IVF failure and intuition?

[ohbigdaddio]

I found out a few days ago my 2nd embryo transfer has failed.

DH and I didn't feel we wanted children until I was 37 and I distinctly remember when DH and I were discussing it that I said "knowing my luck we'll decide to have kids and then we won't be able to, and I'll be really upset."

We began TTC. After 6 months or so I began to get the feeling I just wouldn't get pregnant and after 18 months of TTC I didn't once see a BFP.

We started tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. IVF followed last September which resulted in a BFN. After this a horrible 6 month wait as I had to wait for an operation to remove a fibroid and then in February this year we began a medicated frozen cycle. Over 8 weeks of hope and determination later and again a BFN. I am devastated but had thoughts after the embryo transfer that this attempt probably won't work either. (I also had some happy thoughts about how amazing it would be if it worked so I'm not being entirely pessimistic but in general I wouldn't let myself think too positively.)

I'm not trying to be negative but I feel like I have a feeling that I'm just not going to ever get pregnant. I look at pregnant women and wonder why can't my body do that? I am 39 and we have 1 frozen embryo left. We are too swept up in our grief to decide what to do next but I am already thinking 'I bet this one won't work either.' It's just a feeling I get and I've had it all along. I'm not sure if I am being silly or if I have a deep intuition about my body.

Could I be right? Has anyone else felt like this but been proven wrong?

Please be gentle (and, please, no 'have you thought of adopting?' comments!) x

So sorry to hear what you have been going through

It's a bit different but I struggled with unexplained recurrent miscarriage (it's statistically unusual so not something to worry about!) and genuinely believed 100% that we would never have a baby.

I now have two healthy children, with no miscarriages at all between them after the long struggle to have our first.

It's hard when you have just had knock back after knock back to believe that things can work out but that is because your brain is taking the path of least resistance based on the evidence of your experience. You may feel that way but it doesn't mean it won't happen. Feeling those feelings is entirely understandable.

Wishing you lots of luck in future.

There is still hope! You should keep trying until menopause, lots of people have not been successful with IVF and then they managed to get pregnant and give birth before the menopause. Keep trying and don’t give up!

Thanks sheddooropen but I really can't see this happening.

Im so sorry youre going through this. It took DH and I 5 years and 5 miscarriages to finally get a successful pregnancy like a PP it was unexplained after tests, we had given up trying resolved to it not happening and were on the verge of splitting when we caught. I'm 20 weeks now.

Keeping everything crossed for you.

There is always hope. You still have time, and that embryo could be the one. Its always difficult to look at people that conceive easily and feel disappointed and jealous. All the best, and good luck

Oh god I remember this feeling so well. Truly sorry to hear of your bfn’s. I had 6 ivf’s and 1 frozen embryo transfer. I was very optimistic with the first cycle but when I got the bfn all my hopes just went. We done a second cycle and got frozen embryos from that. I did actually get pregnant but miscarried very quickly. My hopes just went as I knew they used the best 2 for the transfer and it had ended in m/c. I remember saying to my husband if they have used the best and it didn’t work then there is no hope for the ones they froze. We transferred 2 just over 4 months later. I was utterly convinced it hadn’t worked but my miracle is now 11 years old.

When you face this awful situation it’s inky natural to think it’s never going to happen. What you can’t give up is hope. Keep going until you know you have tried everything. We done another 4 cycles after my son was born in the hope of a sibling. I had one further miscarriage and 2 bfn. The last actually happened on my sons 5th birthday and I was devastated. I started bleeding during his party and just thought enough. I was so blessed already and had missed most of his little life being in this hamster wheel of ivf trying for more. Another did come along by way of adoption and I look back now and am greatful of how things panned out. It’s a long difficult road so be kind to yourself, feel what you feel and take it one step at a time x

ohbigdaddio, I just wanted to give you a hug. Whatever thoughts you are having - they are entirely natural and they are definitely NOT causing the IVF not to work for you. Don't let the 'positive thinking' bullshit make you feel guilty.

So sorry to hear you are going through this OP. It really is the most awful thing. We had unexplained fertility too and knew after 2 rounds of IVF that is was very unlikely to work for us. Luckily they had an idea that the issue was my eggs so we tried using an egg donor and we got our much wanted child.

Literally everyone knows someone who had a baby through IVF and so when we get to have the treatment yourself it’s so hard not to think that it will work for you. IVF is much more successful for male fertilty issues and where there is know cause in female as they have something to try and fix. With unexplained there aren’t lots of issues it could be that can’t be solved with regular IVF.

