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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to work?

90 replies

Mamabear1475 · 24/04/2018 17:05

And to not understand why I'm being judged on it?
I worked full time before I gave birth. 7am until 10pm. I'm still on maternity leave but really don't want to go back. I love being at home. I want to be with my baby. We can afford for me not to work. It would be a waste of time working anyway as all of it would go on childcare. So I'm just working to pay for something I could just do myself. I worked in my job for almost 8 years so I have lots of experience and qualifications if I did need to go back to work
But apparently I'm throwing my life away to stay at home and do nothing. This is from friends/family. I don't see it as doing nothing when you have a baby to look after though

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamabear1475 · 24/04/2018 18:09

I should have said I don't plan on not working indefinetly. Just until dd goes to school so 3-4 years at the most. I really don't see how I would be setting a bad example for her for spending time with her when she is little

OP posts:

speakout · 24/04/2018 18:10

TheHonGalahadThreepwood well said.

It's quite disgusting that only working women set a good example.

What about women who have to care for others? Or people who have kids with chronic health conditions- do they set a bad example?

Chinesecrested · 24/04/2018 18:11

Go back to work when you're ready. It might be after 3 months, 6 months, a year or more? Just because you don't want to go back yet, the option is always there to change your mind at a later stage. It may be more difficult, but there's no hurry if your OH can manage financially atm

coffeeforone · 24/04/2018 18:11

But apparently I'm throwing my life away to stay at home and do nothing.

I 100% agree with those who say it’s more difficult to stay at home with a baby/toddler than go to work. You will certainly not be doing nothing!

pointythings · 24/04/2018 18:15

If you are financially safe and not entirely dependent on your DH, go for it. But it has to be mutually agreed, including when you plan to return to work.

Personally I wouldn't do it, but I've seen two of my friends - married, H encouraged them to stay home - get utterly shafted when their H found an OW and dumped them. But that is the chance you take.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 18:15

I 100%agree with those who say it’s more difficult to stay at home with a baby/toddler than go to work

only if you had a job where you didn't do much work. I can imagine a brain surgeon, nurse, teacher, fire fighter etc saying that being home doing nothing all day was so much harder than work.

coffeeforone · 24/04/2018 18:16

It also sounds like you and your OH have a good attitude to joint money, so as long as his income is enough to support you all, I wouldn’t worry about financial independence.

Assuming you are confident your relationship is rock solid that is

coffeeforone · 24/04/2018 18:21

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn that’s just my opinion of course!

I work full time and my job is my no means easy. I have close friends who are doctors. teachers and nurses who also say their jobs are easier that the time they are at home, going to work is ‘a break’ especially those with two or more under 5’s.

Some jobs yes, but I don’t think the OP is a brain surgeon given her salary would only just cover childcare.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/04/2018 18:24

You worked 7am-10pm? You're clearly uncomfortable with your decision if you're making shit up to justify it. Be happy in yourself and stop worrying what other people think.

Original poster

Mamabear1475 · 24/04/2018 18:25

Yes I did work 7am - 10pm. Because I chose to. I had no children and dh worked until midnight anyway so why not work for more money

OP posts:

TERFousBreakdown · 24/04/2018 18:25

You're clearly uncomfortable with your decision if you're making shit up to justify it.

Not unrealistic in certain professions, actually. It took me and all my peers several years of that to make managerial rank.

swingofthings · 24/04/2018 18:28

I should have said I don't plan on not working indefinetly. Just until dd goes to school so 3-4 years at the most
You don't think you'll want another child? And if you don't want to work now, why would you in 3 years time? You won't want to work then either because you'll want to be able to take your child to school and pick him up, you'll want to be able to go on school trips, be able to attend their nativity play, sport day etc...

So you'll want to go back to work, but part-time, with flexible hours, expect that at that point, you are much less likely to find a job from the onset prepared to offer that level of flexibility.

If you don't want to work, that's absolutely fine, you don't need to justify to others or to yourself that you'll go back in a few years time. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

fontofnoknowledge · 24/04/2018 18:38

Despite not answering a number of posters who have asked if you are married, you have now referred to a DH. Therefore assume you are married. Therefore as long as he is happy with the stress of being sole breadwinner, then there is no reason not to crack on as you wish.

feral · 24/04/2018 18:40

I wish I could afford to stay at home.

So how very lovely for you.

Why do you need mumsnet permission.

These threads really piss me off.

