To not want to work?

[Mamabear1475]

And to not understand why I'm being judged on it?
I worked full time before I gave birth. 7am until 10pm. I'm still on maternity leave but really don't want to go back. I love being at home. I want to be with my baby. We can afford for me not to work. It would be a waste of time working anyway as all of it would go on childcare. So I'm just working to pay for something I could just do myself. I worked in my job for almost 8 years so I have lots of experience and qualifications if I did need to go back to work
But apparently I'm throwing my life away to stay at home and do nothing. This is from friends/family. I don't see it as doing nothing when you have a baby to look after though

I can imagine a brain surgeon, nurse, teacher, fire fighter etc saying that being home doing nothing all day was so much harder than work.

My friendship circle includes a surgeon, a GP, a solicitor & 2 teachers. We think kids are harder! I actually really enjoy work & wrongly or rightly it is part of my identity. I would consider being at home all the time if I could also pay for childcare & a nanny 🤣.

Today I found out a member of my team is leaving & I was thinking it’s a great job for a local mum. One thing that would boost a candidates chances is that by already being in work I know they can juggle the two.

What pp said. I'm a solicitor and I've worked crazy hours, I've been sent home in a taxi because I'd collapsed from over work... and I have never, ever done anything as hard, exhausting or as stressful as maternity leave. I go to work to have a break, a rest and clear my head. I honestly don't think anything other than the most brutal manual labour (like working in a mine or similar) is as hard as being a SAHM and I absolutely respect anyone who can do it. I can't.

I went back into full time teaching when DS was 5 1/2 months old and I can safely say that it was a lot easier than being at home with him.

DS was always a demanding baby who slept very little and needed constant stimulation or he would whinee and fuss. Being at home with him was not rewarding and was extremely hard work. Returning to work was such a relief.

DD, on the other hand, was a very contented and easy baby. Maternity leave with her was heaven.

I have recently become a SAHM now the kids are 11 and 8 and that is definitely an easy life!

See how you feel after the first 12 months I couldn't wait to go back ....Be it very part time

I planned to take 6 weeks off with my first.

I still haven't made it back 20 years later!

Society values mine and my DH's work very differently, but we don't. Hence, he makes very good money and I don't, but we share everything. We did the same when I was a SAHM. It's bizarre to apply these values to someone's role in the family, like some of your seem to be doing. Just because someone doesn't earn money doesn't mean they're not doing something important or worthwhile.

Liberal feminism really sold us a lie.

I was a sahm for 9 years and I wouldn't change it. Don't assume you will walk straight back into the job that you want after a prolonged period off though. I too have qualifications, skills and experience and am currently working as a dinner lady because I couldn't even get an interview for anything else. I'm bored and earning shit money whilst trying to stay motivated to fill out application forms.

I don’t pretend to understand people who chose not to work but I don’t judge them

If you want to, can afford it, your Dh supports then go for it & enjoy it! If u hate it after a yr r two sounds like u could get back in. I was home for 14 months with dd2 I loved it, dh loved it as there was no stress of sick kids, rushing around for drop offs n pick ups, house was never so organised! dinner cooked every week night. My older two kids loved not having to go to after school n I had more time to help them with homework. (they get hw daily) I went back part time but would love redundancy. (company does rounds of redundancy every couple years I've been there 20 yrs so hanging in there)

Of course staying at home isn’t setting a bad example! Wow!

I grew up and both my parents worked. I had an amazing career but stopped work two years ago as my DH works away often without much notice. I was working 50hrs in a senior position and managing school pick ups/sickness/holidays was a serious PITA. DH had the potential to earn way more than me so I left to allow him the chance to dedicate more time to his business. Our life is so much happier and balanced and it doesn’t come down to gender at all. It’s about teamwork and assigning necessary tasks to the person best placed to do it. Before I ‘gave’ up, my DH did most of the school runs and when they were younger he worked PT so they didn’t have to be in childcare FT. At that point I was earning more so made sense for me to work FT.

You’ll set a good example by doing right by all of you as a family. Ignore those who want to bring you down by judging your choices.

Oh and as far as finances, we share one bank account and have separate, equal savings. If we need/want anything, we just ok with each other. It’s a team effort all round.

OP - If you and your husband have children it's up to the pair of you to decide how best to organise yourselves in terms of looking after them and finances.

What other people do or think is totally irrelevant.

Would you tell a solicitor she "should" be a nurse? Would you tell a nurse she "should" be a fashion designer? No you would not because it's ridiculous. Why people think it's open season when it comes to SAHMs is beyond me.

As always, these debates say more about those who "can't understand" or "I'm not judging BUT" than anything else.

Don't let their insecurities influence you!

Wanting to look after your own children is the most natural instinct in the world - or did we forget that somewhere along the way? Always has been and always will be. Do what you want and go with your instincts.

I had two spells of giving up work whilst our DCs were growing up.A period of a few years when they were tiny.And then returned out of necessity when DH lost his business due to recession.However after 10 years I gave up again when they were teenagers.3 close together with all their activities ,exams etc and feeling worn down by a demanding job ,and DH fortunately earning relatively well again I really didn't care what anyone else thought or said.It felt right for our family,and I've never regretted it and count myself lucky to have had the choice.We could have earned more between us undoubtedly,and had more exotic holidays etc but I valued time more.DH would have done the same had I been the higher earner.
It also led to me starting my own succesful business eventually ,which I'm still running now DCs are adults. Something I don't think would ever have happened had I not had the breathing space,and those years away from my original career.I think I set a pretty good example to my DCs actually.And have enjoyed the variety of SAHM /part /full time work and then self-employed.Go for it if it feels right for your family.

If you can afford it and DH is ok with it, don’t go back.

I had to go back after 7 months and hate it.

You can always do a course in something later down the line prior to job searching to show your eagerness to get back into it!

My life and career have taken so many twists and turns- it has been quite an adventure.

Sticking to that straight narrow path, planning for retirement, nice and safe, no risks isn't for all of us.

Sometimes is just jumping into that field of daisies than means we end up in the most interesting places.
A leap of faith, following our heart.

The bad things that blindside us in life are the ones we don't see coming.

I want to live a little before I die.

I find "safe " options a little dull.

It would be a waste of time working anyway as all of it would go on childcare.
This is the key point. If you're going to be no better off then you might as well stay at home if that's what you'd prefer.

My SIL earns in the £50k bracket so after tax/transport/childcare she still has about £25k in her pocket. My job used to pay barely more than min wage but obviously I have the same expenses as her, so I'd be left with about £2k in my pocket. £2k better off for working for an entire year while strangers raise my child... pointless. Then DH moans that his sister went back to work and contributes to her family but I don't, and the in-laws are unimpressed by their son having to support me. It doesn't occur to them that the reason SIL works is because it's worthwhile for her to do so!

Obviously childcare costs less when the kids go to school so working would be more worthwhile. I can see why a higher paid person who doesn't want to lose their career progress might go straight back to work. But for someone like me who has no career to lose, working is pointless.