AIBU re other mother

[MrsDylanBlue]

I have a good relationship with my DD I adore her and she’s always been really sensible and worked hard at school and got a paper round at 14 and has always had PT jobs around school.

She is about to sit her A levels and has been offered 4 Uni places, and has been offered a place where she had her heart set on going on the course she wanted.

Her relationship with her girlfriend has got a bit more intense recently. I am not overly keen on her tbh, she is a bit needy, I have tried to make an effort with her but she won’t eat with us when invited.

Two weeks ago I got the feeling DD was stalling a bit over a day she had asked me to take of Work to take her to look at a Uni so I asked and it transpired that she doesn’t want to go and she wants to move out with her girlfriend/go travelling etc. I was disappointed and a bit concerned as for the last two years she has worked towards it and been adamant about what she wanted to do but it was DD who wanted to go to Uni I had never pressured her.

I said that’s fine but she will have to get a full time job and pay rent (like her brother does) as her dad will stop paying maintenance.

DD gf mum has now said DD can live there for £50 a month (I could not afford this and don’t think it’s teaching her anything about being an adult) this was a week ago and I haven’t seen DD since (we have been texting and I have said she can always come back here this is always her Home etc and I have offered to help her sort out her stuff and take it over for her).

Underneath though I am seething that the other Mum has done this - it’s just given DD a much more immediate, attaractive route to instant what she she sees as “adulthood” and to not leave open her option to go to Uni.

I am getting emails from college telling me she is missing college and I’m worried she won’t even sit her A’levels (meaning she can change her mind later) but there is nothing I can do about it.

I just feel it was a really underhand thing to do

You are at a fork.

You can go in all guns blazing and create drama and probably lose your daughter (at least for the short term).

Or you can drop the mum a line, ask to meet for a coffee and chat this through.

I did send her a message on FB - it wasn’t rude it may have read a little blunt.

She told DD and DD was mortified and the other mum was “annoyed” apparently (I have no idea why). DD asked me to apologise which I refused to do as I did not feel I had anything to apologise for.

DD girlfriend then posted some spiteful post on FB about her mother loving her “unconditionally” which she knew I would see - so I have left it.

It may not have been underhand, you don’t know what information the other mum does or doesn’t know. Calm down and then ask to meet the other mum for coffee.

I don’t wish to upset you, but it’s quite possible your DD has lied to the other mum and told her you are throwing her out for example. Even the best kids do have wobbly moments and it’s a usual age for it.

Annoyed apparently.

Your DD and her GF are trying to create bad feeling between you and the other mum so you don’t get together and compare stories. Classic teenage behaviour. Don’t fall for it. Keep your head cool, and sort this out with the other mum instead of via your DD. Avoid Facebook.

have you discussed it with the school ? You haven't said if she is already 18, even if she is, she may still be classed as vulnerable and open to coercion. Worth bringing it up with the safeguarding lead and pastoral care. Are you still getting CB for your daughter or has the other mother claimed it?

I haven’t discussed it with the school although I will have to really as I am getting the emails but it’s not within my control whether she goes.

I am getting the CB as this only happened a week ago.

Her dad pays her the maintenance and she gives it to me (don’t ask) and I have said she will have to give it to me this month as I haven’t been able to plan ahead with this decision being so rash so therefore haven’t budgeted for it!

I don't think the other mum has done anything wrong at all.

She just offered another option and probably sees it as helping them towards going travelling, which is what they said they wanted to do.

Sending her a blunt message because an adult (I presume she is 18) has made a choice you don't agree with was out of order.

Her dad pays her the maintenance and she gives it to me (don’t ask) and I have said she will have to give it to me this month as I haven’t been able to plan ahead with this decision being so rash so therefore haven’t budgeted for it!

She doesn't have to give it to you. She has moved out and has rent etc to pay, the money is for her living expenses. It's coming across as though a lot of your concern is about the financial implications on you and that's probably coming across to your dd too.

We are halfway through the month I cannot just reorganise my finances like that - and if she lived anywhere else she would have had to have given a months notice - to be fair.

Not that my main concern is about the money.

I am worried she is ditching her plans without thinking it through properly.