Despite almost 10 years on our journey we didn’t give up and I was 41 by the time We had our son.

I wish you alll the very best of luck OP x

If it's unexplained there is also still a chance of conceiving naturally ( probably at the time you have resigned yourself to giving up ttc) Really hope you get your baby, and statistically it's more likely that you will than you won't.

Hope you're ok after the BFN OP - I've been there and it sucks.

It took me 10 shots, including 3 pregnancy losses, to have our two. I realise not everyone would want to have that many goes at IVF and it is gruelling, but the more rounds you can afford to do, mentally and financially, the more likely it is to work.

It's a good sign that you produced enough eggs for some embryos to be frozen. You can also ask your clinic about changing the drugs protocol they're using.

Try not to worry too much about having positive or negative thoughts about the process - at the end of the day it's a medical procedure and you can't think yourself into the process working. Assuming you do a bit of exercise and are reasonably fit, don't drink before cycles and don't smoke, there's not much more you can do.

I was absolutely convinced our last cycle wouldn't work.

Good luck!

Thanks so much all xx

AlwaysOn13th I'm fit, exercise, do yoga, veggie/vegan, have never smoked, don't drink! Makes it feel even more unfair in a way!

My friend felt exactly the same and she did have a very happy outcome in the end.

It's not really an intuition and it's certainly not a prediction of any sort, so it doesn't mean anything - it's just your mind going to its darkest place, which is perfectly natural

So sorry you are having to go through this. Life is fucking cruel sometimes.

There is still hope! You should keep trying until menopause, lots of people have not been successful with IVF and then they managed to get pregnant and give birth before the menopause. Keep trying and don’t give up!

I do wish people would not say things like this. I had it said to me loads and I never got the miracle baby. Lots of people don't. I know people want to be upbeat and optimistic and cheerful but it sometimes is just not appropriate. OP please accept a virtual hug and hand squeeze from me - I know what you are going through is utterly shit and I wish you all the luck in the world - but I won't say "don't ever give up."

I understand very well what you are going through and your feelings.
In 10 years of infertility I had 4 miscarriages, went through IVF six times, tried every test under the sun, seen more specialist than I can remember and I just knew this was not going to happen for me.
Initially it seemed a male issue, then I developed Asherman's and eventually I several rounds of IVF with my own eggs produced non viable embryos (PGS'd). We tried eventually with donor eggs, and PGS determined the embryos were healthy with that. Issue solved, it was then my eggs after all, we thought! But I miscarried again and again.
I have FOUR close friends who went through IVF for all reasons and all had babies. Some of them really miracle babies.

Then we decided to carry on trying. Again with DE. We felt we needed to try again, not to regret anything in the future.
And it worked. I am now pregnant with twins.

No, I don't believe it, as these sort of things never happened to me.

Please don't give up.

@ohbigdaddio Just want to give you a hug :(

And also some positive thoughts... first, each IVF cycle at a typical clinic only has a 33% chance of success at most, so you may have to try three or more cycles to get a positive.

Second, unexplained infertility can have a lot of causes, many of which we don’t understand. I conceived my DS less than a month before starting my first cycle of IVF after trying for three years without even a hint of a missed period. I was, however, doing immune treatment before my cycle, which isn’t held in good regard by the UK’s fertility regulators but seems to work for some people with unexplained infertility. So I’d also maybe talk to a different clinic, and quiz your existing clinic, about why they think your cycles failed and whether there’s anything else you can try for the next one.

Please don’t give up OP. Throughout our IVF course I knew it wouldn’t work. In my head I’d planned how and when we would do the 2nd and 3rd cycle before giving up. It was likely a self protection strategy but a lot of my thoughts were very negative towards success.

In the end, we got our little girl from the first cycle - DESPITE my thoughts about it all.

Don’t give up - I was proven wrong and I hope from the bottom of my heart that you are too.

Absolutely do give up if you want to.
Calling time is far, far harder than keeping going.
I also had those feelings. But i tend to be quite a practical person who sees that things can go more than one way. Lots of people live in blissful ignorance. I envy them sometimes.
Those feelings won't affect whether the ivf works or not. Feeling wonderfully positive can still result in loss.
Look after yourselves. Grieve and give yourself a little time to heal. Don't get bogged down in beating yourself up about stuff you said in the past. Easier said than done. August 1994 age 21 i remarked to my friend that if one of us were to have trouble falling pregnant i'd rather it was me than her because it must be hard to watch your friends go through that. No idea how we got on to that topic of conversation. I laugh at how easily i said it even tho experience (of going thru infertility and then watching a different friend do the same) has taught me i was right.

