To ask for phrases to use with MIL

[DisgruntledGruntle]

Give me the words to use with mil. She is very rude, and whilst i would love to go even lower contact with her (i have already reduced the amount of time i am in her company), to keep the peace with DH, i have to have some dealings with her.
DH can see how rude she is, but copes by putting his head in the sand and telling me...'well you know how she is'. She is very controlling and will sulk/cry if thwarted, so my DH, who has a lot of contact with her, takes the path of least resistance and lets her get away with her behaviour.
So, to give you some examples of her rudeness so you can help me with phrases i can use (i've considered 'did you mean to be so rude?', but for DH's sake, i don't want to push her into a sulk/crying fit as he and FIL will have to pay the price).
I have short, straight hair and it is obvious when it is recently cut, about a week after i last had it cut, she suggested if i changed hairdressers, they would style it for me nicely...implying that my current hair style is neither styled nor nice!
Making a comment about my legs resembling turkey legs mid conversation about the butchers.
Offering me a hot cross bun, then commenting that i wouldn't be able to fit into my clothes at a forthcoming wedding if i carried on eating like that, and then offering me another hot cross bun!
Etc etc.
So, please kind Mumsnet what comebacks do you suggest?

How about confirming, in a bored tone of voice, that you understand exactly what she means:
MIL: Try a new hairdresser YOU: Yes because my hair looks bad
MIL: Hahaha turkey legs YOU: Because I have fat/pale legs, yes.
MIL: Haha you won't fit into your clothes YOU: Yes because I'll be too fat.

Can you record her when she starts her crap? Then play it back in front of her and a room full of people (only half joking)

OP hows things with ur MIL? its an old thread but i loved the advice you got and wondering what worked?

The most effective method I have found in dealing with snide comments is to cheerfully and audibly ask them to repeat it as though you haven’t heard. This draws attention to the person and the comment, making them say it again and highlighting their rudeness.

Stop what you’re doing and look at them directly. “Sorry I didn’t catch that. What did you say?”

More often than not they’ll try to deflect it away. “Oh nothing, it doesn’t matter.”
Cheerfully persist.
“No I just didn’t quite hear you...Say it again?”
Watch her squirm and make like you’re dropping it, before catching her eye with a knowing look. She knows that you know exactly what she said and from now on, that’s how you’re going to play it.
Fuck off mil.

People shouldn't be allowed to get away with such rudeness. I would either go completely OTT like:

when she mentions your hair I would say something like 'well I would but then it might make me look so beautiful that DH will be jealous when I get chatted up by other men'

re legs - how about looking at hers and then saying 'well better than piano legs I guess'

re not fitting into clothes for wedding - 'well if I put on weight can always borrow one of your outfits for the wedding.'

All followed by a sweet smile.

Alternatively I would just say Really???? and look her up and down with with a raised eyebrow.

Third alternative tell your DH you will be going NC with his mother until he finds his balls and deals with her.

One of those should work.

Don’t engage. I will completely change the subject when my mil pulls things like this. Throws em off kilter and when they realize you won’t engage might quit it.

Oh wow really?

So you say

As you were

Do you think? (Followed up with are you sure?)

Is that so now

Mmm ok

I dont know why I feel alot of the pp responses come off as "weak" and "inferior" to the mil. Im a very passive person and have made things like ignore and change the subject but im agry at myself for it and in my head i just feel like swearing at her and squishing her arrogance..

but i feel like my thinking needs correction.. can someone explain to me how do they think very neutra responses count as "standing up for themselves"? or is there another aim of just keeping the peace?

wouldnt she see u as weak and continue? thats certainly what mine did when i giggle nervously t her snide comments as well as on other occasions ignored.. I just became the punching bag . is mine an odd case?

Ive certainly played dumb before as i was shocked and short for words...

It really didnt get me any respect until i went NC.

how do pp restrain themselves from exploding ? whats the bigger picture?

