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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work?

90 replies

Mamabear1475 · 24/04/2018 17:05

And to not understand why I'm being judged on it?
I worked full time before I gave birth. 7am until 10pm. I'm still on maternity leave but really don't want to go back. I love being at home. I want to be with my baby. We can afford for me not to work. It would be a waste of time working anyway as all of it would go on childcare. So I'm just working to pay for something I could just do myself. I worked in my job for almost 8 years so I have lots of experience and qualifications if I did need to go back to work
But apparently I'm throwing my life away to stay at home and do nothing. This is from friends/family. I don't see it as doing nothing when you have a baby to look after though Hmm

OP posts:
happypoobum · 24/04/2018 17:29

It depends on whether or not you are married really.

No way would I do this if I wasn't married. In that situation you would be left very financially vulnerable if DP decided he had a better offer elsewhere or you went off him Grin

If married, then absolutely, do whatever suits you.

A1Sharon · 24/04/2018 17:29

I have just done a refresher course for my field of work after being out for 10 years.
In the ten years I have been out what annoyed me most was a the inference that I had never worked. It didn't matter that I had worked from the age of 14yo in weekend jobs, and worked all through college. Once I was a SAHM I became a non-worker, with no input into working life.Hmm
It isn't that easy to get back in to work, especially at the level you are at. Maybe look at options?

Horsedogbird · 24/04/2018 17:30

You do what is right for you. Totally understand you want to be with your baby.

Lesciteesdor · 24/04/2018 17:34

Could never do that. Losing my financial independence. And what if something goes wrong with your marriage ? Also don't think you are setting a great example to your children.

Gottagetmoving · 24/04/2018 17:34

It doesn't matter who judges you.
I hate the way some people expect a woman to want to get back to work after having a baby. I just think it's a shame that so many women can't even consider staying at home to look after their own child.

swingofthings · 24/04/2018 17:35

Indeed, do what is right for you. You can't read the future so no point anticipating. I know that in my case, I did the right thing going back to work and my OH and I separated and if it wasn't for having kept working FT, I wouldn't have had the opportunities I did get that allowed me to give my children a nice life and for me now to be able to look forward to finally reducing my hours having paid the mortgage however, my OH and I could still be together, with him earning a large salary and I could have been a happy SAHM not half as exhausted as I am now after years of FT work and raising children.

TERFousBreakdown · 24/04/2018 17:38

If your financial situation allows it even in the eventuality of your relationship failing: do whatever you want!

This part, though: I worked in my job for almost 8 years so I have lots of experience and qualifications if I did need to go back to work

Not necessarily true. Or, more like, potentially true - providing you're happy with 'a job' rather than 'THE job'.

As a hiring manager and a gender diversity officer, I see plenty of cases of women failing to get back in at the level where they last left off before taking a break. Common issues tend to be failure to keep up with a fast paced industry combined with reduced flexibility and reduced cultural fit as a consequence of having developed different expectations compared to pre career-break.

So, if you can afford to, go for it. But walk into it with your eyes open to the reality of what returning to work may look like.

Octopus37 · 24/04/2018 17:39

YANBU, but if I was you, I would try and plan a bit, think about what you can do in the future, as the longer you are out of work, the harder it is. Also is there anything you can do from home using your skills to keep your hand in. I would also think about your pension, I have recently realised how terrifyingly small my pension post in and know I cannot eer really make it up now, although I will try to increase the amounts, I am 43 and work for myself to fit in around my kids. I would try and keep contributing to it if you can, even if you are not earning very much. Also, be prepared for feeling differently in a few years. Also depends on how long you are out of the workplace for if you have ore children. Good luck.

Personwithhorse · 24/04/2018 17:40

Are you married, do you have joint ownership of property/name in the lease?

What would happen if you split?

Mrsmadevans · 24/04/2018 17:41

OP why don't you have a career break ? You can if your work does it.
www.gov.uk/career-breaks

SilverDoe · 24/04/2018 17:41

No of course YANBU. Some people like to work, some people don't. I am more career oriented than DH, so he stays at home and I am going back to work when DS (our second baby) is 6 months. I'm genuinely looking forward to it but I also believe firmly in work life balance so will be going back PT for now.

Whatever you can do to make your situation work, is the right option for you. If you can make it work with you staying at home, then do so. You're right that when DC are so little, much of one person's wage gets eaten up by childcare. With 2 under 3, it's pointless DH working because we would actually have less money. It works better for both of us this way, and that's all that matters. Not other peoples' opinions or judgements.

