there was a silver lining, made her feel better. It also made you feel a lot worse. I don't think she would have said it or thought it if she didn't care about you. However only you can decide if you can forgive it.

I don't think it's possible to be oversensitive about a bereavement after only 3 weeks. But I don't think she was trying to upset you either. As I said no-one can decide whether or not you can forgive her but you.*

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Tink06 · 24/04/2018 23:19

If this was blurted out verbally without thought maybe it could possibly be forgivable but this was sent by text a few hours after yours which allowed her time to think about it.
She isn't your friend op. It's a terrible thing to text.

MrsCrabbyTree · 25/04/2018 00:36

My thoughts align with Tink06.

Blurting out something insensitive verbally is one thing, typing the words is a conscious effort. This person needs to take some empathy lessons quick !!

Motoko · 25/04/2018 01:18

I've sometimes not received texts until a few hours after they were sent, could that be what happened here, rather than her waking up and then sending the text?

Such a hurtful thing to say though. I'm not sure what you should do about her, although I do think you should tell her how much it hurt and how insensitive it was.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Flowers

MadamGrumps · 25/04/2018 01:46

I can't believe a friend could be so cruel to say that!

Was the situation she helped you with years ago and you still feel the need to overlook her behaviour? If so I think there's a point you can stop-the upsetting others and you sticking up for her is enough. What did she say?

I would reply "do you realise how hurtful that is?" If she apologises but still tries to justify it I wouldn't be able to continue being friends.

What did you reply op? I'm sorry for your loss.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/04/2018 07:17

Does everyone dump loyal friends in the basis of one misguided comment ?

She hurt you and you need to tell her

But people fuck up . All the time
And she needs to be told so she doesn’t do it again . But to go NC for one thoughtless text ????

immortalmarble · 25/04/2018 07:21

At 18 weeks I think that’s more of a stillbirth, whatever the law says.

I am a very forgiving person but I am surprised st the number of people saying she didn’t mean it. Even if she didn’t, there comes a point where insensitivity tips over into downright cruelty. This is such an example. I don’t think I could continue this friendship. I’m sorry, OP Flowers

bentcopper · 25/04/2018 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fruitbat1980 · 25/04/2018 07:25

Wow. So sorry for your loss.
Yanbu She is not a friend. Friends don’t say things like that. Not even accidentally. Ever.

immortalmarble · 25/04/2018 07:56

“Valid point” Shock

mostdays · 25/04/2018 08:35

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, topsy Flowers.
Your 'friend' and anyone else who think it's appropriate to make comments like that should take a long hard look at themselves.

Sleepyblueocean · 25/04/2018 08:53

It is never ok to tell someone it was a good thing/ for the best that their child didn't live and although I lost mine years ago I still remember the few that said it.
If this person has other than this been a good friend I would tell them that they have really upset you and see how they respond. Otherwise I would walk away.

Gemini69 · 25/04/2018 10:56

how is the OP... Flowers

fairylightsdown · 25/04/2018 11:29

I didn't read that as malice. I read it as someone who is clutching at straws trying to make you feel better, but not thinking it through.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 25/04/2018 12:01

" valid point "
That is just not true.

My partner is an amazing dad we are a great team and things ok sometimes can be stressful when youngest is very poorly at times but it is no difference to how we have to work it round the eldest.

He works full time, I stay at home for now doing the occasional bank shift.
Eldest is at school every day and on time and youngest makes all her appointments and therapies on time.
We are a happy family and love eachother so have no idea where the assumption " we wouldn't cope " comes from.

OP posts:
Hygge · 25/04/2018 17:11

OP I am very sorry for your loss. Flowers

We lost our first child at some point between 18-22 weeks, and although officially our loss is described as a late missed miscarriage because it happened just before 24 weeks, I feel more realistically it should be called a stillbirth. I had a nine hour labour after being induced, and our son has a name, had a funeral service, and a grave.

I'm explaining this only because I don't think people realise what you may have been through during your loss.

Your friend was insensitive and awful really. No matter what she intended (and I can't see how she thought what she said was in any way comforting) she's said a terrible thing and hurt your feelings.

I was involved in a discussion this week about the things people say to people who are grieving, and every single woman who had lost a baby at any point in her pregnancy said that they had had some form of "It was for the best" said to them.

And for every single one of us, it was one of the most hurtful comments, along with "you can have another one", "at least you've already got another one", "everything happens for a reason" and "this wasn't the baby you were meant to have."

People who repeatedly speak before they think need to learn to keep their mouths shut and their brains in gear.

It's not an excuse to say they speak before they think. If they make a habit of it then they need to work on not doing it.

Especially if they are implying that anybody is better off without one of their children.

She had plenty of time to rethink that comment because she actually wrote it down and sent it by text.

Have you decided whether or not to reply?

Bearfrills · 26/04/2018 13:40

Valid point but not the right time to say it.

Oh go fuck yourself with a splintery broomhandle, you absolute witch. It is never a valid point to imply that it's a good thing someone lost their baby Angry

OP, I had a missed miscarriage a few years ago at a slightly earlier gestation (16wks) and I found the whole thing quite traumatic physically and also emotionally. My washing machine broke around two weeks afterwards and it tipped me over the edge, sat on the kitchen floor for ages sobbing and calling it a cunt, I can understand exactly how you felt about the feeding pump acting up. It's one more hassle on top of a load of hassle. There are no words to describe what a shitty, horrible loss miscarriage is and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

What your friend said is horrible and I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. Going in all guns blazing and calling her out for it may not be the best course of action right now, if it was me I'd keep my distance for a bit, don't seek her out, and then see how you feel towards her. If you still want to continue the friendship or if you want to let her know what a hurtful thing she said.

T2517 · 26/04/2018 14:34

My mouth actually dropped open when I read what your friend said. OP I hope you are feeling okay as far as possibly, what a horrible time. A completely insensitive, clueless “friend” you have there

willynillypie · 26/04/2018 15:20

OP I am very sorry for your loss. And Hygge and Bearfrills. Very brave women.

I would let your friend know how deeply her comment hurt you, and see what she says.

EyepatchOfTravis · 26/04/2018 16:07

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

It strikes me that the previous text she sent you was "I don't know what to suggest".

Some people, when they don't know what to say feel they have to say something - and end up coming up with something really crass.

You have more insight into your friend as you know her. As a snapshot it's not great, but you have more context. It sounds to me like a clumsy and utterly inappropriate attempt to say something "supportive". You are perfectly within your rights to feel upset though and to tell her how much this has hurt you. I am not going to say end the friendship, as that may not be appropriate - but would also say that you are under no obligation to continue a friendship if that friendship hurts you.

RoundaboutSnail · 26/04/2018 16:48

Perhaps reply saying "Are you suggesting losing my baby was a good thing? If so do you have any idea how hurtful that is?"

If she is horrified at how it came across and very apologetic, she's a friend.

If she tries to minimise or deny your valid feelings, she isn't.

2andcountingtodate · 26/04/2018 17:03

I think it says a lot about a person when they make comments like this, especially when they make other unpleasant comments about OP which others challenge her on.

Ignore the valid point nastiness, it says a lot more about them then anything else. Disgraceful.

Erm so she does sometimes speak before she thinks and a bit forward ( she has on occasions upset some of our other friends, actually normally about comments aimed at me

Astella22 · 26/04/2018 18:02

I had a friend like this OP, she will eventually drain you of all goodwill. By all means stay friends but make it very clean to her that she was rude(fucking awful actually) and ask her to apologise so then the ball is in her court so to speak.
So sorry for your loss OP