Gottagetmoving · 24/04/2018 19:03

I agree. It tells them that if they are a boy they will be expected to work regardless as not only will they need to fund themselves but have to provide for a wife as well as she cat possible be expected to work and parent. It tells girls that there is little point in education as you'll only be home with children anyway.The OP can't afford it, she's relying on somebody else to fund her period of unemployment

It does no such thing. Children don't blindly follow what their parents do or don't do. Education isn't wasted by looking after your own children and as for 'relying on someone else' financially, that's called being parents and relying on and supporting each other.
It's about choices and it seems to me your take on it offers no choice.
That view is so cold and robotic. We seem to be caught up in a world where it's frowned on to want to spend your time looking after your own child.
Someone has to do it so why the fuck can't it be the child's own mother?

gamerwidow · 24/04/2018 19:08

There is nothing wrong with being a sahm if that is what is right for you and your family. Don't think your 8 years experience will count for much after your career break though. As long as you give up work with your eyes open to the risk it's up to you what you do.

DuchyDuke · 24/04/2018 19:31

It’s you and your DH’s decision whether your staying at home is the right one for your family, nobody else’s. But don’t say it’s because you don’t want to work; I’m sure if you had a fulfilling and job that was flexible and you didn’t burn yourself out with 7am-10pm days you would have found a way to make working parenthood work!

DuchyDuke · 24/04/2018 19:33

I agree with @gamerwidow. Need at least 10 years relevant work experience to be able to walk straight into the same level / salary after a career break. But lots of companies now offer return to work schemes (similar to grad schemes). But that’s not the point here; I’m sure even if you couldn’t return to work you would still stay at home, because it’s the right decision for you right now.

SweetSummerchild · 24/04/2018 19:36

Also don't think you are setting a great example to your children

Another one here calling bullshit on this one. If your family finances are managed right, it can serve as a good example to your children.

It shows that money is earned for the benefit of the family and not just for the earner and then shared with the rest of the family grudgingly. Despite education, pay and disability equality and all the other bullshit it is very possible that any couple end up earning very dissimilar amounts of money. What if a child has a disability and needs a carer? What if one parent develops a disability and can only work very part time or not at all? Should the ‘higher earner’ get to keep all their lovely money while their partner ends up taking out loans to buy her family Christmas presents?

I’m so glad I was brought up in a household where one parent didn’t resent the ‘financial burden’ of having a spouse who was not earning. It ingrained in me a very firm expectation that a couple’s earned money belonged to the couple and not one individual. I would never have married someone who thought differently.

There was a time when I was the higher earner. There was a time when DH and I earned broadly the same. Now I earn nothing but receive a small disability pension. Thank God my husband doesn’t sit there making me account for every penny I spend on myself or our kids whilst deciding what toys to buy with his bonus.

ChinnyReckon1 · 24/04/2018 19:39

Do what's right for you if it's financially viable.

I don't think most people would care. Unless you start saying that being a SAHM is your job and you work just as hard as bla bla bla.

That tends to piss people off

cantlivewithoutcoffee · 24/04/2018 19:51

Someone will criticise you no matter what you do. It seems as mothers, we can't do right at all and the nasty comment about not setting a good example if you're at home proves that.

Do what is best for you and your circumstances but don't underestimate how tough it is to get back into work after a break of a few years. I'm a professional and in a profession where my skills are sought after but interviewing for a new post at the end of mat leave was tough. That was only one year out and I had done some KIT days in that time.

Like you, I also worked pretty long hours in the early stages of my career and wanted to take a step back post children but I'm so glad I am still working. I only work 2-3 days each week so am at home more than at work but it keeps my skills upto date and my cv busy. I don't know if anything like that is an option for you but I would advise considering it if it is.

ConciseandNice · 24/04/2018 19:56

I took 5 years out when our eldest daughter was born. I don’t regret it for an instant. It was a bloody joy and although I love my job and have a great (if demanding) career now, I’m jealous of this option.

Strigiformes · 24/04/2018 20:02

Hi op, are you married? If you then are definitely go for it. If you aren't married I wouldn't give up work. Far too risky.

RemainOptimistic · 24/04/2018 20:20

You are going to get judgemental comments no matter what you do OP. In any aspect of being a parent.

Make your peace with that and crack on

happypoobum · 24/04/2018 21:52

Yes I did work 7am - 10pm. Because I chose to. I had no children and dh worked until midnight anyway so why not work for more money

When was this OP? Because just recently you said you work 9 - 2, and you also have an older DS don't you?

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