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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after other people’s children

86 replies

WhatIsGoingOnNow · 23/04/2018 18:46

I have 1 DC and Om ok with that.
Today a DCs mum said she was running late and could I pick up my DCs friend and sibling in nursery. She didn’t actually come until tea time so I just gave them something out of the freezer.
Now I don’t mind one but can’t deal with both.
I have issues with noise and get quite anxious generally.
The siblings were bickering constantly and LO kept going to the toilet every 10 mins. Both kids refused to wash hands when they came in and neither flushed the toilet after including no 2s.
The playroom was a mess with what looked like literally everything had been pulled out of the shelves and out of boxes.
My DC has some prized cars and the younger one had pulled off the tyres and chewed them. My DC was so distraught.

As I was out when the mum called I didn’t have time to hide some of the toys such as things he has built out of Lego as he likes to keep them and play with them.

I had a conversation with my DH the other day and I told him that I don’t mind looking after someone else’s child for a few hours and certainly not under a certain age if they can’t wipe their own bottoms) but I can’t deal with them staying over. He said I was BU. Was I?

Secondly am being U if I tell her next time I can take only one if she’s running late?

Don’t flame me.......

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 23/04/2018 20:28

So you think the friend should just do the OP favours Dragons but not the other way round?

shushpenfold · 23/04/2018 20:30

No I’m

shushpenfold · 23/04/2018 20:31

No I’m sorry, that won’t be possible.

Repeat

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2018 20:34

Tell your husband he is MORE than welcome to watch over a whole herd of children while you have the day off. I raised 2 of my own and I never watched anyone else's children because I didn't want to. No thank you.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2018 20:45

Well your DH is welcome to invite other people's DC round and look after them himself! He can offer a view to you on what he thinks is normal, as part of a conversation. He cannot volunteer your time.

It sounds rushed, too long and a pain but, I don't quite understand why you didn't hide the precious toys quickly once you got in (isn't there anywhere the DCs cannot reach?), or why you didn't insist they washed hands / help wash for them.

Other DCs won't have quite the same habits and training as yours. A bit of 'we do it this way in this house' is fine.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2018 20:48

As an aside, its use here by various pp reminds me why I always find the phrase 'watch children' so odd. As if you literally just watch them.

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 20:50

I want to know why your DH thinks you're being unreasonable, and how often he looks after other people's young children........?

Me too. What the hell does it have to do with him?!

SleightOfMind · 23/04/2018 20:54

We all have our boundaries.

It’s better to be honest than take on more than you can manage and mess it up.

Smeddum · 23/04/2018 20:56

@lottiegarbanzo I’m Scottish and I’d say watch rather than babysit, or mind. Maybe it’s a regional thing?

Starlight2345 · 23/04/2018 20:57

Another don’t ask her if you won’t help her.

No help at all taking ine

minipie · 23/04/2018 20:57

Saying you can only have one is the same as saying no (except passive aggressive)

Saying no is fine, but you have to stop asking her to take yours.

A reasonable compromise would be to say "sure, I can have them, but you'll need to be here by X time [half hour afer pick up] as we are going out".

If you can't cope with them for half an hour then say no and stop asking others to take yours.

PS Personally I find children who are terribly precious about their toys harder work than children who forget to flush the loo. We are all different, please don't assume your DC is no trouble...

BackforGood · 23/04/2018 21:02

YANBU to not want to look after other people's children.

YWB veryU to say you will take one but not the other, if you are in a 'swapping favours' / helping each other out situation. That would be no help to a Mum of 2 at all.

Of course you don't have to take them both, but then, obviously, you can't expect her to help you out when you need to either. That said a call saying "I'm running a bit late" would suggest to me 10mins, or potentially up to half an hour. Leaving them 3 hours or whatever and over a meal, is taking the mick (unless there is a drip feed of the reason this happened being an emergency rushing into hospital or something).

However, when you are looking after other people's small children, then you have to do the adulting. You need to call them back to flush the toilet. You need to make them wash their hands. If you want things tidied away, then stay with them and set the rules ..... we need to put all this away before tea / or before getting out X, etc.

My DC has some prized cars and the younger one had pulled off the tyres and chewed them.
Confused - how did this happen whilst you were watching them ? Surely no-one agrees to look after someone else's Nursery age child then just leaves them unsupervised in another room ??

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/04/2018 21:02

I think in your situation I would be inclined to say ‘yes but I can only have them until x time as I’m going out’ and make it just 45 mins or an hour. Then you are helping if it’s a genuine emergency-type running late but not allowing her to take advantage. I don’t think you can just take one of them though really.
(If you aren’t actually really meant to be going out you can just plan to go to the library or supermarket so you aren’t actually lying)

lottiegarbanzo · 23/04/2018 21:04

Oh I know lots of people say 'watch', I'm not sure it's all that regionally confined. I just find it funny every time.

As if you get continue with whatever you were doing, while watching the dc do whatever they are doing. 'Oh yes I was watching while little Jocasta emptied the contents of the fridge on the floor.' 'Intervene? Encourage them to do something else and interact with them? Well why didn't you say?'

gillybeanz · 23/04/2018 21:06

Ha Ha, the dh who thinks you are unreasonable.
Tell him you expect him to do it next time.

Original poster
WhatIsGoingOnNow · 23/04/2018 21:08

achoo
TBH I had come when she called I was doing my weekly shop, so picked up a pizza in case. She said that the kids would be really hungry. Normally I give my child a fruit snack with milk when I get back and he has dinner between 5.30-6
So when I got back, I had to put away groceries, make tea, put out clothes from WM and because she said they would be hungry I was in kitchen so couldn’t really keep watching them.

OP posts:
inkandstone · 23/04/2018 21:18

Ugh, no way. Make sure you have a catalogue of excuses in case she ever asks again.

Wdigin2this · 23/04/2018 21:20

Just say a big fat NO next time. Tell the mum, it's more than you want to be responsible for.

starlightmeteorite · 23/04/2018 21:20

Just say no, but in doing so accept you can't ask her to do any favours for you.

I wouldn't mind, but then I have 2, and they are still at the bum wiping age, so another 2 wouldn't make much difference.

If it happens again, if you are cooking put cbeebies on. I do this when I need them to sit quietly and not fight or trash anything.

kissthealderman · 23/04/2018 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turquoise123 · 23/04/2018 21:27

Not sure what your husband's point is - if you don't want to look after other people's children then that is just a fact. It's not something for him to comment on - you have your view, he has his own.

On the plus side - clearly he is offering to look after any visiting children so grab that with both hands and say thanks. If he is not offering well then .......

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/04/2018 21:27

Of course you don't have to do it, but inevitably at some point your child will want to have a couple of friends round for a sleepover.

Viviennemary · 23/04/2018 21:28

YANBU to not want to act as an unpaid childminder if you'd rather not. Especially on short notice. Next time say sorry but you can't. One child is bad enough but to expect you to pick up and mind multiple siblings is downright cheeky. Most people wouldn't take advantage in this way without a really good reason.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 23/04/2018 21:30

It's a poor show if you have asked for help (sounds like more than once?) having never thought through to the possibility of being asked for the same- including both children- in return.

Do not ask this person for help again. As PP said, I'm sure your DS is annoying to her in other ways.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/04/2018 21:37

Do you want to be able to ask her for help in future again? If so, you can't say a flat no forever or onlg take one. However, you can make it absolutely clear you are expecting her in 10mins, 30 max. If she says this running late is actually 3 hrs late again then refuse because you've "got plans".

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