I wouldve thought confrontation by the DH or the OP is the only way to go.. but thats not really proving easy but i thought thats cos im weak.

mayb i wasnt seeing it all along

Often wondered about this poster!!

I think you're DH is asking to much of you. .
Either he tells her unequivocally to stop being an embarrassing nasty cow or you don't see her. No one should have to put up with that

"It's so kind of you to take an interest, especially as you are so old and will be dead soon"

Say, 'No, you've got turkey legs!' and 'You better not have another hot cross bun, then!' and 'No, I think you should go to my hairdresser! '

Hi, thanks for asking how I've been getting on.
Well, my fil pissed away, which meant that DH was no longer obliged to keep her sweet so she didn't take her temper out on him (he was disabled and unable to defend himself. She was never physical, but my goodness, she would make him suffer if she was in a bad mood).
Anyway, I am v.v. low contact now. DH takes the children over for an hour once a week, but he has very little to do with her now as well. The children go in to see her, while he busies himself outside, if she's too rude, they go out to help him.
On the rare occasions where I've had to meet her, I have successfully used the long silence whilst her words echo around the room, followed by a very obvious charge of subject.

The children report back that she continues to be rude about me, last week she said I would be too heavy to go on a zip wire ( I really am not huge, over weight maybe, but not obese, unlike her).
I think soon, the children will be reluctant to visit her, but you do reap what you sow, and I will support them in whatever they decide.

Thank you so much for your ideas and support. I felt much empowered knowing I could employ some of your great ideas. (Still favouring 'fuck off, you cunt').

I’d say ‘why don’t you ask dh he loves it when I look like/do this really gets him going’ ... shame her with embarrassment lol

Don't say a word, speak on a totally different subject. If you respond in any way, good or bad, she knows that she is being listened to, if you utterly ignore her comments she'll get annoyed that she is making no impact.
Always remember, passive aggression is the most annoying, hence the best, sort!

Don't forget:
Off you pop cunty chops!!

I still love off you pop cunty chops. Although not quite as much as ‘duck off you spud cunt’ (anyone remember that?!)

Honestly with people like this I’m just very direct.

Offering you another hairdresser? “I like it. Don’t you?” (Firm and challenging, not pleading!)

The food thing?
“You’re making comments that I’m overweight whilst literally feeding me?”

I am NEVER rude or angry during these things. Just slightly smirky (they hate that!)

I find that treating someone like this as if they were a rude 8 year old works quite well. "Would you like to repeat that or would you prefer that we consider it unsaid?" usually works wonders - especially if accompanied by a raised eye brow and a hard mummy stare down your nose.

Thanks for the update OP.

I like the option (if it's a comment about appearance), "Should've gone to Specsavers".

Thanks for the update OP. I guess I was hoping to hear that there is a solution that would stop all the rudeness and make her come back to her senses.. But I guess i live in a dream.

"Don't say a word, speak on a totally different subject. If you respond in any way, good or bad, she knows that she is being listened to, if you utterly ignore her comments she'll get annoyed that she is making no impact."

you are right. I really struggle to see it though. Wouldnt she just see that as you are too weak to respond and too respectful of the control she has of you ?? and know that she must be planting seeds in you that will make you go explode at your husband and thats what she wants?. Would ignoring her annoy her enough to make her stop? I am doubtful

Just say "excuse me?" And feign that you didn't hear her. Follow up with "what do you mean?" Or "what are you trying to say?" And then "is that really necessary?"

I've tried many of those approaches. I was always told to rise above it, but that means ignoring unpleasnt behaviour. Sometimes that is appropriate, but it also used to make me feel quite powerless.
The most effective one for me was when I just said quite politely but bluntly.
"What a horrible thing to say!" or "That is just not correct." or best of all "I don't agree with you, more tea anyone?"
I find them easy to remember and say, you've answered back which makes you feel better, no one can really argue with those statements and it closes the conversation down.