To ask for phrases to use with MIL

[DisgruntledGruntle]

Give me the words to use with mil. She is very rude, and whilst i would love to go even lower contact with her (i have already reduced the amount of time i am in her company), to keep the peace with DH, i have to have some dealings with her.
DH can see how rude she is, but copes by putting his head in the sand and telling me...'well you know how she is'. She is very controlling and will sulk/cry if thwarted, so my DH, who has a lot of contact with her, takes the path of least resistance and lets her get away with her behaviour.
So, to give you some examples of her rudeness so you can help me with phrases i can use (i've considered 'did you mean to be so rude?', but for DH's sake, i don't want to push her into a sulk/crying fit as he and FIL will have to pay the price).
I have short, straight hair and it is obvious when it is recently cut, about a week after i last had it cut, she suggested if i changed hairdressers, they would style it for me nicely...implying that my current hair style is neither styled nor nice!
Making a comment about my legs resembling turkey legs mid conversation about the butchers.
Offering me a hot cross bun, then commenting that i wouldn't be able to fit into my clothes at a forthcoming wedding if i carried on eating like that, and then offering me another hot cross bun!
Etc etc.
So, please kind Mumsnet what comebacks do you suggest?

Is this too weak ?

“MIL, you sound like something is bothering you because you are taking it out on me with silly remarks. Is there something you want to talk about ?”

Is that too weak?

In my head it’s about letting her know that her remarks did not manage to :

1- make me see her as powerful instead as a weak person. And I recognize myself as the strong one in this situation

2- she cannot turn around and create drama to DH that I’ve insulted her

3- I’m giving her a chance to correct her behavior and explain it in Case I misunderstood

4- if there was something stuck in the air she can discuss it without being passive aggressive

5- I can hear her out and afterwards be heard when I tell her I’m not happy with her talking down st me if she wants me to like her And not avoid her

6- she will know she didn’t manage to bring about any insecurity in me

7- if there is a crowd I would interpret the situation to them so that they know “she is the problem” I would’ve claimed my reputation back

8- she might be embarrassed of realizing I’m the kinder person and coming across as such and might change her ways if she hasn’t carved a life out of being mean just yet

However I don’t have the compassion to do it. Just wondering if it’s weak.

But the only issue she might see it as an invitation to confront me and intervene about issues I’ve been shutting her out of..: in which case I would need to address it. Simple answer would be “wouldn’t it have been better for everyone if you discussed your concerns with your sons instead of confusing us with your remarks ?”

I think it's really shit she does that in front of your kids when you aren't present. What an arsehole she is

Good to read your update - not the bit about fil dying - but that you are now very LC. Glad to see that Dh and the kids see right through her too. Maybe one of the kids will snap one day and be the one to tell her to 'fuck off you cunt'. In that instance you are allowed to be proud of them for swearing

"Actually, I don't value your opinion so please don't offer it to me"

"Have you always been this rude, or is it just since you've got old?"

"Please don't speak if you have nothing nice to say"

"I stopped paying attention to your rude remarks years ago, just thought I'd share that"

"Goodbye"

"Well they do say sons go for women that look like their mothers!" accompanied by manic laughter, should do the trick

I’d ask her ‘Why do you always say such unkind things?’ And then ask her if she’s unhappy.