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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after other people’s children

86 replies

WhatIsGoingOnNow · 23/04/2018 18:46

I have 1 DC and Om ok with that.
Today a DCs mum said she was running late and could I pick up my DCs friend and sibling in nursery. She didn’t actually come until tea time so I just gave them something out of the freezer.
Now I don’t mind one but can’t deal with both.
I have issues with noise and get quite anxious generally.
The siblings were bickering constantly and LO kept going to the toilet every 10 mins. Both kids refused to wash hands when they came in and neither flushed the toilet after including no 2s.
The playroom was a mess with what looked like literally everything had been pulled out of the shelves and out of boxes.
My DC has some prized cars and the younger one had pulled off the tyres and chewed them. My DC was so distraught.

As I was out when the mum called I didn’t have time to hide some of the toys such as things he has built out of Lego as he likes to keep them and play with them.

I had a conversation with my DH the other day and I told him that I don’t mind looking after someone else’s child for a few hours and certainly not under a certain age if they can’t wipe their own bottoms) but I can’t deal with them staying over. He said I was BU. Was I?

Secondly am being U if I tell her next time I can take only one if she’s running late?

Don’t flame me.......

OP posts:

achoocashew · 23/04/2018 19:13

Why didn't you just march them back to the toilet and make them wash their hands?

Original poster

WhatIsGoingOnNow · 23/04/2018 19:13

Like I said I don’t mind the older one - but i think it was the two of them. I understand people run late otherwise I wouldn’t have said yes. My question was that would I BU if I said I could take one and not the younger one.

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercups21 · 23/04/2018 19:13

Tell her you can't next tim, but give her your DH number instead

SoyDora · 23/04/2018 19:14

If you said you could take one and not the other it probably wouldn’t be much help to her at all.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/04/2018 19:19

In answer to your post, YABU to only agree to take one.

category12 · 23/04/2018 19:22

If she's picked up your dc in times of difficulty, then you owe her reciprocity. If you're sure you never need her help again, then refuse to have them again.

Your dh's view is irrelevant if he's not the one looking after them.

aaarrrggghhhh · 23/04/2018 19:24

well if you've asked her to help you out its VERY unreasonable when she asks you to help her out to say no.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/04/2018 19:25

He said I was BU. Was I?

If your husband likes other people's kids so much, you know what to tell him to do, eh?

Xmasbaby11 · 23/04/2018 19:26

No you can't take one child without the other. That's not helpful!

ButchyRestingFace · 23/04/2018 19:26

Secondly am being U if I tell her next time I can take only one if she’s running late?

No, that won't work. What's she supposed to do with the other one?

Both or neither, I think. Nothing wrong with setting a few ground rules though.

category12 · 23/04/2018 19:28

Saying you can only have one is the same as refusing to help.

AmazingPostVoices · 23/04/2018 19:31

My question was that would I BU if I said I could take one and not the younger one.

In the circumstances you are discribing (ie an emergency not a play date) yes you would be deeply unreasonable.

Xmasbaby11 · 23/04/2018 19:31

How old are they?

Ohyesiam · 23/04/2018 19:32

How can it be unreasonable not to do things that you don’t want and don’t have to do.if you don’t like it or can’t cope, fair enough.
I often thought other children were vile, I’m just not the Earth mother type.
Say it’s not convinient next time.

toomuchtooold · 23/04/2018 19:32

Nah YANBU. Trading favours is great, but only if there's reciprocity and sorry but 2 kids and there till teatime is not the same as one kid for half an hour. Focus on finding someone who won't take the piss.

Mrsmadevans · 23/04/2018 19:33

Say No OP they sound horrible , disgusting Children .

Ceebs85 · 23/04/2018 19:36

Poo all over the bathroom? Gross. Was it literally all over the bathroom or are these feelings to do with your anxiety?

Don't offer to take just one of them. I would find that less helpful than you saying no and it would come across badly. That would be unreasonable.

Yes you can say no but don't expect her to help you out in future unless she's an absolute saint.

RosyPrimroseface · 23/04/2018 19:36

Oh God no don't ever say you would just take one!! That's saying "I am free and able to take both but I am too precious to handle it so I'm happy to leave you in the lurch".

You know how you would feel if someone with no children took exception to your dc doing something totally normal and childlike (eg making very minor mess when doing an activity, getting chocolate mousse accidentally on face when eating, etc)... you'd feel they were a bit of a snowflake who lacked empathy, maybe??

That's kind of how you are coming across to parents with more than one, with your one child, ordered life and inability to deal with a couple of others for one afternoon in an emergency!

Chathamhouserules · 23/04/2018 19:37

I think you'll have to stop asking her for help if you're not going to help her. It's probably not helpful to her if you just have the one, unless she can find someone else to have the other.

Cornishclio · 23/04/2018 19:39

There is not much point in offering to take one if the mum is running late. That means her finding someone else to take the other one. Either refuse both and be prepared for her to turn round and say no if you need a favour at some point or suck it up depending on how many times she asks you. If it is once in a blue moon I would have thought it was bearable. If it is becoming a regular thing and you are left with them for hours so you have to give them tea too then she sounds as if she is taking advantage. Tell her to use a childminder. I would read running late as it being an emergency like a car breakdown or being unavoidably detained at work. If she is just shopping or whatever I would not offer too much as I think some people do take advantage once they have found someone who will step in at a moments notice, for free and feed their kids too.

Your DH is BU. If he is so keen on watching other peoples kids let him do it.

Chathamhouserules · 23/04/2018 19:40

RosyPrimroseface - op suffers with anxiety. But I agree saying yes to one will come across badly unless she knows you suffer with anxiety.
Why didn't you take them back to wash their hands though?

Petalflowers · 23/04/2018 19:40

If someone say they are running late, I would expect them,to pick,them up within half an hour, unless they say they will be later. Eg, due to be stuck in a traffic jam. Not collect the dcs a lot later.

It's fine to say no, or qualify how long you will be looking after them before saying yes again.

Aridane · 23/04/2018 19:51

ceebs - I think OP just means the toilet hadn’t been flushed after a big poo

WeirdyMcBeardy · 23/04/2018 19:56

YANBU. They would not have been eating or playing with toys until they washed their hands, that's disgusting, as well as not flushing!

I have friends with DCs, who I know and I know are well behaved and I still don't like having other children around. I have aspergers and I hate the noise and having other people in my home, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I suck it up for a good friend but it's not something I offer often. We had a child over for a sleepover and he drove me bonkers, couldn't keep still and thumped about sooooo much!

BewareOfDragons · 23/04/2018 20:18

Your DH can look after your friend's children and wipe their bottoms and replace your child's toys if he thinks you're being unreasonable.

Love how people who aren't actually doing the looking after themselves feel free to comment on what you should be doing with your time.

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