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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re other mother

71 replies

MrsDylanBlue · 22/04/2018 17:33

I have a good relationship with my DD I adore her and she’s always been really sensible and worked hard at school and got a paper round at 14 and has always had PT jobs around school.

She is about to sit her A levels and has been offered 4 Uni places, and has been offered a place where she had her heart set on going on the course she wanted.

Her relationship with her girlfriend has got a bit more intense recently. I am not overly keen on her tbh, she is a bit needy, I have tried to make an effort with her but she won’t eat with us when invited.

Two weeks ago I got the feeling DD was stalling a bit over a day she had asked me to take of Work to take her to look at a Uni so I asked and it transpired that she doesn’t want to go and she wants to move out with her girlfriend/go travelling etc. I was disappointed and a bit concerned as for the last two years she has worked towards it and been adamant about what she wanted to do but it was DD who wanted to go to Uni I had never pressured her.

I said that’s fine but she will have to get a full time job and pay rent (like her brother does) as her dad will stop paying maintenance.

DD gf mum has now said DD can live there for £50 a month (I could not afford this and don’t think it’s teaching her anything about being an adult) this was a week ago and I haven’t seen DD since (we have been texting and I have said she can always come back here this is always her Home etc and I have offered to help her sort out her stuff and take it over for her).

Underneath though I am seething that the other Mum has done this - it’s just given DD a much more immediate, attaractive route to instant what she she sees as “adulthood” and to not leave open her option to go to Uni.

I am getting emails from college telling me she is missing college and I’m worried she won’t even sit her A’levels (meaning she can change her mind later) but there is nothing I can do about it.

I just feel it was a really underhand thing to do

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 22/04/2018 21:01

My three children and DS1 gf took me out for dinner for my bday a few months ago and I asked DD to invite her girlfriend, she declined as she “doesn’t like eating in front of other people” and then came and sat in DD room while we all went out.

DD and her go out for dinner quite a bit so am not sure about this and when they have been here they go and eat in her room after cooking for themselves whereas we always eat together as a family (where possible).

OP posts:

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 22/04/2018 21:02

*stroppy, not stripy.

Damn you, autocorrect

StellaHeyStella · 22/04/2018 21:05

I think your reaction is entirely understandable even without your prior knowledge of gf dad.

How has dd been with her studies? Perhaps she was finding the workload a struggle and this is a convenient way of backing away from A levels and uni? In your situation I'd be calling the college tomorrow to find out what dd's options are if she doesn't take her exams or doesn't do as well because of this. Can she re do them next year if she needs to?

I agree with pp who said that if the relationship is unhealthy it will soon unravel.

CosmicSpider · 22/04/2018 21:15

You have my sympathies. My DS did this, although he was 16 at the time. His GF mum refused to engage with me at all, then claimed his Child Benefit. It was a horrendous time. I tried every, being calm, collected and reasonable, to playing, to finally losing my shit in sheer frustration. I couldn't understand why the other mother was encouraging action that jeapordised both kids futures - then she threatened to claim maintenance from me! Argh!

I had to wait it out in the end. It took 9 months, and then he came home. He missed his exams, stopped attention College and had to start again, nearly two years behind his peers. It is heartbreaking. My advice is to state your position, regularly tell them you love them.amd are still there, then wait.

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 22/04/2018 21:19

CosmicSpider

She claimed maintenance!! Fucking hell!!!

Nothing like the Sisterhood eh!!

OP posts:

antimatter · 23/04/2018 17:14

I think there isn't much you can do if she's made up her mind and is hostile in the way she acts.
Let her live and realise that maintenance will end in June, she then has to go to work and start saving for her traveling.

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 23/04/2018 17:59

She does work. She has been doing 25 hours a week since she started her A levels.

OP posts:

antimatter · 23/04/2018 23:19

That was enough now when she was living with you rent free.
Anyway I think you can't do much if she decided she doesn't want to sit her exams.

What is her gf doing? Working or studying?

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 23/04/2018 23:49

She has a job she didn’t study past her GCSEs think she has an apprenticeship but left and now works in a shop.

OP posts:

DrTorres · 23/04/2018 23:58

There has to be more to this. Why would she just take off and not come back for a week when you have such a close and good relationship? It doesn’t add up.

llangennith · 24/04/2018 00:02

Haven’t RTFT as it’s late (for me) but child maintenance is paid to the parent ‘for and on behalf of’ the child so you need to sort that one out OP.
The mother of your DD’s girlfriend is doing what she thinks is best for her own DD so don’t judge too harshly.
But I’d feel the same as you OP!