What do BFN and BFP mean?

But yes, I do get what you mean. When DH and I were TTC, nothing happened at all. My periods came like clockwork, I only did a couple of pregnancy tests during the 4 year ordeal, though I persistently checked my fertility levels. I also felt a sense of hopelessness, fully believing it would never happen. It's probably a defence mechanism, to protect us from being disappointed.

We went through 2 IUI cycles and 1 IVF, because I only produced one egg and a lot of empty follicles. I might have tried another one if it hadn't been for the fact that we only got one free cycle on the NHS. With such long odds (1-5% chance with IVF), there was no way we could justify going private.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Infertility really sucks.

I was convinced we would never have children too, but I was wrong. 1 fresh and 4 frozen and we have a 3yo Dd and new twin boys. We had 3 failed frozen transfers in the middle. They do say a course of IVF treatment is three attempts so don’t give up just yet. I know it’s shit when “infertile” people who’ve managed to have babies try and jolly you up though so I’ll stop there. Xxx

I always wanted to be a Mum, but could never imagine that it would happen to me. In my head, something always told me "you'll never be that lucky"

I am in a same sex relationship, so my circumstances are slightly different, but regardless...
I tried donor insemination at home most months for 2 years with no luck before I went to the doctor for advice. After tests and investigations, I was found to have PCOS and endometriosis, so would have struggled to conceive even if I was in a hetero relationship.

I had a round of IVF in 2013 - unsuccessful, and I developed severe OHSS so was advised to try IUI for a couple of cycles which I did, later in 2013. Both unsuccessful.

I had an operation in 2014 to clear the endometrial tissue from my womb, and a few months later tried another IVF. Unsuccessful.

By this point, we had been trying for almost 5 years, and had spent close to £25k all in. Emotionally and financially, I gave up and thought that the little niggle in my head that had always told me that it would never work, was fate. I was resigned to the fact that I would only ever be an Auntie and Godmother...

However, my Mum decided to pay for a final round of IVF in July 2015. On 2nd August 2015, I took a test, and it was positive. Over the next week, I took around 15 tests, all of which were positive. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, or that I had been so lucky. Throughout my pregnancy everything went smoothly, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was too good to be true, and that my dreams would be snatched away from me.

Fortunately, that little voice was wrong, and my perfect little miracle was born on 5th April 2016.

She's snoring her head off upstairs as I type this.

Dreams can come true - I realise how lucky I am and never will I ever take my little girl for granted, as I'm so grateful to have her.

All the best

Op if you are vegan/vegetarian i would be careful how much soy you are having. As i think think can affect fertility and hormones and it is in so many foods anyway (though i guess a lot of them are milk containing like yoghurt/ice cream/chocolate).
Ivf is just luck of the draw. We had 4 fresh cycles. For 2 dc.
Also worth checking your tsh is around 1 as some places have different levels

I had ivf twice after two pregnancy losses. We had two other transfers with frozen embryos which didn’t work. I never questioned my own whole hearted belief I would have children one day. I didn’t dare. I got upset about not conceiving not only because it hadnt happened but also because of the huge emotional demands ivf places on you and your relationship and dreaded the thought of trying it again. Have you had any councilling? I did and it helped me better understand that conception through ivf on average takes theee attempts. And those attempts and be fraught with set back and difficulties. I write this today as the mother of two beautiful little ones. One was a totally crappy embryo that was dismissed and DS is amazing and my DH who alleged was perfect in vitro....!!! Good luck stay strong

My friend was diagnosed with unexplained infertility in her early 30s. According to the tests, nothing was wrong, but they spent over 10 years trying to conceive, including fertility treatment and IFV.

They ended up adopting, they've got two gorgeous kids that they love to bits.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Yes I had my happy ending through adoption. My DDs (9 and 6 now) are with me watching TV in my bedroom. Adoption can work really well but it's not for everyone. And the OP has asked us not to talk to her about that. Which I get, as we didn't like people to tell us, 'You can adopt.' My DH used to hate that particularly, he used to put it this way, ' Do they really think we're not aware that we can adopt?'