She doesn't have to give it to you. She has moved out and has rent etc to pay, the money is for her living expenses. It's coming across as though a lot of your concern is about the financial implications on you and that's probably coming across to your dd too

She hasn’t moved out - all her stuff is still here!

I'd send her a message about how u like to meet for a coffee to clear the air and u will respect her choices. I would encourage her to defer for a year if she can and suggest gf can always go with her when time comes.

DD gf mum has now said DD can live there for £50 a month (I could not afford this and don’t think it’s teaching her anything about being an adult) this was a week ago and I haven’t seen DD since (we have been texting and I have said she can always come back here this is always her Home etc and I have offered to help her sort out her stuff and take it over for her).

It sounds like she has moved out to me.

We are halfway through the month I cannot just reorganise my finances like that - and if she lived anywhere else she would have had to have given a months notice - to be fair.

She didn't live anywhere else though so she doesn't have to give notice. I wouldn't give you that money under these circumstances as I would need it for my own living expenses. Hopefully your dd can find another way to get money so she can give you her maintenence.

I get that its difficult, I just think you're blaming the wrong person. She really hasn't done anything wrong.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin

If you can drop £150 a month without budgeting for it lucky you - I cannot.

I have also already paid her phone bill this month.

She has said she is moving out, ALL her stuff is still here and she hasn’t been home in over a week, her bed is still unmade from when she last slept in it.

That is not they way an adult moves out.

It’s the way a teenager moves out though. She hasn’t really done anything wrong and maybe if you offer to split the money 50/50 that would be more reasonable.

God this sounds like the most obvious advice ever, but you just really need to talk to your daughter. And listen to her.

This isn’t about the money.

But seeing as people are focussing on that ..

I simply cannot afford to go without the money though - I dunno what part of that people struggle to understand?

I was planing to have students again after she went to Uni in September - I will have to bring that plan forward.

I have a house big enough to house DD and her siblings - I cannot suddenly sell it to cut my costs can I? The mortgage still need to be paid.

Next month it’s beteen DD and her dad what happens to that money.

And is gf mum going to finance the travelling too? I think not.
When real life kicks in, which could turn out to be very soon dd may well realise the grass is not always greener.
I wonder what gf's mum's agenda is here?
I feel for you op and I think the best way forward is to try to keep a cool head and keep all lines of communication open.
What does dd's dad think?

I have tried to talk to her but it’s all over text and I don’t even have the address of where she is.

If she chooses to move I have no choice to support her I get that. I feel sad though that there seems to be a bit of anymosity from the family to me and I don’t feel like I can even go and visit.

Her dad refuses to communicate with me - at all - and hasn’t for years, so I feel a bit on my own with it really

This is so hard.

How can you , DD , DD gf , and DD gf's Mum work it so that DD does her exams and does as well as she can? What strategies can you come up with?

For me that seems to be the main thing here.

Get those results under her belt, defer uni and ..... a lot can happen in 12 months.

Don't make a big deal about anything other than those results.

Text her and tell her that you miss her. Ask her for tea. Tell her you're not going to convince her to come home, but that you need to discuss her plans so that you can budget. Tell her that you love her.

I have texted her every day and told her I love her.

I have told her if she decides to come home the door is always open and this will always be her home.

I think you should back off completely for a bit and let her play at being a grown up. I'm guessing the other mum invited her to live there to keep her own DD happy and she's obviously not interested in how this affects you.
Regarding Uni and A'levels. I think again you have to let it go. It her decision and assuming she regrets it (most likely), she'll have to try to re-do them later on. I don't think this is a bad thing as her motivation to study will be stronger.
Kids do all sorts of daft things between late teens and about 25 but most come out the other end reasonably unscathed.

corcaithecat

I agree. I also think the other Mum is terrified of her DD moving out.

I didn’t offer them a room here as I wasn’t prepared to get into a “pricing war” and I don’t really have room tbh - if she had asked me I would have discussed it with the other Mum first.

Dear God. Why didn't you just humour her? You could have just said no problem. Just sit you a levels and defer the uni place so that the two of you can take a year to get settled in new city etc.?

Because by the time she told me she had already planned everything and made her desicions which blind sided me a bit as I had taken a day off to take her to a Uni a few hours away and sensed some reluctance about it a few days before so I was annoyed with her as I am in a new job and my boss wasn’t keen on giving me the leave as she was also off.