LouiseH2017 · 24/04/2018 01:34

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned;

Once you’ve managed to talk to your DD and sort out living arrangements etc. could you talk to her about still applying for uni, but then deferring a year? She’d have college’s support for the application and could still go ahead with her plan to travel for a year. You might find that she chooses to not defer and is grateful to still have the option of uni.

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 25/04/2018 21:08

Update: I got home from work tonight and DD was here (as arranged and she had agreed to have dinner with us) looking really tired and thin.

Asked her what’s wrong and DD burst into tears, she has told Dc she didn't know what she wanted and needed to sort her head out.

Apparently gf left DD at her house and went and stayed with her nan last night then says she wants to be on a “break”.

We had a chat about DD fettungba double bed here and maybe staying here while she finishes her exams and taking it from there, said DD didn’t need to make any desicions now to just think about it.

Then as soon as DD texts gf and says she's staying here for a few days gf starts texting constantly that she misses her etc (fuck off I haven’t seen her in THREE WEEKS she’s here an hour!). Anyway we went to the shop and I cooked her some dinner and she decided to go back there but didn’t really take any stuff. I offered to drive her (as then would know where gf lives too).

So I have dropped her back there and she said she’ll be back again this week - so I think the softly softly approach here may be my friend.

I do actually want to tell gf and her Mum exactly what I think but I won’t.

Gf is only 17 apparently not 18.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 25/04/2018 21:08

*gf has told DD she needs space and doesn’t know what she wants

OP posts:

antimatter · 27/04/2018 21:36

has your dd spoken to you since?
it's only 3 weeks till A-levels start, she doesn't need all that drama from her gf

JessieMcJessie · 27/04/2018 21:54

GF is clearly jealous and possessive that your DD is planning to go off to university. What a rotten situation, damn right she is being manipulated but you can only let her make her own mistakes and be there for her when the scales finally fall from her euea. Agree that the other mother is in the wrong for allowing this to happen.

biscuitmillionaire · 27/04/2018 22:05

GF works in a shop, and very obviously doesn't want your DD to go off and have a great time at uni without her. She's persuaded your DD to dump her studies.

Starlight2345 · 27/04/2018 22:08

Just read thread . I can’t believe some of the responses on here.

My head would be all over the place . I hope your Dd comes home soon .

HollowTalk · 27/04/2018 22:13

OP, is there someone at her college that could help? When I was teaching sixth formers we used to have really great pastoral staff - this was exactly the sort of thing they dealt with. It would really help to have someone like that to talk to you two together (and separately) to try to come to some arrangement.

Tbh it sounds as though her GF is very controlling and her mother is really enjoying being Mrs Popular. My daughter had a friend with a mum like that and she was an absolute pain in the arse.

PinotAndPlaydough · 27/04/2018 22:47

OP I really feel for you. I’m ashamed to say I was you daughter many years ago.
I pretty much moved out at 16 and went home maybe once or twice a week, mainly to get clean clothes and money. I was living with my boyfriend in his mums flat (while she was in prison ), I was meant to be doing a levels but bunked off 90% of the time and didn’t hand work in, eventually I was told to leave or be expelled. I failed my AS levels and didn’t take A levels.
When I was 18 my (violent, controlling) boyfriend left me for someone (underage) and I had to go home, by this point I was so depressed I walked into A&E begging for help before I attempted suicide.
Luckily my amazing mum stood by me, she drove me to collect my stuff, she got me counselling, she did things like take me to get my hair done because I had completely let my self go, I had my bedroom waiting for me and she helped me return to college. She was more than I deserved as I had treated her horribly. I managed to get my life back on track to some degree but I never got to do the things I wanted to and was capable of, it’s impacted every aspect of my life and even now not having the qualifications I need to do the career that I really want still upsets me.

You sound like my mum, I always knew she was there, I always knew I had a bed at her house and she would help me no matter what. I can’t really offer any advice but you sound like you really care and are doing the right thing, just be there when she needs you. If my mum hadn’t been there god knows where I would be today, I have a job, home and beautiful children and while it’s not perfect and I know I could have had better I’m grateful every day that her support allowed me this.

Original poster

MrsDylanBlue · 28/04/2018 12:40

PinotAndPlaydough

Thank you

OP posts:

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