To ask for phrases to use with MIL

[DisgruntledGruntle]

Give me the words to use with mil. She is very rude, and whilst i would love to go even lower contact with her (i have already reduced the amount of time i am in her company), to keep the peace with DH, i have to have some dealings with her.
DH can see how rude she is, but copes by putting his head in the sand and telling me...'well you know how she is'. She is very controlling and will sulk/cry if thwarted, so my DH, who has a lot of contact with her, takes the path of least resistance and lets her get away with her behaviour.
So, to give you some examples of her rudeness so you can help me with phrases i can use (i've considered 'did you mean to be so rude?', but for DH's sake, i don't want to push her into a sulk/crying fit as he and FIL will have to pay the price).
I have short, straight hair and it is obvious when it is recently cut, about a week after i last had it cut, she suggested if i changed hairdressers, they would style it for me nicely...implying that my current hair style is neither styled nor nice!
Making a comment about my legs resembling turkey legs mid conversation about the butchers.
Offering me a hot cross bun, then commenting that i wouldn't be able to fit into my clothes at a forthcoming wedding if i carried on eating like that, and then offering me another hot cross bun!
Etc etc.
So, please kind Mumsnet what comebacks do you suggest?

Head tilt, pitying 'awww' with a pitying smug smile and tinkly laugh

As in aww, you confused old lady

For the hair one (or similar if she suggests clothes for nicer ones etc) I found a giggle and 'ahhh but you're forgetting we have very different styles MIL'. Implication being if she's saying yours is awful, you can think that about hers and neither of you are wrong.
For most of the batshit stuff mine comes out with I say 'why would you think that' and if she continues in the offensive I follow with a pause and '......well I suppose that's one of way looking at it' and changing the subject. Good luck.

Ok. Try this.

Your legs look like turkey legs.

“What was that MIL?” (Big cheery smile)... my legs look like turkey legs? Hoho. DH! MIL says my legs look like turkey legs. Do my legs look like turkey legs? (Keep up the smiling, the aim is not to get upset but to repeat the phrase as many times as possible)
If anyone else is in the room with you “hey auntie Sandra, MIL says my legs look like turkey legs...Dave! Dave MIL says my legs looks like turkey legs.”

You go on as long as you can. You repeat the snide phrase as many times to as many people within her hearing as you can. You don’t get upset, you maintain an air of cheery cheery happiness.

Two weeks later, serve turkey. Just like my legs hahahahah!

I have never, ever had it fail. The goal is to repeat and repeat and repeat EXACTLY what they say to you, to everyone. By being cheery you deflect any ‘oh you’re so sensitive’ shit.

Make. Her. Squirm.

Seriously, though, OP, some of the things she is saying to you are plain rude and would receive a more serious response from me: "I really don't appreciate you making personal comments about my appearance. Please could you stop, or I will have to stop having you round."

Next time she says something nasty to you, say, 'do you have a tissue, as I think I've just got some venom off your tongue in my eye'.

I always went with the fact that it's impossible to insult someone who's happily stupid. So I would assume total stupidity whenever insulted, ie

'who the hell did your hair? It looks like it's been dragged through a hedge!'

Answer: 'oh, no, not been near any hedges for ages!' and a laugh.

'Your legs look like turkey legs!'

Answer: 'Gosh, do I have feathers? Wouldn't that be funny?' lots of laughter.

You really can't insult someone who is too daft to understand they are being insulted, and I played that part to the hilt!

Mine is similar. I have found that variations of BowlofBabel's idea have worked for me, when DH is around. My technique is to repeat what she said, as if under my breath, with a bit of an eye-roll, in a Maureen Lipman-as-BT-Beattie style. So:

MIL: I'll make you a proper lunch while I'm here, son
Me: (Nudges DH in the ribs, eye roll) Proper lunch, ha.

Stops her in her tracks.

I would just laugh every time. Over the top exaggerated laughing, like she’s just told you the funniest jokes. Wipe tears, ‘you’re so funny MIL!’
If other people ask, you can share the joke!

Offering me a hot cross bun, then commenting that i wouldn't be able to fit into my clothes at a forthcoming wedding if i carried on eating like that,

Stop seeing her. When you see her, stop talking to her. Just say "When you see me, you are only able to be unpleasant, so I think it best if we have no further contact". Leave your husband to deal with it, or not. If she throws a tantrum, laugh.

"It's just how she is" = "she is thick and rude".

"She doesn't mean any harm" = "she is thick and rude".

Don't get involved in thinking of clever come-backs (l'esprit d'escalier - things you only think of on the stairs afterwards) because if she's thick and rude she either won't understand or will throw a tantrum. Just disengage, don't visit her, don't invite her over, leave her to your husband to deal with.

Thank you wonderful people. I almost can't wait for the next run in, so i can try these.

Try the direct route

You’ve got chicken legs - no I haven’t

You’ll never fit into your clothes - yes I will

Would you like another hot cross bun - didn’t you just complain I wouldn’t fit into my clothes and now you’re offering me another cake

Go to another hair dressers - no I like my hairdresser and my hair thanks

"You're legs look like Turkey legs"
"Strange, your son doesn't complain when he's had his head clamped between them"

"You'll gain weight...."
" Nah, your son will soon help me sweat that off in bed, won't you master? "

I would say nothing, stare at her and raise one eyebrow (you may have to practice this - watch Roger Moore as James Bond to get the idea) with an expression on your face which leaves her in no doubt that you think she is a rude bitch. She can't complain you've been mean to her because you haven't said a word

Good luck!

Kill it with kindness. Agree with her in an ott manner. If she thinks you're a people pleaser she'll feel shitty and back off.

wornout

Don't say anything. Stare at her in silence with a blank no expression face for about 20 seconds then turn away and carry on as if nothing has happened or was said.
It works very well much more powerful than words.

NotTaken I really like those responses. I will keep them in mind, as I have the same issue with a few ILs, 1 particular school mum.

@wornout i just snorted out my drink
@snow i have used the 20 second silence and watched the tumble weed blow past, it felt good :)

Could you try the public ridicule route? Tell everyone loudly and repeatedly until she is humiliated.

MIL: You've got turkey legs.
You: (Burst out laughing) Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that to me! That's so cruel! Hahaha! Hey DH - guess what your mum has just said!

MIL: You should get your hair nicely styled.
You: Oh no! You're so rude!!! Hahaha! That clearly means you don't think I've had it styled. Talk aout brutal! Are you trying to upset me? Why are you doing that? Hey DH/family members - your mum's done it again! Can you believe it?

Next time you see her:
You: Hey MIL, how are you going to insult me today? Got any good ones? Hey, dh remember when she said ....

etc until she is thoroughly embarrassed.

Bookmarking!

OP, do we have the same MIL?

Why isn't your 'D'H pulling his M up on her shitty behaviour?

Why isn't your 'D'H pulling his M up on her shitty behaviour?

Stab in the dark.
Because op is a grown woman who can navigate her own tricky relationships and when she manages them herself she rules out the ‘only said out of dh earshot’ issue.
I’d hate to go running to dh to protect me from his mummy! Instead I stand up for myself and we share exasperated laughs and bemusement... but to be fair my mil is of the harmless but thoughtless variety.

Who needs words? Try this...

LovelySouffle You are on fire tonight!

I think what would annoy her is if you are completely sure of yourself and far superior to her, i.e. «I wouldn’t change, my haircut is fantastic,my hair is so soft since going to this hairdresser», «my legs are really pretty, that’s one of my features that DH adores»etc..., she’ll be really annoyed.