Mrsmadevans · 24/04/2018 17:42

That will also stfu all the doubters .

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 17:42

Having worked for eight years won't impress future employers, it's not that long and with a big gap after renders any experience as out of date anyway.

It's upto you if you quit working but lots will judge for many reasons and you should be able to understand why. It's not that hard.

lalalaloopy · 24/04/2018 17:43

My main concerns not going back to work were;

how easy can I get back into it
will I be confident with new technology.
will my training/qualifications still be valid.

I’m pt & will increase my hours at some point. I think we live in a different world to 20 years ago when it appears to have been easier to get back into work after a career break.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 24/04/2018 17:43

Mamabear Something often mentioned here is the loss of your own self identity when you become a mother, with work being cited as one of the best ways to get it back. You may revel in your user name right now but what about three years down the line? Will you be happy being "just" a mum?

Gottagetmoving · 24/04/2018 17:45

Also don't think you are setting a great example to your children

How?
How is looking after your own child full time not setting a great example?

I don't think women realise how much they have been brainwashed over the last 20 years into feeling guilty about wanting to look after their own children. It's seen as not good enough.
OP says she can manage and would be paying a lot for childcare and wants to stay with her baby. I'm sure she has weighed up the pros and cons.

TheNoseyProject · 24/04/2018 17:46

Many of my colleagues take career breaks so then you, almost, definitely can step back in.

RoughPatchMum · 24/04/2018 17:52

For me work is a big part of my identity. I enjoyed my mat leave but was happy to be back. If you want to stay at home by all means do but in terms of long term security, pensions, risks on a split I’d be thinking about it for a few years only.

speakout · 24/04/2018 17:56

Life is too short not to follow your heart.

I ditched my career ( which I loved) when I had my kids.

Never did go back- instead my life has taken some lovely turns.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 24/04/2018 17:57

Also don't think you are setting a great example to your children

I agree. It tells them that if they are a boy they will be expected to work regardless as not only will they need to fund themselves but have to provide for a wife as well as she cat possible be expected to work and parent.

It tells girls that there is little point in education as you'll only be home with children anyway.

The OP can't afford it, she's relying on somebody else to fund her period of unemployment. If anything goes wrong, then there's no backup or financial independence.

Loss of identity is another factor along with a change in dynamics in a relationship when one opts out of working.

Cornettoninja · 24/04/2018 18:03

Do what you want but personally I think you have to seriously consider your options.

Part time (which I think is the best compromise) in a job you already know and enjoy is hard to come by if you don't negotiate on returning from maternity.

I would advise to at least trial returning to work leaving the option open to change your mind. Take into consideration babies aren't babies forever and you may feel that they would benefit from a childcare setting at some point - I know that since dd turned 2 I feel she'd really enjoy nursery. We're looking to move so she's staying out with her childminder at the moment but she needs far more than I can give her now. That's just her personality but it's worth considering.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 24/04/2018 18:05

I have never worked per se. I've had a few little part times things and did a little childminding but we married young, have four children and my husband was a soldier, now a civvy but still working in a similar field. I'm the children's only 'constant'. If people judge me they don't say it to my face. I love being at home even though my youngest is at school now.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 24/04/2018 18:06

I call bullshit on the "setting a bad example to your children" idea. My (highly educated, intelligent, and formerly professional) mother became a SAHM right up until her youngest left school when she re-entered her profession. She undoubtedly made major sacrifices to do so and I esteem her all the more for that, but the idea that this had anything but a positive impact on her daughters is nonsense. It was her detailed input into our education from its earliest years that enabled us to get the very best out of our schooling and set us up for the rewarding professional careers we enjoy today. I also credit her and my supportive, breadwinner father for modelling a fantastic example of a loving, trusting and loyal marriage which set us up to meet good, family-minded men of our own later in life. Being a SAHM is neither possible for desirable for everyone, but the idea that a SAHM can't offer a wonderful example to her DC and bring them up to value both SAHMs and professional life is simply not true.

pandarific · 24/04/2018 18:06

It is 100% your choice, and that is from someone who wants to go back full time once baby currently in utero is a year old.

Tell them to bog off, do what you want. Gin

Bramble71 · 24/04/2018 18:09

Ignore the judgey people. They're probably just jealous. I never wanted to work and it took 30 years till I stopped, due to ill health. Think how great it will to be around full time to bring up your little one! I don't consider that throwing your life away at all.

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